brokenisbetter's blog

Kavin left town on a hunting trip. Who knows when he'll be back. Or if he's even going to come back. I wouldn't be surprised if he doesn't.

everybody leaves.

It has been a very long week. Geo left town to find Sammy, werewolves attacked Marquette and more kids I went to school with died. I've never seen a dead body before. Never thought I would. Particularly one that had looked like that. Particularly one that bore the face of a girl I had gone to school with for years. I keep wondering when I'll finally forget what it looked like. When I'll close my eyes and not see it. See her. I still feel like I should have stayed with her body until the police came. I was imagining other animals sniffing her out and... see, there goes my morbid thoughts again. As hard as I try, I can't get rid of them. They make me nauseous and sick, but they keep poking through. I don't want to go whining to people about it, since I'm sure this will go away on it's own, but I don't feel quite right. I don't feel any optimism, I don't feel normal.

oh yeah, and it's Halloween today. Why does that make me extremely nervous?

it's too early to be awake. but then again, I haven't really slept. The sun hasn't risen yet, but it's starting too. I can see a bit of color over the horizon when I look out my bedroom window. I've been watching the sky for hours, trying to make sense of everything. I didn't see anything out of the ordinary outside. I thought maybe I saw a shadow or two move in the neighbor's yard... a few times I got chills, thinking someone was watching me in the window, but I think that had more to do with the late hour, lack of sleep and heightened paranoia more than anything else. amazing what fear can make you see - even if nothing is really there.

7:00am - I haven't written in awhile, and really there's way too much to explain and my wrist would start cramping if I did. All I know is everything feels so off. I don't know what, or who, to believe anymore and everything is running around in circles in my head and I'm struggling really hard to just get my thoughts to stop and stay in one place so I can work through each one. Lullaby's death didn't really hit home until I walked into the funeral home yesterday. Her body - that's all it was - didn't even look like her she was just pale, and lifeless and laying there, like some kind of wax statue. I've known her forever, and while we weren't good friends, she was always friendly to pretty much everyone. And now she's gone, just like that, for no real reason. I don't know. It's just like Josh and Mary. I'd see them in the halls all the time. Now I don't. I won't see Lullaby in the halls anymore either. Death is a pretty big thing to deal with when you're seventeen and trying to maintain some semblance of sanity.

everyone's back. isaac is home, his sister is home. thom and leija. Everyone is back and alive. apparently whatever tunnel they were in caved in and they just walked and found a way out, according to isaac. I have questions, some things, in my head, won't let it go. like why did they even go there in the first place? Isaac was upset. Really upset. I didn't know how to help him, except to listen and be there but I don't know if that's enough. I felt like I did with Caleb - like I simply had never experienced anything as traumatic so I had no right to be comforting or try to help.

7:45am

they're still gone. would it be three days? or four? tyler said it's only been three days - because today's not over yet. I don't care, all I know is they're still gone and there's been nothing on the news that indicates the police are any closer to finding them.

I don't know what I'm doing. I'm sort of...hovering somewhere between hopelessness and complete denial. It's a frustrating place to be. I can't think properly, or concentrate. I'm starting to completely freak out, despite Tyler's constant assurances that Isaac and the others will show up, unharmed with some excuse as to why they went missing. I know he's just trying to make me feel better, but it makes me feel worse somehow. Because I know my brother well enough to know he's worried too. He's been pacing around in his room for a long time and I can hear him on the phone, talking to his friends. They're all worried. And when Tyler gets worried, I know it's bad. Dad came home to check on us awhile ago. Apparently no bodies were brought to the morgue as of yet. As of yet, he said. Like that was suppose to make me feel better somehow. Was he completely clueless? Don't tell me as of yet. I think he figured out that had been a bad idea when I started crying again.

There's really so much to write - so much to say and no really good way of saying it all without sound like a total idiot. Isaac and I went out last night. He took me to this italian place and had arranged it so that we had our own table on the roof. It was a nice night, and you could see almost all of the light of Marquette until they reached the lake and then it was just...blackness. But at the same time it had this really romantic feel to it and no one had ever gone to so much trouble before for me. The best part was I never felt awkward, or uneasy and there always seemed to be something to talk about, though I know with myself, that's never really a problem.

Best. Morning. Ever.

I'm not sure where to even begin with this one. I didn't get to have dinner with dad, like I hoped, but I did meet Caleb. A kid in the ICU who apparently tried to kill himself, though I didn't have the guts to ask how. Or why. And really, would someone who did that really want to talk about it?

I have no clue what happened today. But I am not complaining. At all. I'm also not getting my hopes up because when I tend to get optimistic about things, they sort of blow up in my face. It's just incredibly strange to have some kind of crush on someone for so long and when they actually notice you, it's sort of surreal. Not that I know for sure that Isaac "noticed" me, because I'm really not that special. I'm just me. But something seemed to have happened today, in a weird way. A non-weird, weird way. Which in my head makes total sense right now.

9:00am

I'm home! A couple months away from Marquette was awesome, and mom pretty much let me do anything I wanted this summer. Well, almost anything. I couldn't get a tattoo, but I really didn't want one, I just wanted to see if she'd let me get one. In any case, with school starting, I'm home now and apparently I didn't miss much (big surprise). Except for a bunch of diseased cats roaming around and dying all over town, which I'm not sad I missed by any means. Because gross.