second_chance's blog

things feel worse than before

the world is slowly going to shit

In the night of death, hope sees a star, and listening love can hear the rustle of a wing. - Robert Ingersoll

mom came home last night. really late. long after Kaysen left with Harkin. Apparently she was worried about me

Death as a dark Shadow, beckons his prey into the unknown by a soft whisper in the soul - cindy cheney

everything feels better. somehow. I don't know how - I don't know why. everything is still royally fucked up in so many ways but right now, I don't care. Mom would say I'm having mood swings but I don't fucking care right now.

11:56pm

why is it that i let one thing ruin everything else? i'm fucking tired. after this week...after everything that's happened and nothing's changed. i'm still a freak. kaysen still - doesn't give a shit. and everything else is complete fail.

12:34pm

I didnt go to school today - well, I wasn't allowed, but that's beside the point. mom's at work and I've just spent the entire morning in front of a mirror. melting into it. its bizarre. weird shit. I knew I could do it, but I never have. it's like a completely different realm behind the glass. I felt like I was high again, like I was hallucinating everything I was doing, and seeing. I can move through it, though I never ventured very far. I'd come back in a daze almost, and then try it again...

I woke up today and had some kind of revelation. Okay, wait - no, I woke up today, had a fight with mom and THEN had a revelation. Its funny how things become clear to you when you're angry. And I hate being in a bad mood after having a decent night. See how the pattern seems to be when I have to talk to her I get pissed off? But can I complain? Getting pissed off helps me think - MAKES me think.

I'm being forced to write in this thing again. Who cares about rabid cats, and you know all the other weird shit going on around here. My leg flipping hurts, and I just feel like shit ever since those damn cats attacked everyone. But I'm not going to hole myself up in my room because I don't feel well. If I pass out somewhere, at least it won't be here. Mom is just driving me crazy. I'd take rabid cats over her anyday.

Therapy this morning was for shit. I hate going, but it I keep being reminded that it's "required" of me if I want to return to school at the end of the month. I guess it's the lesser evil. It's either therapy, or the psycho ward. Dr. Elkelson isn't bad. She's just....a therapist. She's paid, what, three hundred an hour just to ask me personal questions?