sinner_kaysen's blog

I miss him. I miss him so fucking bad.

I talked to Isaac, and my head is all over the fucking place. So, I should write it down or something and maybe it'll make sense to me when I read it back. Not like that ever worked before. But whatever. I can try, right? Right.

I so can't do this.

He told me he LOVES me.

No. For serious. And he's said it since.

Hello, my name is I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I know that sounds dumb, but it's true. I'm...scattered. I keep trying to write about what happened, when we were all lost n stuff, and I can't do it. It's like, I freeze up, and don't want to. Like if I write it down, it means it happened, and if it happened, then I can't pretend it didn't, and even if I think that'll be like...the best thing ever, I still can't make it go away. I feel crazy.

I don't know what just happened. I woke up, and...I had all these nightmares. Only I wasn't me, I was Chance, and there was this part where I was on fire... I don't know. Jeeze, how did that happen? I've had nightmares before, lots of times, but not like this, and totally not like me being someone else. usually when I'm someone else, it's a good dream So...crazy. And I got sick over it, and now I can't sleep. I almost wanted to go wake Isaac up so he could stay up with me til we go to stupid mine-thing, but I didn't. Because c'mon, what am I, six? It was just...scary. I also almost called Chance, but didn't. What would I say?

I don't know what to do. I mean, like for really don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I feel like I never knew anything. I don't even have a frame of reference here. There was all the elemental stuff, and I was still getting used to that. I'm STILL not used to it. And like, I'm still figuring that stuff out, then I talked to Isaac, and he starts talking like all sorts of other stuff is out there too. And that he was like, talking about me with Thom, and his mom, and like, there's this whole big thing going on with them and it's about me but I'm not part of it.

I called Chance last night. Or. Well. Texted him. Not for really called. Calling would be something that involved words that were said, and I totally couldn't talk last night. I couldn't sleep, so I just...I dunno. My phone was there, and I could've gone and woke up Isaac I think, but I wouldn't know what to say. So, after being awake for a while, I texted him. He said I could, right? So it wasn't bad of me? I don't think it was, but whatever.

I'm confused. About everything lately, and when I really thought I couldn't get more confused than I already am? I'm totally more confused than I was yesterday. There was the party. Which was actually going well? I guess? I didn't hear anyone whispering about me, and I talked to some people. It was really really fucked up, but in a good way, I guess. Chance was there, and I talked to him for a while, and Charlie was, and I talked to her too.

You know, I thought that the height of confusion existed within and pinacled at Thom. He confuses me really bad, and moreso lately than like, in the last few years combined. Then I met Chance today, and he blows Thom out of the water in the confusion olympics. He took home the gold there, for sure. I have no idea what to think about it at all, I can't tell what's going on.

I have no idea what the hell is going on, but I'm not happy about it. And I don't know where the cat went, so I've been kinda out looking for him.

I can't get over this. What the FUCK is up with Thom?! He just decides to come help me?! Since when does he care? He doesn't! He never has, man! What the hell?????? And now, just...GAH!!! What the FUCK?! I can't believe he just showed up to patch me up. I don't know what to do about it besides try to forget about it? But...I don't know. I don't think I can. It was way too weird, and it's messing with my head.

Current Mood: cranky

Thom's a jerk. And just mean. And what the hell was he doing, anyways? For serious, what was that? Like, all of a sudden he's gonna be weird and nice to me? At a party? I kept waiting for it to be a big joke or something. I'm still not sure it wasn't. He walked me home or kinda, part way, and we were talking, and it was just...weird.

OMG, I'm so excited. I've got the new gig, and I really think it's me. I'm a smart girl, and who needs college anyways? Whatever, that's for lamers. I've bot bigger dreams than that. I'm going to be a reporter. Me and my camera are going to be the eyes and ears of Marquette, there's got to be shady secrets going down here! It's a small town, and if reading has taught me anything, it's that small towns are full of dirty terrible secrets. So I'm just going to have to dig them up! It's gonna be awesome. And I'm starting now. Not time like the present, right?

Current Mood: determined