tacithom's blog

Home. Locked in my room. Back to writing lists.

I'm not good enough.

I used to keep a diary. I guess I still do, from time to time. I still have the journal - it sits on my desk. So many of the pages are blank. I can't risk them being read, so anything I have to say, anything I need to write down, I do it on paper - and then I burn it.

I haven't slept overnight. I can't decide how I feel about it. Which in and of itself is awful. Really really awful. I should know how I feel about this, I really should.

pros·ti·tu·tion
n.
1. The act or practice of engaging in sex acts for hire.
2. The act or an instance of offering or devoting one's talent to an unworthy use or cause.

Today Lullaby Draven died. Or, maybe, yesterday - they didn't give a time on the news. I asked mom, but she really didn't look like she wanted to talk about it. She did tell me that Lulu was shot and that there was no sign of supernatural involvement though.

An empty page. Emptiness. Is there more of it around lately? Perhaps it’s just me. This was an empty page. I found myself staring. Deep into the emptiness, the blankness, the nothingness. I actually had to get up the courage to mar the page with ink.

It’s my fucking diary for god’s sake! That’s what it’s here for – to write in, for me to put down my thoughts and feelings and whatever else I want to. And I was distracted by a blank page. That’s insane, right? Totally, utterly, unbelievably INSANE.

I used to keep this thing religiously. I’m finding I have less and less time now. And probably more to write about. Ironic, isn’t it?

Summary: murder, mayhem, elementals, angels, mines, school, Isaac, Kaysen, Leija. Not in that order. It feels like there’s too much to put down here, that I’ll lose something in the mix.

Oh god. I feel sick. And not just sick-sick (which I do, but that’s neither here nor there. But…

Question: When the hell did my life get so complicated?

Where to start? With Kaysen – these days everything starts with Kaysen. She was at the party on Sunday. And got into a fight – which was started by Chance Reed. Who she was with.

It’s Friday, the sun’s gone in, it feels like fall’s just round the corner and I have a might-be-a-date. Out of all those things, only one of them I could have predicted. And generally? As a rule? It’s not hard to predict Fridays. they come round with surprising regularity.

Leija. I’m sure that’s how she spelt it. I think. I’m meeting her for lunch. And I feel like I should have asked her for a proper date – like the movies or… Isaac does things properly – hell, he was going to take that girl to dinner. Somewhere nice. And what do I do? Lunch 0 which doesn’t necessarily even qualify as date territory.

Things
to do today:-