Afraid

I don't know what to do. I mean, like for really don't know what to do. For the first time in my life, I feel like I never knew anything. I don't even have a frame of reference here. There was all the elemental stuff, and I was still getting used to that. I'm STILL not used to it. And like, I'm still figuring that stuff out, then I talked to Isaac, and he starts talking like all sorts of other stuff is out there too. And that he was like, talking about me with Thom, and his mom, and like, there's this whole big thing going on with them and it's about me but I'm not part of it. Big surprise, I'm not a part of anything. But like...other stuff? He said that if I exist, there's other stuff, but c'mon, for real? I don't think so. I mean...yeah okay so I can do some stuff, or like, not really, but in theory I can. But that doesn't mean like, movie-monsters are out there! It's stupid! And just impossible! And if there are, how come no one knows about it?! I just don't know what to do, and I'm worried that he's not right, and I'm worried that he is right, and either way things are messed up.

If he's not, then he's losing it, and that scares me like, more than anything in the world. He's my big brother, and I love him, and like, I know that we don't hang out and stuff and all that but that doesn't mean we're not like...close? I guess? I dunno. I had kinda thought we were. I tell him stuff, and sometimes he tells me stuff, and I know I'm hard to deal with a lot, but...I dunno. But if something's the matter, and he's losing it, then what will I do? I'll have to help him, any way I can, but I don't know the first thing about how to do that. I dunno where I'd even start. And I'm pretty sure he'd hate me for it if I did anything, and...I'm so worried.

If he is right though...then the whole world is like...fucked up. And there's this huge secret club going on and I'm not part of it. And like..how does any of it work? How does it happen? How does it get kept a secret? Does everyone else know and they just didn't tell me? Does that mean me n Isaac are in danger? Were we always and just didn't know? It's all so scary to think about that when I try to, my brain just rebells. I can't think about it. Not in a rational manner, because it's not rational. I hate this. How can this stuff be real? If it is...I keep coming back to the fact that supposedly I'm this...elemental. Does that mean I'm a thing? Like, a monster or something? Are people going to be afraid of me? Should they be? I don't have any answers, and it's driving me crazy. I feel so worried about everything, and like I don't know anything. I feel really helpless, and wrong, and everything's fucked up.

The other thing going on is Chance kissed me. He kissed me, and like, a serious kiss. I'm still dealing with that too. I think he actually likes me. I don't understand it, but I think that's the case. And I...it wasn't bad? And I kinda want to do it again, but I don't know what that means, and does that make me a slut? I feel like it does. And then there's the other stuff...do I even have a right to be doing anything like that with anyone if I am all fucked up and weird and some thing that I don't know what it is? Doesn't he have enough problems without dealing with that? Fuck, I need someone I can talk to. I don't know what to do. I really really don't. I need help and the only person I've ever been able to look to for it isn't available right now. God I hope Isaac's okay. This is the most scared I've ever been in my life.

Current Mood: scared
Current Music: Behind Blue Eyes by Limp Biskit