all your dreams are over now

I've been put on medication. There's talk of anti-psychotics. Something to do with how extensive my scarring is. Since gaging from how old they look, to how many they are, it's pretty obvious that I've managed to make myself into a really bad road map in the span of a few months. So that's great. So far though, it's still just talk, and they're waiting to 'evaluate' me. I'm on heavy antidepressants though. That they started immediately. Gee, I wonder why.

I don't want to be on medication. It doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's there. I don' think everything that's wrong with me is fixable. Especially not by some stupid bullshit pill. there's far deeper problems than that could ever help. Of course, the fucked flip side is I'm afraid of them helping. What if they did something and all of a sudden I'd be better? Like the haze would clear, and I'd be a different person. Would I still be me? Or would I just be some different version, a 2.0 that doesn't count because it's not who I am at the core? It's just chemicals filtering out all of the parts of me people don't like. Does that make them wrong? And if it did do something...what's wrong with me? There's a lot, I know that, I just ...I'm going in circles again.

I hate being here. so far, I haven't walked around much, though that could be because of the sprained ankle of it all. I know I've already gotten a few looks from the staff here since I should probably be a whole lot less mobile. I have a bruised internal organ, and the rest of me looks like a fucking patchwork quilt. I've got a broken wrist. I have to remember other people in my condition would be a lot more fucked up. They wouldn't be getting out of bed for a long ass time, They'd still be crying for morphine. I have been taking some painkillers, they keep giving them to me, and they don't really like it when I tell them I don't want any. I heard one of them mumble something about wanting to draw out the pain. I don't think she knew I heard her. So apparently, I'm not only seen as a violent suicidal case, but a masochist. Who knows, maybe I am.

I've seen my brothers. I don't know how well either of them are dealing with things. Dorian was in the other day and he brought me books he likes. Which is interesting, because then I guess I'll get to see what he enjoyed. Maybe I can get to know him a little better or something though that. He saw my drawings, too. Said they were good. Peyton and Leija say that too, I don't know. I do know that I've drawn more in the past day or so than I have in a few months though. When it's one of the only outlets I've got, it's really coming in handy. So...note to self, come up with something really fucking good to give Leija to thank her. Even if I don't come out and say what it's all about, considering. I have done a whole lot of probably creepy things towards that girl, and I'm attempting to remedy that. I really should. I asked Dorian to kill her shadow in the orphanage, but apparently, I asked too late. Fuck, why didn't she say anything? I was sure she would have said something, if she'd seen it. Who doesn't mention that? But she hadn't. I don't know. I'm attempting not to think about that one too much.

But my brothers. Dor I think is trying to be strong. I get that impression, like he's trying to be reasonable and hold everything together. Which means I don't really know how he is, and I wish I did. Mathias...now he's another story. I think I just kill Mathias's brain. I keep pulling the rug out from under him, and I'm not trying to. I wonder if he'll wind up resenting me for that. If he'll put together that his life was pretty much rolling along fine until he dropped by here and I happened to get in his way. I think Math's life would have been a lot better right now if he'd never met me. I know that he knew of me. But it's been years since he'd spoken to me, hell laid eyes on me. So yeah, I figure this is really truly us meeting. Just recently. And yeah, if he hadn't done that, he probably would be having a fine time around now. Probably would have moved on again, gone off to do whatever it is he does in the world. And he wouldn't have to worry about some little brother that he never really thought about, wouldn't have to think about his parents in a way that he doesn't want to, I think if things had gone a little differently, I would have been dead either by now or very soon, and Mathias probably wouldn't have found out about it until he started wondering why I hadn't gone off to College. And really, how bad would it have been then? He wouldn't have someone to mourn really, because he didn't know me. I was a name, with his last name attached.

As for Dorian...probably the same thing. A better life, if I hadn't been dropped on his fucking doorstep. Dor though...I think there's more going on behind the scenes with him. I think he's got a few short circuits in his head too, I'm not sure where all of them are, but I see them more clearly than I do with Math. Though I'm positive that Math's got them too. One of which is he's got this view of the world which seems to be the Mathias rose tinted special place. Where he just...sees what he sees and fuck everything else, including reality. I think it's how he manages to keep his life the way he wants it. I wonder if it's willful ignorance, or if he's just so used to running his life with blinders on to what he doesn't want to see, and he goes through places so fast that he never actually has to face any of it. I don't know. Whatever, I'm rambling. I think they both have their issues, which weirdly makes me feel slightly better. Like maybe it's not just me. Whatever.

At least they're coming to see me...I wasn't sure they would. And I wasn't sure they wouldn't be pissed at me, though I haven't been yelled at yet. Dorian just looks kind of sad, and Math looked like he'd been suckerpunched when I first talked to him. Then there's Peyton, who's random, and showed up and gave me a plant. She's sweet, and rambles like no one I have ever come across before. Nice girl...not entirely sure why she's insisting on visiting me. I'm not complaining though. She definitely distracts when she's around if for no other reason than the rambling. I kept it the plant, they told me I could keep it in my room. I have a lot of books to read, a lot of things to draw with, and my journal. And then there's Leija, who keeps coming by too. She brought me my music, and some of her own. Interesting stuff. And this is me reminding myself again that the girl is taken, a motherfucking ANGEL, and off limits. I'm stupid, and just confusing things. So there. Whatever. One of these days I should probably start dealing with the whole she's an angel thing, too. Really. It's on the list.