Aug. 3, 2007
I am up FAR too early. Far far far too early. It's only like ... seven-thirty. I just couldn't sleep anymore. Can't sleep anymore. I was having all sorts of bad dreams. Like what if he doesn't show up? What if I get called during our lunch or whatever? He's going to think I'm fucking insane. And he'll avoid me like the plague and then I can't go to the thing and then all of Caleb's friends will think I'm a freak too and then I've already shot myself in the foot here.
... when did I start caring, though? About this socialization b.s.? Maybe it's better if they DO avoid me forever. Then it won't hurt as much.
Because some things are inevitable.
UGH.
I still have to go, though. Because if I don't go and then HE goes and I'm not there? Even worse. Plus he's ... really nice. And talented. And has a great smile and doesn't seem stuck up or anything and he's funny and oh my god I need to shut up RIGHT NOW and burn this.
But I'm sure by just being myself, I'll be able to alienate him. He'll see soon enough. He asked too soon, he doesn't know me yet. He'll see, and then Caleb will see too. Then it'll be okay and the universe will be back to normal and I can go about my life with no one in it. Because that's what's best, for everybody concerned. I'm not like them. Not at all. They've got their happy, normal lives and I've got ... death. A lot of it. That's all this is: just a blip on the Normality Radar. It will be over soon enough. Yeah. New place, crazy stuff happening, no big deal. It'll pass.
Just let Thom see me freak and have to give excuses saying I have to be somewhere else, and that'll be the end of that.
Nobody wants to hang out with a crazy girl.
... well at least I'm going in with a good attitude, right? Ugh.
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