Emptiness, Nobility and Distractions

Mom grounded me and right now, now? I’m glad she did. It means I don’t have to go anywhere. I can be alone, without everyone looking at me. I can feel their eyes on me, following me. But it means I can’t see Leija – at school, yeah, but the weekend’s coming up. The thought of the whole weekend without seeing her. I need her, she understands. More than ever now, she understands.

Noble. Is it noble? Am I noble? There are days when I think it’s just stupid, giving up your life for one other person. When you think about it objectively – why should one person’s life be more important than another’s? But then I factor her in and I can’t think objectively – I know the answer. because it is. But I still don’t know if it’s noble.

You could put the same term to Leija – noble, selfless. Being there for all those people when they really need it, giving of herself every day. What could be nobler than that? But if you put it to her, I think she’d be more likely to tell you of the horror of what she does, the helplessness, pain and suffering, of the anguish. I doubt ‘noble’ would be a term she would accept.

The reality is never what it appears to be. The reality is sacrifice, making difficult choices, and worry. But it’s not death – I’m learning to be grateful for that. We both have our paths in life and my burden is nothing compared to hers. But what I’m eternally aware of is that my burden, light as it is, stops me from helping her with hers the way I’d like to.

She needs someone who can be there for her, all the time, without pause or hesitation. All I ever seem to do is let her down. If I’d have been someone else, we wouldn’t even have been at that mine. We would have been out at the Island, like I’d planned. We would have had a good time, come home, heard about missing people and worried with everyone else. I put her in harm’s way. That was my fault. She has enough pain in her life without my adding to it.

Let’s look at my track record, should we? We go to a party, party gets attacked by cats, I abandon her. She ends up in hospital. We go up to the mine, cave in, we end up lost in some scary other place for three days. Both times she wouldn’t have been there, except for me. I’m not good for her health.

I suppose the ‘noble’ thing to do here would be to let her down gently. To say that we shouldn’t see each other anymore. She said that I make her happy, that she can forget about her duty when she’s with me, that I give her something brighter. I can’t help but think that she’s ignoring the rest. I love her, she would be better off without me, but I can’t let her go. I have enough self-sacrifice in my life. I’m not noble.

There’s so much I’m not saying here. I’ve reread this and I know there’s so much I haven’t put in – so much I’m just not ready to talk about. Maybe one day I will be. Maybe it’s better that I don’t and try and forget. Do I really want a written reminder?

Distractions. That’s what it’s come down to – I’m distracting myself. Talk of Leija here, rather than what happened there. Filling my days with music, endless music, because it fills the emptiness. Cocooning myself with music, wrapping it round me as though it could keep me safe, insulated from the world.

I wonder if I’ll sleep tonight.