Everything's A Mess

[ mood | melancholy ]
[ music | Seeing Things by The Black Crowes ]

Dear Diary,
Life seems to have just crashed and burned. Badly. I don't know which way is up anymore, or something. I don't know what to focus on, either. No, scratch that. I know what to focus on. I need to focus on the dream stuff, the mine stuff. Because then I can stop thinking about that huge gaping wound that is Journey being gone.

I just can't deal with it, I think. Like I know it's happened, but I still think of him in the present tense. Like he's still there. Like he's going to call me up at any moment to tell me he'll be by in a sec cuz he hasn't bought me ice cream this week yet, and that's been a ritual for us since we were like, ten. So yeah, I just...I keep his key with me. Like to his house. I want to go there, but haven't. I know it'll be so hard.

Then there was the fact that Joshua was hurt. And god I can't even tell you how badly I was scared when he said it, and I just...what if something happened to him? I'm so worried. He's got a guardian angel, and he was still hurt. I just...it was a real reality check. That he can be hurt and taken away, and I really couldn't deal with that. I couldn't. The concept floors me. With Journey gone, if he was too...

I have to stop thinking about it. I can't do this right now. I also have to think about my dad. My birth-dad. I just...dunno. I want to see him and talk to him, and there's so much going on in my life, and what if I'm a disappointment? What if I'm not what he thinks I should be? Or I'm too simple. I mean, I've never been anywhere. He's been all over the world. What if he thinks I'm not good enough, or something?

Did I mention that I feel like everything's all messy right now? I just...need sleep, I think. Sleep, and time, and to not be feeling like the world crashed and burned. Even if it has.