fucking masochistic tendencies

Nic...I like the girl. I would like to skip over the bullshit 'we're just friends with a sliding scale of benefits' and go straight for something else, because I'm just a dumbass, and don't think I handle the halfway bullshit well. I know a lot of guys would be jumping at the chance here. Something without strings, and hell, with my nature, I should be too. I'm just not. I'm not built for it. Clearly. I almost called her my girlfriend the other night, and that's just not the case.

She's still good for me, though occasionally we hit these walls. These weird stop-points where I'm not sure if it's me, or what the fuck it is. If it's just my own twitching, or some deep down, dark, diseased need to fuck myself over on everything. It would make sense if it was that. If I was just sabotaging myself. Historically speaking, I probably do it unconsciously regardless of what I think I'm up to. Even if I don't especially want to deal yet again with fucked up bullshit and personal issues.

But...yeah, whatever. There are stick-points. Like my own shit. And I even know that she's looking for an excuse to get around things. Fuck, she even said it. To hand her a reason. And if I was slightly more desperate? I'd be doing that. Also, one twitch point I have is she just...teases. Which normally I'm all about. I'm all for. I love a good tease. I like doing it to her. I just don't know if she gets that yeah after a while? It's not fun anymore. It's difficult. And maybe she enjoys seeing me squirm, or be uncomfortable, but it's not that great for me. I think that's kind of Nic all over though. She's a girl who doesn't quite get where the 'okay done now' point hits. She always has to take that few steps extra over the line. ...which could be part of what attracts me to her, really, which just means this is all a big catch 22.

There's pressure there that I have to learn to deal with. Because she's landed everything on me. The whole not giving into what we both want? She's laid that on me. Which basically means she can do whatever she wants, and if there's a halt to be called, I'm the one who has to do it. Which is scary as fuck for me, because I don't have the clearest idea of lines, now do I? But she seems to expect me to know. And to stop everything, when by the way, I want her so fucking bad sometimes...

But it's like she wants to get to play the game, but she doesn't want to share in the responsibility of it. Like she wants to be able to do whatever she wants to me, but never pull back, or...anything. And she asked if she was putting too much on me? And I was honest, I told her it was a bit much to have to carry on my own. And she seemed to understand.

Then when I was about to leave, she hit me up with more. Just so casually, like she wasn't even thinking about it. Again. Maybe perspective is what she lacks. The idea that she should possibly look at how something'll be taken...but then again I had that talk with her too, only it had nothing to do with us and or sex. But whatever, even after the talk on things, she had to go hitting me up again with things. So...I'm not sure that actually sank in for her. Or that she gets it. She also doesn't get that you can't miss something you've never experienced before nearly as fucking much as something you have and crave. So...yeah. But that's just a little bullshit side observation of mine.

So, two observations about Nic in regards to me?
* she's going to get me killed one day
* sometimes she draws the darkness in me closer to the surface than I'd like

And yet I'm not considering leaving.

I have to be a fucking masochist.