Guilt... But Apparently Not Enough

6:11PM, Saturday, September 29
Music: Blink 182, Down

Delilah went back home today. I miss her already :(

To catch you up, since it's been-- over a week, wow! The watching feeling in the mirrors? It got worse. Ooooh did it get worse. There were these... shadows, in the mirror. These shroudish shapes. Then they came *out* of the mirrors. And then they attacked.

They attacked me, and Delilah, and Shannon, and apparently Ivan and his friend who he likes, and a Faryngael named Michelle who stopped on my doorstep... and the news tonight says a lot of other people, too. Only the news isn't saying *what* attacked, just that people died under "mysterious circumstances". I haven't gone outside yet, down to Babylon-- though I'm going to as soon as the sun actually sets, behind all those clouds; I'm starving again, I feel like I've been hungry for days-- so I don't know what the town is like. I've hardly gone outside at all in the past few days.

It's been three days. *Three*. They stopped attacking this morning. I don't understand, I don't know what they wanted or why they stopped, but for three days I got shredded over and over again, every hour or two. At least Delilah came through it okay. That was why she was here, they only got her that one, first time, when I couldn't be there to protect her. I couldn't go to her-- I couldn't be there. There was sunlight, and she was alone, and god, I feel so bad, I didn't even think she'd be in danger when I was attacked until Jade came running home to me.

And I didn't even have a cat on Ivan's house, so I didn't even *know* he was in danger until he called today from the hospital. He got horribly sliced up, one hundred and fifty stitches he said, and infection. I feel like such a horrible, rotten friend-- I didn't even think. I couldn't be there for him, either, and it didn't even cross my mind that I should have been. And I can't go get him, hospitals don't let in people like me. And they won't let him just walk out to come to *me*. I can't even visit; visiting hours are over long before the sun goes down.

So what did I do? Instead of try to come up with a way to get to Ivan, I spend the afternoon watching movies with Delilah. Enjoying myself when he was locked up in that hospital room alone. I just feel terrible. But apparently not terrible enough.

And then there's Delilah. I kind of... got used to having her around. Four days, counting most of today, she was living in my house, sleeping in my bed, eating food I bought her and sometimes made for her. Alexi played with Kirk and she petted my cats. Between attacks we read books to each other, played a few board games, listened to some of my less-abrasive music, and just... talked. It was so... wonderful. I didn't want her to leave. She's been gone two hours, and already the house seems to empty.

I fell asleep next to her, watching her, this morning. And she didn't seem to mind. What does that mean? Anything? Nothing? I caught myself thinking I loved her the day before yesterday. I've got it bad. Real bad. This is not a good thing.

At least tonight I can get back to my routine. Make my rounds. Check on people. I've been so lax on that, so focused on Delilah and keeping her safe.... I need to snap out of this and focus. Other people are important, too, and I can't neglect them just because I might maybe love someone.

It's probably just a stupid crush, anyway....