Hand Written Journal Entry

Sometimes I look in the mirror, and I'm not sure what the fuck I'm looking at. Human? Demon? Something in between? I try not to fuck up, but I know I do. And lately it's harder to ignore. Fuck that, it's always been hard to ignore, but now it's just in my face a lot more clearly. Dorian seems to notice. The parents never did. I took off for a week once.

They never even knew I was gone.



So how exactly does that shit work? Whatever. I've been moved away from the uncaring fuckers. Now I've just got a whole new batch of problems. Nothing was fixed. Absolutely nothing. I'd thought maybe it was going to be a little better here. But...no. It's not. It's never going to be, I don't know what I was thinking. I'm just a fucking idiot, I guess.



And now there's Ten.



She's fucking crazy. Just not in a dangerous way. Just a really really naive way. She's told me she never went to school. That'll attribute a lot of it. But...I don't know. I like her. And whether I want to be or not, I'm attracted to her too. I shouldn't be. I know I shouldn't be. She's just a young girl who doesn't know anything about the world. And sickly enough, that's part of what has my attention. I look at her and she's just...untouched. I know she's had some trauma, but it hasn't dulled the light behind her eyes. And now I sound like a fucking cheesy 80's love ballad. Whatever. The point is it's there. And sometimes when she smiles, or looks at me in a certain way...I can almost buy into it. That maybe things aren't as bad as I think they are.



That never lasts long, but for a few seconds there...



Whatever.



Then there was her 'friend'. Her friend who knew nothing about me, and was accusing me of being a rapist. I've never touched her. I hadn't so much as done more than shake her hand at that point. And since, I'm still...I'm not that guy. I don't really do contact with people, it causes less questions that way. Never laid a hand on her. But maybe he saw something. I don't know. Maybe he could sense it. That dark half. The demon. It's right there, after all, isn't it? Just below the surface. I can pass for human most of the time, but that doesn't make me human. In fact, there's been times in my life I actively sought out that. Followed the darker paths. Maybe it's my true nature, and everything else is bullshit. Maybe there isn't any beating it, and I should give up now. Maybe I'm just hopeless, and she should listen to her friend and get far the fuck away from me. Seems like the best idea.



I can't shake it. She was here, and she put the window Dorian broke back together again, like she could fix it. She held my hand for a minute. Then when she was checking my stitches, I just...it felt nice. Her touch. And of course, that's when it all just hit me again. Her friend saying I could be a rapist. It really blindsided me, and I had to get as far from her as I could manage without leaving the fucking house. Maybe he's right. It's not like she's given any indication that she likes me. Not like that, anyhow. She's just...Ten. She comes and goes, and wanders back and that's about it. I'm just a place to stay right now, til she finds somewhere else. Maybe after she's found that place, it'll stop. She can go be where ever, I'll stay here, and that'll be the end of it. Then I won't have to deal with sweet innocent girls anymore who spend too much time around me. It's about all I can hope for at this point. So far hoping that the earth would just open up and swallow me down to hell hasn't been panning out, so maybe this will.