It's been too long

But, for all of that, I feel like I let her down. It’s not like she’s said anything or anything like that it’s just... I can’t be everything I want to be for her. I find myself not pushing when I want to, smoothing things over rather than trying to talk things through. I never realised that it would be this hard or that I would feel like this. Like I can’t I feel like I can’t push her to talk when she doesn’t really want to (but maybe needs to) because I can’t talk. Like I would be being a hypocrite. Maybe I’m imagining things, but for me at least it feels like a block between us. Maybe just a little one, but I can feel it.

I just have no idea what to do about it. Maybe I’m just imagining things.

In other news, things are going better between me and Kaysen, I think. We actually talked. I told her what I’d done and she didn’t freak out. I think having talked to Isaac she actually kind of appreciates it. Look ma – I did something right! Here’s to keeping on the roll of not fucking up.

I’ve had to cancel tomorrow’s date with Leija though – god, she looked so down when I brought that up. I couldn’t tell her that I felt the same way. Because I have to be there tomorrow. I can’t let her go alone. And I couldn’t run the risk of Leija trying o convince me we should just not go. A minor case of not being able to put her first – she probably doesn’t even know that that is what this is. She wouldn’t even be able to tell. Doesn’t make it feel any better though.

Isaac and I are starting to do better, I think. I thought I’d almost lost him there. Remember I was talking about being on a good run? Yeah, this was before that – when Thom the Fuckup was ruling. I told him about the weird, he freaked.

Oh yeah – let me recap. Kaysen = fire elemental (????) and also Leija = angel. Valkyrie.

Isaac only knows about Kaysen. God knows how he’d react if he knew I was dating an angel!

So, yeah, Isaac was mad, the band’s fucked because his hands are all burnt (another story, linked in with the fire elemental stuff – honestly, there’s too much for here), but they’re getting better. I think Isaac thought I’d been lying to him my whole life – which, okay yeah, I have been, but not like that. It was touch and go for a while, but we’re getting it back now. I don’t know what I would do if I lost my best friend. I can’t even begin to think about it. I’m not a whole person without Isaac I can’t imagine it.

The bad. Yes, there is, in fact, more bad – it wasn’t just the issues with Isaac. Much worse than that.

Two kids died yesterday. On the steps of the school, though it doesn’t make any difference, does it? Where they died?

According to mom, they’d been murdered – someone blaming vampires. That’s what was scrawled next to the bodies. Someone’s putting it about that it was suicide, but it wasn’t. She wouldn’t tell me anything else though.

The rumours said it was Kaysen at first. My world stopped. Literally stopped. Until I found her. And now – there are two people dead and I’ve fixated and two things (a) they’re not Kaysen and (b) there are vampires active in town and the threat they may pose. Not on the obvious there are two kids dead in town who shouldn’t be. The whole school is in mourning and I feel like I’m preparing for war. (Or possibly something less melodramatic).

That feeling was only intensified when I got home from school today and found a trunk outside my bedroom door from mom – full of stakes and crosses and holy water and [insert anti-vampire shit here]. She really went to town – hell knows if she had this stuff anyway. I guess she did. Am I meant to start carrying this now? Going out at night with a stake in my inside pocket?