Last Moments of Comfort
Today Lullaby Draven died. Or, maybe, yesterday - they didn't give a time on the news. I asked mom, but she really didn't look like she wanted to talk about it. She did tell me that Lulu was shot and that there was no sign of supernatural involvement though.
But, dead is dead.
I'm ashamed to say that my clearest memory of her is leaving her at the fire that night. I'd been talking to her when the cats attacked. And I just left her. Ran and totally abandoned her for Kaysen.
Like I abandon everyone. I'm useless, pointless, I couldn't even protect Kaysen if something came for her. What good am I doing here? Why? I'm not ready for this, any of it. I feel like I should know what to do, have the answers. And I don't - I don't have any of them. And they look at me and I see it in their eyes - Thom knows. Thom always knows what to do. He's the one who'll give us the answers, because he always has them. Thom's always there.
And I want to be that for them, I really do. I should be that for them. And... I can't. I don't know how. Someone changed the rules on me. Life isn't what I expected it to be. It's infinitesimally harder.
Did an angel appear for her while she died? Did she see? I know now that one must have done - her own valkyrie. I wondered if it was Leija. She hasn't called - did she have to go to someone she knew? Stand there while Lulu died? God, but I hope not.
And who did Lulu see? Leija said she knew they didn't always see her. Whether it was Leija or some other valkyrie, I wonder who Lulu saw. I hope and pray it was someone who gave her comfort.
I've been thinking on that, all day. When I die, who will be called to me? I'm not stupid, I know the chances of me dying at my natural time are slim to none. I'm well aware of my own mortality. I'm resigned and accepting of that. I only hope I can die protecting her. What will be, will be.
I hope Leija isn't called to me. I'd do anything to spare her that. But - will I see her anyway? If a valkyrie doesn't always appear as their actual form, but as someone who you want to see, would I see Leija anyway?
Part of me would hate that - because I'd believe it was her, because I would know that she would suffer so much to see me dying. Even if it wasn't her, I'd believe it.
But maybe it could do some good. If it was her. I could tell her how much she meant to me, I could tell her the genuine comfort her presence gave to me. That I wanted her there - that what she did wasn't useless, or pointless. That what she did meant the world. In my last moments, even if it wasn't really her, I'd want to see her.
If it wasn't really her - well, she can't be the only valkyrie in the world who needs to hear those words.
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