Lost

I'm writing on paper.

It sets to mood - and it sets the rules. I have to be careful in the journal.

But tonight I'm going to have a fire. Tonight - no, this morning. 'Tonight' suggests that I'm going to wait, but I'm not - it's not dawn yet on Sunday, I'm awake. I'm not going back to sleep. I'll get up when I've finished this and burn the damn thing.

Though, really - who's left to read it?

Isaac's gone. Flown off to NY to follow our dreams. Damn - do you have any idea of how often we used to talk about that? From the time I first picked up a guitar, when he picked up the bass, that was it. Other boys talked about being fireman and astronauts. We were going to be rock stars.

He's going to be a rock star. And I'm going to be here, being a nobody.

I can't say it wasn't my choice. Nobody's actually keeping me here but me. I can't blame anyone else but myself. I could abandon my calling and go with my heart. There's nothing to tie me here.

Except, I can't - I can't let me go. Saying that I could go is like telling me I could fly like a bird if I flapped my wings hard enough and found a big enough cliff to jump off. I can't describe it to anyone, how it feels. What it feels like - to have a calling, to know that you have something to do with your life. I can't describe it to anyone, that knowledge that you would give your whole life to someone, that you just know that you should.

The people who don't know, think me an idiot, I'm sure. No - they've told me to my face, so I just know. It's not that I don't want to do it, I would in a heartbeat if it wasn't for her. But I just know that I'm not meant to do that with my life. I have other things to do, and they're so many more times important.

I don't regret my decision, I'll never regret my decision.

But I'm not a saint, I'll never be a saint. I wish things could have been different and I've blamed everyone at one moment or another over the last 24 hours. Him, her, my mo, my dad (wherever he is), whatever deity's looking down - if one exists - whatever fucking demon that created the joke that's my family. Whatever cursed us. Everyone.

I can be petty too, you know.

But at least I got to say goodbye. To Isaac, before he left. He asked me again to come, but only lightly. I'm so grateful that he knows - I couldn't have handled him not understanding. That would have been too much, to lose him as a friend. He insisted that we come out to see him. We - he wants me to bring his sister out. He'd obviously been giving it some thought. Ways to make it work. I said we'd see what we could arrange. But he's insistent - if his family comes out, he wants me to come as well. And if his parents can't make it, then I can bring Kaysen out. That works for me and god, I'm so grateful for that understanding. And we got to say goodbye.

Which is more than I got with Leija. She left, you know. He father took her back home. I went to the hospital, like I promised I would, but she'd been checked out that morning. They're not coming back. I know I should just let her go, but I'd psyched myself up for visiting her, so I sent her a letter, saying all the things I'd been going to say - I'm not sure it made any sense. But there were flowers. Maybe they said more. Maybe I can let her go now. Maybe that would be better.

I'm feeling pretty lost at the moment. Everything with Isaac, everything with Leija. Some days I just want to crawl under a rock and hide, but I can never do that. I hurt a girl's feeling yesterday. Isabelle - cheerleader. She keeps turning up and I'm not sure what she wants from me. I'm sure I'm not treating her fairly. I know I have that prejudice against her 'type' - well, there was Em, who was a manipulative bitch. And then Chrissie who, hey - was also a manipulative bitch. Makes a guy cautious. Fine, she's cute - they're all cute. They don't give you those little uniforms unless you pass the appearance test. But I'm not sold on her whole 'I'm different' routine. I don't believe that anyone who's in that popular crowd doesn't have to work to be there. I know that Isaac put up with a hell of a lot more shit than I ever would. I can't believe she actually likes all the people she calls 'friends' and that she has a sunny a disposition as she tries to make out. There's got to be some downside there, and while I can't see it, then it's gonna bug. I said I'd see her at school tomorrow, and I'll keep that promise, I just - I mentioned feeling lost, didn't I? Everybody's left me. Everyone except Kaysen, but I'm not really a part of her life.