lost along the way

Let's go over the basics. My girlfriend, who was awesome right up until the second I kissed her then immediately lost her shit and went batshit fucking crazy, but who I'm masochistically still with anyways--dumps on me more, then blows town. That's awesome. I can't tell if I'm relieved she's gone for a while, or I miss her. Probably both. I'm well aware how stupid this makes me. Then there's Ten, who's mary fucking sunshine most of the time, uses me to deal with whatever might be going on in her head but never returns the favor, and then blows town too. After she was practically gutted. Cuz that's fucking brilliant. She's coming back sooner than Jamie, but still. I talk to her and everything but something's not the same for me, and I doubt she knows. She's moving out sometime here, she wasn't supposed to stay as long as she had, but I couldn't send her off somewhere where I didn't know she'd be safe. We'll have to see on that score. Whatever, I don't know if I'm relieved she'll not be under the same roof as me anymore or I'll miss her either. I'm not figuring it out any time soon, either, I'm still fucked up over them both and...whatever. Not going into this again.

Enter Leija. Or, more specifically, she came in a while ago, I just haven't had much contact with her. She helped me vandalize Crissy's room, which was great, and I liked her. Wound up inviting her to movie night at Journey's, though I showed late and didn't get to talk to her much, then invited her to the bonfire too which I was too fucked up to go to. I found out after the fact that the bonfire was attacked by the fucking cat demons, and Leija was there, and got put into the hospital. So did Journey, unfortunately, though Leija was delirious. She...talked to me, I guess. I was there, and she said a lot of things that stuck with me. I kind of felt bad, I 'd invited her, and I know she'd already been going with her boyfriend, but still. Whatever, moving on. She was really bad off, and I went to see her and she talked to me, told me a bunch of insane shit but stuff that sounded to me like...otherworldly. When I went back to talk to her a second time when she wasn't out of her fucking head, she talked to me some more, and told me the truth, or most of it.

I still think about her saying she was afraid to die, though.

She told me about how she's there for people dying. That she's got wings, all sorts of shit. Turns out it's true, too. I've seen her wings, they're...okay whatever they're beautiful. They're fire, and they feel...yeah I can't even pretend to come up with a word that could describe it accurately. Charged but soft, they don't burn, don't put out heat, they just light up like fire. They look good on her, like they belong there, as fucked up and stupid as that sounds. Like after I saw her with them, and we walked around together in the orphanage for a few hours with them out, it seemed strange to see her without them. I've never seen anything like them, and I've started drawing them

Back on track, we hung out, pissed each other off, argued a bit, she cried, hit me twice, yelled at me, and we generally had an interesting time. At the hospital, and again at the orphanage, she sort of...gets things out of me. Like she doesn't let me push everything aside, and while we do get into her issues and shit, she remembers to come back to mine. So, we've talked, and I don't know. I like her. Even if it's kind of emotionally gutting, I still can't say I was sorry she called and I went out with her to wander around an abandoned building.

Then I talk to Dorian this morning, and he tells me that Valkyries are Angels.

Yeah. A fucking ANGEL. Why does this shit happen to me?! How did that even happen?! Honestly, what the screaming bloody mother fuck was that?! I'm so thrown right now I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. An angel for fucks sake. I find a friend who I might be able to talk to, and it turns out she's someone who might oh, say, immediately try to kill me if I told her the truth about myself. Dorian...jesus, I wonder what world he lives in. It's definitely not the same one I'm from. Where I'm from, angels aren't exactly all fluffy little bunnies who're going to accept anyone with the word 'demon' in their lineage as anything but evil tainted son of a bitches who need cleansing in the most violent, fatal way possible. Last time I checked, there was still a battle between good and evil going on, and demons and angels fought it. What the fuck naive land is he living in? I hate saying it, but I just think he's spectacularly blind on this one, and it actually worries me. Like, to the point where I think I have to call Math over it and ask him what the fuck is up. Not that Dorian's eager to confess his own shit to anyone, but that's what he expected me to do. Nevermind he never told his best friend(who by the way is a hunter, I didn't know that and I want nothing to do with him ever). He still says I should just go run and confess to Leija what I am. And get this. So she can feel less alone.

You know, I know she feels alone, but how the fuck does he know that? How does he even know we're close enough that I'd ever tell her something that fucked up about myself? She knows enough as is, that's not including being a half demon. But...does he want me to get myself killed? Fuck, that just occurred to me right now, and is it a horrible thought. I guess it would be easier for him. Give advice to go confessing things to the one species that's specifically out to wipe demons off the face of the planet, and I happen to be half-one. Yeah that's brilliant. Why didn't I think of that? Oh yeah, because I'm not that suicidal today. Yet. Fuck.

So...yeah. I don't know. It could be nothing, maybe she wouldn't care, but you know, I just don't know her well enough to know for sure that she wouldn't. Hell I don't know if Jamie would care. There's a reason I didn't tell her either. I'm aware what I am isn't exactly made of awesome. I'm a fucking half demon. For all I know, I'm supposed to be evil by nature, or have no soul, or something. If souls even exist. I know spirits do, but souls? I'm so not getting into this right now.