negative inspiration: you're such an inspiration for ways that i will never ever choose to be

I mean fuck, for one thing, she knows I tried to kill myself. How good does that make me? Clearly, at some point there I just didn't care enough about my family or friends to give a fuck about how much it was going to hurt them that I'd do something like that. That I'd just suddenly be dead and gone, and I don't think any of them would have known why. It's not like I left a note.

So I don't get it. I don't get how she comes in, decides to adopt me, and makes all these decisions about me when she doesn't know me. I haven't really told her anything about me, and she hasn't really tried to figure anything about me out. So...I don't understand. At all. It's like all that's there is her idea that I'm some imagined virtue, and I know I can't live up to it. It's bothering me deeper than I would like, and I just...don't quite know what to do. If I tell her not to come back, I don't think she will, but at the same time, she's one of the only people who does see me. For people at school...it's Leija and Peyton. I don't know what happened to like, Journey or whatever, but I know he hasn't tried to contact me. When I was on the phone earlier, I even tried his number but it was out of service. Maybe he's gone. Would be my luck. No answer from Jamie either. Yeah, I tried. My head's...I don't know. Messy. So I thought I'd try. Lot of good that did me.

When I was talking to Dorian, I was thinking about how it might just be easier and safer to take Aiden out. And I don't feel weird about that. It would be. Just quick and simple, problem over. No worries about him, or if he'll suddenly turn his hunting mind towards us. And that's murder, what I'm talking about here. I've never killed a human myself. Not that I know of, anyways. I guess some of the things I killed back home might have been humans mixed in with...whatever else I was taking down for whatever reason. But not deliberately, not like I thought of that. But I don't think that I never will, either. It's just kind of there, part of who I am. A piece of that violent part of myself that revels in a good fight, enjoys it. Looks for it. And there are other things too. Melia. I wonder how she is I know she eats people. I still hang out with her anyways. I don't know how she gets them, or if she's killed anyone around here. And I don't really care. I haven't thought that much about it. Looking at just that shit, I know the way I see things is fucked on some level. Because it's not like I'm stupid, and don't know that it is to normal people. That's called being a fucking psychopath, is what that is. Like, by human standards, the way Melia views the world is horribly insane. But for her it's normal. I guess for me, thinking like this is normal, though everyone else would be sickened. I don't get to skip back to the ocean though. I have to live here with the people who'd put me away if they knew the truth.

I remember when I was younger, I was too awake to sleep(I was nocturnal even then), and I was looking out the window. My room overlooked the garden out back, and I remember the moonlight out there. Bright enough to read by, it seemed like. I was just watching for movement, seeing if I could catch sight of some of the nocturnal animals around the place. Mom was out there. I didn't see her right away, it was kind of a foggy night. Or maybe it wasn't, and my memory just is. Either way, that's how I remember it. She was dragging something. Heavy, large, though she was strong enough to pull it behind her pretty easy.

To this day, I think it was a body. Maybe it wasn't, and my head was just overdramatic then too, but I remember it that way. I never figured out one way or another, even if I tried the next day to follow where she'd dragged the thing to. Off the property, beyond the fence, I never found anything.

I remember shit like that, and I wonder how dad dealt. Or if he just didn't care, he just loved mom, and she could be as psychotic as she wanted, just so long as she'd stay with him. I guess I've always seen my father as the weak one in that relationship. The submissive is normally the one who's got the actual power in things, because a word from them and it all stops but I'm not sure it worked like that between them. Ever. It always seemed to me like she held all the cards, end of story. She might have ascended because of him, but in the end I guess I see him as That Guy. The one who found a woman who filled up his entire world, and was consumed by her.

I wonder if we all see him like that, and that's why both Dorian and Mathias aren't keen on relationships. Maybe we're all striving not to be our parents, in one form or another. To definitely not wind up like dad, some pathetic asshole who got led around by the dick by a demon of all things. Who could have ended up just another toy as I'm sure she'd had many before he came along. And to not be like her either. Never be like her.

It's also fucked up to think about them being in love. Because I know they are, in a detached, objective sort of way. And I know they loved Mathias, and I know they loved Dorian. I think they ran out by the time I came around. Maybe it's because I never had anything. I was never anything special, no bright gem like either of my brothers. They shot their wad on the first two, and I was the left over bullshit that was the parts they would hate. The weak, human side, because I didn't get any perks, and just the one night a month for the tell.

Is that why I'm as fucked up as I am? Why I'm here? Because I'm not what I should be? Because I'm a half fucking demon, and it's a title and a drawback, but I didn't get the balance for it? Would they have loved me if I'd developed some kind of ability?