no more drinking

why do I drink? I keep saying I won't again and I do. every time.

at least I made it back to my room safely. that counts for something.

dad still hasn't called. I left another message. Maybe he's on a hunt? I just wish he'd call me back.

I'm going to pay Antique Girl back tomorrow and leave if dad hasn't called yet. I can hitch back to Maine, no problem.

I should know better. Really. All it takes is reading my past entries in this journal and *hello*! why can't I take my own damn advice? Why am I so completely stupid? this girl I met tonight asked why so much misery over a guy. but it's so much more complicated than that. it's not over a guy. this sort of horrible could never be over one guy and if it was? that's exactly why I avoid becoming attached to *anyone*. I have enough misery than to add stupid guy issues on top of it.

it was just nice, for awhile, to be able to talk to someone. he wanted answers, and I didn't have the right ones to give him. i made a stupid decision - that's all I seem to be able to do here. I was scared and alone but how pathetic does that sound? like he cares about that. who am I, anyway?

but I thought maybe I could tell him and he wouldn't judge me. i could tell dorian because he *knew*...he had answers I wanted. but I didn't care what he thought about me. mathias was different and that is what is so frustrating about this. I though that maybe, out of everyone I'd met so far, he would understand me. that I could open myself up a little more, even if the circumstances weren't the most ideal. i expected a lot more out of him which was another mistake. i already knew he wasn't special, or different from the others. he proved that in babylon...so why did I even think that maybe...

no. instead he tried to pay me to leave. and I think my shoulder is bruised. so not only do I get to be humiliated by bribery, but I get manhandled like I'm nobody. maybe i'm not.

that's what trust gets you. that's what *people* get you when you take a chance. nothing had even really begun and already I know damn well *that's* over. see? and I knew this would happen. it always does. people lie. people use. people hurt.

never again. ever.