Settled - Sort Of

When I think I've got things settled, something else happens that sort of throws it all into upheaval. I actually have an apartment. It's not a long term lease, thankfully, but it's nice to have a roof over my head and some place that doesn't make me feel so alone - even if it is damn near empty. And I am starting to think that Herbert may just be the perfect roommate. He sleeps like a freaking bear - except that night I wasn't home and he came looking for me - so when I come home late, I don't worry about waking him up because I don't think even the fire alarm could do that. He eats everything I make him - without gagging or getting violently sick - and he doesn't pry. Even if he asks questions, he never really pushes for anything deeper than the answers I give him, which benefits me. And he's just a sweetheart. And it's nice to have someone who is consistent in making me smile. It's a nice change. The only downside is that I sometimes do want someone to talk too. I just don't think Herbert is the right person. I'm sure he'd listen, but I don't honestly think he would *get* it. I think he's just been too sheltered in his upbringing that he sees the lighter side of everything, and I don't want to spoil that, or change him, by telling him my problems.

Mathias came by to see me. Twice. The first time was to see if I had seen his brother, which I hadn't. Apparently Caleb had gone missing again. I tried to help him the best I could, even though before he walked through the doors of the diner, I had been determined to tell him to fuck off if I ever ran into him again. I don't know why I couldn't do it. Maybe because he looked so tired - and worried. And then today he stopped by to tell me they'd found Caleb and he was in the ICU. I don't really know how the conversation ended up the way it did, but I think I handled myself pretty well. I fought the urge to fight with him - and he then he actually talked to me. I don't know how I feel about that. Obviously he needed *someone* to talk to in this situation. And I don't really mind being that someone - but I can't keep doing it if I only end up being a target for his frustrations. He promised to try and be civil, but I don't know if that will hold up either. I think when we were avoiding each other, it was easier. He confuses the hell out of me. I think the feelings I have for him will only make this more complicated because nothing is ever going to come of them. They just can't. It feels like an impossible situation for both of us. So what do I do? Be content with being an occasional "ear" for when he needs to get things off of his chest? And where does that leave me? Because I certainly can't talk to *him* about anything. I tried that once and hey, all I got from it was a blow off and bribe to leave. I just don't know what to do other than focus on myself and move on. He told me I should. So maybe I should.

Which sort of brings me to Judiel. Not that there is anything there. I've only talked to the guy twice. But I like his company. I'm going to try hard not to mess that up the way I did with Mathias. Not that the two situations are even remotely the same. But just talking to someone else - even if I did shove my foot in my mouth more than once - was really nice. Just talking. About nothing that you would think was important, but it was to me. But it was such a nice distraction from everything else. And it didn't hurt that he's good looking - which is only designed to get me into trouble again. I am trying not to read into anything, because the dinner was just a friendly, neighborly payback for his generosity. But he did ask me to come to dinner with him again. And I don't know if he meant that as a *date* or just...a payback for my payback? Or maybe he was just being friendly and nothing will come of it at all. I just don't know. I don't think I've ever been on a date. There was James, but that didn't really count. Because we didn't date. Not the traditional way. And that was a disaster. I don't know how to go about this. If I even need too. Again, maybe he was just being a welcoming neighbor. Maybe I'm just overthinking something that I shouldn't be. Because I know if I overthink it, I'll panic and do something stupid like I do all the time, and it won't even matter because he'll probably start avoiding me the way Mathias did.

Maybe I just need to put this pen down and stop writing before I fill up five pages of complete nonsense. Maybe I need t