So here was my day
Okay, so, weird of me to write two days in a row. Check. But it's late now and Thom's gone and I got called out to California a little while ago for another car accident. One woman, middle aged. I think she probably had a daughter named Sandra, because that's what she kept calling me. Luckily it was swift. I always appreciate the swift ones, for both of our sakes. ... mostly their's.
But anyway. Here was my day. I went to see Caleb again, and brought him some stuff. I've luckily not had to be in the hospital much in my life, but it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that it's hella-boring. So I took him some stuff to draw with. I'm glad he'd told me already that he did, or it might've looked strange, but I got lucky. 'Cause for some reason, I don't want him to know that I found it. The charcoal he did of me. Honestly, I think I'm gonna go back to the orphanage sometime soon and get a picture of it. Just in case some delinquent motherfucker goes and decides to destroy it. It's too beautiful not to. And ... yeah, how many times is that going to happen, someone drawing me on a wall. Try never again.
So we talked about nothing for a while and then talked a while about other stuff and my face leaked a little, but that happens. Still, he seemed to be glad that I was there, even for a little while. Then, as I was heading out, I gave him a hug (when did I become a huggy person? I guess when my first friend here looks like he's been needing them from someone who gives a shit for like, his whole life now) and he smelled me. Like, full on hair sniff. Now maybe that's not strange, maybe it's just something people do all the time and I just never got the memo, but I don't think so. The stupid part is, it gave me chills. Like, good ones.
Let's review: Leija, no. That is all.
So I came home and took a bit of a nap and then Thom called. We had a good talk, I think. I love the way he's concerned with everybody around him (ha ha, imagine that), but I reminded him he needs to take care of himself too. I suck at advice, and then we got sidetracked into other stuff, and then we went out and had dinner and a movie. It was fun. It really really was. When he relaxes, he's the best ever. Not that he's not when he doesn't relax, but I mean in the boyfriendly fun sort of way. Serious-Thom is good too, though. Especially when he all looks at me with those heavy-eyes and wets his lip (omg those lips) and stuff ...
Wow, see? Mind wandering. To the rest of the evening. Which involved being pinned to a wall and kissed like the world was ending and christ on a cracker, nobody ever told me that oral sex was so AWESOME. (God, I'm glad I hide this thing.) There was a minute (okay more than one) when I was totally ready to give myself to him, and he wanted to, but apparently super-fertility runs in his family or comes with the curse or something. And I'm not on the pill or anything, and no condoms in the house, so that didn't happen. Because babies? Not a good idea right now. I think I'm okay with that. Impatient, in my mind, but it's something to dream about until it either happens or there's a way around it or something. But still, oh my god, it was still so good.
And then we stayed naked and cuddled and he scared me for a minute 'cause he looked so sad about saying he'd never felt this way about anyone before and I thought maybe there was a big "but, we have to break up now" attached to the end of it. Which I completely would've punched him in the balls for, for god's sake. But that's not what he was doing, he was just ... worried about how his duty would affect me. I reassured him, because it's not like my own will never get in the way. And we just have to cross bridges when we come to them and keep being as open as possible about it. It'll never work any other way. And I want it to work.
I got stupid and rambly (no, never, right?) and told him that I think I'm in love with him, or almost there. And it's true. I'm just a stupid teenager, of course, so I'm sure people would say I don't know the first thing about love. But he's just ... I dunno. I could slap down a list of good Thom qualities, but it really wouldn't convey it effectively. I know that he sees me. For real. I don't have to shield anything from him or make up any excuses for myself, and he still wants me. Maybe that's a stupid reason to almost-love someone. There is no doubt that on top of that, he is made of wonderfulness. But I don't think I could love someone who didn't know (or couldn't handle knowing) me, and it feels like Thom does. Not every inch (of personality, at least), and maybe I'll find something that clashes or doesn't work about us, but I still don't think that'll change anything.
Still, when he's around (and just thinking about him), he makes me happy. And not in that fake way. So what else is there? I told him how I felt, and he didn't say it back, not in the definitive way, but I'm kind of glad for that. I want to be surprised, and I want him to do it on his own.
He wants me to meet his mom Monday night, and that's unspeakably terrifying. Because it's not just "oh here's the girl I casually date", it's "oh here's the Valkyrie that I'm falling for and we've almost had sex but not quite and you're worried that she'll attract trouble to me because of what she is, please pass the salt." Ugh.
So yeah, I'm exhausted for a million reasons. Bedtime now.
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