Soaked in gas, ready to burn

I'm going to try to sleep soon, but I don't think it'll go too well. Nightmares are something I'm used to? But somehow, remembering them makes the prospect that much worse. And I know I'm going to remember them. I helped kill something tonight. Someone. Caleb said I didn't kill it, but I wonder if it would've lived long after I ran it over. And hey, werewolves. He told me they were out there? But I think it's like telling someone that fire is hot doesn't compare to dousing them in gasoline and throwing a cigarette at them.

So I saw it... and now? Well, I'm scared. Scared of being a liability, dragging him down, getting someone hurt because I'm not right for this. I need to get my shit together. I can't decide I'm going to push faster than Nate or Caleb will let me, because I'll get one of them hurt. As much as I want to neuter those boys? They know this shit better than I do. So... patience. Kickboxing. Get a job. Try to quit smoking.

Fuck that last one, actually. These things are going to keep me sane.

So yeah, I'm starting today. Kickboxing, Muay Thai, whatever it's called. I need to get in shape, try to ease the burden of whatever Caleb can show me. I'm gonna call Ash back soon, find out about when I can work. Doing what I think I need to is gonna cost money, right? Finding the little witch shop Nate mentioned? Well, I want to make sure I've got the cash for there and Nevermore, and I can't drag my feet. One month and it starts again, if something fucked up doesn't happen sooner. If it does? I hope I can help. I hope Caleb lets me.

I get why he won't, but it fucking sucks. That boy... he's a big ball of hurt. And he doesn't want me to end up the same? But I don't think he should have to keep taking it on himself. He's scared for me, I think, not that he'd ever say it like that. But I can see it, he worries that I'm going to get ripped open. I think it's why he kept backing off when... god, I can't even write that down. We got close, that's plenty of description. He doesn't want to take that chance if he thinks I'm just going to die.

So why did I back off? Probably because I could see him hesitate, and who am I kidding? I'm not the girl to take that chance. The moment I see it in his eyes, it's because of me. Because he's still hooked on his ex, or I'm just a friend, or whatever. Fucking boys. I didn't think it'd be so frustrating without something already there to miss? God, it is.

I wish he could tell me what he won't say. If I had a secret to trade, maybe he would. All I know is I'm tired of him biting back something of that size, because whatever it is? It's huge. And there's nothing that I can do about it except watch it twist him tighter and tighter.

Fuck it; kickboxing's going to help me with this shit. Finally, I'll have an excuse to pop someone in the fucking face every day. Maybe I'll write more later. For now I'm going to sleep, hope I don't dream.