a strong word

And it was so easy. To fall back in, to lose everything, and I hadn't even known I'd started to depend on things. People, whatever. I didn't know I'd let myself get that vulnerable. Finding that out was jarring to say the least. I don't know what the fuck to do with myself. I don't know which direction to go next. What to do. Do I shut down again? Try to get back everything else? Can I do either?

I don't know. I just know that I hate how everything is right now. I really hate it. I feel so lost, and I don't know who to talk to or even if I should. I want to, and I don't. It's fucked up. Everything's fucked up. Things with Jamie, things with Ten. Possibly with my brothers, the jury's still out on that. With Jamie, I think she wants to try, but I still don't know why. If it's just because I was good for her, or what. With Ten? Fuck, I don't know. She falls asleep every fucking time I've tried to talk to her about shit. She gets out what she needs then that's it. Like Jamie, all about her. They're both centered on their own shit, and don't seem to have time to give a shit about mine. Is it selfish of me to want someone around, friend or more that might have more of a reciprocated relationship? I've got a lot of shit, I know that, and I don't want to deal with it but I know I have to. I just know that so far? Trying on my own isn't working. It hasn't. Whatever.

So I suck and as much as I thought I didn't need anyone, I might. Just..turns out I don't have anyone. Even when I thought that I might. Dorian...he doesn't need this bullshit. He really doesn't. Math? I think Math wouldn't get it even more than Dorian doesn't. Math's never had to live a day in his life that everything wasn't handed to him on a silver fucking platter. So I don't think he would ever understand even in the slightest how it would feel to be invisible, to not matter. Everywhere he goes, it's like he's this light, and all eyes gravitate towards it. So yeah, I don't think he could ever understand, and he'd just think I was being stupid.

Granted, I know I'm being stupid, that just doesn't change how I feel. Doesn't change what happens either. Doesn't change the anger, doesn't change my reactions, and doesn't make me want to ensure my long life. I think the scariest part of this was realizing how...saying suicidal is so stupidly dramatic but that's kind of what it is. Looking back, I figure if I hadn't been dropped on Dor's porch, I don't think I would've made it to graduation. Math says he would have come to see me when I was out of the house. I don't think I would have ever gotten there. Not at the rate I was going, and I can really see it now in retrospect, with something to compare it to. Suicidal's a strong word. It's more...I go out looking for trouble, and I don't especially care if I get out of it.