thank you for making me feel like I am guilty

That and last night...while it felt amazing at the time, and I don't regret it per se, it did move incredibly fast. I...okay this is stupid, I'm aware, most guys my age(or not, even) would have gone for it completely, not cared about it, and just be begging for more. I guess I don't downshift that fast, though. I was hesitant about getting involved with her in the first place just because of my own bullshit issues. That and all the trouble I attract, but whatever. Now I'm just...I don't know. Maybe I was right to be hesitant. If things hadn't progressed beyond friends, maybe things would be fine right now. She'd talked about that other guy who liked her. Maybe they would have been right for each other, who the fuck knows.

You know, that's still bothering me too. How she was going to deal with that. I can't get over the feeling that that was just one of the most horrible things ever. She was just going to...lead him on and not tell him til Monday. I can't even say how much is wrong with that. But I'm going to try. First? Leading him on. Way to give a guy hope, go hang out with him all fucking weekend and go play groupie at a show he invited her to. Yep. That's not cool. Second, hiding me? What, I'm good enough for her to date, but not to tell anyone about? I'm some secret she's going to keep? What the fuck? How does that work? Makes me feel like...I don't even know. I can't even start to talk about it and make anything resembling sense. All I know is the whole thing left a really bad feeling in my stomach, and I don't know how to get past it yet. I try not to think about it. But still. I feel wrong about it, and I actually feel bad for the other guy. That she'd do something like that to him. Would she have to me? I can't help but wonder. I'd like to think she wouldn't, but then I'd like to think she wouldn't have done something like that in the first place. And I'd have been massively wrong on that.

I'm thrown badly because I really didn't see things happening like this. God, my head's a fucked up place right now. I just hooked up with a girl I really really liked. Shouldn't this be a good thing? Shouldn't everything be like, happy and great at least for a while? I don't even mind the normal arguing we do. I like the arguing. That's one of the things I appreciate about our relationship in the first place. But this? This wasn't arguing. This was just crazy served up on a silver fucking platter faster than I could think 'Hey Jamie, maybe we shouldn't be fucking like rabbits on the first date'.

I'm sitting back and still wondering how it happened in the first place. I'm going through, trying to find the point where everything went entirely to hell, and I just don't know. I kissed her, that was my lack of control bit. But after that? She did initiate everything else. I hadn't expected things to go that far. I really, really hadn't. Granted, I hadn't exactly had a plan, either, what with it being random on my end to have kissed her in the first place, but...yeah. Didn't expect things to go there. It really was amazing. I'm not complaining about it, at least, not how it was between us. Just on the pace. On how that shouldn't have happened then. What scares me is she said that it hadn't even occurred to her to stop until I said something. And even after I had, she'd still tried to get a little more out of me. I thought while we were arguing about shit, just for a few mintues there, that maybe that was really what she wanted out of me. Which for a guy to be saying is probably one of the most fucked up things I've ever heard, and I'm even embarrassed to be writing it down. I've known guys who would give their left nut to have a girl who just wanted them for sex. Me? ...I'm just not I guess. I'd rather have more than that. My brothers both seem like they're the types that that's all they want, and listening to Mathias talk--I don't want to wind up there. Having no one in the world but brothers I barely see. Walking around and knowing that no one really knows you, or wants to be with you.

Part of what attracted me to Jamie in the first place was that we could talk. It wasn't that she was hot, and she certainly is, it was that. I could talk to her, and things seemed...even. Sort of like she keeps talking about, being equal on things? That. I agree with her totally on that score. An uneven relationship wouldn't work. Right now I have to see if she's going to even back out again. A relationship definitely isn't even if one person loses all sense of self and control when around the other. That seems to be what I do to her when we're going into that boyfriend-girlfriend area. The things you don't do with someone who's just a friend. I can't say that part of me doesn't revel in it, but that's not what's closest to the surface. That's just that inner spark everyone has that's excited when you're actually wanted. I never figured anyone would want me. Not like that, and definitely not after seeing the scars. She does, and I'm still wrapping my head around it.

Maybe that's part of what's throwing me so badly. I'm still trying to get used to the idea that I might have a girlfriend, and then immediately I'm hit upside the head with freaking out, hard core three alarm insanity over it. How do I get past that? How do I deal with the fact that she's telling me to extremely different things? One minute she's all over me, the next she's telling me she's a whore because of it. Then after that she says she doesn't actually want to stop anything. It doesn't make the slightest bit of sense, and I'm trying hard to get it to line up in my head but it isn't working. It just...there isn't any way to make it make sense. There isn't.

I want normal-Jamie back. She was fine. Issues, sure, but everyone has those. Including me. But they were dealable, and we'd argue, and things would get better and we'd move on. I feel like she left the building the second I actually kissed her. Like I fucked up bad when I did that. I've never been known for my fantastically great decision making skills, but that seems like it's caused more damage than like, any other I've ever made.

And I don't even know how.