Too weird

Stupid shit. Seriously, I swear mom knows when I use this thing; the writing sounds are way too fast for it to be homework. And she's probably sitting in the kitchen just smiling to herself. If I didn't love her? I'd hate her.

And if there was any way to forget all the fucked up things I've seen and done since I met Lockwood, I might take it. Because for real, this relationshit? This 'being there for the friends of your friends' shit? It's like gravity flipped and threw me right into the ceiling fan; I don't know how to react and I keep getting smacked in the head. Which is stupid too, given that until the other day we had a fucking GHOST wrecking the house nightly, but I'm not really flipping over that. Making out with a guy who can do magic will do that, I guess. Still, fucking ghost broke my "World's Greatest Grandpa" coffee mug, that's a Hell-worthy offense right there. Restless-dead asshole.

And I just... his ex. He wants to help her. We're trying, mom's going to full nine yards as long as Caleb and I let her know when the town's going apeshit and why, if we know. She's already in the psych ward, I think, and I kinda want to go see her. I want to see what got him so hooked that he cares this much, because that fucking kid doesn't do it easy with anyone. But once he does it, I don't think he stops. And I can't tell him that, he's got his bullshit with there being anything positive about himself. Fuck you for that, Lockwood, you rock and suck at the same time. Which is probably Zen or some shit, I don't know.

But yeah, I might go see Leija. If I do, it's while seeing my mom, not as... whatever I am with Caleb. That'd just be too weird. Note to self: turtleneck.

I guess everything is 'too weird' lately, though. I haven't even gotten drunk in a couple of weeks, the freshmen could outdrink me. Sure, now I could take on like six of them at once? But now I don't want to. I want to... study? What the fuck.

I do, though. I'm getting better every day, too. Master Kak says I have some natural talent, I've got a job, I think I even have three spells memorized. I don't know if they work, but I could sing the steps of minor balms to the tune of 'Raining Blood' now. I just don't trust it. Maybe it's the nerves over helping Caleb, like I'm waiting for him to fuck off to the ex, Leija. Maybe it's because no matter how good things get, I know I'm gonna wake up in tears every week. Or because people might start dying again.

It makes me think about mom, what I know she wonders. Two weeks and I'm eighteen. Am I out of here? Back to Wisconsin, maybe to look for who I was? She worries, I do too. It's tempting sometimes, but I've started over once already. I don't think I could handle it again if I knew what life I was leaving. So let it rain shit, I've got a hoodie. If he goes, all I can do is take the good shit that happened and keep making it count. If the dark falls on us? I have to stand up. And when the dreams come? No positive thinking there, I guess I can just get through the next day like I've been doing.

The point is that there is a point now, right? That no matter what happens, I'm fighting to do something? That makes me feel strong all by itself. Fuck failure, fuck doubt, I've got shit to do. Testing for advanced classes hits on Friday, I'm gonna knock some heads. And fuck you too, diary. Time to train.