Who cares what number this is.

12:13PM, Tuesday, August 21, 2007

If I had typed this half an hour ago, I would probably have hurt my computer. I'm a little calmer now. A little. Not a lot, but enough not to damage the laptop.

I think I got about three hours of sleep. Maybe four. Now I'm awake in the middle of the day, and there's no way I'm going back to sleep. I couldn't even if I tried.

(And this is why.)

Konnor came to visit, like he said he would. He was hurt. And I mean, really hurt. Bleeding. And his brother was the one who hurt him. Like, cut him up, bit him. He needed stitches, all across his shoulder. Stitches! From his brother!

And Konnor forbade me from killing him. I want to so badly it hurts. It makes my hands shake. But I can't, because Konnor would probably never forgive me. I probably can't even go give him a good beating, either. It would probably just make things worse for Konnor, and I wouldn't, couldn't do that.

What can I do? Just keep quietly stitching him up? God, I don't want to do that again. It was terrible. I kept shaking while I was trying to do it, and the stitching got all uneven. I hope it holds. I hope it works.

But I can't think of anything else to do. Nothing I say will change his mind that he needs to be loyal, needs to stay with Jace, needs to put up with the pain and abuse. I know it, but I want to try, anyway. Just like I know I won't, anyway. And risk him getting upset with me? Risk him thinking I want to get between him and his brother? His damn, beloved, abusive brother? I know how that works. Or more like doesn't work. I wish I didn't, but I do. The more you try to pry them apart, the more they stick. Loyalty, stupidity, habit, thinking they deserve it... who knows. Probably a little bit of each... that's how it usually is.

The most I can do is just... be there. In case he needs me. But of course he won't, because he's never going to get out of that... no one ever does, unless you take them out. And that's the exact thing I can't do.

Maybe if I go beat up some zombies in a video game I'll feel better. At least then something will die. I can pretend each one has Jace's face on it.