Who do I Wanna Be?

I woke up today and had some kind of revelation. Okay, wait - no, I woke up today, had a fight with mom and THEN had a revelation. Its funny how things become clear to you when you're angry. And I hate being in a bad mood after having a decent night. See how the pattern seems to be when I have to talk to her I get pissed off? But can I complain? Getting pissed off helps me think - MAKES me think.

I just really want to do something. I don't know what yet. I spent all summer holed up inside but for the last few weeks. I don't even feel like myself anymore. Not with my mom, or with my skateboarding, or any of my other interests. The only thing that remains constant is that I keep writing. Crap stuff but I keep writing. When I have nothing else to do, when I can't sleep. It helps because I don't feel as restricted - I can say what I want, whatever I want. But it's all on paper. I used to be able to vocalize this stuff and not care. Now I'm constantly trying to edit myself around people - so I don't piss them off, or tip their defenses. I'm trying so hard NOT to cause trouble or say the wrong thing that it's driving me fucking INSANE.

I want to be who I was last year. I wasn't exactly the best person to be around, and I know that. But at least I felt normal. I don't feel normal anymore. The only time I do is when I hang out with Kaysen even with this fire issue - what fire issue you might ask? Namely, she could probably stick her head in a fireplace with burning wood and not get burned - at least that's how I'm understanding it. So does that mean she has something special about her? The way I do? Or even Jezebelle or Jordan? I keep asking myself that with no answers.

It changes a lot of things, because I feel like I could help her, even though I don't know exactly how. At the same time, I still don't feel like I can tell her what I am, or what I can do. I can't expect her to trust me 100% yet and I don't mind being patient. Though sometimes, even now, it seems like she's ready to bolt out the door if I say the wrong thing, but things seem to be progressing...I think she's getting more comfortable with me. I gave her a lot of my writings, so there's a chance she'll do run away regardless. Some of the shit I wrote was about her - though I'm not stupid enough to use her name. But I'm letting this girl completely inhabit my brain and that's not healthy, is it? It's like I'm pussy-whipped and I'm not even getting the pussy. See my dilemma here? I like her. More now than I did before, even though she doesn't make it easy. She's complicated, and difficult but really, all those things make her more interesting to me somehow. If she'd been anyone else, I'd have ditched her a long time ago. But I don't want too. I don't think I could even if I DID want too. She has this smile that I rarely get to see but when I do? I totally forget everything else, especially if I'm the reason she's smiling....

Fuck. I can just imagine her reaction if I did tell her everything. Whether about what I am now, what I've been through - or even how I feel about her. Just asking her if I could ask her out freaked her out. So I feel like I'm stuck in a spot. Maybe someday I can tell her. Maybe she'll trust me enough one day to let me in - REALLY let me in. I guess I just feel now that I'm not going to give up on her.

But on the flip side, after talking to Kaysen last night...she said some stuff...and I just want to skateboard again - the way I used too, where it ruled my life like nothing else did. I want to piss people off, and say what I want and do what I want. I'm so fucking tired of feeling restricted in everything. I want to feel the way I used to about things. I got my reputation at school for a reason, and what? I'm going to go back and be some sensitive, emo loner/loser? Fuck that. No fucking way. I'm tired of having to hide who I really am. I just want to have fun again. Pretend like I'm a normal seventeen year old guy. With meds and therapy. But whatever. I can deal with that shit. But at the same time, I feel like I have two people living inside of me sometimes and I don't know which one will win out.

I'm not making any fucking sense. The thoughts are flooding my mind faster than I can really comprehend them. I don't even know if any of this makes any sense.

All I know is, just because I'm different now doesn't mean I have to let it rule my life, despite what my mom thinks. I can still do what I want and be who I want. Time to stop hiding from everything. Time to wreak some havoc (if I want), cause some trouble (if I feel like it) and LIVE again and at the same time, remind myself of WHO I AM.

Fuck everything else.