Better That We Break

Who: Chance and Kaysen
When: Lunchtime
Where: Tennis courts

By the time the bell rang for lunch, Chance realized he hadn't seen Kaysen all day. Usually he caught glimpses of her, even if he wasn't able to catch up and say hello or steal her away for a quick kiss or something. But today he couldn't recall seeing her, which had him on a mission as people filed into the lunch room. He wandered for a bit, looking in the library, some empty halls and classrooms to see where she'd hidden herself. Finally he walked outside, realizing she left school at lunch at times, despite the weather. Sure enough, he found her at the tennis courts and was thankful he'd pulled on his jacket. "Hey," he said, walking up to her. "You doing okay?" Chance wasn't oblivious to her mood lately, or the fact that she had been unusually quiet - at least with him.

There was the little roofed dug-out type of place just outside the fence of the tennis courts, and she happened to be under said roof. She looked over when Chance spoke, and she had to give him a little smile. It was automatic, just there because she liked seeing him, and part of her felt a bit special because he'd obviously hunted her down. He would have had to, it wasn't like anyone kept proper track of her. She shrugged one shoulder, and glanced away. "I dunno. I guess." she answered, even if she wasn't sounding terribly sure on that score.

He stopped beside her, hands in his pockets to keep some semblance of warmth in them. "I don't know, and I guess usually means not really." Chance tugged his bottom lip between his teeth briefly before nudging her gently with his elbow. "You can talk to me, you know. I might not always have the best advice, or the wisest thing to say, but I listen."

She had to give him that. It was true. And okay, sometimes their talks wound up really spectacularly bad, but not all of them. And she blamed herself for most of the badness anyways. Moving over so he could sit next to her, she brought her feet up onto the bench with her and pulled her hoodie over her knees, to kinda keep more warmth in too. She also tried heating up the air around them, after she pulled out Kurt's lighter to play with, though it didn't do a lot. But it did a little, being they were in a kinda sheltered area. "I don't really know how to feel about all of this bullshit going on." she admitted. "Know what I mean?"

Chance climbed up to sit down next to her, pulling one hand from his pocket to wrap it around her shoulders and pull her in close. Sharing body heat and all that, not that he had all that much to begin with. "Yeah." His eyes shifted away from her face to the vacant tennis courts. It was so fucking dreary out... but it seemed to fit. "The last couple months have been... well, crazy's not the right word for it." Chance glanced at her. "Are you thinking about Chrissy?"

"Yeah." Kaysen said. Then paused. "Mostly." she corrected. "Like...she was eaten or some shit, right? That's what I keep hearing. Like she was eaten. What the fuck is with that? And like, am I a terrible person because I don't feel bad? Seriously? Because I keep waiting to feel bad. I do. But I just...don't. I don't miss her, I still hated her, and I'm not like, looking back on shit going 'oh she wasn't so bad, she didn't deserve to be ripped limb from limb' or whatever happened to her. I'm just...not doing that. And it's bothering me that I'm not. cuz...that's fucked up of me, isn't it?" she asked, looking at him, eyes uncertain.

"No, you're not a terrible person," Chance said. "She was an evil bitch, and she made your life a living hell whenever she could. I think I would be more confused and taken back if you did miss her. I mean, I'm not saying she deserved to die, or die in the way she supposedly did... it's... I don't think you're the only one in school not feeling anything toward her being gone. I don't either. I didn't like her, I didn't like how she treated you, and other people. I mean, I feel bad for her family and shit, but..." He trailed off and exhaled slowly. "I guess I haven't let myself give it that much thought." Chance smiled faintly. "I doubt there'd be an outpouring of mourning if I died, so... to me, it is what it is." Died again anyway - publicly.

Kaysen frowned, and scooted closer to him. "No talk about you dying." she said first, because that bothered the living shit out of her. And yes, fundamentally she understood that for him it was Different and shit, but whatever! Witness her not wanting to even think about it, let alone go there. "You're sure this doesn't mean I'm like...totally fucking awful?" she asked. "I feel that way. And like, other people died too. And there was shit going on, and like, I keep thinking about that too. Like...like things aren't getting better. It's like we get a little break then something else stupid comes our way." she said, knowing that wasn't even a full thought, but she wasn't the most coherent right now.

He nearly pointed out that if he died, it wasn't as if he wouldn't come back but that really wasn't the way he wanted to steer this conversation. Death was a touchy subject for a lot of people. "You're not totally fucking awful," he assured her. "You're just dealing with a lot of shit right now. Everyone is. And like I said, you're not the only one who isn't shedding any tears over Chrissy. I think it's more of a shock that someone like her is actually dead. Someone we knew. Eventually you get over the shock and move on. Shit happens." Chance sighed and rubbed her arm with his hand gently. "I don't think things are ever going to get better here. Nothing's going to be normal again. At this point, I think the only thing you can do is try to survive through it and get the fuck out when you're able to." He paused a beat. "Maybe I should have gone down a more optimistic path than that."

She quirked a faint little smile. "Yeah, optimism would have been cooler to hear." she agreed. But she sighed. "Totally pointless though, cuz seriuosly, it's not going to get better. Not that I see anyways. It's all stupid." she said. "Think that's really as good as it'll all be?" she asked, turning her eyes up on his again. "Just...'surviving'?"

"Sorry." He wanted to be optimistic and tell her things that would make her feel better, but he wasn't sure he could if he didn't believe them himself. He caught her gaze and thought about her question for a few moments. "I don't know... maybe. Maybe it'll be as good as you make it? Some people'll just hang around, try to survive and go through the motions. Some people might fight back, try to make it a safe town again. I mean, as corny as it sounds, when I'm around you, I don't really feel all the bad shit. You make me happy, in spite of all that. Some people'll be content with that and whatever happens happens. I'd like to think things will get better in Marquette, but right now, I'm not sure when or how that'll happen."

That made her smile a bit. That she made him happy. That was a good thing, that made her feel better about herself in general. She couldn't be so bad, if she could do that for someone, right? And especially someone like Chance, who she knew had...well. issues was a word for it. Possibly not one that covered it, but whatever. She didn't hold that against him. She had issues too. Whole buckets full of them. "You just kinda wanna ride it out?" she asked, wanting to know his personal perspective on it all.

"I don't know what else to do," he admitted with a frown. "I think... I could help people? But I'm not quite sure how. It's not like I know when this stuff is going to hit, you know? Every time I hear about someone dying in town from this stuff, I think that maybe if I'd known and been there, I could have like... taken one for the team so they would still be alive. I have all these things I can do and I don't make use of them at all." Releasing a breath, Chance glanced at her again. "What about you?"

"When the vampires were in town, I just kept thinking that I could do something. Like, I could just...I could do something. I could set them on fire, I could burn them up. And maybe not so many people would die, y'know? And so I did, that one night. And Thom helped out and everything, but that really kicked my ass too. So I dunno. Like...I want to help, cuz I think I can, I just...kinda think to myself 'erm, self, this is you, you suck you can't make a difference'. And sometimes I think I can. It's kinda...confusing." she admitted.

"You don't suck. I saw what you did with those vampires... maybe if you keep practicing your stuff, it won't take so much out of you when you do it," Chance suggested. "You've got an ability to protect yourself, and other people. A part of me wants to tell you to just stay inside whenever shit happens... I don't like thinking about you getting hurt, but I also know what you can do. If you want to help and make a difference, then you should."

She was quiet for a few long moments. "I do. I mean, the urge is there. At the very least, to protect the people I care about?" she said, hoping she made sense. "Like you, and Charlie, and my family, and..." Thom. Thom, who she still wasn't really talking to, and she felt bad about that. Thom who she still was pretty hurt over, generally speaking. She looked down, and sighed, before she leaned her head in against his shoulder.

Chance rested his cheek against her hair. He could smell her shampoo, which sort of made him smile. "That makes sense to me. I feel the same way." Only he really only wanted to protect her. He didn't honestly care about anyone else. "I sort of see it as, you were born with this thing... you can use it to protect people, so why wouldn't you? I think it'd be better than sitting around and feeling helpless." Chance placed a kiss against the top of her head. "If you ever need help, or anything... I mean, I know Thom has been around and stuff, or at least he was before..." But Chance wanted to be around to. "Maybe we can do this shit together or something."

"He was before, he isn't so much now." Kaysen said. "'Course, I kinda told him to fuck off and stay fucked." Or some approximation thereof. But she'd told him never to speak to her again before, too, and she hadn't really meant it. Still. She was all kinds of unhappy about that sitch. "Doing it together would be good." she said. "I'd feel better if you were there anyways." she added honestly. Then she was quiet for a long moment. "Can I...I mean...can we talk about something?" she asked, looking at him and she was giving off 'worried' in spades.

Chance nearly suggested she talk to Thom now - especially in wake of Chrissy's death. But he wasn't sure Kaysen wanted to deal with that right now on top of everything else. The two obviously cared about one another - hopefully platonically - so Chance was sure talking was bound to happen eventually. Still, it made him feel good that she wanted him around. He wanted to be a part of the stuff she was going through too. "We can talk about whatever you want to talk about," Chance said with a small nod, though he lifted an eyebrow curiously at the way she was looking at him.

She didn't say anything for a few long moments, because this was going to suck. It was going to be hard, and she didn't want to do it, but she couldn't get it out of her head, either. Biting at her lower lip, she looked away for a minute, then back at him. "We talked about your mom before." she blurted, needing to talk fast because otherwise she was going to totally talk herself out of this. Again. For like the millionth time. "And it kinda seems like we talked about it and fought about it and you said you were gonna think and stuff but it seems like you totally just didn't or forgot about it or something and you're just like pretending we never did talk about it or she didn't like kill a bunch of people and I just...I can't let it go." she finally got to, words tumbling over themselves.

Okay, so maybe he should have prefaced talking about whatever she wanted with... anything but that. Chance tensed briefly before slipping his arm back from her shoulder to scratch at the nape of his neck. He was probably stupid to hope that she would just forget about his mom and let it go. Wishful thinking. "I didn't forget about it," he began carefully. There was a very good possibility this conversation would end badly. "I think about it all the time. Thought about it well before I ever told you what happened. I just... haven't come to any conclusions regarding it. I don't know what to do about it, Kaysen. I'm kind of between a rock and a hard place, with you and then with my mom... I honestly don't know what to do."

Kaysen definitely looked miserable. She looked away again, then back at him. "So you've just been sitting on this?" she asked, sounding like she really hoped that wasn't the case. "Like just...what, waiting for me not to bring it up anymore?" she continued. "I just--she killed people. There are people, and families out there that are all broken and donefor, cuz of her." she said, not that Chance didn't know this. But it seemed important.

"I didn't know how to bring it up. I don't think you get what kind of situation it puts me in. I know what she did. I know there're families out there probably with unanswered questions. I know what it did to me." Chance pushed both hands through his hair, trying not to look too miserable. He couldn't even bring himself to look at her. "I don't know what I can do, okay? She's my mom, she's like, the only family I have. Even if I hate her sometimes. What do you want me to do?"

"I want you to do the right thing." Kaysen said, voice quiet. At least this time she knew what she wanted. Last time they'd talked about this, she'd been so all over the place, and things had gone so fantastically sideways that it had been awful on all sides. This time she was slightly better. She wasn't shouting or anything yet. She wasn't even mad. "If she's in jail, she's still your mom. You'd still be able to go see her. Like...those families don't get to still see whoever she took out. You'd still have her. Just...not walking around like nothing happened." she attempted to say gently. Kaysen and gently didn't really mesh much though, and it came out rougher than she meant it to. But she was very clearly trying.

"Yeah, and I'd be the reason she was there." Chance looked at her, wondering if she realized how that would make him feel. "You know, even if I wanted to do that, I couldn't. It happened when I was little... there's nothing tying her to any of that that I know of. I don't even know the names of the people, or who helped her do it. And she'd find out what I was doing sooner or later. It's not as easy as just trying to toss her in jail and suddenly feeling better that I did the right thing. Either way, I'm miserable. I don't walk around like nothing happened, Kaysen. You're not in my head every second of the day. You don't think the things I think, or see what I see in my mind. I'm not happy with shit." He was trying to keep his tone steady, despite the growing agitation. He didn't want to argue, or yell or fight.

Kaysen shook her head. "No you wouldn't." she said. "you didn't ask her to do this or anything, this was her call. This is all on her, it's not--Chance, you can't claim blame for this, that's...nu-uh." she said, shaking her head again. "And that's what police are for. You told me where it happened. You'd just have to talk to the police there, and...and then they'd investigate." she said. "You wouldn't have to investigate anything yourself." she tried. She was quiet at the last bit. "I didn't say you were." she said, trying to keep her own temper from flaring, because god did she not want to. She'd done that last time, and that had been a disaster. "But...just...thinking about stuff and being miserable about it still doesn't do anything about it. Maybe you'd feel better if it was over."

"I don't think I'd feel any better if my mom was locked up. What do I do then? My dad's dead, I don't have any brothers or sisters, and my mom's hold up in prison because of me. Does that sound like the kind of life you'd want to live?" Chance looked away, a small twitch in his jaw evident before he released another breath. "It's easy for you, because she's not your mom. Because all you see her as is a murderer. It's not that easy for me. I mean, what if I tell you I can't call the cops on her?" he asked, shifting his gaze back to her face. "What then?"

Kaysen was quiet for a long time. Probably upwards of five minutes or more. She was alternating between looking down, and looking at him, though not making eye contact. She didn't like this. In fact, she hated it. With like, every fiber of her being. "I don't know." she finally answered, voice quiet, and she answered that because she knew she couldn't just not answer. "Chance, I..." she started, stopped, then started over. "I think that...I mean it's hard for me to say, because I don't know. I don't really know how to define something like...like y'know. The. The L word." she said haltingly. "But I think I might with you. But I've been thinking about this for a long time, and I can't...I can't live with this." she said honestly, looking back up at him and oh god. She felt like she was going to cry. And hey look, perfect, there were tears welling up. And her voice went all to hell when she cried, so when she tried to make herself finish what she was saying, it was strained, voice all tight and quiet. "I can't just sit back and go on with my life like nothing's happened, like I don't know, and I just...if...if you can't do the right thing, then okay. But I--" she didn't know how to end that sentence. Either that or she just couldn't.

The silence wasn't good - but he didn't want to start rambling just to fill the silence and risk making things worse. He rubbed his palms together anxiously, his eyes focused on the tennis courts again while he waited for her to talk. He almost jumped when her voice broke the silence. It was never a good sign when girls looked like they were about to start crying. Worse when it was Kaysen. He stared at her while she spoke, ignoring the jump of his heart and the flash of warmth inside of his chest when she mentioned, in so many words, that she might love him. But everything past that sort of shriveled whatever it was he felt for those few seconds. There was only nausea left over. "So if I can't call the police on my mom, then... what?" he asked, surprisingly calm in spite of the panic welling up inside of him. He smoothed his sweaty palms over his knees. "You're going to break up with me?"

She shook her head. "No. But you might break up with me." she said. "Cuz if you can't...I might." she said, and was surprised she managed to get the words out of her throat without stuttering. In fact, she was surprised she managed to say it at all. Words weren't ever really good friends with her, and now wasn't any different. But there it was. She didn't want him to break up with her, but...she could see him doing it. She wasn't saying it was his mom or her, but that might be what he saw it as. She felt really sick right then. Because god, she didn't want she and Chance to break up. She didn't by any stretch of the imagination. He was like...her first love. And, truth be told, probably her only love. Cuz it wasn't like she was ever going to find a new boyfriend. Not with her life. Plus she didn't want anyone different, or new, she wanted him.

Oh. That was maybe decidedly worse. He didn't quite know yet. He hadn't really thought she would do that, or would suggest that she would. Frankly, he wasn't sure how to respond to it. Chance stared at her as he tried to digest what Kaysen was actually saying. "You would do that?" If she thought it was the right thing to do, he had a feeling she would, regardless of what he told her. It was something he loved and hated about her in that moment. "Even if I asked you not to?"

"Chance...you'd be asking me to sit on--" she started, but stopped before she got going. It was kinda clear he didn't get it. And really, he'd already proved that he didn't, because he was too close to the situation. Like he said she'd never do it again. Or something like that. She didn't think that he understood just how fucking terrifying it was for her. Just...knowing his mom had killed people. And there wasn't any saying she wouldn't do it again, because hey. Once the lines are crossed? Why not do it again? His mom had killed people to keep her boy around, regardless of what Chance wanted, who was to say she wouldn't just take a side trip to murder town if things weren't going his way? Who was to say she hadn't aleady at some point, and they just didn't know? She could understand him not wanting to think like that. Not wanting to believe that she would do anything like that but the fact of the matter was--did he even really know what she was capable of? She'd killed people. That...was kinda it in Kaysen land. She was a murderer. A couple times over, if she understood things right. "I'm sorry." she said, cutting through any explanations she might have had for them. She'd just trip over them anyways, and at the end of the day, what it boiled down to was the whole 'right thing to do' thing. So everything else she could say she just thought would keep them fighting, and she didn't want to do that. She didn't want to fight with him at all. "I think it's the right thing to do. I've...I've thought a lot about it." And while he said that she couldn't be in his head, didn't know what he was going through--because he'd just never talked to her about it, he had no idea what she went through either. And it was There. And as much as she'd tried to ignore it, it wasn't going away. Which, after she thought it, she thought maybe she should share. "I've tried to let it go. Honest, I've...I've wanted you to figure things out or something, but I just...I can't pretend it's not there, and I'm terrified of her anyways, and I just...I can't not do anything. Not knowing what I know." she said, voice barely audible. She reached up to wipe at her tearing eyes, too.

Chance didn't know what to say. He couldn't think of the right words to persuade her to not do anything. He wasn't sure she would listen to him anyway, and chances were, he'd just make everything worse that way. He knew what his mom had done. Knew it was wrong. How many times had they screamed at one another over it? He knew there was something not quite right about her since his dad died, but he could pinpoint exactly what it was. What would she say if she knew Chance's girlfriend was looking to send her to jail? He didn't know what she would do. Maybe she'd just disappear... but he didn't think she would do that without wanting to take Chance with her. He realized he'd been silent far longer than he should have, so Chance struggled to find something to say. "I don't know what to say." Fantastic. He sighed and rubbed his palm against his eye, feeling the agitation bubbling up inside of him at a rapid pace. "I can't... I don't... fuck!" He would have kicked at something if there'd be something there to kick out. Instead he tried to rein in the outburst and keep from completely flipping out. "I can't do what you want me to do," he explained angrily, though his anger wasn't directed at her. It was directed at himself for being such a fucking coward. "I can't. I can't stop you from doing what you think you need to do either but... christ, Kaysen."

Kayen didn't really expect him to have answers there. It wasn't like she thought this was going to be easy at all--she knew it wouldn't be. So she gave him however long he was going to take, thinking things over, not wanting to rush him even if it kinda felt like she was going to throw up. Like she literally felt sick, like her insides were churning around and liquifiying. Or maybe that was just her being dramatic, she didn't know, but it felt like that. She sniffled, and rubbed at her eyes more, wishing she had answers too. She flinched visibly when he shouted, and shrank back a little, though it wasn't necessarily that she was afraid he'd hit her or anything, which was a distant sort of observation. "I--I've kinda...I want you to do it but I've been th-thinking about it a lot and k-kinda realized you might not be able to." she said. Because she had come to that conclusion. It was something she could live with, him not being able to follow through there. She just knew if he couldn't, she couldn't let it sit. "I'm sorry." she said, because she didn't know what else to say.

Well, she was right in that aspect of it all. He couldn't do it. Even though he knew it should be done, he couldn't. And he didn't know how he felt about her doing it. Betrayed? Scared? Grateful? There was a mixture of emotions inside of him, all bundled together in one big nauseating ball of confusion. He stood from the bench, since he was feeling restless now, and didn't think he could sit still for much longer. Shoving his hands back into his jacket pockets, he tried to look at her, but found it difficult. It was easier when he was looking anywhere else but her. "You know how twisted that's gonna be, don't you? My girlfriend calling the cops on my mom? Whatever the outcome, it's going to throw my life into upheaval. Everyone's gonna start talking... speculating. Things won't be the same. You know that, right?"

Kaysen was quiet for a moment, but eventually nodded. Then answered verbally, because while she couldn't keep her eyes off of him, she knew he wasn't looking at her. "I know." she said, barely audibly. She'd thought a ton about it. She definitely did know. Like she knew maybe nothing would happen. That she'd get investigated, and they might find fuck all. And she'd just be let go, because of that. But at least she'd not just be...let go. At least something would be done about it, even if it didn't work out the way it should.

There was more silence as Chance struggled to keep his thoughts straight. A part of him was angry, and upset that she would do what she wanted to do, knowing what it would do to Chance. A part of him knew it was the right thing to do, and he was too much of a coward to do it. He didn't have any family but for his mom, and he had already lost his dad. Everything was just jumbled and... fuckall. Chance inhaled deeply, forcing himself to keep his emotions at bay. Suddenly he rounded on her and bent down to cup her face and kiss her. There was a sense of desperation coursing through him and he kissed her like he might not ever be able to do it again.

Kaysen was kind of expecting...a way different reaction. Like...way different. Like him walking off and saying he never wanted to talk to her again type of stuff. Not being kissed. Not being kissed like she was. And, no matter what was going on, that fire elemental inside sparked right up and responded to him. She'd already been having a bit of trouble quashing those tendencies, albeit the ones drifting far more towards anger. But it rose up fast enough for this. She kissed him back, throwing her all into it. Because part of her was aware it might actually be the last time. She wanted it to count. Her last kiss. Possibly ever. In her entire life, because...this was her. It wasn't like she was ever going to find another boyfriend. Not ever. Chance was...the whole world on that score.

If Chance has his way, he'd just take Kaysen, get his car, and drive with her... far away from this place. It'd be fine. They could get out of Marquette, away from the bullshit, and his mom and everyone else. He knew they'd never get away with it. Well, he would. Kaysen wouldn't. She actually had family, and was, you know, alive and human. Not that Chance wasn't, but their situations were decidedly different. He kissed her as long as he possibly could before he had to pull away for oxygen, and his eyes opened to look at her face. Corny as it may seem, he wanted to memorize it. The way her lips were red and swollen, and how her cheeks were flushed. He didn't think she really realized what she meant to him. Some last thread to his sanity, barely hanging on. He was only there because of her. She was the only reason he didn't want to die sometimes. Chance sighed and kissed her forehead before releasing her. He opened his mouth to say something, but he didn't know what to say. Nothing he could say sounded remotely good to him. So he just didn't say anything.

She kept her eyes up on him and then when he looked like he was going to say something, but didn't, she just threw her arms around his neck and set to clinging for a minute. She wanted to know if this was the end, and it was all over and everything, or if this meant they were staying together even though things were going to get bad. She wanted to know if she still had him, or if she didn't anymore. She wanted things spelled out for her, because right now, everything was so messy in her head that she had no idea which way was up anymore, even.

He wanted to be able to spell things out for her, but he was stuck somewhere in the middle of it all and he didn't know which path to go down. He didn't want to break up. He didn't think he could handle it if they did. He knew things could get really, really bad if they did. But at the same time, Chance didn't know if he could deal with Kaysen being the one to possibly get his mom arrested. His entire life would be flipped upside down, and it would be her fault. Chance hugged her tightly back, miserable in every fiber of his being. "I don't want this to be the end," Chance managed, feeling like a pussy for his voice being as hoarse as it was. But what else was he suppose to do or say?

"I don't either!" Kaysen said immediately, her own voice terribly unsteady. "I don't want us to break up I don't want things to be over I just...I just can't do this the same way like it has been and I have to do this and I understand if you hate me or whatever and I get it why you can't and I just I'm sorry, and please don't leave me." she rambled, bursting into tears as she clinged to him.

How was he suppose to try and think straight when she did shit like that? It made him want to cry, but he didn't, even though he felt his eyes burning from forcing it back. "I don't hate you," Chance told her, burying his face in her hair. "Never could hate you, Kay." He swallowed hard and squeezed his eyes shut. "I don't... I don't know if I can... it's like I have to pick between you and her. How am I suppose to do that?"

"Don't pick. I never asked you to pick." Kaysen insisted, holding onto his shirt, gripped in her fists like she was trying to stop him from getting away. Vaguely, she understood the bell had already rung to go back in, but fuck that. Fuck school. Fuck everything right now.

"I know you didn't," Chance said, pain and confusion evident in his eyes. "I know. But that's what it is. I can't like, remove myself from the situation and ignore it while you do whatever it is you're going to do. And I also can't be with you, knowing how you feel about the entire situation. I can't be two people at once. Try to put yourself in my shoes, Kaysen. I mean, maybe you can't, but just try. It's be with you and lose my mom, or stick by my mom and lose you. What the fuck am I suppose to do with that?"

"I don't know." she said. And she didn't want to lose Chance, she didn't want to at all, but she had tried to let this go, really she had, it had been weeks, and she just...couldn't. It wasn't going away, and she couldn't keep it up anymore. And that was it. She didn't want it to be a choice between the two of them, but she got that it was. "I'm sorry." she said for the millionth time, even if it felt so stupid. So helpless, so totally ineffectual. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry." And to her it sounded like he was choosing his mom. Which again--she got that just didn't make it suck less.

He wanted to cry. Like a fucking baby. Which meant he probably was one. But he wasn't going to do that, not in front of Kaysen. He felt like he would much rather beat on something, or punch the wall until he broke all of his fingers. Physical pain would feel really good right about now. It would block out everything else. Fact of the matter was, he couldn't live without her. He couldn't. She was the only reason he hadn't tried to find some way out of this whole immortal thing. He couldn't tell her that though. She was having a hard enough time as it was. Chance cupped her face and kissed her again, though it was softer this time, and didn't last as long before he pulled away. "You're everything to me," he told her before releasing her and shoving his hands in his pockets again. If he kept touching her, he would probably cling and never let go and yeah, that went right along with being a 'fucking baby'. "If I don't have you... I don't know what..." He would do. Licking his lips, Chance glanced back at the building over his shoulder. Pained, he shifted his eyes back to her face. "I'm sorry."

She listened, and she'd kissed him back, and now she just...didn't know what that meant. He was sorry that he was breaking up with her? He was sorry about his mom? He was sorry that everything sucked? Right now she felt stupid, like she just...should be able to understand what he meant there, and she just wasn't smart enough to do that. "What are you sorry for?" she asked, voice cracking a little.

"Everything," Chance said, forcing the words past his lips. "I didn't mean to put you in this kind of position. I'm sorry that I am what I am, and that I was made the way I was made. And I'm sorry that I can't do the right thing when I know I should. I guess that makes me a coward or something, I don't know." He clenched his hands tightly in his pockets. "I'm just... I'm sorry for everything I did before. And anything I do... whatever happens later. I'm sorry." He released a breath and looked at her. "You know I love you, right?"

She nodded. "I know." she said. Because that had actually kind of sank in slowly in the time since he'd first told her. "Are we...I...are we still together?" she asked. Because god she did, she needed it completely spelled out. She would even accept an answer of not knowing right now, because she got how he might not. She just didn't know. She didn't want this to be happening at all. Wiping at her eyes more, she waited, breath held.

He didn't want to answer that question because he didn't know how to answer it. What could he say? "I don't know," Chance said finally, settling on the safest answer he could think of. "I know I don't think I could live without you, as fucking cheesy as that sounds. But I also don't know if I could be with you like everything is normal while the cops are investigating my mom, Kaysen... if that's what ends up happening. I mean, could you still be with me? If nothing comes of it? Knowing what you know?"

She didn't know. So that's what she said. "I don't know." she answered him, looking down. "I--" she didn't know what else to say. God, this sucked. Even if she'd just a moment ago thought that she'd take 'i don't know' for an answer. Now it didn't seem like such a good one. Though it was better than turning her away right then...still. She looked down.

Swallowing hard, Chance nodded, looking down as she did. He scuffed the toe of his sneaker against the ground briefly. It was getting harder to stand there and not touch her. "I think I'm gonna go," Chance said after a couple quiet moments. "Maybe... it's just better we take a break and... see how things go." He didn't want to take a break. He didn't want any of this to happen. He wanted to back in time and not tell her what his mom had done and live happily oblivious to the bullshit.

A break. A break sounded suspiciously like seperation. Seperation was breaking up. Tears welled up in her eyes again, and she felt like she couldn't breathe. Like her chest had locked up entirely, like there were spikes lining the inside of her ribcage. She understood, she just--she couldn't say anything. It was really hard to speak when you couldn't breathe. So she nodded, instead. Nodded, and kept her eyes on the ground, because she didn't know what she'd do if she looked up.

Chance's own chest felt painfully tight at that moment. He watched her, wanting her to say no or try and convince him it wasn't a good idea, and that they could stay together and just... get through it. Or something. But he didn't know if they could, and he realized she probably didn't know either. It took him a minute to realize he wasn't breathing, and Chance parted his lips to suck in some oxygen to ease his burning lungs. How did they go from agreeing to do things together to breaking up? Not breaking up. A break. That didn't have to be the same thing. Did it? Fuck. Chance stepped back and hesitated briefly before turning to head back toward the school. He had a feeling he'd be making a brief stop by his locker before going home, since there was no way he'd be able to sit through the rest of school without destroying something.

Kaysen was one step ahead of him on that score. She watched him go. She watched him walk away, and when he got to the doors, and inside, disappearing, she flicked Kurt's lighter to life again. She flicked the flame, and drew it out, raced it down her arm to land on the bench. And then she flared it up. She flared it up so high that the wind that came through didn't put it out. She raced it across the bench the full way, and licked the flames up towards the little wooden ceiling, pushing the flames across that too. She shoved the lighter into her pocket, and just stood there for a few moments, in the middle of what was essentially a small, burning building. Then she turned, and walked away, before anyone caught on to what had happened. She didn't know where she was going, she just...walked away, leaving the thing to burn in her wake.