communication issues
who: oz and sophie
where: their car
when: afternoon
The mapquest directions and gps agreed--the trip was going to be around two hours, with a little more tacked on for good measure. Two hours and fifteen minutes, nonstop, more for breaks, and more for if the hospital was kind of out there, which Oz was under the impression it was. Exhaling and sitting back in his seat, he angled the heat vent at himself better, and tried to prepare himself for a long ass drive. He wished he was driving. At least then he'd feel less restless. Less like a caged damn animal. But no, he couldn't, so...he sat. And brooded on things.
Sophie had been quiet as they'd headed out of town. She didn't mind the drive - it was worth it to be able to check this place out. Her feelings on the trip hadn't got any better since she'd found out that the location was going to be a mental hospital. really, really not. There was all sorts of potential for badness to go down somewhere like that. What the hell was the school thinking anyhow? She'd spent the morning prepping the car with everything they could possibly need, and the drive out of town had been about running through provisions in her head to make sure that she hadn't forgotten anything, but now they were out on the road with nothing but a long drive ahead of them, her mind was turning to her conversation with Lullaby. And Oz's behaviour of late. She glanced over at her husband, then back out at the road. "How was your run yesterday?" she asked him.
Long, cold, and it didn't really help. he thought, but didn't say. "Fine." he answered instead, eyes on the snow out the window. Though he had his bad eye shut--it was bright outside, and it didn't help his head to get too much exposure there. He didn't want to land himself with a migraine before they even got to the place. That just wouldn't help anyone out.
Getting a monosyllabic answer really didn't help, and Sophie left it for a moment or two before replying. "Where did you go?" she asked, curiously, more to carry on the attempt at conversation than for any other reason.
He had an utterly irrational little pissy pang in there. Out. Where the fuck do you think I went, Peru? But he didn't say it. He bit it back, knowing how spectacularly uncalled for and unfair that was. "Just out by the lake." he answered instead, then put a little more effort into his answer to make up for the momentary ire he hadn't even shown. "Along the shore, it's easier to run there, the snow's really deep further inland."
"Oh, right," she replied, hunting around for something else to say, to keep things going. At least she'd got a longer answer that time. That was positive, right? "...Did Lullaby tell you that she's found another set of hearing aids?" Sophie asked him.
"I noticed them. Hers shouldn't be coming in too much longer from now. I'm glad she found something in the meantime, though. I think she was kind of...well. I'm sure it wasn't nice for her." Oz offered, truthful there. He felt bad about it. Like he felt bad he hadn't been able to get her anything faster, but companies wanted more than he could properly give them so he had to kind of finagle things in the first place. "When they do come in, I'm told they should be better than the ones she lost. I hope they are."
Sophie nodded. "Good. And yeah, I don't think she's exactly enjoyed the experience," she added, before falling silent again. She wasn't sure what to say, and it was that kind of a moment where it was just tempting to be done with it and turn on the radio, let someone else fill up the quiet. But she didn't, she just left it hanging, trying to decide what to say next.
Oz let the silence stretch out. He also was feeling like it should be filled but he didn't want to do it himself. He didn't want to even start. If he did, he couldn't promise that he wouldn't just keep going, and that would be bad. That wouldn't help anyone out and he was busy repressing. In the end, he did reach out to flip the radio on, starting to scan through the stations, even if generally speaking, he didn't like radio mainstream music.
Sophie let him play with the radio, going along with whatever he wanted to listen to. She wasn't going to start debating over music choice, something that unimportant. "So, erm - you been up to anything else recently?" she asked, in the end, hating the question, but he'd been going for more and more 'runs' of late.
Are you fishing? "Not really. Just kind of...y'know." He shrugged one shoulder. "You?" God this was uncomfortable, and he was aware it shouldn't be. This was his wife for fucks sake, they shouldn't have to struggle to even get a smalltalk conversation going. And he knew he wasn't helping much with it, and he really wished he could. Maybe he'd just...get over it or something.
I've been home: you've been the one who's always leaving. "No, not really. Just really been looking into Newberry. That took up most of yesterday. Even with Lullaby helping," she told him. her mind was drifting more and more onto the things that she'd talked about with the girl.
Making a confirming but really sort of half non-committal sound, Oz nodded. "Anything interesting on the place?" he asked. "The town, or the hospital itself?" Since she could have just been looking up the town, though he was guessing she meant the hospital they were headed to.
"Not that I've been able to find. The hospital hasn't even been closed down for that long," Sophie told him. "So at least they're not sending them to a ruin or anything." Not that she sounded exactly enthused by that knowledge. It didn't really make things better, in her opinion. "You know, I... I almost wish I'd been able to find something. I mean, if there'd been something, I might have been able to get them to call the whole thing off." That would have made her feel better.
"I don't know, they're already sending them to an abandoned mental asylum, how much more could you find that would actually make a difference?" Oz asked. "I'm guessing they're picking the place because it'll be a natural draw, and in this weather, not a structurally unsound place. Should have heat and water, all the accomodations necessary." He just still didn't like it. And he hated the fact that there wasn't a choice in the matter. That bothered him beyond the telling.
"Something that would suggest they're sending them into the plot of a horror movie?" Sophie suggested, actually serious about that. "But there's nothing. I mean, sure, there were some deaths there, but nothing over and above the ordinary. Nothing that was enough to get published. Of all the places I've ever looked at, this is possibly the most... normal." Which, she knew, was probably why it had been chosen. It really seemed like whoever had picked locations had actually been sensible. Actually done their research and had the best interests of the kids at heart.
"I think we're just going to have to deal with it." Oz said with a heavy exhale. "Regardless, Dean's got to do it, so he can stay in school, and it won't be long. And if anything happens, we can get there in short order, and Thia can get there in...what, seconds?" he suggested, still not exactly clear how that worked, but he knew it was fast. Like instantaneous fast, but yeah. He wasn't positive how it worked, really.
"She can - she said she would, if she was needed. That all he needed to do was text her and she'd be there straight away. I don't know if that helps at all," Sophie said, looking over at her husband, meaning that she didn't know if it would help his mindset on things at all. She knew this was going to be hard on him - he never took separation well.
Not answering verbally, Oz shrugged one shoulder. It made him feel slightly better, but not a whole lot. It was good to know Dean would have backup of some description, but he was protective of the girl as well, and she had a nasty tendency to die when things got hairy. Dean didn't take that so well so he really didn't want to think about a situation where things were going wrong, Thia went to aid him and she died, and he had to deal with that on top of everything else, all alone. Sure, he'd have classmates, but that wasn't the point. Not in Oz' mind.
Sophie looked back at the road. "No, it didn't make me feel all that much better either," she told him. "I was thinking... Maybe we should find a motel or something nearby. We could check in for a couple of days - that way, well... We wouldn't be there, but we'd be nearer," she suggested. That was her fallback position in this. If she couldn't find a way of stopping the trip, well, being nearer - it wouldn't make her feel that much better about things, but it might help her husband if he were in running distance.
Oz considered for a moment. "Yeah, that would be good." he said after thinking about it. It wouldn't be perfect, no, but it'd be something. He could handle that. "...would we be leaving Thia home?" he asked, after thinking more about it. "Or with Billy and Maddie? Or would she come with us?" Oz wasn't sure what he would prefer in that situation, really.
"I think that would depend on Billy and Maddie really," Sophie said. After all, they had only been married at the weekend - they might not want house guests. "I don't think it would make a difference - if something's going to happen, it doesn't matter where she is if she decides to be there." She paused for a moment, slowing down a little. "J - tell me I'm being paranoid," he asked of him.
"Well, it makes a difference to me where she is, I don't really want her left alone." Oz said. Then she asked about the paranoia thing, and he glanced over--something he had to work at since she was on his left. He had to turn further, to actually get a visual of her. "In regards to what?" he asked, really hoping playing dumb here would be the end of it.
"She won't be alone - she'll either be with us, or she'll be with Billy and Maddie. We're not going to be leaving her alone," Sophie told him, feeling like that had been a dig at her for something she hadn't even meant. "And I mean in regards to all of this."
"I'm sure it'll be fine, and we're both just overreacting." Oz told her, which wasn't the same as telling her she was being paranoid, but was close. It was about as good as he could give her at the moment, because he didn't really want to get into trying to lie. He'd never been any good at it. So, he just gave her as good as he could, without getting too much into anything. Hopefully, it would be enough.
Sophie nodded, accepting that. "It's hard not to," he said, after a moment or two. "There are some moments when I try and tell myself to let it go - that I'm just being like a clingy parent, but then I start thinking about all the things that could go wrong and... I couldn't live with myself if something happened and I could have done something to stop it," she admitted to him.
"Well, we're doing everything in our power to be sure things go smoothly, even if we can't stop it entirely." Oz told her. Which was partially said aloud for himself as well, a comforting sort of thing. Or it was meant to be. It seemed a little hollow to him, but then, he knew that was partly due to his mood, and not really the reality of everything around him. Oz was a man ruled by the heart, and that meant things like this happened.
"...Have you talked to Dean about things?" she asked him, wondering about that. She wondered if Dean even knew that they were worried - she'd hardly seen him since yesterday. He'd come in late, gone straight to his room, and had been out early to school again today. She didn't know where he'd been, but she trusted him to be okay - generally, he got a lot of leeway to come and go as he pleased. It was just when he was taken away that she got worried. Around town, well - he knew the dangers, and he could handle himself. He was sensible about most things, he'd shown that. And being married to a werewolf, well, you didn't develop instincts to keep people locked up, that was for sure.
"No, he was kind of in and out again before I got a chance to." Oz admitted. Which he wasn't entirely certain he was happy about, but he figured he'd catch the kid before he took off entirely. "I'll talk to him tonight. Come up with general gameplans for just in case, he can know where we'll be staying, how to reach us, all that. Just kind of go over things so he knows what to do if anything goes wrong or he feels unsafe." he said, thinking it sounded reasonable. Really he just found it a bandaid, something to make himself feel better over being forced into this.
"Wonder if he'd think we're being overbearing," she said, musingly. "Though I know he doesn't want to go - he was sending texts yesterday from class, asking me to get him out of it. Said he'd learn better from Maddie if there was anything he needed to know. Which I completely agree with. I can't believe that they've made this whole thing compulsory," she exclaimed, coming full circle round to her feelings about it all of the previous day.
Oz nodded, agreeing with her, listening, but not commenting. He knew. He felt the same way. He still thought it was bullshit, and that the school board was going to be coming under a hell of a lot of fire when they could do, but in the meantime, this was just..happening and they had to deal with it, apparently. He was also pissed that it apparently also couldn't be any parental staff, it had to be teachers that were chaperoning.
"I can understand them wanting to make sure that kids know what's out there. I can really understand that. I just really don't think this is the way to go about that. Can't they see all the potential pitfalls in this and... We should get a choice about this," Sophie said, sounding tired about it. She'd spent a whole lot of time arguing the matter with various people in authority yesterday and getting nowhere.
"I agree with you." Oz told her, not for the first time. "I also don't like what this says potentially about our political climate. What it means after this, if this is something they can just do." It gave him too uneasy thoughts to even really go there. Like what happened if they found out about other things. What if they found out properly about psychics. What if they found out about him. Were rights going away?
"I know you do," Sophie told him, grateful for the support, and that they both were of the same mind on this one. "And, I know - I just... It's so heavy-handed. Just wake up one morning and there it is. This is what's happening, and it's happening now. What happens if they find out about other things? This just... It's like they're throwing them in there to sink or swim. And I know spirits aren't vampires, and they're not demons or anything, but... They're not always completely harmless either. And you can't fight spirits, you can't kill them. Not like that anyhow. They're already dead and... Anything could happen."
"I know." Oz said again, sighing and shifting down in his seat again. "Dean's got that mark on him now too. That...whatever Thia and Maddie cooked up for him. The one I want all of us to get at some point." He'd only kind of half-talked it over with Sophie, he'd mostly spoke about it to Maddie after learning about it from Dean in the first place. "That'll help him too." Even if it wouldn't help anyone else. "Maybe Maddie can come up with something else for him to take, just for the time being."
We can't protect him against everything. "Maybe," Sophie agreed. It didn't make her feel a whole lot better. Nothing could make her feel better about this, she knew, other than Dean simply not going. She had no trust in the school to be able to keep him safe. She had no trust in the school not to be involved with screwing him up somehow. Flat out, she just didn't trust in this.
Silence descended again, and Oz went back to gazing out the window. He didn't have anything to add. Either thing would go well or they wouldn't. Either the precautions they took would help or they wouldn't. And they wouldn't know until it happened, and it couldn't be avoided in any manner, so....they could talk about it all day, and still make no progress because there was no progress to make.
Sophie let the silence drift. There was nothing else really to say, just going round and round in circles about something they were both in agreement about. The radio played on in the background as she concentrated on the road ahead. It was a while before she spoke again, and even when she did, she wasn't sure she really should. "J? What's... Is there something... What's been up? Lately? Not this, just... generally. You've seemed..." she didn't know what descriptor to put in there, so she just left the sentence hanging.
There it is. He'd been waiting for it. Dreading it. He didn't want to be asked. And Sophie had taken up a policy of kind of...just not. So, he was more than happy to go with that. Only of course now she wanted to bring it up. "I'm fine." he told her, not terribly convincingly. Yeah, that not being a good liar thing was back to haunt him.
Sophie looked across at him, knowing he was lying, and she felt a pang of deep hurt, which she tried to keep off her face as she looked quickly back to the road. "..Kay," she said, not pushing him, swallowing everything back since that was the habit she'd got into - a very hard habit to break.
And it was just as simple as that, these days, he guessed. Something was the matter, and if he didn't cough it up immediately, she gave up. She didn't try to stop him at all from taking his long runs, or doing anything else. Just...fine, and off he went, and she went about her business. He didn't say anything, keeping his eyes on the side of the road as the snowbanks slid past, even if he wasn't really seeing them or concentrating on them whatsoever.
The radio-filled quiet stretched out again for long minutes, before Sophie made a decision and turned the damn thing off before speaking again. "No - you're not okay," she said, determinedly. "You've been acting really... I feel like you've not been talking to me. And you've been leaving all the time and... What's going on, J?" she asked him, already bracing herself for an answer she wasn't going to like.
He was a little surprised when she shut the radio off. He looked over again, though didn't turn the full amount so he could see her face, just so he could see her hands on the wheel. "I don't really want to get into it." he told her, not denying that he hadn't been talking to her. Because that was true, and he would have felt wrong trying to tell her different on something she'd blatantly called him on. That just wouldn't be right.
Sophie swallowed and had to actively work against just dropping it again. Except - he'd near enough admitted it, hadn't he? It was more than a lie - it was a tacit admission, and somehow that made it less ignorable. "Why not?" she asked him, dancing around actually flat out demanding that he did.
"Because, Sophie, it's not going to change anything. So, just...drop it. I'll get over it eventually." Oz said, sounding tired, and his voice was tighter, sharper than he wanted it to be. He couldn't help it, though. It just was him being on edge, for a lot of different reasons. And yes, some of them were still what his actual issues were, and had nothing to do with Dean, and what was going on with him. He'd been happy to focus on that for a while, because it needed the focus, but at the moment...now? They were in a car, doing what they could to make it safer. But that required a two hour and then some drive. That let his thoughts drift back again, right where he didn't want them.
"Does it matter if it'll change anything? J - you don't talk to me about things. You just... shut me out." I'm meant to be your wife, she thought in addition, but didn't say that part. She really didn't think that kind of a comment would go down well.
Oz didn't speak right away at that, giving the question a little thought, even if it had in fact, occurred to him before. "And you let me go." he said eventually. "Look--it's not going to change anything, so there's really nothing for it. All it'll do is make us fight, and we've been not doing that for a while now, why do you want to start now?" he asked. Especially when they were in a moving vehicle where he couldn't actually give himself space when he felt the overwhelming need for it.
"Because we don't talk anymore," Sophie told him, knowing that she did, in fact, let him go. "Something comes up, you leave, I don't stop you - we don't fight but... You've spent so much time out of the house lately. It's not like it makes things better. We're not fighting, but... it's not like we're happy," she admitted, finally, hating to actually have to come out and say that.
It felt really fucking awful that he couldn't argue with her on that. That he couldn't say no, they were happy, they were just going through a rough patch or something. Maybe they were. And he'd get over his shit eventually and maybe the they'd be happy. But it seemed like he was always doing that. Getting over his shit. Compromising. He didn't know if she did the same thing. Constantly found herself in a state of compromise. He wondered if other people were like this. If this was just how it was. He recognized that he needed to say something he just...had nothing. He didn't know what to say in any capacity.
It was hard to keep driving. Especially in these conditions. But, even though they were miles from home, her feeling was that if she pulled over, he'd just get out of the car - he'd leave again. So, she slowed down, but she didn't stop. His silence hurt. His silence was like an agreement. She'd hoped it was just her - that it was all in her head. That she'd been reading everything wrong and really there was nothing to worry about. That he was happy and she was just... wrong. But he wasn't. "...Talk to me?" she asked, her voice smaller.
He let out a sigh, that had a frustrated undercurrent to it, even if there wasn't any vocalization in there. He stared out the window, and rubbed the bridge of his nose. "I don't know what you want me to say, Sophie." he said eventually. "Can't you just let it lie? You've been doing that for a while now, why do you want to rock the boat now?" he asked, though it was kind of a rhetorical question. He didn't necessarily believe there was some large factor that had prompted it.
"Do you prefer it this way?" Sophie asked him, wondering about that. She hadn't been happy when they'd bee fighting all the time, but this? This wasn't that much better either - it was just a different type of misery.
No. was the short answer. But it was more complicated than that. It wasn't just them anymore. They had to think about the kids. "Do you?" he countered, not really wanting to try an explain everything. Again, it felt to him like an argument that he couldn't really explain properly. Couldn't bring to light in a way that would make sense. Or could be at all tended to.
"No, not really. No," she told him, answering him honestly because he'd asked her. "Not that I enjoyed fighting - I hated fighting with you, but... This isn't any better, J. I don't think so anyway," she added, since he hadn't actually given any kind of an opinion on the state of affairs.
It wasn't. He knew that. He, even if he wanted to avoid fighting, was well aware of the fact that this was slowly eating at him in a way he hadn't anticipated. But it was there, gnawing beneath the surface. It just worked more slowly than when they fought, and there wasn't the benefit of make up sex. So, yeah. He had to side with her on that, he just didn't want to say it, because they couldn't really go back to fighting all the time either. "I don't want to fight in front of the kids." he said distantly, after a few long minutes.
"Neither do I," Sophie agreed, immediately, because she didn't - god, did she ever not want to. "But... They know something's not right. Even if we're not fighting. Lullaby... Lullaby offered to move in with Billy and Maddie while Dean was away, to give us time by ourselves," she admitted, aware of the fact that 'where's Lullaby going to go' had come up already today, but she stood by her answer to that one, despite everything.
That got his attention more than anything and he sat up, turning fully towards his wife. "What?" he asked. "She--fuck." he said, not actually needing it repeated. Fuck fuck fuck. And if Lullaby said something to Sophie, that meant Dean knew as well, which he did anyways, and hey, maybe that was where it started because he'd opened his big mouth and fuck. God fucking damnit.
"The kids aren't stupid, J," Sophie said, trying to keep her voice even, though she didn't like it when he swore. "Especially not Lullaby when it comes to people not being happy. She can see it, you know." Which, okay, Sophie had forgotten until she'd been reminded.
Oz winced at that. It had slipped his mind too. "....you know I forgot about that." he mumbled under his breath. "Shit." That made things harder. It was like he knew he could cheat. He was a werewolf, he got cues from people that they didn't even know they were giving off, but he wasn't used to someone being able to do it back. "I know they're not stupid. I just thought...maybe they had their own lives to be wrapped up in."
"Yeah, I'd forgotten about it too until I went to speak to her after you'd gone out yesterday." Which, lookit - she was almost admitting she'd been unhappy with that. But she was fairly sure that he must already know that. She knew he'd not been happy, after all.
"Did she point it out?" Oz asked. Then he paused a second, and spoke without actually thinking. "Are we talking right now because Thia put you up to it?" he asked, blinking over at her again. And was it because Dean had caught him in a vulnerable moment? That kid told the girl everything, didn't he. Why was he even remotely surprised?
"She didn't 'put me up to it'," Sophie said, a little more harshly than she'd intended, but the way he'd put that, she couldn't help it. She took a moment to steady herself before going on. "But it made me realise that things can't go on like this. If they're noticing, then what's the use? We're not arguing, because we don't want to argue in front of them. But if we're not talking as a result - and they're picking up on that. It's just not working."
He didn't know if that really cleared the idea that they were talking because the little deaf fade had had a hand in things. But whatever, he guessed it was a moot point. "I don't know what else to do." Oz told her. "Like I said, I just--this doesn't feel like it has an answer. So, I just have to deal. I'll get over it eventually. Give me time." he said, not sure that would actually fly, either in the way that she'd do that, or in the way that it would work.
"And, if I give you time, what do we do in the meantime?" she asked him. She wasn't going to flat out reject a request like that. After all, she knew what it was like to need time, to need space. But, she didn't know where it left things in the meantime. She didn't even know what it was really that he needed time over.
"I don't know." Oz said honestly, because he didn't. Clearly, he wasn't doing a good enough job hiding things. Maybe he needed to spend more time out of the house. Just...goneish. Around but not. Would that work, even? He wasn't sure. He didn't necessarily think so, all things considered.
"I just... I've been trying to do what you want, lately," Sophie told him. "But things don't seem to be getting any better." Instead, they seemed to be gtting worse. Nothing seemed to be working.
That confused him, and he looked over for a moment. "Do what I want?" he asked. "I...have you even asked what I want? I'm...yeah, I'm missing something." he admitted, which at least brought him a little out of the darker depths of his mind for the moment. Confusion did that sometimes.
"I've stopped arguing with you, J," Sophie told him. "I've stopped... I've just being trying to go with what you've said. And letting you go when you need space. I thought if we didn't argue, then you'd be happier. And I'd be happier that you were happier," she tried to explain. He deserved to be happy, it just really seemed like she wasn't the person who could make him happy.
He found something missing in that statement, and it bothered him on a huge scale. Enough that he moved past everything else she said and brought it up immediately. "What about you? What makes you happy? It can't just be me being happy, or that...that that's it for you. Where are you in this?" he asked, not liking the thought of her discounting herself at all. That was just...no. That was bad. That was wrong.
Sophie shrugged and slowed down a little more as they hit some more icy conditions. "I thought I'd be happy when you were happy. You deserve to be happy," she told him, keeping her eyes determinedly on the road. She didn't want to look at him right now.
"That doesn't make any sense." Oz said. "You have to have desires or...that...make this make sense to me, Sophie, because this is sounding really hollow, here. You thought you'd be happier when I was happy. Just that? I don't know. That sounds...I don't know. And just--" he stopped, realizing he was going in circles, and he dragged his fingers through his hair, looking at her again.
"No - I thought I'd be happy when you were happy," she corrected. "Except, you're not, so it doesn't matter, does it? I didn't know what else to do. I thought we'd cleared the air when we were in Vegas, but nothing really seems to have changed. We seemed to do okay for a while, but, I don't know. I don't know what to do anymore."
They had been okay for a while. He knew that. He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "I don't..." he stopped, trying to figure out how to say things. "I guess I'm just...upset about things. And they're things I can't change. And just sort of...facts. Like you know what? It bothers me that no one was at our wedding. That my best friend wasn't there. That the kids weren't there, that it was just us, standing alone." he said. "And it's still bothering me that legal issues had to happen for it to even occur. And I really, really hate that the other day, when you were so upset, it was because of the fucking school activity thing. That was at the core of things. And you know what that says? You still view what happened, you still look at it, and see it as the most horrible fucking thing that ever happened to you. So all of this? Might as well just be dealing with damage."
"I could have died," Sophie told him, after a very long pause, her voice quiet rather than the usual way in which she snapped when he said something she didn't like hearing. "Because of that 'fucking school activity thing'. I took an overdose. I ended up in hospital. You ended up nearly killing your best friend. He never did talk to you again after that. So yeah, what happened? Wasn't exactly the best thing that ever happened to me. And I don't want Dean to have to... He's been through enough already, hasn't he? He's been through more now than we had, almost, I think. So yes, I'm afraid for him, for what could happen to him. I don't trust them to look after him and I don't trust them to not fuck him over." She paused, then looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "I'm sorry nobody was at our wedding as well. It wasn't the way I'd pictured marrying you," she admitted to him.
"I could have died too, you remember they were both dead at the end of the play, right?" he asked. "And I know horrible things happened. But I didn't kill him. And I lost a friend, but maybe I needed to. And you pulled through. And what came out of it was us, and I just...I just...you never look at it, do you. Like your fucking twitch with magic, that you can't seem to get over, it's because of the spell. The spell that you just can't live with. Because if you could..." He didn't comment on the last bit, because it was such a sore spot he didn't even know if he wanted to go there.
"I don't mean the play, J - I mean if my mum hadn't broken down the bathroom door in time. I mean if she hadn't got me to the hospital to have my stomach pumped. I mean I actually, could have died! Not some theory because of how the play could have gone. I remember taking all those pills - I remember taking them one by one. I had them all laid out in a damn row and I took each of them, thinking of you. I did it for you! I wanted to die," she told him, her voice cracking. But she wouldn't cry - she refused to cry. He hated it when she cried, so she wasn't going to and anyway, she had to keep driving. "This isn't about us. It's not about the us that came out of it, it's not about the us today. Yes, I have a twitch with magic - yes, I still have issues about that spell. But they're not issues with you. They're issues about what it made me do. What it made me want to do. I fought her - before the spell was broken. I fought my mum, I didn't want her to save me. I wanted to die that much. That's why I hate magic. Because I would have walked into death with a smile on my face."
"Sophie, stop the car." Oz said, an immediate, knee-jerk reaction that he couldn't stop if he wanted to. It was all she'd said--which was news to him, all of it. And it was that crack in her voice. This happened with them, he knew it happened, and it always sort of vaguely caught him by surprise. But with all she said, he couldn't possibly deal right now if he couldn't just pull her over and hold her for just a minute. They'd get going again soon enough but--some things were more important. This right now rated.
"No," she said, looking ahead and pushing down on the accelerator pedal a little more. She figured that he wanted to get out. She'd told him all of that and his reaction? He wanted to leave. He wanted to go - the only reason he was still here was because he couldn't get out. He'd asked her to drop it, she hadn't - and now he wanted to leave.
"Sunshine...baby, stop the car." Oz said again, reaching over, drifting his fingertips just along the backside of her neck, beneath her hair. His tone was light. Gentle. There was definitely a firmness beneath it, like he really wasn't kidding about this whole car stopping nonsense, but that wasn't the main part of the statement. It wasn't his focus. She was. And it would probably take the apocalypse hitting right then to distract him again once he focused in on her like that.
That's not fair, she thought to herself as he touched her. But the move worked and she slowed down and pulled over, stopping the car at the side of the road. She was still primed for him to leave her here, for him to run, and she knew that if he did, she really would cry. She wouldn't be able to stop either. Not if he pulled that move just to leave her.
He reached over and unclicked her seatbelt, as well as his own, and started to urge her over towards him. "C'mere." he said quietly. "Please." he added on the end, because she'd just refused to stop the car in the first place, so he might meet resistance. He just wanted to get around it if there was any, and didn't feel like waiting to see first.
She didn't need the encouragement. The moment that she realised that he'd got her to stop to comfort her, rather than to leave her, she went to him. She'd needed to go to him anyway. She always did when she was upset - except that, lately, when she was upset, what he'd seemed to need was to not be around her. She was glad he hadn't left right now, and her eyes slid closed as he leaned against him, feeling the calming ability of his touch.
He held her, arms going around her tightly and he buried his face in against her hair, drawing in her scent. He didn't say anything yet, even if he was aware he needed to say things. He just...was taking a few minutes to be there with her first. Then he'd talk. Then he'd probably apologize, and let her know that he didn't know any of that. She'd never told him. But until she was calmer, until it felt less like she might break on him, he was only there to make her feel better.
She relaxed against him, but yet still held him tighter than maybe she would have done. Every moment he stayed, she feared that he'd leave less, but still there was that part of her that wondered if he'd go once she'd calmed down. Once he was certain that she was 'all right', at least on a surface level.
Reaching up he drifted his fingers through her hair, and he nuzzled a little at her temple. "I'm sorry." he told her, voice quiet, just for her. "I didn't mean to upset you so much." Which was true, even if it didn't quite make sense. "You never told me all of that before." he added, still doing all the little things to keep her there, and calm, safe and warm.
She liked it when he did that, it always made her want to crawl up onto his lap and curl up there. Only usually they were in a rather more private place when he did it, and today they were parked on the side of the road. So, she stayed where she was. "It's not nice, talking about then. And you always get upset, we both do, when it's mentioned. There's so many issues all wrapped up there. You don't have to be sorry. You never have to be sorry, about anything. I didn't tell you, I haven't told you. But - it's not all about us."
"I'm sorry I get upset, and yes, I do have to be sorry about things." Oz told her, tone gentle. "And maybe I need to know, I don't know. I just...When you said all of that I realize that there's probably a lot I don't know. That we haven't talked about at all. Maybe we should. Even if it's upsetting." He could deal with upsetting if it had a better outcome than this. "Tell me what else it's about." he encouraged.
Sophie took a few more moments before she spoke. "It never seemed to bother you - being someone else," she started, though her tone held no accusation, it was just a statement of how she saw it. "You always seemed to take just everything in your stride. Your only problem was me - because I didn't. I was a mess. It always seemed like, if it wasn't for me and the problems I gave you, then what happened wouldn't have phased you at all. And I just couldn't see it that way.
"For me, it seemed like everything just... imploded, I guess. I didn't know anything about anything, I'd just moved to a new country, I'd just started making new friends. I was just settling into a new school and finding my feet - and all of a sudden, I was someone else. And it felt so real. And it was. I was her and I wanted what she wanted. And, looking back, in retrospect, I knew how it would end, but at the time, I didn't - it was just my life. You were my world, that was all that mattered.
"And then it was over. And I was in hospital. And you were a werewolf, and magic was real, and I'd been under a spell for weeks. And all this stuff, that I hadn't even known existed was suddenly all surrounding me. And I had to deal with it all at once. And I had to do that while trying to convince my mum that I didn't need to go into therapy. Or that i didn't need to be watched 24-7. And I wasn't going to try it again. And that you weren't a bad influence.
"And, yes - whilst you were following me round demanding to know what I was going to do. And hating me every time I told you I needed space to think. And I know, J - I know I dealt with you really, really badly. God, do I know that. And I will never be able to make that up to you - I know that as well. But you're the only good thing to come out of that. And I know that you're the good thing that came out of it despite it. That spell didn't make us get together. That spell, and the bonding we went through because of it - that's not the reason I love you. I had to figure that out - and I did. So, I don't think about us in relation to that spell. It's everything else it represents. It's that loss of control. It's that fact that I did all those things, wanted to do all those things, and it wasn't me. It's the fact I wasn't in control of my life - and it nearly, actually, killed me."
Oz listened, trying to take it all in. And there was a whole tone to take in, really, so he wanted to be sure he didn't miss anything. He was quiet for a long time after she finished, still lightly playing with her hair as he considered. "I'm a werewolf." he started with. Which he knew she knew, but it played into something that she'd first said, that he thought was a perspective that neither of them had really looked at before. "I grew up, my whole life, with this other part of me. This other entity. The wolf. It was there, under the surface, in my shadow, beside me the entire time. When he had control, he had total control. I most of the time never even remembered a thing that happened. It happened once a month, if I was lucky. More than that if I wasn't. It was this other consciousness that wanted to tear apart everything around me. Go through my loved ones. Taste blood. Hunt. Kill. And that was all." he said, and it was clear from his tone that it was hard for him to say it all. His speech was halting, but clear. "Romeo...that was nothing. He was nothing. Not in comparison to that. Falling into that persona, even if I didn't have control, even if I knew where things were going to end too...that--with the comparison, Sunshine, it just couldn't possibly hold a candle to the wolf. And I never really thought about it, not really, but when you said it like that, like I wasn't phased...that's why. It's because I had something inside me that I couldn't control, that would just come in and take me over, and it was far worse than any character from a play could be."
He was silent again for another few moments. "It wasn't that I wasn't thrown, I just...dealing with a life like mine, you deal or you break. And I had to deal with being a werewolf for years. As a little kid, a kindergartener, we're talking five years old here, I had to be aware. I had things on my mind that no other kid my age would even comprehend. So with everything that happened...for me, it was just one more thing I had to deal with, and I chose to do that. I looked at it all, and...I might have killed Danny but I didn't. We both might have died but we didn't. And the spell or no, the wolf or no, there was you. And I loved you. And the rest of the world could have crashed down, but I knew that. I could hold onto that. Things happen. Control is an illusion at best, it's not anything that anyone truly has in this world. We just have to do our best with what we've got. I tried. I didn't know how else to do it. And I know for you...it was.." he tripped on the word, because it was still a deep wound. "...wrong." he landed on. "I know fundamentally that I should have been able to give you what you were asking for. I just...wasn't able to. I wanted to help you with it all, deal with it, I wanted to be there, because if we were together, I thought it would work out, it would be okay. Hell, you even tamed the beast. I just...you looked at it and you see all the horror of it all. What happened to you, the loss of control, all of it. For me, I just...saw something that happened that needed to be dealt with and moved forward from. Like becoming a werewolf. I couldn't get stuck on it, if I did...it was going to taint everything. I...I don't know if I'm making sense here." he said honestly. "Am I?"
"No - you're making sense," Sophie told him, having listened to what he had to say. "That's part of what I meant - you've lived with this your entire life. And yes, you had experience of what that kind of thing is like. I didn't. I'd never experienced anything like that - I didn't even know anything like that was possible and it scared me, right to the bones. Enough that I couldn't think. You deal, or you break - and I broke. At least, it felt like it at the time. I couldn't deal with it. I didn't know how. You said that for me it was wrong - for me, suddenly, the whole world was wrong. I didn't even know where to start. And I know now, looking back, that you would have helped me deal. I can see that from here. But then, in the middle of things, all I could see was that you were wrapped up in that whole mess that I couldn't deal with. And so I did the only thing I could think of - I pushed it all away and ran. And it wasn't the right thing to do. I know that now. I'm sorry."
Pressing another little kiss to her temple, Oz considered that for a long moment. "...have you dealt with things?" he asked finally. "Just...we're sitting here, and we're talking about it, and you said you broke, and I think you did. And you ran...and you still have all these issues. And you say you can look back and see what you did wrong, but that's not actually dealing with it. So...have you? It's feeling like you haven't. Maybe that's...maybe that's something we need to do, to work on, or..." he trailed off, to see what she'd say there.
"I dealt with some of it," Sophie said, sure that she had. "I mean - the obvious things. The 'the world is a place full of more things than you can imagine' parts. Really, by the time I left, that was pretty obvious. Well, to me it was - mum and dad still manage to deny absolutely everything. Gran was better. I spent a lot of time with her. She helped. I wish you could have met her - you would have liked her." She paused for a moment and smiled a little, taking hold of his hand and giving it a little squeeze. "She liked you."
That kind of threw him, and he frowned a little. "She did?" he asked. He was pretty much under the impression that all of Sophie's family -- save for Dean's parents -- hated him. Like, seriously hated him, enough that they'd disowned their daughter because she'd gone back to him levels of hate. Whole worlds of it. So yeah, that was kind of confusing. "I...how?" he asked. Since he was also under the impression she'd spent a good fucking lot of time cursing his name.
Sophie looked at him and quirked a smile. "I might have talked about you - a lot," she told him.
He still looked a bit confused. "...'that stupid werewolf can't leave me the fuck alone I hope I never see him again' translates to like?" he asked. Yep. He was missing something here. Possibly a lot.
Sophie blinked and leaned back. "Er, well... No," she told him, wondering if that was still what he thought about things. "I... That wasn't really... More like me telling her all about you, and about us. And about what happened. And about what I'd done translated into her helping me realise that I'd made a mistake. Huge mistake."
He kept his eyes on her, feeling like this was massively alien territory. And he realized something. He didn't even know what she might have said. He'd always assumed it was really really bad, especially with the ignored letters, and his knowledge that her parents hated him with every fiber of their being. "...what did you even say?" he asked. "And why...I...what did she say?"
"I told her what happened," Sophie told him. "I... found out that gran knew some stuff about what the world was really like and - I told her everything. And, well, she didn't say much, really. Gran was like that sometimes - she'd just give you this look that suggested that you were really missing something that should be obvious. And then we talked it through again, with me telling and her kind of... Putting in perspective every now and then."
"What kind of perspective?" Oz asked, wishing he could have been privy to the conversations. Perspective with Sophie was a difficult thing to do a lot of the time. But then again, Sophie wasn't a big sharer so sometimes Oz felt like just about everything was a shot in the dark.
"I was afraid of a lot of things at the time," Sophie said, wanting to put background into that instead of simply answering the question. "About what happened, about what it meant. When it came to us, I was afraid that maybe what was between us had just been because of the bond. She helped me see that it wasn't. She didn't change how I felt, or anything - I knew how I felt. She just helped me see that that was me, and not anything else. She helped me realise that the spell was gone - and that I was actually my own person."
He could understand her being afraid of things. That he definitely understood. He remembered it well enough. "What did you tell her about me?" he asked. He still had a hard time believing she'd had anything good to say. He couldn't think of anything. Things had been...well. 'Bad' was the understatement of the year. 'Bad' might be a gross miscalculation, even. In the back of his mind, he realized that he didn't think she'd loved him. Not really. Or known him, or...anything. That was kind of a harsh realization to come to and it threw him some more. It had always been there in the back of his mind, but he was looking at it close up for the first time in a long time.
"Well, she already knew some things about you - I'd always talked to her a lot, especially once we moved to Colorado. So, she knew some things about you from before. And, I don't know - I just told her about you. I'd tell her when I got a letter from you. And usually she'd try and get me to read them - I didn't, at first. So we'd talk about why I didn't want to read them, and why you acted the way you did. And, eventually, she sat with me whilst I read your letters. And she never, ever told me I was a silly little girl - though I'm sure she wanted to a few times," Sophie said, with a little laugh.
He winced faintly, hoping she didn't read that last one with her grandmother. And he wondered if that had changed the woman's mind about him. "What did you tell her about me? I mean...what did you say? What about me? I...thought you were pretty against me in general, so..." he sounded like he felt, pretty damn confused. He was wondering what she might have dredged up that were good qualities to share. That wasn't 'he's a stalker, overbearing, a monster and won't leave me alone'.
"J - I was never against you. All I wanted was for you to give me breathing room, time to think and get my head straight. My feelings for you never changed - I love you. I've loved you for a long time, I loved you then. I just didn't know what that meant at the time. And I didn't know quite how much you being a werewolf was playing into the way you were acting. I could figure out some of it, but not all of it. Not the extent, and the instincts and everything," Sophie told him, trying to be gentle about it.
She hadn't needed to be gentle, he understood that. He was a guy ruled by instincts, after all, he'd never made any secret of it. It was why he behaved oddly a lot of the times, he just...couldn't switch it off and couldn't act against it. Half the time he didn't even know when he was doing it, so yes, he could quite understand her doubting things in that capacity. He nodded, encouraging her to continue. "I get that." he said verbally, so she'd know he did.
"So, she encouraged me to talk about you - the good and the bad. And, well - it wasn't like it was a one off. I spent a lot of time there, with her. It took months before I was ready to read those letters." She paused and smiled sadly. "And then it took her a little while longer to calm me down after I'd read that last one..." And that was really an understatement. After everything, reading his final letter had been heartbreaking, though she knew she'd deserved it. She'd deserved it a whole lot sooner than that.
He glanced away, then back again. "How did you react?" he asked. "I...guess I don't know these things. How long did it take her? Did she--did she stop liking me after that?" he asked. Why this woman who was now dead's approval was important to him he didn't know. Maybe because he'd never thought anyone over there would approve of him so he wanted to hold onto the one little part that possibly had.
"I was upset," Sophie said, knowing the term 'cried for days' would probably cover it rather better, but that sounded melodramatic to her and she was never that. "Really upset. But no, she didn't stop liking you after that. J - how long it had been, and with you writing and not hearing back. It was hardly surprising that you had that reaction. Really, you should have had it a lot sooner, with how unfair I was to you. But, it was gran's suggestion that I try and contact you anyway. I didn't think you'd want anything to do with me, after that - but she talked me into trying. And it was then that I'd found out that you'd left where you'd been when you wrote last. I gave up then - I think gran wanted me to keep looking, but neither of us had any ideas of where to start anyway. But, she always said that if I could, I should go back. That's - that's why she left me money when she died. So I could come back."
That had him sitting there quietly for a few long moments. "She left you money to come back to me. I thought it had been for college." he said. Which made a difference, really. Huh. That...huh. He didn't even quite know how to react there. "It had been a year." he said, tone distant. He knew how long it had been. 'A long time' didn't cover it, really. A year did, though. That put a finer point on things, it wasn't an arbitrary perspective thing. It had felt like longer, to him. He'd send a letter and wait, and wait, and get nothing. That whole time period had felt like one long wait, until he couldn't anymore.
"It was for college - college here. You don't have to pay for university in England. Not that kind of money, anyhow," Sophie told him.
"Oh." he said, still letting that sink in properly. "I wish I would have got to meet her. I didn't know anyone there didn't...y'know. Hate me." he said. "I'd thought you did. I'd thought you just...left, and forgot about me. That it was easy for you, or...something. I don't know." he admitted. He still didn't quite know what things had been like for her. But he hadn't known she'd talked about him.
"I wish you'd got to meet her as well. She was a great woman - stronger than I'll ever be. I - I never did get to find out exactly how she knew what she knew. Mostly, we talked about my issues. Or Dean was there and she didn't want to talk in front of him. She never hated you. And neither did I." She didn't ask whether he thought she had done - she would have been surprised if he hadn't thought that. She'd treated him so badly, she could understand if he never forgave her.
"By the time things got there, to the last letter, I had to leave. I just went out on my own. My parents didn't necessarily like it, but they understood it, they knew they couldn't stop me. They did their own thing. I don't know. Things were a mess. What happened with you? I guess I don't actually know, besides you were home, apparently you talked to your grandma about me, then gave up finding me."
"I... Went home with my parents, they put me back in school and I went through the motions. Went to school, took exams - all the things I was expected to do. At first, I needed that framework. Mum and dad basically chose my subjects for me. They suggested things and I just went along with that. I didn't really care what I was doing. When I left school, I ended up going to university nearby - I had gran's money, but there didn't seem much point. I didn't know where you were and just picking a random college seemed, well, pointless. And mum and dad were putting me under a lot of pressure to stay nearby. Since everything happened - they became really over-protective. They didn't like me spending too much time on my own. They didn't want me to leave at all. Mum especially never seemed to stop believing that I'd try again, the moment her back was turned. But then again, it wasn't like I was ever really happy or anything either, so I guess I can't blame her for her reaction there," Sophie told him.
He winced again. "Didn't you ever tell them what happened there? Why you...because that wasn't you, Sunshine." he said gently, which she knew, but he thought it was important that everyone else knew too. Because really, that was just...it changed things. He was sure that definitely played into how they viewed him, and why they'd disowned her. Though he had to admit, if people thought their daughter was suicidal, disowning her wasn't the best way to go about things.
"No - I never told them. I tried, a few times, but - they seem to have a special kind of blank spot when it comes to the supernatural. And once it became clear that telling them the truth would just support the theory that I was crazy and needed counselling and therapy? I sort of backed off from that and left it well alone. Concentrated on getting them to believe that I was stable," Sophie said, resigned to the way her parents were.
Frowning, Oz sighed, sitting back, but he tugged her with him. "That's awful." he said. "I'm sorry you had to go through that. I mean...I lucked out, parents-wise that way. Mine were...well, you know." His parents were stupidly supportive. In fact, once they'd discovered they had a werewolf for a son, they'd gone gun ho on it. They were subject authorities in the states now, traveling all over the place helping out lycanthropes everywhere. Real cause oriented, the Osbournes.
Sophie broke into a wide smile at that. "Your parents are wonderful," she agreed, without hesitation. "You did, in fact, luck out." She didn't know how things would have been different if she'd had parents as accepting as his were.
He smiled at her, liking seeing her smile. "They always loved you." he said. "Mom would always ask if I'd heard from you and she'd always say just to wait it out. She always wanted you to come back." He reached out to touch her ring. Sophie's ring had been his mother's. Technically, his grandmother's, it had been meant to go to his bride, and he'd nicked it to give to her. His mother hadn't been upset about it, though, even if he'd only been fifteen at the time and it had been a demonic wedding ceremony. She'd been more upset she hadn't been at the ceremony, really.
Sophie looked down, dropping her gaze. "Yeah, I know they did," she agreed, quietly, feeling bad about that. It was like everything else - she felt guilty. They'd always been great to her, and that was how she'd repaid them.
"Well, they'll be happy when they get back to being in communication." Oz said. "Though we might get chewed out for her missing the ceremony again." he added, giving a faint half smile. Then he thought again about what Dean had said. Like a second ceremony. Just the party, something that meant something purely on a emotional level, even if they already had the signed paperwork.
"Yeah - I don't think that your mum will be too thrilled to have missed our wedding twice now. She seemed pretty upset last time," Sophie recalled - which she hadn't talked much about at the time. At the time, it had just been another thing she couldn't deal with. On top of everything else, she'd had this woman cooing and going on about how wonderful it all was but how disappointed she was not to have been there and asking for details and everything that Sophie just couldn't cope with at all.
"She was. She never quite lets me forget it either." he said with a sigh. He was quiet then, thoughts back on things, and he didn't know if he could share them or not. Then, at the end, he decided they were talking, he might as well. "I'd thought about us having a separate ceremony. Just for...us, the family...all that. I just...I guess I didn't mention it before because I didn't think it would matter to you." he said, then braced himself in case she had a bad reaction to that.
Sophie nodded a little, her eyes still down. She felt another stab of hurt when she said that he thought that it wouldn't matter to her, but she swallowed it down. She probably deserved that. "I think it's a great idea," she told him, her voice still quiet as she held his hand in hers.
He watched her, shifting his hand to brush his fingers back and forth against hers. "Do you?" he prompted, not pointedly. Just, if she did, he wanted to know why. What, if anything, it did mean to her. She hadn't refuted what he'd said exactly, but there was the possibility there, so he wanted to give her the opportunity to go into that. If she would, that was.
There was still that doubt there. She wondered if there would ever be a time when there wasn't - when he'd ever really trust her. If she'd ever actually finally deserve that. She raised her eyes to his. "Yes, I do," she told him. "I said that it wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind - how I imagined marrying you. Course, I'm never going to actually get what I wanted, so... But a party would be nice."
"What had you wanted?" he asked. Because he didn't actually know. He'd been shot down so many times, he hadn't really thought that she'd honestly put thought to it. Then he decided, in the interest of them putting things out there, that maybe she ought to know why he wondered. "I asked you so many times, an you always shot me down. I thought you never thought about it. Never pictured it, because you never really wanted it. And then everything happened where it was a necessity, and..." he trailed off there.
"I did picture it, course I did. I just - we had so many issues when I came back, things we needed to sort out. I wanted us to deal with those before anything else. It wasn't that I didn't want it, I just - I didn't want to rush anything. And I definitely didn't want to have to go hairing off to Las Vegas to have some quick ceremony to stop me being deported! What I wanted? In a perfect world, I wanted the whole white wedding thing. Back in Manchester, with both of our families. Everyone together and happy - make a real fuss of everything. I think I even told you that once, that that's what I wanted." But she'd told him at a time when she was saying that they couldn't get married there and then, so possibly he hadn't heard.
He didn't know if she had or not. It sounded a little familiar, but at the same time, he wasn't sure. Instead, he nodded. "...well, we know that we can't have it in Manchester...Maddie can't go meaning Billy can't go, and I don't know. Do you think your parents'll ever forgive me? If they even spoke to me at all?" he asked. It wasn't something he required, but it was something that occasionally did bother him.
"I know we can't have it in Manchester. And.. I don't know - my mother basically told me that if I walked out the door, I shouldn't come back." That had been when she'd returned home for a week, to apply for a visa and to transfer to NMU. There had been some serious family arguments that week, and things had got steadily worse until the ultimatum had been given the night before her flight was due. Given by her mother, supported by her father. "And talking to Aunty Vicky, mum and dad still stand by that." Sophie hadn't actually talked to her parents since then.
He nodded then kissed her cheek softly. "I'm sorry. About your family, and all that. If I can ever do anything...just say." he said truthfully. And he didn't know if he had said that before but it warranted saying now. He didn't have much hope that there was anything, but he had to at the very least make the offer.
She leaned into the kiss a little. "Thank you. I don't know if it'll ever get better - they were pretty mad. They kind of blame you for everything that happened, and when I tried to convince them that it wasn't your fault and you weren't the terrible person they'd decided that you were, they just took that of evidence that I was, y'know, kind of a willing participant in an abusive relationship, or something."
Oz winced again. "God." he breathed. That was horrifying. He really hated the very idea that someone would think he was abusive. No, just no no and no. There was a lot of no there. He'd never hurt her. Ever. The very concept was sickening to him. He held her a little tighter. "I never want to hurt you." he said, feeling the need to say it, even if he knew she knew that.
She didn't say anything at first. Putting her arms further around him, she held him close, muzzling her face into his neck more. She stayed there for a moment or two, before finally speaking. "I know you'd never hurt me." There was no 'want' in there - he'd never hurt her. He just wouldn't.
"I love you." he told her. "I'll always love you. No matter what happens." He was glad they'd talked. They probably needed to do it more often. He knew he bailed when they needed to. Which led him to thinking about why he did that. "We need to do this more. Talk, I mean." he told her quietly.
"Have I been wrong?" she asked him, pulling back a little and looking at him. "In letting you go - I thought that's what you wanted. I know I didn't ask but... Should I not? I don't really know what I should do sometimes," she admitted.
"I don't know. I...I leave because I just--" he stopped and started over, hoping for coherency this time. Coherency would be nice, especially since he wasn't always the best at expressing himself in any kind of a productive manner. "You told me then, you told me when you got back. I couldn't stop chasing you. And that...it drove you away. It was my fault. And maybe you don't think I listen, but I do, and I just...started doing the opposite. It was hard. It's...well, wildly fucking unnatural for me. But I had to work at it, because I didn't want to drive you off again. I don't know how to go back on that." he admitted.
She knew she'd tried to talk to him about things before, but she could understand why it hadn't got through - she had to. "J - that was before. And - you know now. You might not have known before, but I hope you do now. Before, it wasn't just about us. There was other stuff going on. I needed space then - I don't need it so much now. I know I hurt you before. And I can never make that up to you. I don't want you to have to do things that you don't want to do. I don't want you to - I've done enough to you already, haven't I? You're not going to drive me off, I'm not going anywhere. But... You know, I don't deserve you, J. I really don't. After everything, I know that."
"Don't say that, Sunshine, okay?" Oz said, reaching up to tuck her hair back behind her ears so he could see her eyes. "Don't say that. That's not true. It's not like I'm a saint, or ever have been." he said, meaning that. "And I know, fundamentally, I know you're here, and you're not leaving, and all of that, but I just--it's there. Under the surface, it's there, and I wouldn't want you to want to leave, and just not. So I taught myself not to chase you and I don't know. I don't really know how to fix that now. I'm not sure if I can, it was--it was difficult." To say the least. It went against everything in him, every little stalker tendency the inner wolf had and there were quite a lot of them.
"Why not? I treated you really badly, I know that. I was selfish and all about me and what I wanted and needed. And look - you did it, didn't you? You changed how you act, for me. I just think, most days, well - it's your turn now. I don't want to cause you any more pain, but I just don't know - some days I think I can't make you happy. Some days, I worry that you're only still here because that wolf side of you means you can't leave," she admitted. not adding in there that that was only bolstered by the fact that the bond meant neither of them was any good at being without the other. They were tied together, no matter what and they both knew it.
He winced. He couldn't help it, the idea that she thought that he was only around because of the whole being Mated thing didn't exactly sit well. "Do you think that I don't love you?" he asked, voice quiet, and Oz had never been any good at hiding his emotions, particularly when it came to her, so the fact that that stung was clear in his voice. "And what do you mean it's my turn? I don't--" he didn't know if he was missing something because he wasn't understanding, or he was just far too thrown by the idea that she really considered the idea that he was just around because the wolf wouldn't let him leave.
Sophie shook her head. "No - that's not... exactly what I meant. I said that sometimes I worry. Sometimes I wonder if, if it wasn't for the things that made you stay. The wolf, the bond - whether loving me would be enough. Whether you'd actually stay with someone like me - someone who doesn't seem to be able to make you happy. And - your turn in that I've spent far too long putting myself first. I've been trying to stop doing that. You deserve better than someone who does that."
He knew he'd never leave her. No matter how bad things got, he'd find a way to repress, or deal, or something, because he'd given life without her a shot (even if it had been wholly involuntary) and he wasn't going to try it again. In fact, when she'd first showed up, even if all the issues were directly on the surface, all right there, like open fucking wounds on the both of them, the sort of light kinda-girlfriend he'd had at the time got forgotten. Just Sophie's presence had had him forgetting about her, dropping her. Granted, they'd not had the deepest connection in the world to start with, since he'd never gotten the hang of committing to anyone but the girl he'd considered his wife since he was fifteen, but still. It had been telling. So he knew that really, he wasn't leaving. He didn't know what that was. The wolf. The spell. Just him, knowing that he didn't do well without her. And even unhappy with her was better than despondent and lost without her, always feeling empty and unwhole. Fragmented at best. "Do I make you happy?" he asked her. Now that she was saying she'd stopped putting herself first, he had to wonder if she'd stopped considering herself at all. Was that the case?
"I was miserable without you," she told him. She knew she wasn't happy at the moment, but neither of them were. She wanted to be happy, and at times she was, but there were so many issues right now that seemed to get in the way of that. She knew that answer wasn't enough though. "You do - at times. But I can't be happy when you're not happy. And you're not happy, J, I know that. I just wish I could make you happy."
"You were?" he asked. "You know I was." What with his wandering streak. He'd only stopped in one place for a while because he'd caught up with Billy again, pretty much at random. So, he'd stuck around, and worked with the local pack to help get himself control...which had eventually brought her back into his life because it kinda sorta almost just a little bit brought him nearish death.
"Yes, I was," Sophie said, surprised that he'd had to ask that. But then again, maybe she shouldn't be. After all, he'd had a girlfriend - kind of - when she'd come back into his life. He wasn't wearing his ring any more. He'd managed to move on. She hadn't managed any of that.
He noted the surprise, and was thinking that there was a lot they'd never really talked about. Proably because of all of their issues, and how they both reacted to their issues. Neither one of them dealt what anyone would term as 'well'. In fact, an outside observer might even accuse them both of being spectacularly bad at it. Neither of them was very good with communication, either, for various reasons, and when dealing with each other, it was possible it got even worse. "I always just thought you...went home, got your life back together. Went to school, did...whatever. Then I interrupted that." he said. And obviously, he knew she'd talked to her grandmother now, but he was explaining what his impression had been.
"No," Sophie told him, biting back a comment pointing out that she'd dropped everything to move over here to be with him as soon as she'd found where he was. The bond had pulled her to him when he'd been hurt enough to activate it, and aside from going home to sort out a student visa and collect her things, she'd not left since. Whatever life she'd made for herself without him had been abandoned in the blink of an eye and without even a moment of regret.
When he spoke, his tone was soft. "I did, though. I interrupted your life. Whatever it was you were doing. You said you never looked for me. And you came because you had to." He knew that. It hadn't been desire. In fact, he remembered when he'd first woken up, she'd done pretty much all she could do to get herself out of the room half the time. Not that that had worked out particularly well. He hadn't wanted to let her leave. Again. It all played back into his chasing her, and he remembered when she snapped at him, when she'd told him it was because of that. That things were his fault. He remembered that really really well. That was an echo in the back of his mind. It was that echo that had him actively fighting against that instinct, so he didn't lose her again.
"I wouldn't have even known where to start looking for you," Sophie pointed out. "It's a big country. I was sixteen. You were gone. And yes - I came because I had to. But I didn't have to stay J. I stayed because I wanted to." She'd thought he'd known that, that he could have pieced that together, even if they'd never actually really talked about it. There was so much they'd never really talked about - but that wasn't surprising, considering how bad they both were at communication.
We had the dreams. You could have pulled me in, you could have asked me. You could have tried. he thought, but he didn't say because he couldn't say that without it sounding like an accusation, and he didn't want to do that right now. Not in any form, really. The other thing he wondered was if she was sure she didn't stay because she had to. Because of the pull the spell had, especially since when she'd arrived, he'd had another ritual to go through, and she knew that. In the end he neglected to say anything, because those thoughts were swirling around his head.
She bit the inside of her lip as he fell quiet and had a twitch to start driving again. It was there, immediately, that fear that he was going to leave, just open the door and step out into the snow. "I didn't have much of a life, J. I didn't get far in trying." Not as far as you did. It was possible she'd been a little bitter when she'd seen how far he'd got at moving on. She'd never blamed him though, it was her own fault. She'd driven him away.
"What kind of a life did you have?" he asked. "Did you...think about me?" he asked. He wondered if she'd missed him. But then again, he'd had trouble thinking of anything positive that she might have told her grandmother about him so the idea was a bit foreign to him. It didn't fit with how he'd viewed her end of things, what had happened with her.
Sophie didn't want to say what she knew was the truth, because she was fairly sure that it wouldn't go over too well. There was that urge to start driving again, and whilst she didn't, she shifted slightly, so she could if he showed any sign of leaving. "I tried not to think about you," she told him. "It - it hurt too much. It reminded me of everything, and everything I did. Everything I threw away, because I couldn't deal with things. I ruined everything because of that, and I hurt you so much. I always figured that you were better off without me. I wasn't better off without you. And my life? Was mostly going through the motions. I went to school, then on to uni - got good marks. That gave me something to concentrate on. I never really cared what I was studying." It didn't matter what she was studying - concentrating on that just made things a little easier. It pleased her parents and meant that she had an excuse about why she wasn't out having an actual life. It meant that she could spend lots of time alone, in her room. Looking at it, she knew that she'd developed habits there. She used to be a lot more social than she was now. Now she was mostly a loner - she seemed to have lost the ability to really get out there.
He listened, trying to picture it. At her admission that she tried not to think of him, he could actually understand that. He did a lot of that with her, he just knew he wasn't terribly successful with it. And when he did think about her, he spent most of his energy reminding himself she was a bitch who broke his heart. But the fact that it had to be an active thing, it had to be an idea that was continually refreshed in his mind said something. He'd known it then, he knew it now. In the end he nodded, accepting what she said, and adding the idea that she just kind of went to school and went through the motions into his mind. He knew it would be a while before it sank in properly--sometimes things were like that with him. He got it, understood, all that, but it took a little while for it to really alter the way he felt about things or viewed them. "I just always thought things were easy for you. That you were happy. Or at least better off without me. Living the life you wanted to be living, not tied to someone you didn't want to be with."
She relaxed slightly when he didn't leave. that helped. "I can understand why you'd think that," she told him. It hadn't been like that at all, but given what she'd put him through, she could see why he'd get to that place.
"But they weren't?" he asked, wanting it spelled out. Wanting to have firm confirmation, on some level. He did remember three things. One was that she hadn't taken her ring off. The second was she'd been wearing an ID bracelet he'd given her back before things had gone to hell, back before the play had happened at all. It was one detail that had stood out to him, because it meant she'd worn it. Just regularly worn it, because she'd dropped everything to get to him, so it wasn't like she would have had time to dig it out of a box someplace, or try and remember where she'd put it. The third was she hadn't left a relationship. When she'd come to him when he'd been staring death down, she hadn't left behind any guys who were waiting for her to come back.
"No - they weren't," Sophie said, not adding detail to that because she knew she'd start comparing. Comparing how he'd managed to move on and she didn't - and she didn't want to make it sound like she was holding that against him. She refused to do that. That he had - well, that was perfectly understandable. She didn't blame him.
He nodded, grateful for her saying as such. He was quiet for a long few moments. "I think we need to talk more." he said. "Stop avoiding...probably go over things we probably think the other knows. Because I'm thinking we don't. I don't know things you might think I do, and maybe you don't know things I think you do." he said, trying to say it reasonably, even if it was kind of an odd concept in his head.
Sophie herself was still wondering a little about the fact that he hadn't left yet - glad about it, but she'd been waiting for it for a while now. For him to step out for a bit. Then again, they were miles from anywhere, weren't they? "I think that would be a good idea," she agreed.
"Do we want to agree to do that?" he asked. "Maybe...I don't know. Set aside time specifically for it, so we can't dodge?" he suggested, knowing that well...hello, they'd been dodging shit for years, that was probably a danger to this whole talking thing. So if they agreed not to allow that to happen, maybe they'd do better with it.
"I think that would be good," she said to him, nodding slightly. "I... I'd prefer it to be when Dean and Lullaby weren't around, but I'm sure that they'd give us space if we needed it. And if we're finding somewhere to stay for the next few days, there's always that - but then again, I don't know how distracted you're going to be about Dean, so I don't know if that would be a good idea or not," she added, not wanting to assume, recalling his earlier comment about her assuming to know how he felt about things.
He frowned slightly, though not at the implication that he'd be distracted, mostly at the reality of that. He knew he'd be distracted. "I can try then but if my head's not in it, just...say so, okay?" he told her, wanting her to have that freedom. She knew him well, he knew himself well. "I'd prefer to do it alone as well, maybe we can go for drives or something, or the kids can head to Billy's, or the other house for a while. I'm sure they'd like alone time now and then too." And if they were together at least, it would be easier to take.
"Okay," Sophie agreed, though she still wasn't sure it was a good idea, if he was already on edge. It was whatever he wanted though, and if he wanted to try then she'd try - and if he wanted her to call it stop if he wasn't engaging, then she could do that as well. The moment he started pacing.
He gave her a light little smile, then brushed his thumb against her cheek. That, before he kissed her, a light kiss, but he didn't want to push anything in their current circumstances. Even if his instincts told him that this was the part where they stopped talking, and started doing other things. If they'd ever been good at anything, it was that. Making up for fighting with the physical. But...they were in a car on the side of the road and they still had a long drive ahead of them. Still, it was difficult for him to draw back, and that was something that wasn't necessarily covered terribly well.
It was no easier for her to draw back, because she knew where this went as well, but, well, she wasn't much for that kind of thing, even if the road was deserted, so when he pulled back, she turned back to a driving position. "We should probably get going if we're going to get back at any reasonable time tonight," she pointed out. And she knew they'd want to be doing that. She knew she had some things she wanted to go over with Dean, to make sure he was properly prepared, and she thought that Oz probably did as well.
He nodded. "Right." he said, smirking a little at himself, at the both of them. "Road trip, stupid asylum, taking care of the kid. Check." he said, sounding amused, just that tiny little bit. They'd gotten pretty damn sidetracked in the middle there. Kind of typical, really. but they lead strange lives. As he'd often remarked to his best friend--their lives just never stopped getting weirder.
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