Dehydrating phonecall

Who: Caleb and Rose
When: Afternoon
Where: phone-land to start with

Rose still felt like Caleb should be the one contacting her to apologize but he still hadn't and she didn't like things the way they were. She'd picked up her phone a few times already to send him a text message but never knew what to write. A part of her was also afraid that he'd come over and nothing would be resolved. He'd just say mean things again and make her cry again and she really didn't feel like she could go on like that. Still. It was Caleb and the longer she left it, the worse she felt - like he was slipping away somehow.

Finally she picked up the phone and sent him a message, trying not to put too much thought into it because then she'd just get stuck again, over-analyze it and put the phone away without sending it.

Thank you for sending Leija here last night. Are you still mad?

Caleb dug his phone out of his pocket and had to admit he was surprised to hear from Rose. No matter what Leija said, or anything, he still sort of expected the girl to just never speak to him again. So he read over the message, and wondered if Rose's view of the world was just a wholly different place than everyone else's. Or if he just came off that badly. Probably both. In the end, he didn't reply back right away, trying to figure out what the hell to even say. What he wound up sending he wasn't necessarily satisfied with, but he didn't have anything else.

You were the one who was mad, remember? I wasn't.

Rose read that and she couldn't argue with it, though he was the one who stormed out or left or however he saw it. She tapped her finger against the side of the phone a few times before replying.

I'm not anymore. But you need to not push me like that again. She read that over and it sounded lame in her head or like she really needed to add more to it but she sent it anyway, sighing heavily as she stretched out on her bed, setting a pillow down over her face.

He read the message back, and didn't answer back for a good twenty minutes, not even sure what to say. He was planning on avoiding her. On hanging back, and just...letting her do whatever the fuck it was she was going to do. Maybe she'd stick with Leija being around or something. But either way, he didn't figure it was best for him to be there. He typed in and erased a few different messages, none of them seeming to be remotely helpful or right or anything. He remembered what Nic had told him, about being up front with her about how he wasn't going to play pretend just because she wanted him to. How she could take it or leave it at that. But he didn't know how to say that in a text message. Plus he still didn't even know if that was the right thing to do.

Not sure what to say to you. There, it was honest.

He took longer than she thought in getting back and that hurt, but it didn't surprise her. She wasn't doing too well at wording things either and she was generally better at social interactions than he was after all. She started writing up messages and much like he had, erasing them again. Things like You really hurt me and You don't understand but in the end she exited that texting mode and called him instead. The first ring tone made her stomach tighten uncomfortably and she wanted to hang up, now there was a first.

When 'Salvation' started, Caleb cringed. Fuck. She was calling him. He really really didn't want to be on the spot like this. He was just going to fuck it up somehow, he was positive. But he couldn't ignore it, either. In the end he picked up right before it went to voice mail, and held it up to his ear, glad he was home for the moment, as he dropped heavily down onto his bed and stared at the ceiling. He didn't say hello, he just kind of waited to listen to what she had to say.

"Caleb?" She said quietly, though yes, obviously it was Caleb since he'd been holding his phone and sending her text messages. So she didn't wait for an answer, just sighed quietly and rolled onto her stomach, pressing her cheek against the pillow and biting her lip before finding words. Maybe she should have just written him a letter, that would have been easier. "You're..." Another sigh, because this was pretty hard. "You were half right, okay?"

Motherfucking women. he thought first. Because she'd just texted him to tell him that he couldn't push her like he had, and now he was hearing he was half right? What the fuck? How did that even work? But then again Nic had confirmed the fact that women were fucking crazy for him. Said so herself. He suppressed a growl, and reached up to rub at the bridge of his nose as he squinted his eyes shut. "Rose, I don't really--" he started, not even sure what he was going to say, so he stopped himself short. Because if he didn't know what he was going to say, he might wind up saying whatever the wrong thing was again. Best to keep his mouth shut.

"You really hurt me," Rose said quietly, wrapping a long lock of dark hair around her finger the way she would have the cord on her grandma's old phone when she was little. It made her wish her cellphone had an optional curly line like that. "But it was... I don't know. I don't want us to not be friends."

He was more confused than ever, really. He didn't understand her. Quite clearly, he didn't. Her statements didn't seem to add up. Though he was sure that they made sense to her. And maybe they would to people who weren't him, but he clearly was missing something. Her statements sort of...made him feel a little on the sick side. An unpleasant twist in his gut that he couldn't necessarily explain readily, and he sure as hell wasn't going to examine it now. He was quiet for a long stretch of minutes. "If I hurt you, and you don't want me to push or anything, why is it you would want us to remain friends?" he asked, voice very carefully neutral.

She smiled a little at that and oddly enough kind of wanted to hug him for it. It was just so... clueless. "People can't hurt you unless you love them, my mom used to say," she said with a small shrug. And maybe the love part was a little strong of a word but she hoped he'd get the gist. "I know you were trying to help," in your own little weird way. "It just... I'm not ready, I might never be but, it got me talking and... I'm just scared I'll chase you off, you know?"

The L word tossed in there made him twitch, but then again, it kind of always did, in any context that had to do even remotely with him. He knew he had to speak, get his thoughts in order, but he had this horrible desire to just shut up and let her talk because obviously she had things she wanted to say, then let it all drop. Be there if anything happened where she'd need actual, physical protection, and other than that leave her be. He got that she was reaching out, he just couldn't figure out why, and what she'd said before was still kind of making him sick, uncomfortable to an insanely high degree. "Rose, I think it's pretty obvious that you and I aren't--whatever you want out of a person right now? A friend, or whatever? I'm not it."

It was Rose's turn to be quiet and her stomach wasn't settling one bit. This had to be the most uncomfortable conversation of her whole life and she had no idea how to deal with it. What made it even more so was the fact that now she was getting all sorts of heartbreaking ideas. He wasn't reaching out at all, he was pretty much saying things that were easily interpreted as something bad and she could feel panic added to her already anxious set of feelings. "You don't want to be..." It wasn't a question, more a shocked sort of statement and she was almost certain he'd agree.

"Last time I was there, you threw me out, and that was after you were crying and everything, and that was with me trying to help. Obviously? That wasn't what happened. I didn't mean to hurt you, but I did, and I'm not--right now what you obviously want is to play pretend. You want to be around people where you can...I don't know. Not deal. Do whatever it is you're comfortable doing. Or need to be doing right now, however you want to word it. And I'm not--I'm not built for a sugar coating. I can't just sit back and ignore. And that's...what you want right now. You want your illusions, and you know, I can't even say that I really blame you for wanting them, but I can't actually help hold them up for you. And I guess I feel like that's what you want from me. Look, if you actually need something? Like...anything I can get you, or if anything happens and you felt you were in danger or something, I'd be there in a heartbeat. I just don't..." he trailed off, certain he was fucking everything up just as badly as he had the other night.

Rose listened to him go on and at least he was talking now, though that didn't mean she had to like what he was saying. Maybe he had a point, every time they talked he said something to upset her or she said something to annoy him. They were a bad mix but she couldn't let him go. Even now she felt like crying, damn him. "I don't want to play pretend," she said quietly, glad they weren't having this conversation face to face as a tear trickled down her nose. "But I don't want to be in that dark every hour of every day. You wouldn't want to be around me if I was." Which wasn't a big change from now, was it. "But you can't just... leave me."

That sick feeling in the pit of his stomach got a whole lot worse at that last bit. I can't leave you. You came here. You latched onto me. I can't leave you? I told you not to come here. I practically forbade you from it, because this is the worst place you can be. I didn't ask for the responsibility of having to take care of you. And even when I try, I fucking suck at it, which I told you before, that I wasn't this...fucked up skewed view you had of me. But you set me in this light then got upset when I didn't live up to some impossible standard that I could never meet in the first place. But this is my fault, because I don't say the right things and smile and fucking nod when you want me to like I'm some little fucking puppy. There's a duality. You want me to take care of you but don't like how I do it. You want me to perform on demand, to make you feel better about everything. I have no idea what it is you want, but it's not me. I think you want someone who behaves just how you want them, not someone with a mind of their own. Particularly not a mind like his. A mind that was cracked in the first place, that had a lot of heavy, dark shadows, black holes of horrible thoughts, feelings... Damage. A lot of it. And as much as her behavior towards him pissed him off and gave him that sick feeling, he still wasn't enamored with the idea of getting that damage on her. She had enough shit to deal with without his special brand of it. "I don't know what you want from me." he said quietly, not sure what else to say.

"I just want to be your friend," Rose said quietly and she really didn't understand why that was so hard for him. They'd been relaxed and easy going and then he had to do something to stir it up. Maybe he didn't feel comfortable unless things were messy, the way Leija talked about him, that was a conclusion Rose was trying to avoid and failing. "If you don't want to be or you don't... You'll have to say it. You can't make it out to be because you're not what I need or something." She didn't want him to, of course, who would want someone to tell them they didn't want to be their friend. Some masochistic oddball, that was for certain. "Because you are, you're the only person I really trust, Caleb. I mean really and I can't lose you because you think you're not good enough or keep putting yourself down so if that's the only reason then no. I'm not letting go and you'll have to be honest with me, if it's you, if it's not what you want then... I mean, if you don't want to see me again you'll have to say that."

Caleb kept feeling manipulated, though he figured that was his own paranoia in things. It wasn't like there was another course of action, really, was there? So, no, she probably wasn't doing that, but it felt that way. He was quiet for a long time, just trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. "I was honest with you." he wound up saying, which wasn't at all what he'd started thinking about, he just started talking and that was never good. "I told you what I thought, and that ended pretty spectacularly badly. I don't know if you actually want to be my friend, I think you just want someone around. And that someone you want around you want to not push, and just be around, and do...whatever it is you want. And I can't do it. I'm sorry, I wish I could, but I just can't. I think you need someone, I just don't think you need me. Maybe you need the idea you had in your head of who I was, or am. And the reality of the situation is I'm not him. And I can't be, and I just...I don't know." He sighed heavily and tugged his fingers through his hair. "I don't want to be in this position where I can't even be myself, because if I am, all it does is wind up hurting you. That's not good for either of us." Nowhere in there did he say he didn't want to be friends. He resented being put on the spot like that in the first place, but either way, it wasn't necessarily the case. It was a lot more complicated than that, it wasn't nearly so cut and dried. If it was, this would be easier.

"It didn't end so badly in the end," Rose said quietly, now searching her hair for split ends rather than use it for pretend phone cord. "You sent Leija over and we talked and it was really good to just... talk to someone. And I wouldn't have if you hadn't pushed me... Yeah it hurt but, maybe you were... well, you were at least half right. But you have to let me hold onto hope too, okay? Because the world doesn't have to be all bad and dark even if it sometimes seems like it is. And you're not-, you may not be what I think you are but you're not at all what you think you are either."

"It didn't end so badly? Are you--" delusional?! Yes, he thought she was, but he wasn't saying that. So he broke off what he was going to say entirely and just tried to calm down. He didn't, but his tone was back to gentle. "I sent Leija over. She made it better. Not me. It was her. Sounds more like you need her, than me." he said. "She was the one who helped, things with me ended like they did when I walked out of the room. Everything that happened after didn't have much to do with me." he told her, really feeling that way. Leija had gone and worked whatever magic she could, and Caleb still felt that Leija and Rose could be very good for one another. In the end his voice got even quieter. "Rose...you don't know me even half as well as you would need to to make a decision like that." he said to her assessment of him. And sadly that was the truth, as far as he was concerned. Because he didn't feel like she knew him. He felt like she knew the story of him that she'd made up. Not who he actually was. And half of that was his own fault, for playing into it, or not trying harder to dispel it, maybe. He didn't know.

"I know I annoy you and I'll try not to," Rose said and she probably sounded pathetic but she didn't care. She didn't even know what else to say, what to say at all she just knew he was pushing her away and it made her feel helpless and alone. Sitting up she wiped the fresh spring of tears from her cheeks, glad she was at least not sobbing, though she felt choked up already. "You can't... I can't lose you too, okay? So just tell me what I have to do..."

He was listening to her voice, hearing the words, sure, but more he was listening to how she sounded. How there was a little bit of a tremor to it, how it sounded a little choked. Christ he didn't even have to be there to make her cry, did he? This was why he hadn't wanted to talk to her. Because he didn't want to be doing this to her again. The very last part though, that made that sick feeling in his gut truly twist, and get even worse. Tell her what she had to do? That...was in no form a good thing. "Rose, I just got done telling you how I don't really want to have to pretend and everything, why would I want you to?" he asked. "I don't." God, just the concept of someone trying to twist herself around to...what, keep him? Something? That was worlds of bad. He wished he had better answers here, and was better at this. Even slightly better would help him out. Jesus. "I said I'd still be there if you needed anything..." he tried, not sure what else to say there.

"Yeah but I don't want to push you away or annoy you or..." Rose went quiet, just focusing on breathing because crying right now would pretty much prove his point, to him anyway. That he was bad for her and always made her cry. Which yeah, he often did but then she was pretty much permanently in the zip code of cry anyway. She didn't even know why she felt so strongly about this, it wasn't like he'd disappear - he'd still be around and she could still call him but she felt like he was disappearing and the more she thought about it, the harder it was not to cry. She was breathing through her mouth now, exhaling a little louder than she'd like and finding it hard to stave off those tiny tremors in her breath.

"You seem stuck on this you annoy me thing." Caleb said, the first thing his mind latched onto. She'd mentioned it twice in a short span. "I don't know about you but none of my friends are perfect and never annoy me. That's not the problem here." he said. Maybe she did come from a place where people magically got along all the time. His own issues could just be him. He was more than aware of that possibility. "What do you want from me? Seriously, honestly, lay it out. What is it you want, and why is it me specifically?" Maybe they could try this in a more logical manner--not that he held out much hope for it working.

Rose almost laughed at that question because she might be good at social stuff, under normal circumstances, and she might have taken the very basic courses in psychology but you couldn't just put that sort of stuff into neat little sentences and explain them. She didn't laugh though, her face just tensed up a little and her eyes kept betraying her with more tears. "I just want you to be my friend... I just want you to like me and draw me pictures when you're bored in class and make me make you weird promises because you think bad things will happen and... I just don't want you to disappear."

Caleb was feeling trapped, though couldn't have said why. But it was there, a clear feeling in the back of his mind. Fuck. He sighed, and tried to figure out what to say to her. "Rose, I do like you." he said first. Because he figured of everything else, she really needed to hear that right then. "But my brand of being your friend includes telling you what I think, how I feel, and you don't seem to want me to do that. You opened up with it. I'm not allowed to push. Well I wasn't doing it for fun, I was doing it because I'm worried about you, and thought it was necessary. And you said that I hurt you, and I'm sure I did, but that was me being honest with you too. And so, if I can't do that, if I can't be honest, and do what I think is right? That's not really a friendship. That's you just wanting me to...I don't know. Distract you with nothing. Just be there but not be involved. To be some cardboard cutout of a friend."

What could she say to that? Okay but don't push so hard came to mind but it didn't quite fit the way she felt. "I'm not asking you to not say how you feel," she started, squeezing her eyes shut and wiping at her cheek again. "Hang on please, don't hang up," she then muttered and put the phone down, darting to the small bathroom and closing the door so he couldn't pick up on the sounds of blowing her nose and in general taking care of the whole crying thing. She tried to be quick about it and came back, sitting down heavily on the bed. "Are you still there?"

Trying to hide the crying thing or not, it wasnt' like he didn't know. But he didn't hang up. He stayed on the line, trying to figure out what the fuck to do with this situation. He just...didn't know. He didn't how know to make it better, or what to do with it. How to even talk to her so she'd understand, or how to get to a middle ground--if there even was one, and with how he was feeling lately he wasn't sure there was. He still felt like he was fucking all of this up. "Yeah, i'm still here." he told her.

"Sorry," she said quietly but at least she had gotten herself under control for now. "So what was I... yeah, you can say what you feel, it's not that... And I'll be more honest with you if that's what you really want, I just... Everything hurts right now and I don't want to be that girl, I can't be that trainwreck and if you say something and I tell you I can't deal with it, not right now you have to..." No, you don't have to do anything, it was like everything she felt or had to say would one way or another scare him off and she was probably speaking in circles by now. "And I'm sorry I'm this... crazy person who's latched onto you and you're probably so sick of me but I just, I don't care what kind of friend you want to be I just need you to be my friend."

"Don't be sorry, and don't--" he started, not even sure how to deal with that part. Jesus. "I am your friend. I just...don't think you do very well when I'm around." he told her honestly. "I think your world and mine don't match up at all, and what you need right now is someone...someone like Leija. Whatever I've got in my head, whatever I think, you're not ready for. I think that's really really clear. I just...like I said, I'm no good at...pretending, or whatever."

"Stop thinking, Caleb," she said and if it was meant to be a joke it utterly failed as one. She just sounded tired and she was. "Maybe you're bad for me, maybe you're the worst person in the world or whatever it is you seem to think you are... Yesterday you hurt me, yeah but... You made me think about things and yeah it hurt but it... I don't know, I guess it helped too. Things slowed down a little." And that wasn't an entirely good thing but she needed to believe there was method to the madness, something good. More importantly, Caleb needed to think that not everything he did resulted in bad stuff only. "I'm going to need help."

You don't want my help. Everything I had to say you screamed and cried about. Not one thing did you even try to accept. Caleb thought. "You fought me on everything that came out of my mouth, Rose." he said, not harshly or anything. Just...said. "And I still say if anything helped, that was Leija doing damage control, not me. And the fact that damage control was necessary...does that not tell you something?" he asked.

"No I mean... You made me realize I need help," Rose sighed. "Professional, or support or... something. And of course I fought you, you know as little as I do about what happened but you still focus on it having to be bad. Which I guess is more realistic but I can't just abandon them like that. You were still right about me, maybe not them but me..."

"Rose, people were trying to get out of town, with the cars--" he started, then just stopped himself. "Nevermind." he said, just not even going to try again. "What was I--" he broke off there too. He really did just feel like he couldn't say anything. That nothing would be right. "I'm just going to stop there, I don't want to make anything worse." he said honestly.

"I know, I was there," Rose said quietly and had the random and somewhat stupid thought that she hoped someone had turned the cars off by now. Some of the bigger ones could run for a long time she guessed. "I need time to deal with this, we could argue details but I really don't want to. But I'm trying, okay? I met your brother today, he's going to see what he can find in his books about people who go missing, I can't really find anything I trust on the internet." Books were just more reliable, there was so much nonsense online.

"I just stopped trying to argue details with you." Caleb pointed out, since he hadn't finished his thought, even. "Look, do whatever you're going to do. Deal however you want to deal. If you need anything, call, and I'll figure something out to get whatever you need taken care of taken care of. I don't really know what you want from me, or how you want me to do it, or how you expect things to go. Maybe...I don't know. Think it over for a few days or something. I'm not sure." He was at a loss, very much so.

"I already told you what I want," Rose said with obvious exasperation in her voice. There he was, pushing her away again. Call if you need something. It sounded more like pizza delivery than friendship to her. "I don't expect anything, I just want you to stop pushing me away."

A ton of things bubbled up in his mind at that, but he kept every one of them to himself. He was silent for a moment, just trying to figure out something to say. "And I don't want to play some game with you where every time I'm around you, I wind up making you cry. And I don't want to walk on eggshells either, because so far that hasn't worked for me either. But either way, I'm fucked, because I do hurt your feelings and make you cry and you don't want to hear what I have to say, and I just--Why?" he finally came out with.

"Caleb-," Rose sighed. Everything makes me cry. "Why what?" She asked tiredly, lying back down and staring up at the ceiling. "You see why I don't like to talk about things to people? I cry and you're gone, just like that. I talk and people think I'm crazy." Until she put on a brave face and came to Marquette. Now people were accepting and open minded, but it didn't change her feelings on the matter.

Caleb frowned and pushed himself up on his elbow. "Oh hold on just a fucking second." he said. "You cry and i'm gone 'just like that'? Fuck that, no. That was not how that happened. And remember when we were walking around the island and you cried? It's not like the second you tear up, I'm out the fucking door, so don't even put that on me. You. Told. Me. To. Leave. So I left. I fail to see how respecting your fucking wishes turns into me 'leaving just like that'." Now his tone ceaced to be calm. He knew he should try and maintain it, but with that, he couldn't.

"No but you blame yourself and use it as an excuse to leave," Rose said. "And being some errand boy, that isn't being my friend, I can call if I need something? What if I just need you?" The fact that there was a punkish little fuzzball of a bunny licking her arm now should have made her feel better but it didn't and that right there was so wrong. "And yeah you left but I didn't know you were really leaving until now."

"God, have you just--" he started, then broke off again, stopping entirely. He took the phone away from his ear for a long moment, just trying to calm himself back down. He felt like he was being manipulated again. And again, figured that was just his head, not actual fact. He put the phone back to his ear, and spoke calmly. Neutrally. "Rose, I'm not using you crying as an 'excuse' for anything. And if all you've gotten out of our entire conversation is that tears might make me 'leave' then you haven't been hearing a word I've said. You crying is irrelevant. It's that I upset you enough that you wail and yell and everything. It's that you freaked out over it all, and you don't want any part of it. So, I'm giving you the out. Why are you now not wanting to take it?"

"Why do you want me to so bad?" Rose asked back and all she was getting from this conversation was that Caleb didn't want to be friends with her which just made her feel foolish and alone all over again. She didn't even care that he sounded angry, which usually would have upset her a great deal, right now all she heard was that he was distancing himself and she was going to be on her own somehow.

"I've been telling you this whole conversation, Rose, do you really want me to go over it all again?" Caleb asked. "Bottom line is I'm not the kind of person you should have around you right now. I think that's pretty clear, even if for some reason you don't want to see it, or you want to try and...fucking...I don't know, edit yourself so that it's better. Which by the way? Is one of the scarier things I've ever heard. I don't get why you want me to still be there and around if you know that all I do is upset you, you feel like all you do is annoy me...what're you getting out of it? Why do you want to hold onto things?"

"You're such a..." boy. God could she just scream with frustration right now, wailing would probably the word he'd use for it though. She took a deep breath before actually responding. "Because I like you and you make me feel safe," she said and it didn't come out all cute and fuzzy considering the words. More frustrated, like she'd be shaking him if he was actually present. "And because I already see you as a friend whether you like it or not."

He sighed, because that was a better reason than he could have come up with. The one standing out most to him was the bit where he apparently made her feel safe. Even if he didn't know how he managed it, or if that was a good thing or not. He wasn't sure how it really could be. He'd been convinced from the get go that he would fuck this up, and he had. And who was he kidding, really? He kept Leija safe by sending her the hell out of harm's way. With Rose...what was happening with her was just there. And he couldn't do anything about it. Nothing but try and help her, but she probably wasn't ready for truth, and he was a bad liar, at least, when it came to long term shit like that. He couldn't go there every day and put on a happy face and smile and nod and agree that sure, everything was just going to be fine. That for some reason, there was some reasonable explanation, and she'd find out and everything would end with tearful hugs and choruses of how much everyone had been missed. To him, it was just going to prolong the inevitable, and once she hit the stop point, it was all going to crash and burn--all the harder because she'd been fooling herself for however long. In the end, he didn't say anything, because he didn't know what to say to that.

The silence was crushing and she listened to the subtle little sounds that told her the phonecall hadn't been cut short. "Caleb," she finally said, quietly and a bit questioning, stopping her tears in their tracks with a finger, not letting them fall. "I'm not going to... force you." Obviously she had no way to force him even if she wanted to but she was probably not giving him much choice either. "You just... You just do whatever you want," she said quietly. Bitterly.

He could hear the tone, and he didn't know what to do with it. Again, a whole host of thoughts rose up, but he didn't share any of them. "What does what you want entail?" he asked, after what seemed like a very long time, but wasn't in reality.

And all Rose could think was that Leija had been wrong. He didn't really care about her, he just felt obligated for some reason. "You need to ask," she whispered and for some reason that hurt even more than many of the things he'd said before. Hadn't she already explained, did he really not get it? Or was he expecting some sort of guidelines. I want you to come for tea every Saturday, take me to the movies on Wednesdays. She fumbled for words but her emotions completely betrayed her and she took in a big gulp of air, shuddering as she hung up and cried in earnest.

He gave it about half an hour. He told himself he wasn't going to call back at all, but felt like they'd just been moving towards some kind of compromise, and he'd hey--big surprise!--fucked up. Again. He was just phenomenally bad at all of this. So he gave it a while. Then he called her back, not sure if she was going to answer at all.

If Rose was the type of person to not pick up the phone and just give it the finger instead, she would have. But she wasn't, so no matter how tempting it was to just let it ring when she saw his caller ID, she couldn't. So she picked up. That wasn't to say she hadn't picked up a thing or two from him since she didn't say anything. Just lay where she'd been crying for the last thirty minutes, certain he wouldn't call since he didn't right away.

"Yes, I needed to ask." he said, more or less picking up their conversation where it left off. He was a lot calmer, though. He was exhausted, really. He felt wiped out. But...whatever, this would bother him to no end if it didn't get resolved in some fashion. "If I'm going to try to not fuck things up on a constant basis, I would like a little help with it." he continued. "I'm not a mind reader. So, I asked." he said, voice even, tone neutral. "Maybe this friends shit comes very easily to you, and it's intuitive, and natural, and you don't have to think about anything or have anything defined, but I'm not like that. So I'm sorry if I've got shortcomings, but that's very definitely one of them. If you can't deal with that, then fine, but dropping me because I asked a question I needed clarification on seems like it's not exactly productive."

She stayed quiet, not about to tell him that his stupid question had made her completely break down again. Because he really didn't need to know that (though he probably already did). Her head hurt now and her eyes ached a little too and she didn't know what to say to him. "I already told you," she finally managed to squeeze out, closing her eyes and just sort of resting the phone on her cheek, balancing it there and letting herself go limp on the bed.

"Well, tell me again." Caleb said, wondering if she was going to hang up on him again. And if she did, what he would do then. Call Leija again? Ask her how he could explain in non-specific terms that he was a half demon, and a lot of this shit was lost on him? That he might be able to pick it up eventually, but it wasn't the first thing that came to mind for him, or the easiest of transitions for him to make? That would go over well.

"Do you even want to?" Rose asked and as much as she didn't want to lose him, she wasn't so sure she wanted him around if she knew he hated every minute of it. Maybe she did, but she told herself she shouldn't. "You were doing fine at it before and now suddenly you don't know how..."

She really didn't understand him. And really he couldn't blame her for that, so...right. "I wasn't necessarily 'fine'. I was there, and I was keeping quiet about a lot of things, and that...really...I was trying to live up to the person you think I am. And...like I've said, I'm really not that person. So yeah, I just...I don't know. Got anywhere that's a start point, at the very least?" he asked.

"You don't want me to pretend but you want me to tell you how to pretend?" She asked, rolling onto her back again and rubbing her eyes. "But you don't want to pretend either..." And they said girls were complicated! Maybe it wasn't how he meant it but that was how it sounded to her, with the questions on what she wanted. "Okay... I want trust and conversation and hanging out and introducing music like you did and let me pester you when I'm bored or sad or can't handle things alone or..." Frustration bubbled up as her eyes went misty again and she did a little better at holding that at bay this time. "A starting point would be something like... You saying you're sorry for pushing me away and me saying I'm sorry for hanging up on you."

"Did I not say before that I don't want to do that shit?" Caleb asked. Christ did she ignore everything he said unless it was to pull it back up to throw at him? "I said a start point." Then, after the rest of what she said, he set his jaw. Of course, it starts with me apologizing. he thought. He still backed up his reasons for trying to push her away. He still didn't quite get why he was doing this, or why she wanted him to be around. But...it obviously meant a lot to her. "I'm sorry for trying to push you away." he intoned instead.

"I'm sorry for hanging up on you," she replied in kind, sighing quietly. "I'm off balance, everything... sucks." And in that she was becoming more like him, she noted bitterly. "I don't want you to feel obliged or whatever. That's not friendship. But if you really think you're bad for me and that's your only reason then... just don't."

"Well, yeah you're off balance." Caleb said, voice slightly gentler at that. "I guess...part of my point yesterday was that anyone who was on top of their game at this point...something's the matter. What...what I worry about is you just cracking later." he admitted. "And once that actually happens, then...shit's never the same." He knew. He'd been there. More than once, even, and that experience sort of left it's mark in his tone. There was feeling behind it, even if he was trying to make it neutral. "So, knowing you're off balance, that actually makes me feel better, because at least it's not..." he trailed off there.

"You don't like masks," Rose said quietly. No matter how ugly the faces underneath them are. "I won't wear one around you then. It's just hard for me. I need something to be okay, even if it's just a couple of hours when I meet people because this... this is exhausting. And I'm sorry, you've heard it all before already but... You got me talking about it and now I can't stop."

"Don't apologize to me. I wanted you to talk about it. I think it's healthier for you to do that than repress." Caleb said. "That was part of my point, but...guess you missed that. But that's what would make me feel better. You talking about it. Something. I think Leija's a better choice to talk to, I know I'm kind of..." he didn't have a word there. "But that's right. I don't like masks. They make everything all the more complicated." What with the fact that he had one on all the time. He still couldn't just tell people about his heritage. And that always kept things separate.

"She's good to talk to," Rose agreed. "Doesn't mean I don't want to talk to you too." At least she was calmer now, but considering who she was talking to she had to wonder how long that would last. "Can we just... start over?" She mumbled, sitting up with a wince as her head felt all stiff and heavy now. Stupid crying, whoever thought that was a great way to deal with grief?

Wasn't part of this whole thing because you didn't want to talk to me? You just wanted me around to draw you pictures on demand and show you things in town and shit? Caleb thought, but didn't share. Instead, he took what she said. "Alright. How do we do that?" he asked, since he was fine with giving it a shot, maybe it would work, but he didn't have clue one how to accomplish starting over.

"Maybe we could meet tomorrow or something, go out, get something to eat," Rose suggested wearily. "Go see a movie or something." That last option was probably the best idea, two hours of sitting together without having to talk. Sounded just about perfect for the two of them, as long as it wasn't a sad movie at least.

Caleb thought about that, and figured it sounded like a halfways decent idea. "Yeah, that sounds good." he told her. He sounded like he thought it was doable, like he was up for it. "You can pick the movie, so long as it isn't a chick flick." he added. He'd more or less put up with anything else, but something sappy and romantic he wasn't going to want to do.

"I think... comedy would be better. Just something silly," she said. Something with no sappy little moments that will make me cry again. "What kind of movies do you like anyway?" She guessed horror and movies where things blew up a lot. Die Hard and that sort, or maybe she was thinking too hard of her brother in that context, him and his friends as well as the younger boys she'd hung out with when she was younger. They really liked stuff that made her squirm with disgust, she suspected they only liked it because it did, actually. Watching her reactions more than watching the movie, perhaps? Not that she ever lasted through those.

"Horror, mostly." Caleb answered, in that nicely predictable manner. "But honestly I don't watch all that many movies at all. Or television." he admitted. That was true, he didn't have time for that shit. He used to have more of it, back before he'd moved to Marquette, but definitely not anymore. "So, sure. Comedy." he agreed easily. Not that his sense of humor matched up with much, but he'd still go with it. Maybe it would help, or...something. At least this way he would be able to say he tried.

"We'll just look and see if there's anything we're both interested in," Rose replied, relieved he wasn't poking holes in that plan and pointing out flaws. Such as the one where they would probably never find anything they both liked. "I'll look into what's showing tonight and we can talk tomorrow." Because today... might just be a little too soon and raw for both of them.

"I said comedy was fine already. Don't worry about it." Caleb said. Because he was definitely aware that finding something they both actually wanted to watch was an unlikely scenario. He didn't mind catering to her on something like that though. That was just fine. "But do that, then we'll figure it out then. Just call or whatever around when you wanted to go." He didn't think seeing each other today was such a good plan either. He still wasn't sure keeping going with this friendship was either, but he guessed giving it another shot wouldn't necessarily make anything worse. He'd be hard pressed to do that, with as much as he'd fucked up already.

"Okay," Rose said quietly, a little more at ease. "I'll call you tomorrow. And Caleb?" She struggled with what she said next, not sure it was the right way to put it or if she should say it at all. "Thanks for not giving up on me." There, that wasn't so bad. Unless he started reading something into it she didn't intend for.

He didn't read into it. Right now, he didn't want to read into anything at all. "...sorry I've made you as upset as I have." he said in return. It wasn't his intention. He still had a shit ton to think about, but...well. He guessed he'd do that when he could.

In all fairness, what he did to upset her was just a drop in the ocean but it still made her smile to hear him say it. "I'll see you tomorrow," she said rather than tackle that sentence and when the phonecall ended she rolled over and put the phone on the nightstand. She had every intention on reading for school since it was still early and she didn't feel tired as such but closing her eyes for just a minute turned into a full fledged sleep.