Denial with a Side of Guilt

Who: Dorian and Mathias
Where: Phone Calls, The Happy Medium
When: Early Evening

Dorian sat out in the grass behind his house, leaning up against a tree as he stared at his cell phone. He'd rather be outside than in. The air had cooled, the first hint of autumn on the breeze and fresh air in his lungs. Not dusty, like the bookshop back room. The only thing there to make him uncomfortable was his phone and the call he needed to make. Dorian dialed Mathias' number and held the phone to his ear, waiting as it rang.

He hadn't worked out what he was going to say. Every time he tried, it came out different, but he didn't want to stall any longer. This wasn't something he could put off, as the longer he waited, the worse it would be. He wasn't even happy with the fact that Mathias had left in the first place.

Mathias had eventually given into the inevitable and checked into a motel in town. Fucking things - there was a reason he hated them. But he'd taken a shower and he was currently laid out on the uncomfortable bed on the bound-to-be-itchy sheets, his head propped up on the single pillow in its over-starched case and flicking through the shit poor selection of channels on the ancient TV in the corner.

His cell was lying on the bedside table and he looked across as it began to ring, the display clearly stating that Dorian was calling. Well, it had been a toss up of who was going to call whom first anyway. He let it ring for five rings, then picked up. "Hey - how's it going?" he asked, as if this day were no different to any other.

It may have started as a normal conversation would, but Dorian knew it wouldn't be. He couldn't recall ever arguing with Mathias like he had that morning, and the more he thought about it, the more he realized just how badly he'd lost it. He'd let things get to him, let them build up more than they should, and let outside stresses effect how he handled his family. Caleb had listened to him and been rather forgiving, but it was Mathias that had suffered the brunt of Dorian's attack.

"Hey," Dorian said, "It's... too quiet." He wouldn't say it was okay because it wasn't. Dorian had never intended to run Mathias off and still felt awkward about him being in town, but not in his house. At least he'd answered the phone.

Mathias chuckled at that. "Get used to having people around that quickly?" he asked, reaching for the remote to flip the TV off - there was fuck all on anyway. He stayed lying though, one arm resting behind his head, the other holding the phone to his ear, legs loosely crossed at the ankles.

"I guess so. I don't like the silence," he said, picking at the grass. Caleb and Tensiel were relatively quiet. "You should come back," he said, a knot forming in his chest. Damn, he'd really screwed up this time, hadn't he. "I didn't want you to leave. Plus, you make more noise than the three of us combined."

"No I shouldn't, bro," Mathias told him, chuckling slightly. "Look, Dor - your couch is all well and good for a few nights, but I was getting backache like you wouldn't believe anyhow. So I was planning on taking my leave no matter what. That house just wasn't built to hold the lot of us," he said, giving his brother a perfect out.

"I can get another air mattress," Dorian offered. "Or move Ten to the couch. Or to Caleb's room," he said, joking with a small smirk that Mathias couldn't see. "I didn't plan to have four people there, but that doesn't mean we can't all fit." He wasn't taking the out. He'd known that much before he'd even picked up the phone.

"Dorian," Mathias said, patiently. "I'm not coming back, so drop it."

Dorian was quiet then, gaze down at the ground where he'd torn up pieces of grass by the root. "I was out of line," he said, trying not to let the frustration seep in. "And I'm sorry."

Mathias looked at his watch, then up at the ceiling. "Meet me at the Happy Medium in 20 minutes," he said, before hanging up. Which was typical Mathias, really. He wondered if his brother would have to ring back to ask where the bar was.

Dorian blinked and looked down at the phone, then shut it and rose to his feet. He knew where the Happy Medium was, even if he'd never been inside. He didn't waste any time, even if he had a feeling that Mathias would be late. Wandering in, he began to look for his brother as he headed towards the bar. A drink really didn't sound good. Just water would do.

As it happened, Mathias wasn't late. In fact, he'd been there long enough to have gotten through his first cigarette and half a beer - a twin sitting across the table from him, waiting for Dorian. He'd also given the bartender Dorian's description and tipped him to point his brother over to the corner table where he sat waiting when he got there.

Dorian was pointed in Mathias' direction before he even made it to the bar, and gave his brother a small half-smile as he slid in across from him. He glared at the beer for half a second before he decided it wouldn't hurt-- it wasn't tequila after all. "Been here long?" he asked.

"A while - would you prefer water?" he asked, catching the look on his brother's face and remembering the hangover. Possibly a beer hadn't been such a good plan.

"Unfortunately, yeah," Dorian said, signaling someone over. "Though I appreciate the thought." Any other night and he'd have been fine with a beer. In fact, after the drama and the stress, he'd have welcomed it. But after spending the day with a jackhammer in his head, he wasn't exactly thrilled with drinking. Water was easy enough to get though. "Didn't mean to keep you waiting."

Mathias reached over and pulled the other bottle to himself. "Bro - I told you twenty minutes. If I was running early that's my problem, not yours - don't apologize for things that aren't your fault," he said, rolling his eyes. He pulled out a cigarette. "You smoking these days?" he asked, offering the pack.

"I'm not all here today," Dorian said, the only explanation he could give for his behavior. It was the kind of day that he was doing that, apologizing unnecessarily, even if it wasn't typical of him, and he needed to stop. Now. Dorian had gotten himself all out of sorts and, even if he felt like he'd gotten his head on straight in comparison to the morning's events, things still weren't back at their norm. First of all, Mathias was arriving early. Just another inconsistency on a day that was anything but normal.

"On days like these, yes," Dorian said, taking a cigarette from the pack. It would help him relax a bit. There was no need to be so on edge; it was just Mathias. "Most of the time, I don't. I can't remember the last time I bought a pack."

"Probably for the best," Mathias agreed, lighting up and tossing the lighter to his brother. "Apparently they're bad for you." He took a long drag and held the smoke in his lungs for a moment, before slowly exhaling, enjoying the taste. "So - are we gonna talk, or are we gonna sit here and shoot the shit and pretend this morning never happened?" he asked, sounding as though he was honestly giving Dorian the choice of which option he wanted.

"Do you really think that's an option?" Dorian asked, unwilling to take this out either because doing so would be more damaging than helpful. This was a problem, his problem, and he needed to work on it if he wanted any chance of repairing his relationship with his brother. "I'm not really sure where to start," he said, flicking the lighter as he lit up his cigarette. When he couldn't stand to have a beer, this was a decent substitute. "I can tell you it's not all you, though. You just... made an easy target."

"Well, obviously," Mathias drawled, sounding almost amused. "So, what's bugging asides from me then?" he asked, leaning back in his chair and picking up his beer to take a drink. He'd chosen this bar because he knew they could speak openly about anything here without having to be concerned at being thought fruitloop. That generally helped things a little.

Again, Dorian thought, where to start? He took a deep breath, eyes roaming around the room for a second before turning his attention back to Mathias. He would have to scope the place out later, when he wasn't so distracted. "Everything, basically. The store, the bills, the house. Work, life." Dorian shrugged, thinking that was all too vague. "Everything suddenly got harder than it used to be." And much less fun.

Mathias raised an eyebrow. "That kind of thing happens when you become a grownup," he suggested, smirking very slightly. As if he'd know - as if he'd ever had any kind of responsibility at all. He dropped the smirk and leaned forward, resting his elbows on the table. "It getting to you?" he asked, a serious question this time with a suggestion that he'd listen seriously to the answer as well.

"That's what I've been telling myself," Dorian said, rolling his eyes. Problem was, he should be getting used to it. It shouldn't become more and more claustrophobic, but easier over time. Instead, Dorian was enjoying it less with each passing day, the novelty rubbing off far faster than he might have expected. Years earlier. "Yeah," he admitted. "I go to work, I come home, I fix dinner, and I go to bed.  Then I do it again the next day. And the next. And the knowledge that I'll have to do this for the rest of my life? It's not possible. I can't do it. But I don't know what to do instead. I've got bills to pay. I've got Caleb. I can't live like I used to, but I can't live like this either."

Mathias nodded. "Is this since Caleb, or does it predate that?" he asked, wondering if this was simply caused by the extra financial and emotional pressure of suddenly being a quasi-parent. Something he knew that Dorian would actually take very seriously.

Dorian had to think about that because there were other factors at work. It wasn't just a monetary issue, which was really the only feasible strain he had on him. The rest was emotional and a bit harder to pin down. "It's been worse since Caleb, but he's not the cause. Even when things are fine, I get halfway through my work day and just itch to be anywhere else. Caleb's agreed to work for me on Wednesdays, so I don't have to work a twelve hour shift. And Ten's going to start making dinner from her on out. But... I've gotta find another way to make money, cause I can't do this long term. And then there's the fucking house," Dorian sighed. That was another problem, one without a solution.

"The house?" Mathias prompted, realising he wasn't doing a whole lot of talking here, but that wasn't the point - the point was that Dorian was actually talking about shit at the moment and considering this morning, that was important. Mathias wasn't going to cut through that.

"Did you realize how many stupid little things you have to pay for to own one?" Dorian said. For him, it had come as a shock. It wasn't like his father had prepared him for any of this. "I thought it would be nice because there's more room, and it's a better investment. But that's only if you take care of it. I don't know the first thing about maintaining a house. I don't know how to fix windows when I break them. I told Caleb, I don't even own a lawn mower. I don't do yard work, but even if I did, I wouldn't have time for it. It's just one more thing to see to." Dorian stopped long enough to take a drag off his cigarette before starting back up again. He didn't mean to dominate the conversation, but it was probably the only way his brother would have a clue what was going on. "There's just so many little chores. Little five to ten minute tasks that fill up my day from start to finish, and then I wonder where it went. I wonder where last week went, or the week before that, and what I've been doing in that time that I actually enjoy."

"To be honest, Dor - I don't have a clue. I rarely even take a short term rental, never mind buying anywhere. I can kinda imagine though." He shrugged. "So, get Caleb to do the yard work - lots of people set kids chores. Or is this more than that? I always thought this was what you wanted? You know - the whole lifestyle thing..."

"I don't know what I wanted," Dorian said, eyes dropping down to the table as he ashed his cigarette. His focus had been on being different from Mathias and he'd thought that in itself would make him happy. Dorian enjoyed the books. He enjoyed reading and learning, but when it came down to it, being stuck in a bookshop all day wasn't for him. "It seemed like a good idea. Everyone else does it, right?"

"And what about now?" Mathias asked, internally thinking that, no, it wasn't what everybody else did. Most people, maybe, but not everyone. But he didn't think that that kind of thing was the right thing to say, here and now.

"Now? I can't give it up, can I? So I sell the house, but I have to live somewhere. I'd still need a two bedroom something because I can't put Caleb in the cupboard. And say I sell the shop. Or close it, whatever. I'd still need a job. I have to eat, so does Caleb, and I really don't want to throw Ten out on the street. I've cornered myself. So I keep the house. I'll have Ten cook dinner. Maybe Caleb can help out with the yard, but there's still the bookstore and having to be stuck indoors for hours on end, watching everyone outside and... Is it awful that I miss being in college?" Dorian asked. He was rambling, he knew, but maybe if he talked it out, he could come up with a solution.

Mathias chuckled. "Look, I'd offer to help out, but you know me, something would probably burn down, or I'd tell your customers to fuck off or something. I'm not cut out for that kind of life," he pointed out, grinding his cigarette out in the ash tray. "But I can help out financially - enough for you to hire a fucking gardener and a maid if you need to. At least it'd take that much off your mind, give you some breathing space to figure out what you want to do." He made the offer seriously. Mathias had money stashed away - his day to day living expenses were low - usually he was staying with some friend or other and he didn't have regular overheads. Most of his expenditure was capital (mostly from having to buy yet another replacement car, or get another flight somewhere), so he didn't think too much about what he had. But some of his jobs over the years had paid real, actual money. And the kind of things Mathias got involved in - when they paid? Generally paid real well - which usually had a whole lot to do with the stunning illegality of it all. So he could afford to make the offer. "And no. You know, sometimes I miss being in college too - though usually that's the parties and the girls that did that," he grinned.

"I don't actually think you'd burn it down," Dorian said, lips twisting into a small smile. He didn't comment on the alternative. If he was struggling with the customer service part of his job, he couldn't imagine what Mathias would do with it. He didn't want to take Mathias' money though. It didn't seem right, not when he'd treated him as he had. Yes, he'd been frustrated, but it didn't warrant quite the dramatics that he'd displayed earlier that morning. "I'll think about it," he said, willing to hold on to that for now, just in case that was really what he needed to do. "Could be the parties and girls," Dorian said, smirking now, just a little. "Haven't gotten laid since I got here," he rolled his eyes. "Not that I've had great amounts of time to meet people. That could explain it."

Mathias really laughed at that. "Fuck man - dude," he chuckled, shaking his head. "We're gonna have to get you out on the town, I can see. And you won't think about it, you'll take the money. Or I'll give it to Caleb and get him to deal with it - and I don't want to have to do that to the kid." But he would.

"Just getting out would be good," he laughed, then shook his head. "No, don't give it to Caleb," Dorian said, accepting it if that was the alternative. "He's got enough on his plate when not dealing with me having some kind of life crisis. I worry about him..." It frustrated him, how little he could do to help Caleb. He knew his brother would attract trouble, no matter how much he'd like Caleb to think he wouldn't. He didn't need to go through his entire life pushing people away. Dorian knew he wasn't the best example there, but still. "He carries a knife and a lighter. I'm almost tempted to give him a vial of holy water, just in case. And maybe a vial of gasoline, since a lighter alone won't do shit. If I'd known he was gonna be living with me, I never would have come here."

"Trust me, bro, there's nowhere safe in this world," Mathias sighed. "Caleb will just have to learn to look out for himself. And the guy's not as stupid as he looks - he'll do fine, I'm sure," he added. "He survived New Orleans - he can survive Marquette."

"I know, but there are a hella lot more places safer," Dorian said. "Marquette's just as bad as New Orleans, but in it's own way. I visited here once when I was in college and it just... it has this draw. You'd never have thought I'd cross paths with the sort of things I did here. And that was just a weekend," he said, remembering back. For as much trouble as he'd gotten into that weekend, he could never explain why he'd chosen to live there. He was supposed to be seeking normality. To everyone else, it appeared he had been. "I don't know. If I was in Caleb's shoes, I don't know if I'd survive." But he had, in his own way, in his own time.

"What do you mean?" Mathias asked him. "If you were in Caleb's shoes?" He paused. "And I didn't realise youd been here before - or even that there was anything here at all." To be honest, he'd never even glanced at the U.P. before heading here. Didn't even know it existed.

"He's a sixteen year old kid with a knife and a lighter. I'd still like to know how he got away from a vampire with only that," Dorian said, rolling his eyes up. Regardless of the fact that he didn't know how, he was still impressed that Caleb had managed. And grateful. "I was driving through, on my way to somewhere. Canada maybe? Got held up and ended up staying here instead. It wasn't a planned trip, if that's what you're wondering," Dorian laughed. There were a lot of places Dorian wanted to go and Marquette would not have been at the top of his list, especially in college. It was only after visiting once that he'd been drawn back. He doubted he'd have found it otherwise.

Mathias was fairly sure he had a damn good idea of how Caleb had gotten away from the vampire. But then again, Mathias also knew Caleb didn't want Dorian to know about the blood magic - and Mathias happened to agree with his youngest brother that the middle child would probably freak. And Dorian had enough to worry with by the sounds of it at the moment. And so he just shrugged. "And yet you came back," he commented, directing the conversation away from the youngest Lockwood.

"I did," Dorian said, a little smile on his face. He'd been casually inviting the trouble it might bring without actively pursuing it. Which would have been fine, if it was just him. But now it wasn't. Furthermore, Dorian's time in the bookshop had prevented him from doing much other than fighting off dust bunnies. His hand rubbed over his knuckles and the cuts he'd put there the night before. Things had been far too quiet for his liking.

Mathias considered this whilst finishing off his beer. "You wanna expand on that, or..." he gestured in an open way. He wondered about his brother's reasoning on that score, figuring there was something he wasn't seeing, but then he'd always thought that Dorian was a different creature to him - or perhaps that he was just playing at being such. But then, Mathias was never going to tell other people how to live their lives.

Dorian considered the best way to word his answer, not quite sure what Mathias would think of it. He wasn't fond of dropping the pretenses he'd put up, but in some cases it was required. Maybe that was part of his problem, that he had too many barriers up between himself and the people he cared about. Caleb had told him to talk and be honest, as had Eury. "I prefer not to seek out trouble," Dorian said, pausing to take a drag off his cigarette, another moment to stall. "I prefer not to seek out trouble because it has a tendency to invite more than I can handle on my own. However, I have no qualms about it showing up at my door." And he'd placed himself just so that it was a bit more likely to happen than not.

"Or about positioning your door where it's most likely to be?" Mathias asked him, reaching for his next beer. He let the question linger between them.

Dorian smirked as he ashed his cigarette, violet tinted eyes looking up at his brother. "I wouldn't have phrased it like that," he said, though his tone indicated that Mathias was spot on. Had Mathias not been there, had Caleb not landed with him, no one would have had to know. Dorian kept telling himself that there was nothing wrong with admitting a little more of himself. Mathias was family, though family could be his harshest judge.

"Oh I know you wouldn't have phrased it like that," Mathias retorted, responding more to Dorian's tone rather than his words. "You know, there's nothing wrong with admitting you like a bit of trouble," the guy who actively sought such things out.

"That's you, though," Dorian pointed out, yet didn't know where to go from there, not without delving into private issues that he wasn't sure he was ready to deal with. "I don't know. I guess I thought there was. For me."

Mathias frowned. "I'm confused. You think that's it's okay for me to like trouble, but you're not allowed to?" he asked, looking a little perturbed. "So, tell me - how's that one work then?" Cos that seemed kinda fucked to him.

"I don't know. It doesn't," Dorian said honestly. "That was just your life. I can't do that. I mean, even if I gave everything up, I couldn't live like you do. But I can't live like this either, so I don't know where the middle ground is. I just felt like I needed to be... different." He couldn't look at Mathias then, because he knew it would sound bad, or he'd just sound completely nuts. It was a rather poor explanation.

"Different?" Mathias asked. "Different from what? Different from me?" he continued, blinking at that. That appeared to be what his brother was saying, but Mathias didn't understand it. His brother ended up in a life he didn't want to be living simply because... he wanted to be different from Mathias? No, to the eldest Lockwood, that made no sense at all.

Dorian couldn't imagine anything that would have made him quite so uncomfortable. This wasn't a conversation he wanted to have and would have avoided, if the cost wasn't so high. But after this morning's argument, he had to say something. Letting it go could cause irreparable damage. Unfortunately, he wasn't sure what saying it aloud would do in return. "Yeah," he said quietly, then brought the cigarette to his lips. It sounded so childish now and he couldn't imagine how he'd come to such a decision. It hadn't been a conscious one, not at first. Dorian exhaled, then finally decided that maybe he did want that beer. "I know it's stupid," he said finally. "I don't know what I was thinking."

Stupid wasn't really the word which sprung to mind - though Mathias couldn't have said what that word was. He didn't say anything for the longest time, trying to work this new piece of information through, before he realised that he couldn't and asked instead. "Why?"

Dorian took a deep breath and slowly raised his eyes to his brother. He couldn't tell what he was thinking, which made it a bit more difficult. If he was already handling it poorly, Dorian would have been frantically trying to find a way to keep his mouth shut though, so it was probably for the better. "Initially, I just wanted to be noticed," he said. "You were the golden child. Everything you did was amazing and perfect, and all I could do was try to keep up. I wanted to be just like you, and that just wasn't possible. I fell perfectly in your shadow, so... I guess I changed strategies. And then suddenly I could do something, and it was different too. Mom and Dad noticed me for the things that weren't you, so that's what I went with. I just don't know when I stopped thinking about it and just kept on, regardless. I used to enjoy it, so it didn't matter, you know? I liked learning all the shit I know. Plus, you can do quite a bit in college and still get away with it. But then I ran out of school and... I just followed along with the expectations, I guess."

"Everything I did was definitely not amazing and perfect," Mathias averred. Somehow that was the very first thing that leapt out at him. He pulled out another cigarette and lit it, taking his time over it. "There's lots of things in life that aren't what I do," he pointed out. Okay, so he was stalling. He'd never had this kind of conversation before and he needed to think of something else to say to his brother that wasn't 'so, this is all my fault then?' Even Mathias knew that was a bad plan.

Dorian's head tilted slightly to the side as he raised a brow. "They were. At least to me. Now they're just amazing and completely insane, but I like hearing about them," Dorian said with a little smile. He never envied his brother when he was running for his life, yet it was always exciting to hear about. There was always something new going on. Never did he have to spend hours in one place, just to repeat the same experience the following day. "I know," Dorian nodded. "I'm not saying this was a logic based decision. And recently, it wasn't even a conscious one. It's more that I jumped after something headfirst and haven't figured out how to get myself turned back around. Like jumping out of a plane, then checking to make sure my parachute works... or something like that. It doesn't. I just keep on falling." Dorian took another sip of his beer, then continued, not even sure of how much sense he was making. He was rambling, but if it all fit together eventually, maybe Mathias would be able to help him. "I don't know what I want. I know what I have, and I don't like it. But it also feels like, to change that now... it changes everything about me."

No, they weren't, Mathias said, but not out loud - that would only start a tit for tat argument. "It's strange. I dunno - I always figured you as the one with your head on straight. You always seemed to be the sensible one - knowing where you wanted to go, what you wanted to do. You always seemed so sure of it," Mathias said. Because, from where he was standing, that was exactly what it had looked like. Dorian had gone off to college, studied - he'd never told Mathias that he had any uncertainty about what he should be doing, he'd always said how much he enjoyed it.

Dorian's issue was that he liked that image, but didn't really want to live it. He wanted people to see him as responsible, but he wasn't thrilled about actually having the responsibilities to go with it. "I thought I was. I wanted to be," Dorian said. "It's not like it's all a lie. I love the studying part. I love learning about everything that's out there, reading every detail I can get my hands on. But where's the fun if I never see them? It doesn't make it real. It might as well be a fairy tale if I've got no real experience to back it up. If there's a fire breathing dragon out there, I don't just want to read about it. I want to see it, touch it, and go for a ride."

"As far as I can tell?" Mathias shrugged. "There's no dragons out there. So you're not missing out. But I know what you mean. But, Dor - you don't really. Do you? I mean, you've never... okay, there was that time in Scotland... And that other time, but..." Mathias couldn't think of a way to put it, but he'd always got the faint impression that Dorian, almost, well, disapproved: of that kind of thing. That he was enjoying it despite himself, or some such.

"And that time in Mexico..." Dorian said, knowing just what Mathias was getting at. Hell, he'd been the one to live it. He had to see it. Either he was lying about one thing or another, or... "I am such a fucking hypocrite," he said, laughing somewhat bitterly as he picked up the beer and downed another sip. "I didn't mean to be. It just happened. I don't think anyone means to say one thing and do another, but... I guess it depends on if you're deceiving yourself along with everyone else."

"And were you?" Mathias asked him. This was all coming as a bit of a shock. Dorian, the sensible one, Dorian the good kid, Dorian the stable one - was just like the rest of them after all. Mathias wasn't sure what to make of that - other than the fact that had he known this that morning? He probably would have been shouting a whole lot more.

Dorian rolled his eyes up, thinking yes, he probably was. If he looked back at everything as a whole, at what he enjoyed in life versus what he pursued and promoted, then he was a walking contradiction. It was a game of say one thing and do another, then attempt to pretend he'd not done it in the first place. "Sometimes," he admitted. "Most of the time. I usually don't go out of my way to cause trouble, but when it's there..." Dorian shrugged. He didn't know where to go with this. He was still busy accepting it himself, but that didn't make it a solution of any kind.

Mathias shook his head. "No - no, there's a difference. You're making it into two things, when there's at least three. There's not going out of your way to cause trouble, but being okay if it finds you. But that's not what you've been doing. What you've been describing - if I get you right - is something else. What you sound like you're doing it purposefully putting yourself in trouble's path. You talk about lying to yourself and I think you're still doing it - you don't get to say you're just 'okay with trouble finding you' - which is what you seem to be suggesting - if you go and move to an area where you're going to find it. Doing that? It's just another way of going looking for trouble."

Dorian frowned and ran his fingers through his hair, knotting so that it pulled enough to hurt. He didn't like that logic, despite the fact that it made perfect sense. He didn't approve of what he looked for when it came to himself, though he'd always thought it was okay for Mathias. Nice double standard, he thought to himself. "I don't know how to stop doing it," he said softly. "It doesn't feel right to hope something happens. I shouldn't get up each day and think, 'please, God, let something attack the bookstore'. It's not that I want the store torn up, cause that would be a shit load of trouble, but I'd love the excitement of it, until it was over." And then he'd hate himself for loving it, and for knowing he'd brought it on himself in the first place.

"Do you get up every day and think, 'please god, let something attack the bookstore'?" Mathias asked him, nodding over to the waitress to bring them over some more beers. he wondered at that, and at the reasons - or potential reasons - behind it.

"Not every day," Dorian said, but then he was lying in his own round about way. He chewed on his cheek for a moment before continuing on. "Some days I hope it will be the shop across the street. And sometimes I think it'd be nice if it was the house instead. Or maybe that I'll run into something on the way to work, in the park perhaps. And then there's days like today, where I forget about the shop entirely." He'd been a tad preoccupied with his brothers though, which could have been the cause for that.

Mathias chuckled slightly at that. "And when it happens? When trouble 'finds you'? What then?" Mathias asked his brother.

"I join in," Dorian said, smiling a little. "Though recently, all it's done is go after Caleb, so it's hard to say. The only trouble I've had to deal with since I arrived in Marquette is the kind I would honestly prefer to avoid." That being family issues, emotional problems, and arguments with his brothers that resulted to them wanting to leave. Apparently he was doing a decent job of driving them away. Caleb had wanted to at one point, and Mathias had succeeded. At least Caleb had dropped that idea for the time being and seemed content to stay with Dorian, so long as they were getting along better.

"Well, obviously you join in," Mathias said, as if this was obvious. And to someone like Math, it was - to do otherwise was something that was unimaginable to him - and therefore, unimaginable to him that anyone else would do differently. "But, what then? After it's all said and done - what then?"

"After it's over?" Dorian asked. "I move on. Pretend it didn't happen. Everyone else does, oddly enough." That was something that always struck him a bit odd. People that had never seen a demon before reacted afterwards as if it never happened, like their mind couldn't accept it. Dorian accepted it just fine, but it couldn't change his life. Most of the time, it didn't even effect it, though if it was the store or his house, it certainly would. "This is really the first time I've been in a position where I couldn't move on or away. And there's constant people here. I don't like worrying about them." Like Caleb, and Eury, and Tensiel. He didn't like the fact that he might be responsible for putting them in danger.

"Why?" Mathias asked, frowning slightly. "Why pretend it didn't happen?" He could understand that from the people out there who were clueless - the sheep and their ilk. Seeing and experiencing things that you knew couldn't exist could be traumatic and oftentimes it was easier for the brain to simply reject it totally so that life could go on as it had done before. But Dorian knew - he'd always known. So... that was different and Mathias had to wonder at the reason behind it. He couldn't help but have a feeling that that was important somehow.

"Well, because-- because..." Dorian drifted off, frowning as well. "What else am I supposed to do?" he asked. He'd never considered there to be a variety of options. He couldn't exactly run with it and leave everything behind, so instead he learned to live with it, and attempt to take it all in stride. Plus, it never made him sound very responsible, going off about what sort of mischief he might have gotten up to the weekend before. Dorian tended to be tight lipped about those sort of things.

"Consider it? Think about what went on, why it went on, what you did - whether you could have done anything better, worse, different? Learn from it, in case it ever happens again? Talk about it with people who know and understand? Hell, if it comes down to it, admit to yourself that you enjoyed it. Or, conversely, that it was the fucking scariest damn thing that ever happened to you and that you'd do anything to avoid that particular situation ever again. But something," Mathias suggested, cocking an eyebrow. "You do know that suppressing that sort of thing really isn't good for you, right?"

Dorian had never considered the fact that his older brother might actually be wise in this area, even if he should have expected it. This really was something Mathias dealt with on a daily basis and he would know better than anyone. Dorian problem had always been that there were so few he could discuss it with, and the handful he had left, he avoided discussing it with. "I'm starting to get that," he said, answering the last of Mathias' questions. "I guess that's something I need to work on." A lot. More than anything they'd discussed so far, that seemed to be the problem.

"Yeah," Mathias agreed. "You know you always have my number, right?" he checked. He'd gotten a little better at that in the past couple of years. His cell phone changed with scary regularity, but he'd gotten into the habit of always passing it on to their mother and Dorian as soon as he got a new one - though usually it was just as a text message, just the number and his name. "Any time - you could have called me."

"I know. I just didn't know what to say. 'Ran into a demon today. It broke my arm; I broke it's neck. I'm all good now.' It never seemed like the sort of message you'd want to get from me. And I was fine, so I'd just watch my back for a while. And this isn't helping at all, is it?"  Dorian said, shaking his head as he listened to himself. "I'll call you. From now on, I'll call you." It wouldn't be that bad. Maybe Mathias would laugh at him, but it'd be better than storing it away and never speaking of it again.

"Bro. Stop - listen to yourself for a minute," Mathis told him, leaning forward. "First of all, do you really think that I wouldn't want to hear about what you've been up to?" he asked, sceptically. "And, okay, so I'd probably bitch you out for getting yourself messed up - and I wanna know when the hell you broke your arm, don't you think I'm letting that shit slide-" he added. "-But, come on, you really, actually think that I wouldn't want to hear that anyways?"

"No. Sometimes I just didn't wanna tell you," Dorian said, head tilting to the side slightly. "Your stupid younger brother gets his ass kicked and you think he's gonna call you up and brag about it? As much as I'd like to always come away with exciting stories where I'm fucking awesome, that's not exactly the case. And sometimes I just felt guilty for getting myself into it in the first place." Guilt. Guilt sucked.

"You could call me up and bitch about it," Mathias shrugged. And then frowned. "Guilty?" he asked. "Why?"

"People could've gotten hurt. I could've gotten hurt. When it's just me, it's one thing, but I don't really like to bring down trouble on those around me. I'm not always alone when things get started and then what do you do about people that just get in the way?" That was something Dorian had always had a bit of trouble with. One, he couldn't protect everyone. Two, those he couldn't protect, was it his fault they were hurt in the first place?

Mathias nodded in agreement, then reached for his beer. "And now we get right to the heart of the issue," he said. "And I hate to have to say it, bro, but there's nothing you can do about that. Not unless you chose where you are and who you know very carefully." Like he did. He had to, because anyone who knew him? Automatically risked getting hurt - unless they were one of his careful choices of practically untrackable people. The 'safe' group - the friends and acquaintances he kept that nobody could trace back to him. And when he was with them, he was on his best behaviour. He would go out of his way to avoid trouble. And if it found him? If there was even a hint that trouble was in the area? Mathias left - and made damn sure that he appeared on the radar somewhere else. Of course, in that situation, it generally meant that he lost of friend, because he was also then in the habit of ditching them entirely for a couple of years. Which never went down well. But his intentions were good - even if he didn't tell them what they were.

"So what do I do here?" he asked, frustrated with that answer because he didn't live like Mathias. He could see how his brother could handle it, but he didn't have the same options available to him. "Do I just not meet people? Or do I only meet people that I think can handle anything I bring along with me? I can't avoid everyone, and the 'where' part is kind of solid. In fact, the 'where' is part of the problem, considering what I've seen here, but that also means everyone here was in danger before I even arrived." That didn't get him out of worrying about them, though. It only made them much more susceptible to trouble when he was around.

Mathias shrugged casually and took a long drink of his beer. "So, if the trouble was already here, why feel guilty? Not your fault, is it?" he suggested with a look on his face that hinted that he was posing that specific question in that specific tone for a purpose.

"I don't know. I can't decide if it's more likely to hit when I'm around, or if it would attack anyways. It's hard to tell in a place like this," Dorian said, not sure how he felt about that. "I guess it's not. I mean, how would you react if someone got attacked while you were here?"

"Someone has been attacked - several someones if you read the paper," Mathias pointed out. "Not to mention Caleb's run in with a vampire. Though, to be fair, that was before I got here. But I assume what you're actually asking is how would I feel if I was involved in a fight and someone I knew got hurt, right?"

"Yes," Dorian sighed. He still felt partially to blame for Caleb's vampire attack, though that was on a different, much more personal level. As his brother, he could have prepared him. He could have taught him enough about vampires to know what to expect. Caleb was just as likely to find trouble as Dorian and Mathias. The only thing Dorian could have done to prevent that was not bring him to Marquette, and that had been out of his hands completely.

"Okay," Mathias nodded. "First off, I'd know that I'd already done what I could to keep them out of it, to keep them safe and the wolves from their door. If that couldn't be avoided, I'd know that I'd done everything in my power to protect them and stop them from getting hurt." He thought of what had gone down with Caleb, doing a hypocrisy check, but Caleb had been different - that had been trying to protect him. Trying to protect him from getting himself killed - sure, he'd been hurt, but in the scheme of things, considering the guy's attitude, Mathias thought that it had been a calculated risk. Still thought that, even now when he knew that Caleb was capable of taking care of himself. "Dorian, even if you enjoy the fight, or the drama, or whatever it is you enjoy, that enjoyment doesn't mean that you don't give a damn, or that you're a bad person. And if people get hurt? That's not your fault, just because you enjoy it," Mathias stressed to him. "You start thinking that and there's no good place to go from there."

Dorian was silent as he let that sink in, needing to hear those words of wisdom more than he could have ever thought he would. It had been his fear for so long, that he'd hurt someone in his pursuel of a little bit of mischief. The fact that he could enjoy something, while someone else could end up in the hospital, always seemed so wrong. It was hard to swallow all the guilt and the blame, yet still admit he enjoyed it, so he just... stopped. He'd stopped owning up to anything that he didn't like the answer to, even if it meant suppressing a portion of his personality that couldn't stand to be bottled up. "Okay," he said, nodding in agreement. It was a hard truth to swallow, considering he'd been living his life completely different up till then.

Mathias raised an eyebrow. "Okay?" he asked, slowly. "Just... okay?" He looked a little askance. "Throw me a bone here, bro - lemme in on what's going through your head right now."

Dorian took a deep breath, nodding a little more. "I think you're right. I think I have issues with denial and a warped point of view, and I need to work on that. And. I want you to be right. Because I don't know what to do otherwise. I don't know how to be something I'm not and actually stay sane long term." After all, college had allowed him to work with things far more than he could now. Marquette was home, at least for a while, and he couldn't keep on with things as they were, not without more instances of idiotic fights with his brothers. Dorian preferred not to repeat that morning's drama ever again.

"Eh, that's fine - and of course I'm right," he shot his brother a beaming smile. "I'm always right, remember?" he teased, wondering if that particular joke was ever going to get him punched by his brother. Probably not, knowing Dorian.

Punched, no, but that was because Dorian would rather not do something that obvious in public. Kicked in the shin? Hell yes, but at least he could smile as he did it. "Smart ass," he said, with a little smirk. "You're not gonna let me live that down, are you?" It didn't help that Mathias was right, once again.

Mathias hadn't actually been expecting that - but he took it well, wincing slightly and reaching for another cigarette. "Brat - and no. Never. You think I should? Give me one good reason?" he joked - there was a way this went, after all.

As the middle child, Dorian didn't mind being called a brat. In fact, there were times he knew he was quite capable of living up to the name. He smiled sweetly, as he had as a child, and thought of an answer. "Next time I'll do more than kick you," Dorian promised. He'd never really hurt Mathias over it; it was his own fault for bringing it up in the first place, his own fault for thinking it.

"You said that last time," Mathias reminded him. He took a pull on his cigarette. "Okay - seriously. Are we good?" he asked, really wondering that. He hadn't expected this morning to go the way it had done. he was still thrown by that.

"We're good," Dorian confirmed with a small nod. "I'm sorry about this morning. I was completely out of line. But could maybe not take Caleb out to get beat up next time?" he asked, raising a brow. This time he wasn't insinuating that that was the purpose, but asking if he'd work a little harder to make sure Caleb didn't look like he was getting beaten at home. He'd been in a bad mood before they'd arrived home, but seeing Caleb like that hadn't helped at all.

"You weren't completely out of line - you were right that I should have talked to you before taking him. He's your responsibility. It won't happen again," Mathias promised. "I'm sorry - I didn't think. But I can honestly tell you that it won't happen again," he assured his brother.

"Thank you," Dorian said, feeling considerably better just to know he had to right to be upset, even if he'd taken it to an extreme. It made him uncomfortable thinking he'd been completely wrong about everything. This still didn't fix the fact that he'd misjudged the situation. He wasn't sure what to do there. He'd been so sure he was right, but if he was, then they were determined to continue lying to him. "So, is there any way I can talk you into coming home?" Dorian asked, pressing the issue again. He was pretty sure the answer was no at this point, but he wanted to ask. It just seemed wrong that Mathias would be staying in a motel in the town that he lived in.

Mathias gave him a look. "No - told you already, that place of yours just isn't big enough. If I'm gonna be staying in Marquette for a while, then I have to do it elsewhere." Which was as close as Mathias would ever come to admitting he was going to be hanging around.

Dorian sighed, but didn't fight him this time. The only way he could free up more space would be to throw Tensiel out, and he didn't feel like he could do that. Instead he tried to hide his disappointment by taking another sip of his beer. He'd ruined something today, something they'd had going since he started college, and he couldn't help but regret it. "So where are you staying?" he asked. Once again he was rethinking the house issue and how much work it would take to get rid of it.

"Motel at the edge of town - just for now. I'll find somewhere else soon enough," Mathias shrugged, sure that he would - give it a few days and he'd have a floor to crash on at the very least. He was good at that kind of thing.

"Why don't you take my room," Dorian suggested. "I have a friend I can stay with." He was sure Eury would let him crash at her place for a while, and if not, then he'd find somewhere else to stay. Or something.

That had Mathias totally surprised - flabbergasted, in fact. "Bro. No. Hell no. I am not having you move out of your own house for me. So put your little ideas back into your head. For a start, dude - you want to leave me in charge of Caleb? Cos, really, that's what you'd be doing. And living with Tensiel without you there to stop us coming to blows??? Think before you make an offer, dude. Really." He shook his head. "Dorian - I'm fine. I'm a big boy, I've handled worse. I don't need a bed to sleep in. This is me we're talking about. Drop. It. I'm not coming back, you're not moving out. If you really want to do me a favour, introduce me to your friend and see if I can stay with him."

"No," Dorian said, answering far faster than he'd meant to, but he would not put Mathias up in Eury's house. "I just wouldn't be comfortable doing that to her," he said, backing out of it and giving up. It wasn't about the bed. It certainly wasn't about Mathias handling worse. It was about the fact that he'd made his brother feel unwelcome in his home. Mathias could leave and he wouldn't even know it. And all the little bit of time he might have spent with him before was about to get that much smaller. "That's fine, I guess," he said, really having nothing else to contribute. He had no other friends to offer.

Her. Right, well that explained the swift answer then. if you asked Mathias, he'd say that it wasn't his fault that women seemed to like him more than his brother. Dorian had lots of remarkable qualities - and Mathias didn't generally go out of his way to take them from him. Honestly, he hadn't done that in over ten years. "It's fine," Mathias agreed. Because, no, there was nothing else to say.

This was not how he'd hoped this would end, but at least they were talking. That was better than it could be, he supposed. The sinking feeling in his stomach would leave eventually and Dorian finished the beer, hoping to help it along. "I'll see you around then," Dorian said, trying not to seem as uncomfortable as he felt.

Mathias finished off his beer. "So, would I be being a pain if I came round for dinner every night?" he asked, not wanting to cut ties completely. "You could just tell me if people aren't gonna be around, but I'd like to if you are..."

"No, you wouldn't be a pain," Dorian said, frustration rising. "I don't know how much more clearly I can say that I want you to be around. Yes, come to dinner. Ten promised she wouldn't poison you if you came," Dorian said, rolling his eyes. Even Tensiel would have liked to see Mathias stay, even if they didn't get along.

"Angel wouldn't poison me," he said with confidence - sure that if Ten was going to attempt to kill him, she'd want to do so face to face. Stabbing, maybe - just so she could twist the knife. Or stealing his baby brother - which could be even more painful. "Okay, dinner then. Even if it's just pizza on the sofa," Mathias laughed, not wanting to put anything too formal in place that they'd all loathe and would just create more work.

"Oh, don't expect anything fancy from me," Dorian said, "I've turned over dinner to Ten, and all she's mastered is sandwiches thus far, though she said they'll let her try for soup sometime soon." Soup and sandwiches Dorian could live on. If he could manage it, so could Caleb and Mathias, though he wouldn't mind springing for pizza on occasion. "You're always welcome," Dorian reassured him. "Even if I'm not around."

"Cool - I'll be there then," Mathis agreed, reaching into his pocket and counting out enough bills to cover. "Will you tell Caleb? I think he's kinda worried I'm gonna skip town on him - kid's got abandonment issues," he said with a smile that didn't quite reach his eyes as he set the bills down on the table, stubbing out the ned of his cigarette in the ashtray.

Caleb wasn't the only one who'd been worried about Mathias skipping town, but Dorian didn't say so. "Sure, I'll tell him," Dorian said, standing as well. "I think he's going out tonight, but I'll let him know as soon as I see him." They had to cross occasionally, living in the same house. "I'll see you soon then?" Dorian said, just checking in. Dinner tonight wouldn't be necessary. There were other things he needed to get in order anyways.

"You'll see me soon - tomorrow, believe it or not," Mathias promised, standing up. "And if you need me, you know where I am. You have my cell, and I've checked into the Venture - room 306."

"Got it," Dorian said, storing the motel and room number away for future reference. Mathias was fairly reliable when it came to his cell phone, even if the number changed frequently. He could always call. Always, he needed to remember. "Take care then. Stay out of trouble," he said with a small smirk.

"As much as I ever do," Mathias joked. "And you too, bro. You too," he added, before picking up his jacket from the back of the chair and heading out.