explanations

Who: Doc and Syn
Where; Syn's guard post (the porch)
When: 10 PM

Another day had passed, unfortunately it was only the second. Still, for a handful of people thrown together by sheer circumstance (and Doc being stubborn), they were doing well. Not that he could take the credit, of course. Eva had gotten him and Eddie here alive, Seph and Syn had kept the house safe, Kurt worked well enough with them to keep any gaps in security plugged when one of them needed sleep... even Eddie had bailed Doc out in the initial trip here. All of them were gelling as best as anyone could hope in such a short time, with Doc and Natalya running supplies or food when they could. The low level of help he could offer had left Doc with plenty of time to think, a situation he was familiar with lately, and he knew that wasting that time was foolish.

When he hadn't been checking on people or running fresh rounds of ammo, he'd been doing just that: thinking. Sitting in the basement with a pack of cigarettes and Voltaire, quiet and contemplative about the lessons he could learn from where he was now, about the choices he might make after all of this was said and done, and about the talk he'd promised Syn he would have with her. By rights, he should've had Seph there for it too, but information flowed between the twins like water. Not to mention that lately? He and Seph had been good; really secure with each other's presence. Maybe he imagined it, but it seemed concrete to him, the trust that had been forged between them. So for now he'd sit with his daughter, he'd be the level of 'honest' that normally made him flinch, and he'd feel better when it was over.

That's the plan at least, Doc told himself as he left the basement behind, bustling through the kitchen to grab a plate of pizza slices. He had, under Seph's instructions, managed to only crisp the multiple pizzas a little, running the majority downstairs to everyone in the basement. The rest was for the lookouts, and after a quick stop on the back porch Doc came out of the front, cardboard disc balanced on one hand, and his ninth cup of coffee gripped tight in the other. "Kiddo," he greeted Syn, "I come bearing dinner and bullets, your favorite combination."

Syn looked up and smiled a touch. "You know me so well." she said. "Thank you." She hadn't actually been eating a whole lot, at least not regularly, so the food actually smelled pretty damn good. So she reached out to grab one, flicking her wrist to click the chambers of her gun back into place. They were at a lull again. Teddy had the timing worked out pretty well and there was even a little countdown clock on the laptop screen, music playing softly.

Moving to sit next to her, Doc stretched carefully to set the rest of the pizza aside for the moment. Both his arm and shoulder were still sore, but he was healing fast enough to deal with the twinges of pain he got from the little stretch. "I'd share my coffee but I drink it black," he added, fishing out his cigarettes and settling one in his lips as a pacifier for the moment. "Doin' a damn fine job on all of this, Syn," he said initially, just wanting to let her know he approved of each and every step she'd taken thusfar.

"Thank you." she said again. She munched on her pizza, and kept her eyes scanning the darkness, before she looked back at Doc. She supposed this was a moment, then. One of those where they were going to have a talk moments. She knew she was owed, at any rate. Now was a decent time because it would be a bit before the shadows showed up again. Conversations tended to go better when they weren't punctuated with gunshots.

"So," Doc started quietly, letting his mug sit on the steps by one hightop, "Where should we begin?" He had a lot to explain, he knew, though none of it was explicitly bad. There was just plenty he should've confided in both Syn and Seph about by now, and whether it was directly problematic or not, it didn't make it right. "Why Eva's here? Why I had to run? Who I work for, maybe? Ask me anything you want, because otherwise I'm probably going to go off on one of those pseudo-enigmatic rambles I do and not actually say much in the way of content or substance," he said with a little self-deprecating wink.

Syn gave him a light half smile. "Can't have that. You know how tiring it is for me to remind you you haven't answered the questions." she said. Then she drew in a deep breath, letting it out slowly. She opted to go for the thing that was the most surface at current. "Explain to me the Eva situation." she decided. She tried not to sound quite so pissy as she was over it, but it leaked into her tone regardless. At least a little.

"Okay," Doc agreed, lighting up to cover a touch of his tension. "Yesterday when I was out and ran into trouble, I knew I couldn't leave Eddie behind. That meant getting somewhere safe, which, at that moment, meant Eva's. Now, I knew it was safe because I've talked to her since the whole thing with the jewelry. She called me a while ago, asking for a chance to apologize for what had happened... you know I think everyone deserves that much, at least, so I heard her out." He inhaled heavily, knowing he couldn't explain this without giving away the significance it held. "She knows that she fucked up, Syn. She knows it could've been a lot worse, and that we might've had to kill her if she didn't get better. She put all of us at risk with what she did, but... she was going to find out how bad things could be some day."

He sat forward a bit, idly rolling the glowing tip of his cigarette against a callused finger for just a moment, narrowing the cigarette's ember to a point. "After we talked, I was willing to just let it be. She learned her lesson, we'd be done, live and let live. And... I started thinking about your brother, about what happened before we came here. How, when something went wrong, I locked him up at first. How I passed judgment in the blink of an eye and realized that I was wrong down the road. And how, even when we first brought him home, I tried to be detached from it, to just be there without dealing with him. Now I'm not saying it's the same, not even close to the same, I'm just saying that after fifty years of trusting my gut and listening to whatever I think is the most practical decision, I'm finally realizing how often I get it wrong."

So she apologized to you. Awesome. Nevermind she could have completely destroyed what little family there is left here. Nevermind that at all. Just you. Excellent. 'Sorry I beat you to shit'. Went through Syn's mind, but she didn't break into things, letting Doc talk. Another flare up of anger hit at some of the rest of it, and she was silent for a good three minutes after he had lapsed into it himself. She spun the barrel of her revolver, and clicked it back into place about six times before she managed to say anything. When she did, her voice was low. Soft. Not at all happy. "'She was going to find out how bad things could be some day'. That's what you have to say about it? And you think the worst that could have happened was she could have had to have been put down? Not at all that she beat you to holy fucking hell. And you know what? Seph and I can't take that kind of damage like you can. Back when that was going on? I don't know what I was capable of. If I could have done what I did to save Seph. And he can't with me. So if all you're thinking of is guilt over having to put her down like we would do anyone else, and not even bothering to look at the bigger implications here? Says yeah, Doc, you don't know shit about what you're talking about." she said. "Or maybe you just don't want to. Honestly--I don't care. It doesn't matter. She knows she fucked up. Well good for her. She did. She put all of us at risk, you say, so somehow you get at least a little of that, but she hasn't said word one to me or my brother. Not for what she did in the first fucking place, not for what she did to you. Nothing." she stopped again, needing a second to keep herself from actively shouting, but she did well with keeping her voice low. "What happened with Seph is entirely different than what happened with that woman. Seph is family. You did what you thought was right, and yes, it was a bad call, but he was still family. You fixed it as well as possible. Being wrong about him is slightly different than being wrong about some woman you haven't even known for what...six months? And one who flat out fucked everyone over, just because she couldn't resist the fucking shinies?"

Doc listened quietly, feeling that his initial instinct was right; this was one of those talks he'd flinch his way through. "She hasn't said one word to you or Seph because I wanted to first," Doc admitted, head hanging and turning so he could look at Syn. "And I'm sorry, I didn't... I don't mean this to come off as light as I'm making this sound. I wanted to start slow, and to talk through it with you. I just didn't know it was all going to go like this. That doesn't mean I'm going to back off now that it's not going how I hoped." Sighing low and long, Doc scooted in his seat next to Syn to face her better before he went on. "When I was stuck in the basement, and I asked you two to just monitor her movements? I just... I didn't want you getting close because I knew you could've been hurt. I would empty a clip into her before I let either of you get hurt, Syn. I would let every person in this city die before I let anything happen to you two. It's selfish, and I know, but I don't care about that. I care about you. My rules keep changing on me, they keep fucking me harder, making me jump through more hoops. Every now and then, they teach me a lesson. This last one? It was guilt. Because I blame myself for everything."

He paused to reach for a new cigarette, looking at the pack for a long moment before crushing it in his fist and tossing it out into the yard. "I hate what I've done with my life, Synnove. No matter what you feel about what I'm saying, believe me there. I love the chance I've been given here, but I'll never think I deserve it. Not ever. I broke your mother in ways she never should've felt, I never let anyone tell me who I was because I showered enough bullshit guilt on myself that I could hide from it. And I am trying to stop," he said emphatically, looking up at her with the most uncertainty Doc would likely let anyone see. "I'm trying to feel like I deserve this. Maybe that means I have to forgive people for what they do wrong, so I don't blame myself, I don't know. I know that's what I wanted for Eva, a chance for her to try and make amends to you and your brother. But past that, this isn't about my guilt, not any more. It's about you, it's about your brother, it's about my family. A friend told me... 'you're a great deal of things you've forgotten about', and it's true. I used to feel, even if it was just for a little while before everything went wrong, like I'd earned the right to be your dad. And I feel like I forgot that... I want to fix it." He looked out across the yard, breathing deep and wishing he hadn't thrown his cigarettes, then looked back at Syn. "You're right," he admitted, "I don't know what any of this is like for you or your brother. I see it all from my seat, and I think that you'll be patient like I am, or over-forgiving, or willing to let someone beat you to shit because they made you feel like you wanted something for yourself again. So just help me, please. I've been dropped back to square fucking one on the path to understanding, and I'm too tired to do it all again myself."

"What do you need help with?" Syn asked first. She listened to the rest of it, of course. Had commentary on quite a lot of it. But it got cut out with that last bit. "Exactly, what's the bare bones, bottom line, base level issue? Or issues. Where are you standing and what don't you understand?" she asked. It took precedence. It really did. Everything else would wait for a minute.

"I need to find what I forgot," Doc said simply, "I lost that feeling, that sense that I could balance it all, that I could do the Atlas and hold everything up. And I think... that's good. I don't think I should spend my life feeling like I'm the one who keeps the world in check, because I'm lying to myself. But without that? I don't feel like I can keep anything straight any more. Like there's a part of me that wants to work this thing with Eva out, and it says I can forgive anything. And there's this other part that says that the most crucial pieces to my existence are right here, that everything else can fuck off. And I don't think there's any way those two can reconcile, is there? Because that's what it really comes down to, reconciling what I am now with what I want to be, or what I want with what I need."

Syn thought about what he was saying. And, she was a psych major. So, as he spoke a lot of little things fell into place in her mind, mixing with her own personal views of the world and everything in it. Syn took a few moments to formulate her answer, and then started speaking. "You want to let go, but you've got control issues, so letting go isn't quite comfortable for you. If you're not trying to take responsibility for the entire world, then you don't know how to do the little things. They don't add up, though, and that's what you're missing. One doesn't equate or negate the other. And if you're giong to be living your life, if you're going to give up that grand orchestrator idea in your mind, you have to learn to relax more than you do. Not everything balances. That's just how it is, and it's not your job to keep it all balanced. Especially not in your personal life, which has a lot more complications than hunting, or...what else you're doing." She paused for a moment, thinking more before continuing. "There's a part of you that wants to reconcile with Eva, or you do want to? Answer that for yourself first. Seph and I'll be around regardless. I told you before that we'd be gone if you and he couldn't work things out and you've managed that in a satisfactory manner, so that danger's gone. I would definitely say that your relationship with her and the family life here are not going to be compatible things, but that remains to be seen. And still won't matter until you figure out what you really want with her. And why you want it. Is it just because you feel like you're supposed to be changing your world view, and you want to test it out on her? Or is it really about her? Don't follow through if it's just about you, and proving something to yourself. Don't make her into a tool to alter yourself. If you want her because you want her, then that's the end of that story. But from what you're saying...I can't tell if that's the case."

He gave a humorless chuckle as he listened, nodding. "How'd you get so smart?" Doc asked rhetorically, reaching over to give Syn's shoulder a little squeeze before going on. "The trick of it all? The real burn? Is that now it is my job to balance it. Last week Syn, I went to Africa... I told a monster how to survive, because I needed to. And that's not here or there, it's just that I feel like I need to find a way to strike two balances. My 'job', I can do. I get what I have to do for it, I deal with the way it makes me feel because it needs to be done. My life, though? It's hard to let go of the reins, to feel like I can just accept what happens. I still want to butt in on you and your brother, do the whole cryptic wisdom thing, but I know I shouldn't all the time. So... I think I have that right. I feel like the three of us, we're pretty good right now. But Eva..."

He couldn't deal with the fidgets any more, and with a stern look aimed at the yard Doc felt for his pitched pack of cigarettes on will alone, yanking them to his hand. It was a waste of power, he'd probably get a split scar or three, but he didn't want to pull away from his daughter in this earnest moment, and space was a buffer Doc relied on too often. "I don't know that I want to reconcile, per se. She's a good person, even after all of this. I believe that because I got to know her, and I still believe it even after what she did. If things had gone worse, maybe I wouldn't feel that way, but your mom and I and the others always used to think that what we do, the lives we save, it's all so people can have the chance to do better, to make their lives and their own personal worlds better. I think that even if I never saw Eva again after this, she'd do that with her own life. I want a chance to see that, if it happens. But I won't put it before you or your brother, I'd never dream of it. I just... liked being around her, liked how it made me feel, even if I was biting back ninety percent of what I am. I hadn't gone to dinner and just talked with someone since before I started hunting, and it felt so natural with her. I wanted something comfortable with her, and I had it for a while. Maybe it's not meant to stay... I've never pretended otherwise."

"You're talking about everything in the past tense. You liked spending time with her, all that. Not current. Are you just trying to chase what you had before everything went to hell? Because you know as well as anyone, Doc, the pieces don't ever get put back together again the same way they were before." Syn said, sighing. "Not only that but you're still likening it to what it means to you. And it isn't even necessarily about her. You liked what she did for you. You liked--I'm gathering--the normalcy involved with her. So from what I hear, it's what she represents, not her. Regardless...you do whatever you want to do on the subject of her. There isn't anything else I can quite say or do, and my opinion on the matter doesn't matter in the long run anyhow. I don't approve. I think she fucked up. I think that it's fine to forgive her. But I also think that what she did quite clearly says what kind of person she is, and there's no getting around that part of it. What could have happened aside, because it didn't, she still, at the end of the day, completely ignored you, and put everyone at risk. And all because she wanted the pretties. Not exactly the best statement about a person. I could get into it more but I don't think you need me to." She looked out at the yard, then back to him. "But it's not about me. I'm not going to make you choose between she and I, and Seph wouldn't either. If you're going to be getting involved with her, then get involved with her. Our opinions on things don't dictate your behavior, so don't lay that on us, either. I appreciate that our stance on things is important to you, and I'm glad that it matters. But at the end of the day what we think shouldn't hold sway over what you choose to do with your personal life. It's yours, you do what makes you happy. Just warn me if you're bringing her home, so I can be elsewhere." she said.

"Are you going to fill me in on the work-slash-keeping the balance thing you just mentioned?" she asked, a clear sort of subject change. She didn't know if he would take it, because she said a whole lot on the other subject, which he could definitely comment on. She just didn't want to let the other point go either.

"I am," Doc said, answering her question first, "Eventually. But you've got to understand, past tense is all I have to go off of right now. Since things went to hell, there hasn't been anything else. And I do know nothing goes back to how it was, Syn, that's why I haven't just rushed right back to her. I've been thinking about it, wondering how it would be now, and I can't even guess. That's why I asked for your opinion." He smiled stubbornly, winking at Syn. "I know it's not all dependent on you or Seph, but if I wanted her to try and make amends first, would you blame me? Would you think I was wrong for wondering how she might do in the face of that stubborn streak you and Seph both have? Because I'm curious, Syn. You're both sharp, you can argue a point like no one's damn business, but you're not so full of yourself that you can't concede if someone else is right. All I'm saying is that, as of right now, I don't know what I'm going to do about her, okay? I wanted to make sure she'd be safe."

He huffed out a breath, rolling his neck to pop it and sitting up a bit straighter. "So... my job?" he asked, looking over to Syn again with a thoughtful look. "Not exactly the best one in the world. Which, y'know, War, I should've seen that coming. But at first it was okay; I'd go out, end up in Tokyo or Dublin or Berlin, get into a little chaos, and come home. It was a pretty simple routine; find a person who was about to make a choice that could tip the scales, make sure they knew they had a choice. Sometimes it was even simpler, I'd find them, learn about them, and choose what I thought the scales needed. It's not good for my ego..." He had a momentary smile, one that faded quickly with more serious thoughts. "When the vamps hit, when you saved Seph, things got complicated. I forced a deal with my boss to get out of the basement early; I become solid, I make sure you're both okay, I help clear the leeches out of town. In exchange I pay a price. The mood I was in, just wanting to get to you two? I didn't have to waste a second on it. So you know what happened then, we flushed the town clear, I went all ghostish again. And... my boss called. She told me the rules were changing, that I lived too long being able to just strike down my problems. No direct action, that was the price. No fighting, no shaping, no nothing outside of words. And it killed me, because it means that when I find the scum out there? The people who have someone beat to death just to save a bullet? I talk to them, I do what I can to shift their path towards something... sustainable, because the world needs them. It needs the murderers and the monsters, and now I'm the one who redirects them."

I still think the Eva stuff is all you reacting to things that have nothing to do with her, that she's a focus for it, but it's not really about her and that's not good. Syn thought, but she had sort of already said that, and didn't want to harp on it when she'd just told him his decisions were his own. She'd meant every word of that, and wasn't going to be going back on it now. When he finished his bit about Eva, she nodded, wondering if Doc was still going to have Eva try and talk with them. Though really if it was because of Doc's say so, Syn didn't especially want to hear it. Anything honestly catalysted by 'I was told to do this' wasn't on the level in the first place, as far as she was concerned.

Listening to the rest of it, she carefully took everything in, and milled it over in her head. She was silent for a really long time as she absorbed it all, entered all of it into her world view. "Okay." she said, pausing after a moment, not quite sure of her ground. This was all pretty new, now wasn't it? "You said before that balance is your job, yes?" she asked, though she didn't need the clarification. "And you're talking about the monsters in the world, and how they're necessary. Out of curiosity--are you still viewing the world from the perspective of someone who wants good to prevail?" she asked, looking over at him and meeting his eyes. She knew that kind of had little to do with what they were talking about, it was just something she was picking out of his words and everything with them. So, she had to ask.

"Ideally? In a perfect world? Sure, it'd be nice," Doc answered, but there wasn't much enthusiasm in his answer. "But I haven't looked at the world like that in a while now, really." Not since I saw what happens when the good guys win. Which was a hard thought to hide when she was reading his gaze like that, but Doc was trying. He couldn't bring himself to speak the truth of all that, of what he witnessed to know how fragile reality was, and to ensure it'd be here for his kids. "I believe in the balance I'm supposed to keep, I think it's as strong for me as almost anything can be. But sometimes it's hard to really grasp it, especially when you see someone with no idea of it all and you meet them, talk to them, know things they don't even tell you... and you tell them the future's going to be ugly. Sometimes it's worse because they don't care." Doc frowned, lips pursing thin as he struggled to work out his thoughts on the enormity of it all. "There's a lot of pitfalls to it, and the subtle ones are the deepest. Like, I walk around with this idea that anyone can balance themselves, can strike up the fine line in their own lives. But they can't. They have to be monsters, or victims, or soldiers who know they can't win their war. And the rational part of me gets that, but the little shred of optimism I hang onto? It just won't believe it, and some days I wonder if that shred's worth keeping."

Syn was again silent for a long while as she thought about everything. But then, she usually did that, so it wasn't unusual. "Are you saying that things are decided for everyone? That destiny is predetermined? That no one can change?" she asked. "Or are you saying that certain people are the lynchpins in the universe, that only they are set where they have to be, or where they need to be, and there isn't any balance for them?" she asked. She always had hated the idea that there was no changing fate. That everything was decided for her and she was following some script.

Doc shook his head, never a fan of the idea of destiny or fate guiding people along. "Not exactly. I'm saying most people out there? Don't want the balance, and that's what's so fucked up about the job sometimes. They want what's easy or familiar or the most instantly satisfying. No one says 'I want to be the victim', but they do tell themselves they aren't strong enough to change their circumstances, or that it'd be too unpleasant a chance to take on an uncertain thing. We all always have a choice, every single one of us. Even if it's to choose to buy into destiny, to walk down a road drawn out by someone else. Vampire or human or whatever, no one has to be what the world sees at a glance. I just wish more people realized that and took their chances instead of denying the very idea that things can change, that things do change every moment."

Syn paused. "Okay. If the defining factor of the universe is it needs balance, wouldn't it mean that it's necessary for people not to be? For there to be good and evil influences, if everyone was a neutral source, wouldn't that...level the playing board?" she asked curiously, mind ticking along on things. She recognized that Doc might not know, either, but she wanted to ask.

"I can't say for sure," Doc answered, shaking his head slightly. "All I know is that, whether I like it or not, sometimes those people not choosing to change keeps things going. As much as I wish everyone was strong enough to try, it's probably good that they aren't... which is fucked up. But right now, those alternating outlooks keep things wobbly, but balanced. And for all my bitching and griping and existential uncertainty, that's what matters. Everything else? I suppose I need to try and separate the work from the personal. Keep my doubts for me and stop projecting them onto my job, because I'm good at the job when I get past all of this. Even the stuff i don't like, I'm handling. And for all the fucked up parts of it, I still want it. It still feels right to me."

"Well if it feels right, then yeah. Keep that." Syn said, wondering what would happen if he did suddenly say he was going to quit. Could he even get out of something like that? She had no idea. She didn't especially want to find out, just in case she didn't like the answer. "So, you need to separate work and personal...have you been feeling like both have been mixing together?" she asked.

"More than a feeling," Doc crooned for half a second, smirking and nodding his answer. "They sort of stacked on top of each other for a while there. How do you think I got in all this trouble in the first place?" He chuckled humorlessly, thinking of the domino effect events had led into. "Things with Eva got me stuck in the basement, and when the leeches hit? I cut a deal with my boss for personal reasons, it affected my work, which in turn has spilled back into my personal. And here we are," Doc finished, spreading his hands expansively at the open yard in front of them. "I really miss being able to shoot something, but that's the lesson here. Or one of them. I can't fight every fight, when I do I let my two lives run together and everything gets messy. So I'm learning to sit back, to let go of the reins, to do a lot of the things we've been talking about, in fact. I just like a sounding board whenever I'm reworking how I live, and you're damned good at it."

Syn actually smirked a little at that, and she looked at him out of the corner of her eye. "That's what I get for being a psych major." she said. "I'm glad I help. It sounds like you have things worked out more or less. And I get where you're talking about the backlashes between your work and personal life. I guess I would only caution against trying to force a separation, since it's a part of you and who you are, meaning you can't cut it out entirely when it comes to us, or her. What's your boss say to all of this? Or haven't they called back?"

"She doesn't call," Doc explained, "She just shows up when she feels like it, walks Voltaire sometimes... And she hasn't come around since I was all intangible, but I think this is part of what she was trying to teach me, even if she didn't say so." He mused on that, wondering if Star was, in fact, pleased with the insights he'd gained since their last meeting. "She wanted me to be more than just a warrior again, and she was right to. I haven't used my brain for non-tactical shit in far too long. But I think she also wanted me to realize that just because one of my names is War now, it's not the only one. I'm Eric, I'm Dad, I'm Doc. All of them deserve some time at the helm, and when it's their turn I need to try and let it just be their turn."

Syn leaned back on one arm. "You're getting lessons?" she asked, amused at that. "And...she walks the dog?" that was...incredibly weird. Yeah. She really couldn't land on anything beyond 'weird'. "So, she's your boss, and your teacher." she said. "...and how well are you taking being a student again?" she had to ask.

"They aren't always direct lessons, per se. Sometimes we just talk, and when she leaves I sit and think on what we talked about. Not sleeping is good for that, there's always time to think." He smirked again, fishing out a non-crushed cigarette to replace his old one and lighting up. Doc didn't try to think too hard on his relationship with Star sometimes, it was far too contradictory of a beast. He made his own rules, but he served her. He answered to neither Heaven or Hell, but she could inflict punishments on him. And perhaps most importantly, he didn't care about the fight between God and the Devil, only the aspect of it that she represented. "But people like me? We're never supposed to stop learning. We're always students, even if eventually it's only to what's inside us. Still, I'll admit it, it was a little weird having an actual boss again, but I'm okay with it. She's got a perspective no one else can have. I have my worries sometimes, but I think it'd be a bigger problem if I didn't have them."

"It's got to at least be a bit daunting. To have not only a perceived higher purpose, but one that's been laid out for you with clear definitions like an actual job." Syn mused. She also brought the revolver up as another shadow appeared, and she pegged it off. "Do you feel watched all the time, or is there not that sort of pressure with it?" she asked. Obviously, his 'boss' had to be paying attention somehow, but yeah. She was curious.

"Well, I know she's watching, but she has a lot to keep an eye on, so it's not like she's peeking in on me constantly. If I screw something up bad enough? I can expect to hear from her. Otherwise, you wouldn't know she existed except for my stories about her. She doesn't just watch me, though. It's us, all of us. Maybe someday she'll seek out you and Seph." Doc had to chuckle as the bullet ripped through the shade and impacted dully with a streetlight beyond it. "And it's definitely a little daunting when you know the stakes riding on it all, what can happen if we let things slide or cause too much change. It's a constant reminder for humility, an echo that tells me 'don't change the whole world, old man. It's been working fine, just keep it working fine.'. "

Syn wondered what that might be like...getting spoken to by Doc's boss. Interesting, she was sure. Possibly a bit on the insane side. She wondered how her brother would take something like that. "I suppose that's a huge switch for you, isn't it?" she asked, looking at him again. "Going from trying to make a difference in the world to just trying to keep it the same?" she asked. He seemed to be doing fine with the mentality switch. Maybe there wasn't one, and she was reading in wrong.

Doc nodded at the question, sitting back like Syn with an arm stretching behind him. "Sometimes. It slides, I've found. At first, it was hardly a change. I was out there getting in scraps, doing work I hadn't done in years. Other times, it's the polar opposite: I'm just there to see what happens, to watch change start. And lately it's right between the two, I still cause it, but gently. I like to think I'm setting the stage for others to do what I used to do myself, and that takes some faith from me. I have to believe someone will stand up and grit their teeth, that they'll be willing to endure everything between the sky and the ground for what they believe. That's not too hard to do, I think. If people like that weren't out there, we wouldn't have even gotten this far."

Nodding, Syn took that in. "So, you're getting to see the shades of humanity?" she asked. "Everything from the willingly weak to the unerringly strong?" she asked. "That's got to be something. Generally...you know me. I'm a little...cynical." To say the least. She was an artist who often times had no faith in humanity, but that was due to knowing just how fucking stupid a lot of it could be. What was it? A person is fine, but people were stupid, panicky animals? Something like that.

"I know you are," Doc agreed, winking briefly at Syn. "And you've got your reasons, for sure. But yeah, I see the full spread now. I always felt it before, that there were people out there I'd hate for what they were, and people out there who made me want to be better just by existing, but meeting them? Sometimes being their reason for making a difference? It's pretty powerful stuff, kiddo. Sometimes it drains me, others it makes me want to fly up past the clouds and congratulate whatever it was that set us all in motion on the first day. It always makes me thankful for what I have to come home to," he finished, leaning over to plant a little fatherly kiss on her hair, then knuckling his hand down to push back up to his feet. "Now eat your dinner, pizza helps you grow big and strong," Doc joked, nodding at the door. "I'm gonna grab us both some fresh coffee, then I'll come keep you company some more. Sound good?"

Syn laughed at that, smiling up at him. "Yes sir." she told him. And she dutifully took up another piece of the pizza. "Coffee is excellent, make sure it's strong, then yes, come back out. You know how much I love target practice, but this has gotten downright boring." she informed him. What with it being constant, yet tedious. Nothing really happened. Which was why they could sit there and have an in depth discussion on all things from his relationships to the balance of the universe without skipping a beat. "I'll be here." she added, firing off another shot before she took another bite of pizza.

Doc nodded approvingly as the gunshot rang out, closing his hand on the doorknob to head inside. "Do I make coffee any other way?" he asked rhetorically, yanking the door wide and ducking inside. Boring gunplay wasn't a bad thing, in Doc's mind. It meant that you had a better chance to survive, after all. And the talk was exactly what the two of them had needed, he figured. It mattered to him that the kids understand his life, what he did with it. It also helped to think that maybe he would ignore his urge to go and smooth things out with Eva and the kids, opting instead to wait, to give her or them a chance to move on it. Who knew, maybe they'd even find a way to reconcile. Doc chuckled over the unlikely thought as he moved inside, shrugging to himself. In a world like this, the unlikely events weren't so strange to behold. Hell, it's practically my second job.