Faking Alonetime

Who: Dean and Thia
Where: Manchester, England
When: Morning

After an incredibly full and exhausting day of touristy type things with Dean's family, Lullaby had been just tired enough to crawl into bed and completely crash out. She'd been tired anyways, after spending as much energy as she had trying to make sure Dean slept in. It had worked, but it left her drained for most of the day. Though holding Dean's hand for a lot of it helped, all he did was sustain her, he didn't put out enough energy to really recharge her back up a ton. Or, at least, not without prolonged exposure, which she was thinking sleeping had done. She was slightly better when he'd woken her up, when they decided that they were going to sneak out of the house before anyone else was awake, just so they could have a little bit of time together as opposed to being carted off for more group activities. So, they'd gone out. It was an overcast, rainy day, which was best for her, not having to deal with sunlight was a good idea. It was a little cool though, so she'd decided to wear his blue hoodie again. She was holding the umbrella for the two of them, as they walked down a path, going...wherever it was Dean was taking them.

Dean led them out from the footpath onto the road running through another housing estate, heading them towards what his mum had always referred to as 'pretend countryside'. There wasn't a whole lot of actual countryside around here, but there were areas of green where if you ignored the constant hum of the motorway, you could at least hope to suggest that you were alone. He'd just wanted to get them out of the house for a while. He was used to spending more time alone with her than they'd managed yesterday, and after everything the day before, he wanted some her-time.

Lullaby was of a similar mind, but then again, she generally was. She liked everyone else in the world just fine, but she started to get twitchy if she didn't get proper time alone with him. So this was nice, they didn't even have to be back at a set time, so she felt freer than before, when they'd had obligations to tend to after arriving. Or...after she woke up, anyways. She had things on her mind, but wasn't sure when she was going to actually start talking about them with him. Mostly because she wasn't sure she wanted to, even if she knew she should. And she would! But...yeah. That didn't mean she was chomping at the bit to get to it. "So where are we headed?" she asked.

"Out," Dean suggested, looking over at her. He paused, then cocked a small smile, upturning one corner of his mouth. "That was basically the idea, far as I'm concerned. But... Mostly just some kind of scrubby area that runs along the Mersey - we can pretend that it's not so hugely built up or anything there," he explained. He liked to be places where he could pretend that it wasn't so built up.

"Out, really?" Lullaby asked, laughing a touch. "My god, you're right!" she added, looking around. "So pretendy fields or something?" she asked. "Guess that answers that question. Scott was sort of suggesting that living in Marquette would be something to drive anyone nuts. I didn't think that you were overly insane over the lack of city-ness." She'd never gotten the impression from Dean at all on that score. He'd not complained about a lack of things to do. But then, they never actually seemed to be bored, either.

Dean shrugged. "Cities are noisy and overcrowded - full of people getting in the way and being generally annoying and irritating. I can live without that," he told her. "Don't listen to anything Scott says, he doesn't know what he'd talking about," Dean advised.

She quirked a smile at him. "I did learn to discount a lot of what he said..." Considering he seemed to have a low opinion of Dean, and that was just not right. "But then again he's pretty fourteen. I had to let myself get munched on a few times in Res Ev to not show him up on it. Somehow I think he'd bear a grudge against a girl who could kick his ass at a zombie game..." she mused.

Dean smirked. "Yeah, well, he's only just got out of that whole 'all girls have cooties' stage, right?" he suggested. "But yeah, we're going to pretendy fields - there'll be actual trees and hedgerows that aren't actually part of people's gardens and everything he told her with mock-amazement.

She started channeling out Dean as they walked, since she had his hand and everything. "Hey, all girls do have cooties. But so do boys. They seem to cancel each other out at some point, or people just build up an immunity." she teased. Then her eyes widened as she looked at him. "Oh my god, are you serious? Trees and things that are just...part of nature?" she gasped. "Wow! How amazingly awesome! Novel, even! I can't wait to see this crazy phenomena!"

"I know!" Dean exclaimed right back, matching her tone. "See, round here, people don't believe in that sort of thing. It's unnatural and against the scheme of things. Just to have things... wild and there." He shook his head, disapprovingly. "Plants and all fine and everything, but they need to be tamed - know their place," he advised, a twinkle in his eyes belying his words. He dropped the act and rolled his eyes instead. "It's not much, but it's the best we can do really - if you don't mind getting wet." Being that the grass would be long and soaked with the rain.

"Oh well of course, that's perfectly reasonable. Wild plants, you just never know what they're going to do. They're all crazy and unpredictable." she nodded sagely. Then she laughed. "I don't mind getting wet." she confirmed for him. "I know I'm sweet and everything but I'm not actually made of sugar and therefore will probably not melt. Unless of course, your silly british rain what clings to grass is weirdly corrosive to american girls. But I'm pretty sure I would have read about that somewhere if that were the case. I'm sure they'd have tons of websites about it at the very least!"

"Well, then you're probably safe - and if you start to melt, I'll just have to carry you, won't I?" Dean told her, not minding that idea in the least - it wasn't like they hadn't played that game before, after all.

"You'll have to!" she said, grinning at him. "Lucky for you, I'm portable." she added. She knocked her shoulder into his a touch as they kept walking, thinking by the time they got back, they might both need hot baths or something. But she was good with it, she still was looking forward to just getting to spend time with him on their own. "So did you come out to this place often?" she asked. "You and the boys find trouble around here or anything?" she asked.

"Sometimes - though not really with the lads. Mostly that'd be up at the field, the other way. Here - here I kinda generally came by myself," he admitted to her. "Maybe sometimes we'd come out here when we were younger, cos you can swim in the river by the weir, but yeah, not often." He'd spent a lot of time wandering here in the year before he moved to Marquette though, getting away whenever he could, just being by himself, away from it all.

"So, this is a you-place." she said, liking that, and it was possible it showed a bit on her features. "When did you come out here? When you needed space?" she asked figuring that was probably at least part of the case. It seemed like a place that was kind of out of the way. She thought to herself that that was one of the nicer points of Marquette--there were a thousand little places one could go to just be by oneself, and none of them were that far away.

"Space and kind-of-quiet," Dean told her. "Not that you can really get quiet-quiet here at all, but, yeah. It was away, and I didn't have to worry about doing anything by accident, or wanting to do shit on purpose. It just made things easier. Didn't have to deal with anything," he told her. He led them out of the housing estate back onto a narrow path, starting to get muddy in the rain.

She nodded, listening to that. So when things were getting worse. She remembered what he'd told her before, about everything. About how he'd been before getting sent to Marquette. She knew it had worried her before, and she hoped it never got back to where it had been. Luckily, she had a lot of confidence it wouldn't. Plus, if he started pulling that around her, she'd do her best to stop it. Even if she technically had to cheat to do it. "Sounds kind of peaceful." Though she was willing to bet he'd spent most of his time there angry or upset about things. Or maybe he just started that way and the place calmed him down. She didn't know, she could see it happening a few different ways.

"Yeah, kind of," he agreed. "But, yeah, it's nothing too amazing or anything, just... And with the rain and everything - there's not going to be anyone else around." And whilst he couldn't bring himself to come right out and say he wanted to be alone with her, that was definitely there as the narrow path they were walking down stopped being bordered on both sides and cut across a small bit of meadowland towards a stand of trees.

Lullaby was more than happy with the no one else being around thing. She didn't really want to deal with people right now. There'd been the night out with his friends, and then the full day with his family, and while she liked everyone and had had a good time--yeah, it was slightly overwhelming for her, and she was perfectly happy to spend as much time out in the middle of nowhere alone with Dean as he wanted. She gave his hand a little squeeze, and smiled, looking around. "Well, it's pretty. And no one else being around is good." She'd mentioned the slightly overwhelmed thing to him before, so she hoped he understood. And didn't read in even though reading in would be dead on as well--she wanted to be around just him.

"Yeah, it is," Dean agreed. He'd mentioned before they even came here that if she came with him, he'd be wanting to spend his time with her. Yesterday had been - well, yesterday had been typical his family. The whole 'family outing' thing. It hadn't been as bad as they usually were, since everything had been new to Thia and it'd been a while, but - it was just nice to get away. He gave her hand a little squeeze back and looked over at her. He didn't go back to putting his arm around her. He knew he hadn't done that since the other night, since the sleeping discussions. Even though they'd slept together both nights now, even though he'd woken up this morning draped over her, cuddled up to her. He wasn't sure what to do about it all, finding himself in mental limbo about everything again.

She held his eyes for a moment, smiling at him, before she looked back towards where they were headed. They were just used to getting more time alone, it wasn't...what she would like it to be. And she had to remind herself of that, because he still made it difficult for her. She was still confused but trying to err on the side of caution. Which meant everything was her imagination, and wishful thinking. She should really bring Katie up here soon. Maybe when they found a place to settle.

Comfortable in the silence between them, Dean led her over towards the trees, the rain dropping off some as they headed under the branches - though given that most of the leaves where now littering the ground, it didn't provide anything near total cover. The path dropped off almost entirely now, hardly visible as more than a vague twisting line through the undergrowth, but Dean followed it, unconcerned, holding her hand firmly, stepping in front of her in places where they could only walk single file, not bothered about the fact that he was getting rained on during the times he had to step out from under the umbrella.

She tried to hold the umbrella up over both of them as well as she could but that was way more difficult walking a path like they were now than where they'd been just side by side. But she put in the effort, not wanting him to get sick or anything. She'd be fine! In theory, anyways, but he could still get himself a cold, and that wouldn't be any fun for anyone. Trying to convince him to eat soup and things would probably prove difficult. She was looking around everywhere as they walked, though, liking the area. It was interesting, and it did seem a whole lot more cut off through here than back at his house and the like. She could very much appreciate it.

Dean caught what she was doing and shook his head with a smirk, but still, he ducked back under the brolly and tried to make a point of staying under it. "I won't melt either," he told her, giving her a bit of a Look.

Sticking her tongue out at him for a second with a smile, she made a face at him. "No, but you could get sick you know." she said. "Then you'd get all sniffly, and have a sore nose, and be up coughing all night, and generally be miserable and we're supposed to be here having fun. So you're not allowed to get sick. Plus, just think of it this way. if you don't, you won't have to put up with me trying to make you eat soup!" she said with a grin, like it was a huge perk to be offering.

"If I get a cold, couldn't you just channel it out of me anyway?" Dean asked her, used to the fact that she did that by now, okay with it now that he was sure that it didn't do her any harm at all.

"I don't know?" she suggested. "We'd have to find out. But if I couldn't, then you could get sick! With the sniffling and sneezing and coughing and all that good stuff and--just humor me, will you?" she insisted, reaching out poke his side, though she had to let go of his hand for a second to do it. "No getting sick for you! End of story! It's much more fun to just not be sick. Though...I actually probably could channel a lot of it. I just don't know how much. I'd rather not find out though, if we're just talking about experimenting with my abilities and everything." Though she was getting better at fading out.

He wanted to tease her there. He wanted to tease her about how that would keep her awake at night, which was why she was so bothered. Except that would mean bringing up their sleeping arrangements again - and that always led to disaster. So, he didn't. Like he didn't snag her hand as she poked him, didn't step right into her, didn't make a point of being as close to her as humanly possible in evidence that he was under the umbrella. He imagined all of it, but he hesitated to do it. "Right - no getting sick. Sorry," he told her, instead.

Lullaby gave him a little bit of a smile at that. "That's better." she said firmly. In her head, she was thinking about him, and her eyes stopped ticking around their surroundings, and settled much more on Dean. The first day they'd arrived, he'd been...well, exactly how she always would have wanted him to be, if they were together. The second, he'd still kind of been there, but they were with his parents all day, and that was always kind of a weird situation, but he'd been with her. Today, things seemed back to how they always had been, backed off a bit and all. She kept trying to gauge things, to figure out where lines were, what the score was, what was alright and not, and of course, what the hell was going on, but all it did was confuse her even more. It also made her sad, but she stamped that down as much as possible. It was just that idea of how she needed to get over him creeping back in, and she was really not in any fashion making progress on that.

"Well, who am I to contradict you?" Dean teased - that was a much safer teasing, after all. "Come on," he said, giving her hand a squeeze and leading her off the path into the undergrowth, though it became clear that the was a possibility of a path - or at least an easier way through the dead bracken and briars as he picked his way, keeping hold of her hand the whole time, except where he could hold branches out of her way to make the going easier. His jeans were damp up to mid-thigh now.

She kept quiet as he led her through, steadily getting more and more damp as well. Only he was almost a foot taller than her so there was more of her that was damp. That's what the hoodie was for, though, and she didn't complain at all. Her body temperature was lower too, so it was probably cooler out than it felt to her. Which made her again think that they might both be due for hot baths when they got back. Or at the very least blankets and dry clothes. She almost made a joke about this being a good place to go in case of being pursued, because it was a trek to get through it and all, but she didn't want to even start talking about anything that might remind him of what happened back in Marquette. So she skipped it entirely.

He pushed on through until they came to a large fallen oak tree, the trunk a good few feet in diameter, lying across the floor of the wood. It had obviously fallen some years ago, since the surrounding trees had grown up and round to close the gap. Dean stopped and turned to Thia. "So, really, it all depends on how wet you want to get," he told her with a shrug. "Cos this used to be where I'd come. Kinda sit and be by myself for a bit. But sitting means more wet, so..."

She smiled as she looked around. "I like it." she said, and again felt a little warm fuzzy feeling that he took her someplace that he saw as a private place. She walked up to the fallen tree and sat down on it, looking up at him. "I don't mind getting wet." she told him. "There are baths back at your house and everything, I'm positive there can be nice hot water and warming up and drying off later." she told him. She sort of half waited to see if he would join her or not, or if she was going to be handing the umbrella over.

Dean didn't hesitate in sitting down next to her, then looked over and moved again, clambering a little, scooting round behind her, a leg on each side of her as he pulled her back against his chest, repositioning her hand so that the umbrella was over both of them. "Good," he said, feeling better for being closer, for all he was uncertain and worried about what he should and shouldn't do or even what he was doing at all. This felt right and as long as he didn't overthink it, he could go with that. Maybe. No, no - he could and he would.

He wasn't the only one who felt better for it. She relaxed a little bit, leaning against him, even if it kicked up more confusion. She closed her eyes for a moment as she let herself relax, just sort of allowing herself to take it for what it was for the time being. "I like this place. It's nice." she told him. "Thank you for sharing it with me." she added tilting her head back a little to look back at him. She appreciated it and thought he should know that she did.

Dean gave her a small smile as he looked down at her. "It's just a tree trunk in a few trees," he said, brushing it off as he normally did. "Nothing special." But still, he liked that she liked it. It was nice here, the trees dulled the sounds of humanity all around them even further. "It's nicer in the spring and summer. When there's leaves on the trees still - on a sunny day it's kind of dapply. And there's birds and squirrels and stuff," he told her.

"Birds and squirrels, all british and stuff. I'd like to see them." She said, grinning a bit. "I bet it's really pretty then though. I mean, it's pretty now, too, just...wet and kinda cold, but I still like it. It's warmer here than back home, anyways." she continued, tipping the umbrella a little bit so she could look up at the trees a little better. But that got more rain on them so she put it back right. "It feels like a nice little quiet, private place, though, so I'm a fan."

"It is," Dean agreed with her, not pointing out that, to her, most places were quiet. He envied her that, sometimes. "And yeah, it's pretty. This time of year, sometimes you see robins, couple of squirrels getting the last of the nuts - nothing much." Not that Dean sounded too upset by that. He didn't come here to watch the wildlife, after all. He'd always come here just because sometimes, he'd needed to be alone.

She nodded, and rested her head back against his shoulder for a few long moments, still looking around, just settling herself in, really. It wasn't hard to do by any means. She was comfortable, at any rate, sitting there with him like she was. Though, that reminded her. That she shouldn't be too comfortable, and she had something to ask him. "Can I ask you something?" she asked. She paused, not actually figuring he'd tell her no, so she didn't wait for him to confirm it. "Did you like Katie at any point?"

Dean paused and frowned a little, looking over her shoulder at her. "Yeah, guess so - like maybe a couple of years ago or something," he shrugged. Actually, he knew he had - he'd really liked her at one point, not that he'd told anyone else but Andy, of course, but yeah, he'd had a major thing for her at one point. Naturally, nothing had come of it and when something came up between her and his best friend, well, Dean had done the gentlemanly thing and given Andy the green light. No point doing anything else, after all, friendship always came before girls.

She nodded, telling herself that twitch she felt over it was absolutely nothing. Nope, totally didn't happen at all. Really. "She said she'd liked you before. She'd tried to get your attention." she said. And that really wasn't the point she was trying to get to, it was just hard to make herself say it. But, he was her best friends he needed to look out for his best interests, even if it would make her twitch all to hell and back. Wait, she wasn't twitching, she needed to remember that. No twitching. No no no. Best interests. Right. "...she still likes you."

"She'd tried to get my attention?" Dean asked, sounding surprised and a little confused at that part, seemingly ignoring the present tense news completely. "Really? When?" He didn't remember anything like that - just highly embarrassing episodes where he'd occasionally attempted talking with her and found it really hard to come out with anything vaguely interesting or even at all.

"I don't know, I didn't ask for dates." Lullaby said. "She just said she had. And the point, is that she's still carrying a torch." she said, since she noted that he had kinda hopped right over that. She kept telling herself this was the right thing to do and everything and he should know, because she was willing to bet he hadn't even noticed Katie's little snit the other night, or if he did, he wouldn't have connected it to himself whatsoever. Oblivious, defintiely. So, she needed to tell him, because otherwise he'd remain clueless. She just wasn't selfish enough to try and keep a guy to herself that she had no chance with anyways, no matter how she felt about him.

"It is?" Dean asked her, thinking that, actually, the important part was apparently he would have stood a chance with her at some point and never knew it and when had that been anyway? He wanted to know that, because, really, at one point he so would have gone for that, or, at least, tried to.

She nodded. "...yeeees." she drew the word out. "I'm pretty sure if you called her up, she'd be more than happy to go out with you." she told him. "She had a whole lot of questions for me, and when you came back over, and were with me and everything, she decided to take a walk. It's kinda obvious that she still wants you. I just..." she didn't know how to end that sentence, not really, so she tacked on a lame ending that at least filled in the blank, so he didn't have to ask her to finish it. "...thought you should know. ...just in case."

"Well, thanks for letting me know," Dean told her, putting his arms around her a little more tightly and thinking about how actually irrelevant that news really was. "I'm sure she'll get over it. Or - do I need to, y'know, be careful? Like of her feelings or something?" he asked her, wanting her advice on that.

So, it became obvious to her that she thought he'd go for it. Because she really felt bewildered and surprised, thrown off that he didn't seem to be interested. Especially when he'd said that he had at one time liked the girl. It was like the perfect set up for a cheesy romance, where the couple had a near miss then when they saw each other again... she hated cheesy romances. But she'd definitely thought in the back of her mind that that would be it, and that would be how it went. She'd been figuring on giving advice for how to make the call or something, not...whatever this was. "I-- You don't want to--" she started, her surprise evident.

"...To have a short term, meaningless fling while I'm home that's not going to go anywhere?" Dean ended for her, sounding a little surprised. "I thought I'd told you that I wasn't into that kind of thing." He hadn't been before and his experience with Janice had just hammered that home entirely. They might not know how long they were going to be here, but still... And anyway, just because he'd liked Katie at one point didn't mean he still did. And eclipsing all of that, leaving it all in the dust, there were his feelings for Thia.

"It could be longer term." Lullaby said. "Or.." she stopped because she was unselfish enough to tell him about Katie in the first place, but she sure as hell wasn't going to be justifying why a relationship with the girl might work. That was just stupid. even if nothing was going to happen between herself and Dean, she wasn't masochistic. "Okay." she said instead. "I just...I don't know, she seemed to be pretty pissy about things there at the end, so I figured she must really have a thing for you still and you probably hadn't noticed, so I'd tell you and now I have so...yeah. Okay." she rambled a bit. "And yeah, you told me you weren't into that kind of thing." she confirmed. Like she wasn't. Flings were not her thing, and never would be. She had no concept of just being kinda into someone enough to fool around with, but not to actually call something serious. It didn't make sense to her. She was relieved, though. Now she didn't have to sit and watch he and Katie do...whatever.

See, this could be easy, this could be a moment, Dean told himself. All you have to do is lean forward, nuzzle her neck a bit, maybe kiss that spot on her neck you like, and then just tell her that you're not interested in Katie because someone else has your attention. Except he'd proved time and again that things never went the way he imagined them going, hadn't he? "There's no or - I... don't fancy Katie anymore," he told her, stumbling over his words a little as he entertained the thought but flailed over whether it was a good idea or not.

That made her feel better, and she kinda felt bad about it. She shouldn't, she knew. Wasn't she meant to be being supportive and wanting everything that was best for him on this trip? And a little distraction like that? Would probably be good for him. So long as Katie wasn't psycho like Janice had been. And she'd just...become really really terribly busy. Right. Something like that. But if he didn't like her then he didn't. She thought about things for a few long moments, just kind of letting her mind drift over. "I'm kinda...having a bit of trouble figuring out how that happened." she said. "How apparently you had girls who were practically falling over themselves to get your attention and no one managed, even if you happened to like the same girl." It was something that was itching at the back of her mind, bothering her on some levels. Because it kinda...wasn't really right, and she couldn't put together how that had come about.

See, that was the part that had grabbed his attention as well, because - yeah, he'd had no clue. "Erm, yeah - I don't get that either. Because, I mean, i just - that is, see - I know I'm shit at talking to girls and everything, but... I dunno, maybe it's one of those things where the guy's meant to do the pursuing and I just - I mean, I'm not good at that kind of thing and, yeah. Dunno." Right, yes - it always sounded better in his head.

She made a face as she listened, absently tracing the cord around his wrist again as she looked off into the distance, mind churning on it all. "Not everyone's got that idea that the guy has to make the first move." she said. "And even so, you didn't even know. And I know you kinda...don't notice things now and then, but it seems like a huge pattern that I'm missing a piece of." she said honestly. "Because even taking you not being comfortable talking to girls all the time and everything...something at some point should have sunk in, right? Either they should have tried harder to get your attention...which god, it wouldn't be that hard, right? Especially if you liked the girl in question?" She realized that it was a bit of a moot point, but it was bugging her, and the more she thought about it, the more she realized that no, seriously that was messed up. Something was up with that.

Dean shrugged, looking at her over her shoulder, still mulling things over in his mind. "...Maybe she didn't know I liked her," he said, hesitating before he said that. Or maybe you just didn't like each other at the same time. Which was equally possible, but less of the point, as far as he was concerned.

Lullaby frowned, and ticked her gaze back up towards him for a moment, troubled. "Yeah, but--okay, even if that's true? With what I'm getting the impression of was a lot of girls trying to get your attention, and none of them managed to get through? And none of them figured out you had any inklings in their direction either? That's...it just seems..." she made a vague gesture. "I don't know. Dodgey. I get the impression people thought you were..." she trailed off, as she remembered something. Her frown darkened, and she was distinctly goddamn unhappy right then, as Katie's words echoed back to her from the other night.

"I'm... not good - at the emotional stuff," Dean told her, though he figured she might have just noticed that by now. And it wasn't quite that simple either - he just didn't know how to handle it, didn't want to make a fool of himself, so he kept quiet and out of the way and when pushed, he overthought everything and tripped over his own tongue because he was worrying so much. "And - you... I mean, you know how I get. I can't talk to a girl, if... Not like that. I get all... certain that I'm going to appear that I'm an idiot and crash and burn and then I do because it's like a vicious circle and knowing that just makes things worse and more likely to happen the next time and, yeah, so - yeah. I just - I can't do it," he explained. "I freeze up," he added, a vocalisation of his own incertainties and insecurities right now as well as in the past.

Her problem at current was she wasn't thinking that it was all Dean's fault. Katie had said that Andy had told her that Dean wasn't interested. And she was willing to bet Andy knew Dean was. And okay, maybe the timings didn't match up, and everything, but...it was enough to make her wonder. Make her hideously suspicious, if nothing else. She couldn't voice it, because she wasn't going to make that situation worse, and it was quite possibly an entirely unfounded theory, but still. She pushed it away, and concentrated on things she could do something about. "Dean," she started, shifting slightly so she could look back at him better. "You're not an idiot. And I know what you're talking about, the," she made a negligent gesture, "the cycle thing. I get it. But that doesn't mean you're not good at emotional stuff, that just means you don't have confidence in yourself." she pointed out. "Which you should, because you're great. You're interesting, you're intelligent, you're funny...you're pretty much everything a girl would want, and that's completely beyond the majorly attractive factor. I don't really know what ever gave you the impression that you weren't...I don't know, good enough or something, but whatever it was...if it was ever relevant, it isn't anymore." she told him seriously. "And whoever you were when you left here, you're not that person anymore, either. You're far, far more."

Would you want me? The question was there, all he'd have to do was ask it. She was right there, he just needed to open his mouth and attempt to get those four single syllable words out without fucking it up. He looked at her, frozen for a moment before his eyes batted away and he lost the moment, if really there'd ever seriously been one. "Well, okay - if I'm not that person now, I was him then, so - there's your answer. And anyway, lots of guys are those things," he pointed out, tough with less complete assurity than he might once have had. He'd had far too many examples of how not everyone in the world was the same to truly believe that anymore.

I still think there's something seriously wrong with the picture, Dean. she thought, but she didn't think arguing it out right now would help anything. Besides, she had her theory, she was going to have to try hunting it down for herself. Once she had it figured out, she had no idea what she'd do, but she wasn't going to start shit when she wasn't even sure. When it was just a wild theory in the back of her mind. She wound up shaking her head. "Not like you." she told him. It was honest. Hell, she wasn't even nervous about expressing it, because regardless of her feelings, she'd still feel the same way on that particular score.

"Yeah, well, you've always been like my personal pep squad, haven't you?" Dean teased, dancing away from the rest of it, even as he felt the disappointment in himself rising.

"Yes, I am. I lead the 'Dean's Awesome' fan club, and choreograph the cheers. Doesn't mean I'm wrong, you know." Lullaby said, poking the back of his hand as she sighed, and settled back against him again. "You know, you trust me about everything else, but you always seem to blow me off on things like this." she commented. "One day, I'm going to wear you down. It's a goal of mine." He just made sure on a constant basis that she had her work cut out for her, and she felt most of the time like she started from square one every bloody time.

Dean smiled a little as she settled back against him, feeling the familiar warmth that filled him whenever they got snuggly, which was a lot of the time, after all. "Yeah, well, you only take my good bits and don't factor in the rest. Like I'm quiet and hard work and I talk crap half the time, unless you happen to actually be interested in mechanics and lego and, I dunno, zombie apocalypses and stuff. Which, I know - you are, but you're kind of a rarity you know," he told her, meaning that so very much. Rare and special and wonderful... he was getting off track. "Like those girls? You said they didn't even know me really, right? Like they were asking questions and stuff? So, right - they like the idea of me, but if they got to know me, that'd drop right off anyway. I'm a geek and they're - they're like Janice. Except, less entirely annoying. But they're - it's the whole cool thing, y'know?" Was he even making sense right now? Or was he just rambling? he wasn't sure.

"Hey, I take your bad points into account. You're stubborn as all hell, you have very selective hearing now and then, and every so often you're absolutely impossible. But whatever, no one's perfect, and your stubborn streak can be endearing sometimes. It's not like I have this idea that you're absolutely some weird perfect person. I just think that you never give yourself enough credit. Like, not even near enough. And...okay you get quiet around some people but you're not quiet with me. And I know, we've gone over this before, I'm different, but that's not the point. I can't be the only different person in the world, or the only one with the good sense to appreciate a good zombie conversation. Or who has a penchant for wanting to take time out to play with toys and make up long winded ridiculous stories about them. I mean if we really want to talk about geeks here, let's level that where it should be, and just land it on me. The definition of 'cool' is whoever's making it up at the time. Like I consider you cool, why couldn't they? I guess I don't ever really think of you as a geek. At least, not in the sense of the word that I think you're using it." she said, thinking it all over as she spoke, absently drawing little circle-y swirl patterns on the back of his hand.

"Because I don't fit with them," Dean said, after a moment, appreciating the swirly pattern thing - those soft touches, they were... Mind on track, talking. Good boy. "...I never really fit with them. It was different when we were little, then we all grew up and I just - I grew up different to them, but I always wanted to be... If I was Oz, I'd probably be talking about pack and stuff, but, yeah - they were my friends, the guys had always been my friends. But - I mean, I can see it objectively now. They'll always be my friends, but I don't fit with them. I think, before, I spent - I spent so much time wanting to be something, someone I was never going to be, and then failing so badly at that. It's like - I mean, you know me. You know what I was like when I first moved to Marquette, I - I was like that then as well. I still am, not as much, but I still get that, I dunno - it's like.... I dunno. I..." I'm not good enough.

"So you had different things you appreciated to what they did." she said. "Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with you." she stressed. "I guess...that kinda makes me sad." she said after a few moments. "Thinking about you wanting to do that blending into the crowd thing, when you shine brighter than that. Maybe you don't fit with them not because you're a geek or whatever, but because you...you're not one of the sheep. And that's not a bad thing." She was quiet for a few moments, letting her mind turn over what she was getting at. "You being here...is that what you want? To just...be one of them?" she asked. She tilted her head back against his shoulder to partially look up at him.

"I don't know," Dean admitted, meeting her eyes, being honest in this. "Even if I did want that, I'm not sure that it'd be possible anyway. I was talking with the lads the other night and it's like... It's another world. And I'm in a conversation and it's like I can be right there in it, and feel like I'm also sitting back and watching it as a spectator, if that makes any sense. I don't fit. I never really fitted anyway, but now? Now I'm not - I can't be that, even if I wanted it." The big question there was whether he did want it or not anyway. He didn't know, right now. He'd wanted to come home, he'd wanted that safety and security and surely slipping right back into all of his old roles could be part of that. but she'd said it and he knew the truth of it - he wasn't the same guy anymore and the idea of just being part of the crowd - it no longer held that same appeal as it once had. There was an element of pointlessness to it he couldn't ignore. And whilst that didn't mean he didn't want to spend time with the people he still counted as his friends, it did mean that things had changed - he just had to work out exactly how and to what extent.

She watched his eyes as he spoke, really listening to everything he said, along with paying attention to everything else. From the context of their talk, she would have expected the lines to be kicking up, but...there weren't many, really. Which she actually took as a positive thing. Like they could have this conversation, and he really was just thinking it all over, he wasn't getting drowned in what could and couldn't be done, or how he was viewed versus how he wanted to be viewed. "I understand the feeling kind of separate to the conversations going on." she told him first. That bit she understood well. "Like...I was sitting there talking to the girls and there's so much I just...can't say." she said. "So there's this whole level of my life I can't even remotely share, and really it's pretty much the most important parts. And not only that, but..." she paused, trying to figure out how to word it well. "What I worry about and what they worry about are--what you said. Another world. And I'm coming to realize that I don't have a lot of the small talk that I could pull off without any issue before. Which...I know why, it's...I'm not her anymore." she said, knowing he'd know what she meant without her having to specifically bring up her death. "And it's okay, it just does put things on a very strange level."

"Right, exactly. I mean - like the other night. When they asked what kind of things I was into. And - most of my time that's not, like, being at school, is taken up with things that I can't talk about. I mean, even the car - yeah, see, I'm fixing up my friend's car that was almost totalled by vampires... Doesn't really scan well. And the whole zombie thing, why where we talking about zombies? Because we were trying to figure out if they actually existed or not. And..." He took a breath and pulled her closer to him. "And you did fine. Better than fine. But yeah, we've both changed since the summer. So very, very much..."

She didn't mind being pulled closer, and she slid her hand over his, and gave it a squeeze. She had the urge to turn her face in towards his neck more, nuzzle under his jaw, because it would be in range. She curbed it, but those were the kinds of urges that she needed to eradicate. She didn't say anything for a moment, mind still drifting over everything. "I guess I can do it, I just...have this running commentary in the back of my mind. All the things I can't say. And half the time that's just as active as anything I'm saying. Do you have that?" she asked.

"Yeah, I have that. I definitely have that," Dean agreed, turning his head and resting his forehead against her hair. Closing his eyes, he took a moment or two, just breathing, before he spoke, his voice muted, but loud enough for her to hear. "Just - sometimes I feel old. Older. I don't know, just... yeah."

"mm." she hummed in agreement. She got that. "I definitely don't feel sixteen anymore." she agreed. "...and don't mention that in pretendy land I'm not. I don't feel nineteen either. I feel like I've had to deal with several lifetimes full of intense things, and my perspective's shifted hard. Not...I guess not necessarily bad?" she suggested. "Just...hard. And there's a lot of the world that is even less fair than you have a concept of before all this kind of thing, and..." she didn't know how to end the sentence, her thoughts swirling around, but she couldn't voice exactly how they made her feel. She just hoped he happened to get the gist.

"They can never share that. And I don't want them to share it - they're my friends and I wouldn't wish what we've been through on any of them, even if the fact that they don't know and I do is like this big wall between us, makes me feel even more like an outsider than I ever did before. I envy them, in some ways - to not have to worry. Or not have to worry about really serious things." Because Dean had always worried, all his life, or so it seemed to him. The issues had just been different. "But then, this wouldn't be my life. And I wouldn't have the good things in my life if I was still them."

She was quiet for a few moments, starting to trace little patterns on the back of his hand again, sliding up his wrist a little too. "Does it even out?" she asked, voice quiet. She knew that before he would have said yes. But that was before her dad. Before everything had crashed, burned, then fallen into a crater. "Doesn't really seem like an even trade." But then again, she didn't know what he counted as good things in his life. What weighed in against all the bad. Against what he knew, the awful things in there that really probably no one wanted to know. She understood not wanting to share it. There was a reason she hadn't spoken to all of her old friends. Why she'd considered not telling anyone at all, until Dean had come along. Why she hadn't started telling everyone about the demon who'd attacked her that night when she'd gotten her harsh introduction to the supernatural world. She'd wanted to protect people from it, on two levels. One, not crashing their world down around their ears, and two--she'd started trying the white magic thing. Her mind went back to Dean, though, really needing to know his answer.

"Does your life?" Dean asked her, because what he had been through was nothing compared to her experiences and he could never forget that. For him, it wasn't about evening, he didn't want to try and make it about evening. It had changed, that was all. Better, worse - it didn't matter, did it, at the end of the day. And anyway, it was all such a fucking mess in his head right now that he didn't trust himself to be able to answer the question, because there was still a large part of him which was ruled by the five year old child who wanted to hide under the duvet until everything went away and it all became happy shiny rainbows again. But he knew for a fact that she would blame herself for it all if he told her that it wasn't a fair trade, even if he tried to explain it. She'd decide that it was her fault, that she'd brought all of this into his life, whereas she was the one thing in his life that he would never change, not for anything. the one thing that he clung onto, that he needed above all right now to keep him grounded and sane and coping.

"We weren't talking about me." she said. "I asked you." She didn't think she could answer the question in return. Or, if she could, she knew she wouldn't like the answer, and she didn't figure he would either. Explaining it would be hard as well, not something she was positive she had the words for, something she could accurately even begin to describe. And if he pushed and wanted her to answer it, she'd try, but she didn't want him dodging her question just by posing it back.

"Right now's... It's not the best time to ask me that question," Dean told her, after an extended silence. "I - my head's a mess. I need to... So, I - I don't know. I don't know where evening out would be or - I don't know," he admitted, because sidestepping the question when she'd called him on it would only make things worse in the long run. He kept hold of her though, holding her as tight as he dared.

She gave him the time he needed, not pushing or anything, and when he answered, she felt awful. Basically, she knew the answer there. Which was an emphatic 'no'. How could it? With as much trauma as he'd had to deal with, it couldn't be outweighed by the good things. And while it was good to hear that he appreciated the good things, that didn't change the trauma aspect. The things that had happened to him, and around him. The things he'd had to do. She knew where the sore spots were. She knew where it hurt. She reached one hand up, ghosting it over his shoulder towards his neck, and she drifted her fingers into his hair at the back of his head. "It's okay." she told him softly.

"This isn't your fault, Thia - any of this. I don't blame you for any of this at all. At all," he told her, dropping his head to her shoulder as he closed his eyes again. "It's just - things happen, but it's all happened so quickly and I don't - know how to deal with this, or how you do deal with this and I couldn't take anymore of it. Everything just kept coming and it's like - stop the world, I wanna get off..."

She shifted, just enough to turn a slight bit more towards him, and it made it easier for her to keep playing with his hair a bit, even if the position was slightly awkward. "I know you don't blame me." she said. And that she actually by now believed. If had been going to, he would have already. That turn would have happened. "And it's okay. You don't have to deal with everything all at once, or anything. And everything's stopped. We're here, there's nothing bad happening, you're safe." she continued, voice still soft. She wondered if she should share her other thought. That she could deal with it because he needed her to be dealing with it. That it was more than his turn to have a long term breakdown, that it was her turn to be the strong one. To hold them both up and not look down. That she was better enough now that she could. She was still in her frame of mind where her main focus was taking care of him. And taking care of him definitely meant she had to deal. She had to deal and be okay, because if she wasn't then they were both falling apart, and that just didn't work.

"I know. I just - I was so focused on getting here, on wanting to be here... I never thought - I don't know... What to do now. Where to go from here," he tried to explain.

Thia nodded, understanding that. She stayed quiet for a few long moments, just drifting her fingers through his hair continually, a gentle motion. "Talk to me." she said. "Don't worry about making sense, don't worry about where to start, just...talk to me." she told him, turning her face in more towards his. Maybe a slight nuzzle of his cheek there, but it could have been accidental. It wasn't, but it was something she caught just a tiny bit too late. Either way, she didn't move again, not tensing up or pulling back.

"I think I expected everything to be magically better," he said, after a pause back he really didn't know where to begin. "Here. I - Part of me did want it back. What I had here. Because it was simpler. Even before I left, even when things were really bad. It was just me. It was just my life. Everyone else was fine. All that was hurting was me. My friends weren't hurt, or dying. I didn't know what that was like. All I had to worry about was my own problems." He laughed a little at that, though there was little humour in it. "Like they were actually problems. No, that was just me feeling sorry for myself, locked in my own fucking selfish little world and making things bad for myself. I just - I had no idea."

Lullaby couldn't help but think to herself that he would have had a much easier time pretending and dropping back into his old world if he hadn't brought her with him. The walking reminder, as it were. She didn't say it though. That and she didn't even know if it was true, it might not be. "They were important to you then. You just have a different perspective now." she told him. "So you expected to come home and..." she paused. "I suppose in a way it's kind of the same. Everyone else is fine. You're still hurting." Though the source of the pain was much different. But even the level was similar. Hurting over things he couldn't share with everyone else.

"Yeah - and it's still the same pain it was in Marquette. Nothing's changed, nothing's simpler. The only thing I can say is that things aren't going to get worse. But, there's no miracle cure and I - I think I expected one and now I just don't know what to do about that," Dean admitted to her. "And in some ways it's worse, because everyone's completely oblivious. It was like being at school before we left and all these... sheep wandering round clueless in the corridors, not realising. And I just feel - out of sync with everyone else. Especially here. I feel like it's not real at times. Like yesterday, I kept waiting to wake up." The only thing that's real in my life here is you. And even that's pretend, isn't it?

She thought about all of that, trying to work out a solution, or at least some semblance of one. "There isn't a miracle cure." she said quietly, firmly. She knew that. And she knew all about wanting to wake up, or waiting to. "Which do you want more? To feel more in sync with everyone else? Or to reassert the feeling of reality?" she asked. Because she didn't think there was a way to get both, or more, he could either get back into firmer ground with reality, get back to where he'd been before everything with her dad--separate but dealing, or he could try to slip back into something that was a pretty lie. So yeah there wasn't really a ground there where both could co-exist.

"Both?" Dean asked, though he knew that he couldn't have both and that was clear in his tone. Maybe he could, if they went back to Marquette, if he faced everything and plunged himself back into the middle of things, surrounded himself with people who knew what reality really was. But he knew he wasn't ready for that. He knew he couldn't handle that. Not right now. "I want to feel like I can cope with things. I want to stop being afraid and confused and scared," he told her.

She nodded, then concentrated on that. "Why are you scared?" she asked. Because confusion...that was always messier, but fear, she could try to deal with that first. Try being the operative word, she wasn't sure she could, but she would most certainly give it a decent shot. She figured coping would come later, and if he wasn't ready to yet he wasn't ready to. And really, right now he didn't have to. Not really, not right this second. There wasn't anything to force him to, and she sure as hell wasn't going to. She was just going to do whatever she could. ...which right now was being there with him, talking things through. And playing with his hair, but that was something else entirely.

"Aren't you?" Dean asked her, though it was mostly a rhetorical question, giving him thinking space for a real answer as he allowed himself to feel safe in her arms. "It's just the way things are going, one thing after another. And it got to a stage where I didn't feel like I could cope if there was any more. And that scared me - because I - i need to be able to cope. If I'm going to live in that world, I have to be able to cope."

She nodded, taking that in. She didn't know if he really did want an answer to the returned question. She had one, though. "I'm not scared of the same things I used to be. I guess I'm afraid in some respects...but not...I suppose it's situational. Like I'm afraid that my secret is going to be out at home, and I don't know what will happen to me if it is. But I'm not afraid on a larger scale than that. You make me feel safe, remember?" she asked, and that definitely was rhetorical. "I worry about you. Right now I'm worried about you a lot. It's my main focus. But it'll get there. We'll be okay. I've got you. Just like when I need you, you've got me. And I know that no matter what happens, it'll still be that way. Most of the time you do cope. Look at yourself, Dean. Look at where you came from. You've got the perfect highlight right now. And look at where you got. Everything you went through. You dealt with all of it. This is just one more thing, and it's something you'll never have to deal with again. You're never going to have to do that again. Not like that. And it's...it's major. So your time outs that I usually make you do in the middle of things? Is a little longer this time. It's alright. I don't have any doubts whatsoever, though, that you'll pull through it." she told him, voice soft but confident. Reasonable. "Now tell me why you don't feel like you're coping. If all you're afraid of is not coping, right now you're in the middle of it, the midst of dealing or learning to deal. Taking the time out you need, that's part of it."

"Some days I feel like I didn't cope with it at all," Dean told her. "I wonder - did I cope with it? Any of it? Or did issues just get pushed to one side because there were new things that needed doing? Crisis of the week. Is 'coping' just going and going and going until you break, then picking yourself up and going again? Because you have to? Because people need you to. People never needed that from me before I moved to Marquette. People never needed anything from me. And look where I was then - not coping. Really, really not coping. Blatantly, clearly not coping. Not like - not like those time outs not coping, just all the time on broken. But I - I don't think I ever learnt to cope. I just learnt that sometimes, some things are more important."

"Dean, you were coping." she told him. "You went forward with your life. You took in whatever new information you learned from each experience, and you kept going. And not just hopping from one thing to another. We've--not all of our time together has been in crisis." she said. "We've had time to just...take a run to Iron Mountain to go for a walk. We've done things that didn't involve crisis at all. You're still going to school. You've got friends, and you do things with people sometimes too. Which means that you're not crippled down by not dealing, you've progressed through things. And yeah, sometimes there is a very clear 'I'm dealing with this because there isn't an alternative' but that's still strength in some form. A lot of people would have a meltdown anyways. But things haven't been constantly preying on your mind, is my point. It's not eating away at you. And right now, even just the fact that you see all the differences, know you're different yourself, and you don't want to crash it all down on everyone else's heads, that's part of it too. If you were just flat out not dealing or anything, then you wouldn't be thinking clearly enough on things. But you've always got that on some levels. I know you said you were confused, what are you confused about?"

"Is that coping?" he asked her, not moving on straight away. "Just - having all this shit but carrying on anyway? Just... I don't know. I just - I feel there should be more than that, because everytime, it's just all still there and then the next thing goes on top and I just - that's part of what has me all confused, because, what do you deal with first and what about all the things that got pushed out of your mind because something else was more important, but you know they're all still in there and what do you do about them and if I' feeling like this every single time something comes along, but it's getting worse and this last time... I can't do worse again, Thia. But I feel like - I ran away. And I promised that I wouldn't do that, I said that nothing could make me do that, but I've done it and I just... But I couldn't - I just I don't know what to do, or what to think or how to act or any of it and I feel like I'm in limbo - I can't go back, I don't know how to go forward, everything's fragmented and I feel like I'm going through the motions. Back in Marquette, it was - I don't know. I know those last few days,a nd here maybe, I'm not sure - I feel like I'm not making sense. That one thing doesn't connect to another anymore. I don't know how to explain that, I just - I don't know."

"Yes, that's coping." she told him. "It's taking on something new, and not letting it drag you down screaming. Like...the vampires. Okay so that was awful. For everyone. But it's not something that we think about every day, it's not something that we had to be in the middle of, and now we're locking ourselves away in the house with vampire wards and we're stuck on that one event." she tried to explain. "There were the shadows. We did what we had to do, and sure, we haven't replaced all the mirrors in the old house yet, or anything, but it hasn't stopped me from figuring out the mirror travel thing, and you didn't try and stop me from it either. You haven't gotten yourself stuck on anything. Things happen, you take it on board, and you move on. This time it's just taking a little longer, and you know, it should. It doesn't mean that you'll never move forward again." She moved, shifting so she was facing him, squatted down in front of him. She needed to see his eyes better. She took both of his hands in hers, and gave them a squeeze. "You haven't run away." she told him. "You're giving yourself a break. There's a difference. You need time, and we all know that in Marquette--that time might not be available. So, we're here. Where there's a lot more likely a chance you will. That's just practicality. And you're a very practical person." she told him. giving him a light ghost of a smile. "You're probably not feeling like things don't connect because you left here and everything was a certain way, you changed a lot while you were gone, but things here have remained the same. So things aren't going to connect the same way that they did before, because things are different. Unless you're talking about grander scale things, and if so, tell me what that is."

"I feel like I'm not making sense," he told her, wanting to lift her back up with him again, but not going with that. "Not not here, but generally. "I was handling everything badly. The situation with Gabe, and then I upset you and everything that i did, do, I don't know - maybe here, I can't tell, but there was... It just - I'm screwing everything up, because I'm not dealing with things properly. I'm not making myself make sense to other people. I feel - like maybe I'm overreacting to everything. but like that possibly I've forgotten what normal reactions are? So I can't see whether something's an overreaction until after it's all screwed up? And it's too late then," he tried to explain to her.

She sighed. "Dean, the situation with Gabe was messed up to begin with, and he was an unreasonable dick. Plus, it's okay now." she didn't know if it was and was still afraid of it, but she wasn't saying that currently. "I even texted Isaac yesterday, and he would have said if anything wasn't. As for upsetting me, don't even worry about that, okay? Not at all. I'm okay. You didn't do anything wrong, I'm not upset with you or anything, I'm just...being stupid. I'm a girl, I do that sometimes, can't help it. But it'll still be okay, and I don't want you to worry about it. You didn't screw anything up. I'm the one behaving badly on that so just chalk it up to dumb girl crap and don't bother with it." she said firmly. She felt overwhelmingly bad about that, because it really was her freaking out over things she shouldn't be. That wasn't his fault. "I don't think you're overreacting to situations, I think that you're trying too hard. I think right now you need to relax, not overthink things, and just let whatever's going to happen happen. I think you need to give your mind a rest. I think you need to have a few days where you can try to relax, not think about things so much, and I think things'll calm down for you. Right now you're looking at everything in this...skewed lens. You're looking for what might be wrong or what you could be doing wrong. You're finding all sorts of things, but that doesn't mean that they're as big as you think they are, if that makes sense. Don't worry so much about being normal, or reacting normally. Normal kinda went out the window for you a long time ago. Just be you. You know I'll tell you if I think you're looking at something wrong, or I think you didn't do something the way you should have. So even if you feel like your gauges are broken, you can still rely on mine." Hopefully.

Dean considered this, mulling it over in his mind and not coming to any real conclusions about that, so in the end, he went with the throwaway comment. "Hmm, not sure about that - your gauges told me I should ask Katie out," he pointed out to her, giving her the barest hint of a smile.

She gave it to him. It wasn't like there was a definitive answer here. She'd just monitor him, see if he was doing any better, and if not, next time she'd probably ask him directly about what happened on the beach that night. Get him to go through everything. She stuck her tongue out at him. "No, my gauges told me that that girl still has a major crush on you, enough to get all pissy and go away when you were being kinda snuggly with me. And they told me you wouldn't have a clue what that meant. So I just told you about the situation, I didn't say you should ask her out. ...just that I think if you did she'd be all over you in a heartbeat." she finished. Then tacked on: "So there."

"I'm not interested in any of the girls here," he told her, thinking that even if he didn't say anything about them, he should get that out there. "I - the last thing I need right now is someone who doesn't understand me. And they - there's no way that any of them could. I know what you were saying before, what you meant. I could settle in and make believe that I was back here and everything was fine and just... play act the whole thing. But I couldn't... I'd have to close off this whole part of myself, wouldn't I?"

She nodded. "Yes, you would." she said. Because that was the truth, if he wanted to do the fitting back where he was thing, it would be pretend. As pretend as the relationship between the two of them, no matter how much she wished otherwise. Like she wanted to tell him that she understood him. That he never had to pretend with her. And she wouldn't with him, and he understood her, and...everything. But that was all just her desires playing off of things, it wasn't anything she could say. It wasn't like he was talking about her. He'd said he wasn't interested in any of the girls here because they didn't understand him, not that he needed a girl who did. And there was a huge difference there.

"And that would be a bad thing," Dean told her, which he was sure she already knew. "Bad for me and..." And I'd be using her. And I did that to Janice and I'm never doing that again. But anyway, I don't want to, I don't need to - and I have a girl right here who understands me, why on earth would I want someone else? "Just generally bad. So, if she makes a thing of it, I'll just... let her down gently." he paused and considered this. "Or, well, in my head I will and in reality I'll probably fuck it up, or chicken out and just send you in to play the 'keep your hands off my man' card..." Which, he could admit to himself, had a certain amount of appeal.

That had her giving the ghost of a smirk. "I'm pretty sure I could play that pretty well for you." she told him. What with the fact that all it would require of her was to let that twitch show, and voice her honest opinions on things. To acknowledge that little streak of jealousy she had in her that didn't really come up often, but now and again. So yes, she could play that well. "I'll try to work up my intimidation factor, just for the occasion, should it arise." she told him.

Could I watch? Okay, so there was no way in hell that he could actually allow himself to say that out loud. "You can be intimidating. I'm sure. And, hey - you punched Chance, so... Not that I'm saying you should hit Katie or anything or at all or I mean this situation would probably never come up anyway and.. ignore me."

She laughed at that, and rested her arms on his knees as she grinned up at him. "You just want to see girls fighting over you." she accused playfully. Which she thought might be the truth. But then again, who wouldn't like just a little bit of a taste of that. Someone going that little bit extra to keep what was theirs. To stand up for their significant other. She knew she would, in the right circumstances.

"Would you - if you had to?" Dean asked the question slipping out before he really thought about what he was saying, which left him scrabbling towards damage control, all the while wondering if he should, or whether he should just let the question stand and see where it led. "Er, I mean - not that, but hypothetically speaking, maybe.... Would you?" He paused, then tacked, "Any guy," onto the end.

She shook her head. "Dean, I kind of think if we go out to a club or something with your friends that I'm going to have to carry a stick to beat the girls off of you." she told him. "Yes, I would." she confirmed, sort of discounting the rest of the statement he put on there. "It's possible I have this itty bitty tiny little possessive streak that might get trod upon in such cases. But yeah, I'd take offense to some girl trying to put moves on my man." There, that had made it not specifically him. Even if it sounded even to her ears like she meant him. Since right now, in pretendy land, he was hers.

Even with the addition of those two words, Dean thought it sounded like she was talking specifically about him, though he admitted to himself a lot of that - possibly all of it - was because he wanted he to mean it specifically about him. There was something incredibly appealing about having someone have a possessive streak about you, even if she didn't need to have. He wasn't going anywhere, even if this wasn't really real. He looked at her for a moment, then leaned over to the side, snapping the end of a dead twig off the log they were sitting on and handing it to her with a smirk and an internal flail of not knowing what the hell possessed him to do that right then and was it a good idea and god, what was he thinking and hell, nevermind that, what was she going to do?

She grinned and took it, looking it over critically for a moment, before she ticked her eyes back up to his. "This'll do." she told him. "And if nothing else, I can go for a shin kick, and there's always the hair pulling option. This just might ward off several at a time, which could be necessary." she said with a nod. There was a tiny smirk on her lips, though, one she couldn't quite get rid of. And really she didn't try that hard, not with the look he was giving her. "So when you're flooded while we're there with girls trying to get closer and latch on, just be warned that I'll have to start swinging. I'll have no choice, you know." she tsked, and shook her head, though her eyes remained locked to his.

"Maybe we should just stay away from the clubs then," Dean suggested, not breaking eye contact either. "I don't like the idea of you risking getting hurt for me." Since, yeah, they'd kinda clarified that they were talking about him now, and he was aware that his voice had slowed and dropped accordingly and he still didn't really know what he was doing.

"Then we'd have to explain to your friends why we weren't going out...and you'd have to make up some story...and I think there were places you wanted to take me, still. I won't get hurt, I'm tough." she promised, pushing herself up on her knees, using his to help her progress. She still had the stick clasped in her right hand. "Besides I have this cool stick now, it'd be a terrible shame not to use it." she added, pretty much in the same boat he was--completely and utterly lost in knowing what the hell she was playing at. Well...besides the fact that she was fully aware of the fact that she was flirting.

"Hmmm, I'm sure if I wanted to tell my friends that I wasn't going out and that I was staying in with you I wouldn't have to make up any stories at all," Dean told her, his green eyes sparkling. "But, yeah, there are probably places I want to take you - though, they have rules and I'm fairly sure that 'no weapons allowed' is one of them. "So the stick might have to wait outside..."

She grinned and leaned a little closer to him. "Well that's just fine, because when I get kicked out because of the brawl, they'll get kicked out too, and it'll be right there, all handy and everything." she said with a sage nod. "See? It all makes perfect sense." she told him. Of course she could think of other ways of deterring girls from attempting to pick Dean up. Such as sticking close, and possibly being just maybe a little tiny bit all over him. But that probably wasn't so much allowed as something that her fantasies wanted to indulge in.

"Ahh, but you haven't factored in the size of the bouncers," Dean pointed out, aware that she was close enough now that his gaze was flicking from eye to eye. He really should figure out what he was doing here. "Or do I have to take care of that? Oh, no, wait - I'm going to be too busy dealing with the hordes of guys after you, aren't I?" he suggested.

"I can take the bouncers!" she insisted. Then, she blinked and laughed. "Hey now, we were saying nothing about that. Why, would you feel the need to tell guys to back off of me, should any of them actually take note?" she asked. "Or, take note and not ask me where my mom is, cuz I look like...twelve?" And alright, she would like that. In fact, she would really like that. It would probably make her night, and give her fuel for her fantasies for a while. not like she really needed that, per se, but still. It would.

"You don't look twelve," Dean told her, firmly, then dropped his gaze this tiniest of bits. "And, well..." he sat back a little and looked at her, more seriously this time, since they were theoretically talking theoretically. "I dunno - what's the right answer there? Cos I could... wade in and be all possessive and stuff, or I could stand back, safe and secure in the knowledge that my girl wouldn't look at another guy anyhow, so I have nothing to worry about." Though, in his head, there was a big difference between 'possessive' and 'jealous'. Possibly that was just him though, he was learning that not everyone in the world lived by the same standards and rules that he did.

"What's your answer?" she asked. She didn't want to feed him one, answering which was 'right'. Since technically, there wasn't a right answer or a wrong one. "If, theoretically speaking, some mythical guy decided to start hitting on your girl?" she asked. she realized she'd kind of slipped back and forth between talking about them, and talking in generalities, but she was thinking they'd been doing that on and off now for a bit, and so she wasn't overly bothered. She was talking about him, he was...probably just thinking in the abstract.

"There's a difference between jealous and possessive," Dean told her without pause. "Jealous is - jealous is focused on the bloke. Jealous is thinking someone else has the power to take someone away from you. Possessive is focused on the girl. Possessive is wanting to keep her with you. Now, not saying that either of them is necessarily good - it all depends on levels, too much of anything's bad, right? But you can be possessive without being jealous. It's like... okay. If I was jealous, my motivation would be that I'd want to get rid of the guy because I thought that I'd lose my girl. If I was being possessive, I'd want to get rid of the guy because she's my girl and anyway, he's probably irritating her and even if he's not, she's my girl and i want her attention."

"I get the difference." Lullaby said, following his logic. "So does that mean that you would have to work out purity of motive before you did anything?" she asked. "And you didn't have to question what mine might be?" she continued. She kept her eyes on his, head tilting to the side just a touch as she considered. "And you still haven't decided what you'd do." she pointed out. "You've just established that there are different motivations for shooing off any guys who're paying overly much attention to your girl. So the question I suppose, becomes do you have a possessive streak, a jealous one, neither or both? Would you take action at all, or just hang back?"

"Motive's always important, but well it depends, doesn't it? On whether..." He paused, realising that she'd turned it definitely into a 'her' thing again, rather than some maybe-maybe not pretendy-theoretical scenario. "I, er... On, er, that is, I mean - how...confidentI'dbethatyouwouldn'tlookatanotherguy," he told her, all in a rush, ducking his head a little.

Him ducking his head had her really aware all at once how close she'd gotten, and she immediately sat back again. She dropped down to sitting on her knees again, and she put her hands behind her back, so she wasn't touching him anymore. Shit, she hadn't meant to do anything like that. "I'm not here to start up a fling with some dink who thinks he could pick me up at a club. I don't do flings either. Plus, I'm not that fast. And..." Even if for some miracle someone approached me that I found attractive, and could forget about you for two seconds, which ain't happening anyways-I know I've tried, I'd never be able to go for it. I'd never be able to explain myself, the scars...why sometimes I'm not there fully when there are heavy shadows when I'm not concentrating... She really wished she hadn't had those thoughts, because they were depressing. Majorly depressing. Her eyes ticked down for a moment.

"And, from your answer, I'm assuming you'd hang back, because you're looking at it from that jealousy point of view." So, that was good to know. If anything did happen, which she doubted anyways, she'd be fending for herself. She had a whole confusing myriad of feelings going on now, and she didn't really want to be sitting there thinking about any of them. She wondered if it played into everything else. His default 'everyone's better than me' thing that slapped him upside the head sometimes. How maybe Dean's default action was to hang back and let other people take the spotlight. Funny, how she could depend on him entirely if anything attacked her, but if she needed rescue from unwanted male attention, where it would be so much easier and less traumatic for him to help her out, he wouldn't be there. It made her wonder about the practicality of the situation, if he'd just wind up doing that when Andy was around, if Andy was around. If he'd kind of forget they were doing this because Andy wasn't very good at taking 'no thank you' for an answer. But maybe Andy wouldn't bother her. Maybe no one would, and she wouldn't have to think about it. She certainly didn't expect anyone would. She did feel bad about things though. And confused, since he seemed to really like the idea of her getting into something over him, but when it came to the flip side, it had to all come down to motive, and in the end a big old 'naw I'd just hang back'. Or, that's what she was getting, anyways. And she needed to get things back out of where they were. Dial it all back again. So she smiled. It wasn't necessarily a smile that came off perfectly, but it wasn't that far off. Just a touch. "Good to know." she said, pushing herself to her feet, looking around again. They needed to not be talking about this, what the hell had she been thinking? She looked back at him again. "I didn't mean to put you on the spot like that, I'm sorry."

Dean looked back at her, confused, when she jumped to that conclusion. "I, er - no, no. That's not, that is, I mean..." he babbled, trying to get a hold on himself again - this had been so much easier when there was that possibility of generalities there. "I just... It would..." In his head, he knew how he'd want it to go. In his head, in his fantasies, they were a couple and they were as strong a couple as they were friends. In his head, this wasn't the kind of relationship where he had to ever be jealous, because he did know her and he did know how she was and in his head she loved him just as much as he loved her. And so he didn't have to be jealous of other guys, because he'd be secure, so that was his purity of motive, which would allow him to be able to let himself be possessive. Except, this wasn't real, was it? So how could he talk about how he'd act, when he'd be making assumptions based on his own fantasies that would be assuming things about her that weren't real? That wasn't fair on her.

"It's okay...you really don't have to answer." she told him, hating to see him flail like that. Especially when she'd let this conversation go on way too long, and let it get way too close to things that were total non issues, considering how things were between them. They weren't together, and no amount of wishing was going to change that, so she should quit doing dumb things like this and torturing herself. It was just lame of her and unfair to him. So, she hoped that he'd take the out, because she didn't really want to be the cause of flailing and tripping over his words. Probably wondering what the 'right' answer was now.

Dean looked at her, his expression almost pained as he considered the out. Could he actually explain himself? Not that it really mattered, or did it? They'd been talking, hadn't they - and she'd been saying she'd step up and he'd insinuated the same and he would except now she was saying that he wouldn't and couldn't she see that he would or he would never have suggested this thing for Andy - couldn't she see that? But, was it really important, it wasn't like this.... But all the same, he'd like it to be real, eventually, and maybe then it would make a difference then but he didn't know what to say now except she'd assumed something about him that wasn't true and he was - god, he needed to calm down and stop flailing and get a fucking grip or something. He took a breath and turned it back into generalities - they were easier to talk about. "If - if I was jealous then I couldn't be possessive, because I'd be working at not showing I was jealous, unless I had a reason to be jealous, but even then, I mean, that..." He felt the babble begin and stopped, before starting again. "If I wasn't jealous, if I was confident enough there not to be, then I could be possessive - it's motive, see? The action, the end result might be the same, but the motive's important." Which applied to more than the current situation - it applied to so many of their interactions. What Dean would and wouldn't let himself do due to the motive behind it.

She listened, trying to take the new information in and edit what she'd already thought. It was kind of hard, though, but she tried. "I guess for me, possessive is acceptable, jealous kinda isn't. Like...like Joshua was jealous of you. And he didn't really have a right to be, and it just pissed me off a lot, because it meant he didn't trust me. But possessive is something else. So...like when you were explaining that, I very much get it. So...you need a girl you can trust." she told him. Which yes, but them right back into generalities, and it had nothing to do with her. "So are you saying no matter the root reason why, you'd do something?" she asked, kind of clicking that into place a little late.

Dean shook his head. "No." Because if he was, he wouldn't have bothered defining the difference between the two. "No - if it was because I was jealous, I wouldn't," he told her.

She looked at him for a long moment. "You're confusing, you know that?" she asked, quirking a faint little half smile at him. Because after he said that, she was all the more confused, so she just felt lost. All up in the air, turned around, and she had absolutely no idea what was what anymore. Her thing had been far simpler--not to mention the most likely to happen. What with him being...well. Him. And her being her. It wasn't like she was a girl who was hit on. Dean hadn't been the only sixteen year old around who'd not had a string of significant others. She just didn't have the excuse he had of being totally oblivious. Or...whatever other factors were involved, because she was still convinced that there had to be something.

"Why's that confusing?" he asked her - it made perfect sense in his head. he cocked his head a little and looked at her, watching the little smile curiously.

"Because before when you were explaining it, you explained it out that jealousy and possessiveness would have the same result, action of some sort. The only thing that didn't, was security against the jealousy factor. And then you just said that if you were jealous, you wouldn't take action, so....yeah. That's confusing. I'm sure it makes sense to you somewhere? But you've lost me." she admitted. She tried to follow, really she had, but it kind of got all convoluted in there somewhere with motives and actions being the same but meaning something different and she was fairly sure it was much much simpler before and had skipped over to being complicated when she hadn't been looking. That was what she got for bringing something like this up at all, and getting too close to the situation as well.

"Technically, they could have the same result," Dean told her, getting what the issue was here. he just needed to be clearer, explain better. "Maybe it'd be better to say that they'd bring up the same urges, rather than actions. But, if I'm jealous, well, that's my problem, isn't it? No matter how you look at it, it's my issue to deal with. And - I wouldn't act on that. because it wouldn't be fair on... her. My motivation would be wrong, so I just wouldn't - I'd work on trying to deal with my problem. But possessiveness, that's different - the urge might be the same, but it stems from a different place and, well - I mean, it can be bad if it gets too much, but as long as it didn't then, yeah - that I could let through. See? It's motivation and being aware of motives," he told her, letting the fact that this was a normal way of thinking for him sound through.

She listened, or more, read, since she wasn't that close to him anymore. She would ask him if he didn't ever just do things, without thinking out the motivations of it, but she knew he did sometimes. Though it was all when things were at their worst. That was when he did it. When something happened and he just reacted, not having the time to think it all through. Lullaby kept her eyes on him for a long, long moment, and she let her mind mill things over as she did so. She was quiet as she thought, sort of half weighing what she might want to say, and what might be acceptable or not. "Do you think if you were in that situation, you'd puzzle out what you were going to do before you did it?" she asked, tone carefully neutral.

"I think if I had issues with jealousy, I'd already be aware of them," he told her, thinking of the her-in-his-head. He'd not be jealous there, she was his there. "But, yeah, I'd look at my motives first." He always did, after all, with so many things with her. So many questions, so many scenarios, but the more he did it, the more he could recognise 'acceptable' and 'unacceptable' and cross check them against past actions, build up a picture of behaviour. he knew where his lines were. Most of the time, anyhow.

Her gaze remained on him for a long moment, and she in the end had to ask. "Don't you ever just go with something?" she asked. "Just...go with the moment, or not think everything through before you do it? Throw caution to the winds, say fuck it and just...do whatever you want?" She leaned her back against a tree as she studied him, curious about what he'd say. Dean could be amazingly rational sometimes. And then other times she had to wonder exactly what the hell went on in his head for him to come to the conclusions he did. It was almost a toss up on things, she couldn't quite get a bead on where it all came from.

Dean smirked. "Last time I did that, I ended up on a date with Janice..." he pointed out. "So, no - not really. It generally leads to badness. And anyway - what if what I want isn't wanted? What if it's the wrong thing to do? It could just make everything worse. I - I would never want that."

"What if it was the best thing at the time, and you just didn't know it? What if it was the right thing to do?" she countered. "Could make everything better. It's kind of a toss up, I guess I just don't always think that something would end negatively. Made me wonder how you see it." she said. "And the Janice thing, okay, you've got me there, but that was pretty specific, too. And she was just...well, psycho's a good word..." she admitted. "But really all that proved was your taste in women sucks." she told him, sticking her tongue out at him with a smirk.

Dean tried to hold back a laugh at that, setting his lips twitching with mirth. "My taste in women sucks, does it?" he asked, finding that highly amusing, all things considered. "And - maybe. I just - look, you know I worry and if the status quo's okay, I'd. I'd prefer not to ruin things so I'd have to be sure that it would make everything better. I don't want to risk what I have for something that might not end up being what I want." And lookit, he was talking specifically about them - how did that happen? It wasn't even the same subject of them that she'd lapsed onto earlier.

"But if you wait for a sure thing every time, then you're going to wind up losing out on a lot of opportunities in your life." Lullaby pointed out. "Because nothing is ever really that certain. Especially if things initiate a change. If it depends on other people, then you're totally screwed, because you can never actually predict how anyone will react in any given situation. So...that whole being sure about things first...might mean you never get anywhere because you were never willing to take a chance."

"Now you're starting to sound like Caleb," Dean told her, shaking his head a little. "And yeah, maybe I'll never get anywhere, but I've had enough things crashing and burning lately. I don't need to go actively seeking more. It's - I want that certainty. Especially when something's that important. When it's really something I don't want to screw up. Maybe - maybe something less important, it would be different."

She shrugged one shoulder. "Maybe Caleb's right." she said. "Or we both are, or something. I mean, it's not that I don't see what you're saying? I do. I guess I just...sometimes things are that important, and it's important to take the chance. But you're going to do what you're going to do, and that's all. I'm just offering another perspective." she said in the end, aware that this was going nowhere, and really, she didn't have any reason to argue it into the ground. She'd asked her question and got her answer. No, he didn't do anything without thinking it to death first.

"I'd like to - take the chance," Dean told her, amazed that his voice was still coming out steady. "I - I even kind of think that maybe it might just turn out okay. But - then I think, what if it doesn't? And, right now, I just... Maybe it all comes back to being afraid. I don't think I could take it right now if it didn't." He wondered what the odds were, one way or the other, but he knew it didn't matter. They could be miniscule, but that fear was still there.

That got to her. she drew in a breath, and let it out, eyes still on him. "Right now you don't have to do anything you don't want to, and definitely not if you don't think you could handle something." she said, utterly dropping her end of the discussion at that turn. It kind of occurred to her that he seemed to be talking about something specific. But she couldn't be positive. The lines today were really weird, sort of all over the place. In the middle somewhere between talking in theory, talking specifically, and somewhere inbetween. So...right there she cut it off, and she walked back over to him, feeling the need to be closer again.

Dean pushed himself off the log and down to the ground, stooping to pick up the umbrella that had been abandoned at some point during the conversation and closing it. It had stopped raining at some point as well, though they were both wet anyway - just not entirely soaked through. "We should probably start getting back, they'll be wondering where we got to," he suggested to her.

She nodded. "Yeah, we probably should." she agreed. She didn't exactly sound overjoyed about it, though, even if she tried to keep that out of her voice. Not like she didn't want to go, just that maybe it wasn't topping out her list of things to do. She was already kind of missing having a bigger place to spread out in, and getting more alone time. But here, she had to share Dean with oh...everyone. But she'd gotten a little bit of time alone with him. She needed to be cool with that and not be wishing she had some more. And that maybe it could be someplace that wasn't outside. ...a dark, snuggly closet would be cool. Buuut no. Right. Back to his house. Witness her going along.

"I was thinking - you fancy spending some time today planning maybe places you'd like to go during the week? I mean, mum and dad'll be at work, everyone else'll be at school, so it's just going to be us," he pointed out, also not the greatest fan of heading back, but they couldn't stay out here all day. "And you have the money that Oz gave you, right? So... we can do things."

She smiled at that, the idea making her feel a bit better. "Yeah, I do. But he said it's for both of us, you remember that, right? He gave a lot, too. I kinda told him I didn't figure we'd need that much, but he wasn't listening. You know he gets that look on his face where he's decided something already and he's just letting you talk yourself out? He did that. Also, you're gonna have to help, because I don't know what there is to do. Besides you told me you'd show me castles and stuff, and were were gonna look for dead sheep." Then she paused. "and I want to go get my tattoo." Plus she had to give him the design for his...should she bring that up now? Hm.

"Well, I'm hardly going to be letting you go wandering off on your own, now, am I?" Dean pointed out, snagging her hand as case in point. "So, yes, oh bearer of money - it's for the both of us. And, okay, sheep. And castles. That... Doesn't exactly narrow it down much, but we can look at how much travelling we want to do and stuff and if we nick Scott's computer, we can look at things until you go 'there! I want to go there!'. And yes, we can go into town and get you your tattoo - if you're sure about the design..."

"'Course I'm sure about the design." she said firmly. "I asked you to do something for me and you did, and I love it. I think even Scott was impressed." she told him, glad he'd taken her hand, because she'd been feeling weird walking without holding hands. Which was stupid, but it was habit. If they were headed anywhere, they were holding hands, that was just kinda how it worked with them. And it worked just fine, damnit. "Which, after talking to him for a while, I think was a bit of a feat..."

"You - you showed it to Scott?" Dean asked, looking across at her, blinking a little and wondering how that went down. Only... had she just said he'd been impressed?

"Yeah. I was asking about age range on things for this country, and I'd said I was going to get one, and that you'd designed it for me, and he wanted to see. So, I showed him. He looked really really surprised. I take it you just...kinda forgot to mention to any of your family that you have an artistic side?" she asked, arching a brow at him. She gave his hand a little bit of a squeeze when she did it as well, quirked half smile on her features.

Dean shrugged and looked away a little. "Never really thought I was that good - just doodles, y'know. Not, like, fine art stuff or anything anyway, so, yeah - didn't seem worth mentioning," he told her. he'd never really thought that he'd had 'talents' before.

Why was she not even surprised? At all? She wasn't. He did that all the time. She knocked her shoulder against his as they walked. "Fine art is a matter of opinion." she said. "I know some of the crap they say is fine art, it looks like a four year old could have done it. But I like your stuff. I think they're great. So...there. I think it's worth mentioning. But yeah he looked surprised and impressed. Grudgingly so. You two don't get along very well, I'm gathering." she said. She didn't really need an answer for that, it was obvious. "But...yeah I was asking on age...are people carding-happy-nazi's here?" she asked. "Or do you think...maybe possibly you could sneak in under the radar?" she asked hesitantly.

"It's that modern art?" Dean teased. "But, yeah - Scott and I... Just be grateful you never had any siblings. I mean, he'd be okay if he wasn't such a little shit," Dean allowed, grudingly. The guy had his moments, but mostly he was an annoying little shit - total lost potential. "And no, generally the view on age seems to be if you managed to get yourself into town without your parents assistance, you're old enough - I give you the pub the other night as a great example of that. Whether somewhere like a tattoo parlour would be any different, I couldn't say - but you have the ID to back it up, right?" He paused and looked at her intently. "But - we're talking about me here, aren't we?" he asked, realising that, somewhat belatedly.

She smiled at him when he put that together. "We're talking about you." she confirmed. She looked a little nervous as she fidgeted slightly while they walked. "Remember a while back...I told you I had something for you, but never quite got around to giving it to you?" she asked. Because now that he'd worked out the tattoo for him thing, she might as well come out with it. "I kinda sorta had something designed for you."

"Really?" he asked, looking completely charmed by this. They'd talked about it, but, still... "So - do I get to know, or see, or - did you draw it?" he asked her.

She shook her head. "No, I had kinda something else in mind." she said. "So, it's a design...I actually had Maddie work it up for me. We talked it over a lot. It's...kinda special." she told him, and she was pretty sure that heat in her cheeks was a blush, but she was kind of hoping being wet and cold could cover that. Or at least give an excuse for it. Probably not, but she could hope.

He looked over at her and noticed the blush - which was, in his opinion, completely adorable. "What kind of special?" he asked her, a smile playing over his lips as he continued to look charmed by the fact she'd gone to that much effort for somethign for him.

It helped that he wasn't looking at her like she was nuts. Or strange, or...whatever. It wasn't a bad reaction he was having, and that was a very very good thing. She didn't really know what she would have done otherwise. Flailed a lot, probably. "It's kind of...spelled." she told him. "I guess...she explained it like it's a spell, and to re-charge it, it's done with water, so...like just as long as you shower every other day or so you're fine." And she knew he did every day, so that wasn't an issue. Was it weird that she knew that? Hm. "But it's supposed to sort of make you...she explained it way better than I'll be able to. But it'll make you kinda less likely for anything bad around to look in your direction." she told him, hoping that made sense.

Dean stopped and stepped in front of her, facing her. "So - very special then," he said, looking down at her, his hands resting on her upper arms. "I... Thank you," he added, simply. Right now, he could really appreciate that, really, really appreciate it.

She hadn't expected him to stop so she nearly walked into him, but stopped short in time. Looking up at him, she smiled, a shy sort of expression. "You're welcome." she told him. "I just...I figured that something might be neat, so we could both get something, but at the same time, I wanted it to be something helpful, or protective, and...that's what we came up with." she said, which she was sure she didn't need to over explain here or anything. And it was too bad he hadn't had it before this weekend, but she couldn't say that. Besides, it might not have helped at all in that situation. The target was her, not him.

"Maybe you should get the same thing," Dean suggested to her, thrusting aside the fact that he'd liked that she'd wanted something he'd designed for her. If she got this, at least he could lose the guilt that he'd let her go ahead without knowing what it really meant to him. "Instead of my design - if it's protective. It would be better."

She made a face at him. "No. I want your design. It's what I wanted, remember? I asked and everything. Reeeaaally nicely in fact. I've got my heart set on it. And the design there is for you. Who knows what could happen if it gets put on the wrong person? It could have some crazy magic in it that's just for you, and I'd never know. So...there. I'm getting what you designed for me, and you can get what I helped design for you. If you like it, even. Cuz you might not."

He couldn't argue with that logic. if it had been made for him - and they still didn't know what effects magic had on fades. She was created from magic, maybe something like this would counteract, or conflict with that magic. And he could always talk to Maddie in the future, and maybe she could get something that would work for her as well. "I'm sure I'll love it," he assured her, stepping out of her way so they could continue onwards.

Well, she was still relieved that he seemed cool with the idea. She walked with him, smiling a bit to herself. "I've got it with the design you did for me. It's kinda...there's script in a circle, spell stuff I guess, and a design in the middle." She didn't say she had a place on him picked out. It was right where she'd said initially, when they'd been talking tattoos back in his closet. On his arm. She thought it would go well there. Plus she'd want to see it. She liked the idea of him having it someplace that she could just look at it when she wanted to. And spend a lot of time resisting reaching out and touching, because she figured she'd be doing a bunch of that.

"Would you come with me, hold my hand?" he asked her, giving her hand a squeeze as he did so. "I mean, since we both know I'm a complete baby about pain now and everything..." he added, the very first time he'd even tried to joke about his injuries with her. Or with anyone, in fact.

She was a touch surprised he said that, but she covered well enough. "Of course!" she said. "You better believe you're being there to hold my hand. So yes, I will hold yours. You're a guy. They're all babies about pain." she teased, grinning.

"Yeah?" Dean asked her, raising an eyebrow. "So - it's not just me then? It's a guy thing?" He wasn't sure he believed her on that, but then, she hadn't heard the worst of him, had she. He'd always been glad that he'd removed her hearing aids.

"Yes. Boys are terrible. Like they're far sicker than anyone else, even if it's the same cold. Journey was awful for that. We'd both be sick but oh he was dying. Absolutely dying. Maybe it's just because girls are kinda habitually in pain at least once a month that we're better at dealing with it, or, we're just y'know. That much more awesome, but yeah. Boys are awful for that, so far as I can tell." She told him, smirking.

Dean didn't retort to that, because the first thought that rose to mind took the humour right out of the situation for him, though he tried to cover that up. There was no point in bringing them both down, after all. "Yeah, yeah, the female of the species is superior in every way," he agreed, trying for a smallish smile - here being a point at which his tendency towards not really smiling properly helped him out.

The trouble with trying to hide getting upset over things from a fade was it wasn't actually doable. So his smile or not, his words or not...she saw the lines kick up. She slowed, pulling on his hand to stop them both. "Hey." she said. She didn't say anything more, sort of waiting to see if he would. And if not...she'd figure something out.

He looked round and saw her looking at him, so stopped completely and turned to her, going back to putting his hands on her upper arms as he had before. "Remember a while ago we had a conversation where I said that you didn't always need to know everything? This is one of those times, okay? I'll - it's fine, just a random thought. Talking about it'll do no good and just make us both feel worse, so how about you just ignore the black lines okay?" he suggested, softly, not making a big deal out of it, catching on immediately he saw the way she'd reacted as to what she'd be reacting to.

She looked up and studied his eyes for a long few moments. Then she stepped closer, and reached up to put her arms up around his neck. She hugged him tight, not saying anything immediately. She just hugged him, and tried to get her mind off of where she figured his mind went. "Okay." she said softly. She'd let it go, wouldn't make him talk about it, but she knew him well enough to figure out what was likely running through his mind.

He hugged her back, dropping his head to rest on top of hers, grateful that she was just going to let it go, because he really wished he hadn't had that thought - the thought that the times she'd seen him hurt - two of them, anyhow - he probably had actually been dying. No, he realised, there was no way that his friends could understand him anymore.

She drifted her fingers up into his hair, just a little as she drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. She drew in his scent, and wished they weren't outside. The closet might be nice. So even if they weren't talking about things, they could at least have some time together, snuggles. Things like that. And it never seemed to matter if they fell asleep in there. Like it was different. At least it felt that way to her.

"We should get back," he said, softly, into her ear, though he didn't move, didn't pull back. Right now he just felt so alone, as though she was the only person who was real in his world. There were others, he knew, people who could understand, but they were all so far away, and they were all in a place he'd run away from - no matter what she'd said about it not really being running away. He'd always felt alone here, he realised. Ever since gran had died.

She nodded, the motion having her nuzzling his collarbone just a little. She didn't move either. She would as soon as he did, but for a few long moments, she was just staying right where she was. Lullaby hugged him even tighter for a second. She really did wish for someplace to go for a while. Away, but inside. And in the end, she thought she'd just ask. "I know we don't have anything like the closet here...but...is there anywhere we can go? Just for a while?"

He wished there was. He really, really wished there was. "Not really - just my room," he told her, after a long pause for thought. He knew, thought, that it didn't have the same connotations for them. Bedrooms never did - for a start, he knew he was far too aware of the 'bed' attached to that 'room' thing and even if that didn't come into it at all, it was lurking in the back of his head all the time. "Kinda why I always tried to get out the house - but, weather's crappy and everything..."

She nodded, sighing. "Shame." she said softly. She nuzzled at his collarbone a little more deliberately this time, before she pulled back just a touch, so she could look him in the eyes. She gave him a light little smile. "The weather is a little too bad to stay out in it too long. You'll get sick." she told him. With that she zipped his coat up a little more. "Guess it's back to the house then. Do...whatever we're doing. Figure out the rest of the day." She wanted a day where they could just kind of do nothing. Hang out, do nothing they didn't want to and see absolutely no one if they didn't directly want to.

"Hmmm, yeah - the shame, not sick," Dean agreed with her, his voice spacing a little as she nuzzled his neck, because, really, that? Was incredibly nice. Really, really nice, in fact. Hmm, yeah. "I - yeah, we should - okay, yeah... Figuring out!" he exclaimed, aware that he was spacing, and badly.

She almost giggled. almost. She kept it in at the last second, mostly by clamping her teeth down on the inside of her lip, because for a second there, he'd just stopped making much sense at all. Then he snapped back to, but the lines were gone. The lines were history. She'd have to remember that. That had worked well. Damn. So in the end she smiled up at him like she hadn't noticed she'd utterly derailed him. "Yeah, figuring out. You, not being sick. Back home. Hot baths. It's the plan that we're sticking to that I've just made up."

He looked down at her and for a moment his mind went to that bath in Billy and Maddie's house. To the fact that it would clearly and easily hold two and how unbelievably nice that would be. But, they weren't there, they were here and they definitely weren't going to be sharing baths, so! "You're going to make me go first, aren't you?" Dean surmised. Because he knew her.

She smirked up at him, nodding. "Of course." she said sweetly. "You could get sick! I'm looking out for your best interests. Aren't I awesome that way? You're so lucky to have me. Besides." she said, mind conjuring up a lot of mental imagery. "Last time you made me go first. So hell no are you getting your way this time." she finished. God. Last time. When they'd been making their way up the stairs... That had been hella interesting. And she'd never found something so simple as going up the stairs as hot as that had been. Of course, it was purely him, then. She'd wanted so bad to tug his shirt off of him. And do a lot of other things to him. Okay brain, you can stop any time now.

"So, it's turn on turn now, is it? I'll remember that for next time," he promised, not arguing with her over it - even if he'd already showered this morning already. He could go lay in the bath for a bit, if it'd make her happy. In their smaller, definitely one person bath.

"I'll be prepared for a perfectly reasonable argument to get my way again." Lullaby told him sweetly, starting to tug him along again, using her usual method. She leaned back, tugging on his hand, so if he let go, she'd fall down. Just the use of her body weight to pull him with her. "But I'll look forward to the argument." she told him with a far too sweet smile. That, while she kept trying to scrub the vivid memories out of her brain. Especially because those memories tended to blend themselves right into fantasies. How terribly unhelpful of her mind.

She didn't really need to tug him like that, because he always went anyhow. She might have called him stubborn earlier on, but he didn't think he was that bad - well, not over little things like this anyway. "I'll look forward to seeing what you come up with then," he told her, smirking slightly. She could never just go with things - she was the stubborn one here.

"I'll have to come up with something decent." she told him. "Space aliens...something." she grinned, turning to walk beside him properly as they continued. She still wanted alone time. Proper alone time. But they weren't going to get it. Therefore...they had to make do with what they had. And she was going to try and keep things lighter for him if she possibly could. Now, if she could just keep her desires for him under control, things might be okay. She'd try her best, anyhow.