Progress of Sorts

Who: Dean and Thia
Where: Middle of nowhere (Eyam, Derbyshire, England)
When: Middayish

Dean missed driving. Coming away would have been so much easier if they'd been able to just get in the car and go, but no, he was too young to drive here. So once he'd convinced his parents that (a) they could go away and (b) they had enough cash to pay for staying away, they'd had to take a train to the place he'd picked out. He'd wanted to take her somewhere nice, somewhere interesting. Somewhere with castles and dead sheep, but where they'd ended up was less castle-y and more small-quaint-village-y. And a taxi ride from the train station, once Dean had decided that it was too far to walk.

They arrived at their destination that morning - the village of Eyam in Derbyshire, and settled into their room in the large stone-built cottage they were staying in before he suggested they went for a walk, aware that at some point they were going to have to start The Talk he'd promised they could have. but at least it was quieter here - the village was isolated and, at this time of year, there were hardly any tourists around. Today was a dry day, and once you were out of the village itself there was nothing for miles around but fields and hills. And sheep, so Thia could be happy about that.

The first thing that Thia had noticed when they arrived was that there was energy for her there. But then, when he'd told her about the history...the village that isolated itself then practically everyone died of plague--that really just made sense. It was beautiful, and something she was very interested in as he told her about it. So, as far as places chosen to go visit, she was glad he'd picked it. It was small, they could stay there, and again--she could recharge while they were. He sustained her usually, but most of the time they at least went someplace like the orphanage now and again, so she had a better recharge point, and they hadn't here. There was noplace that actually had energy for her, it really was limited mostly to Dean. This place though...it was different. It was like park cemetery for her. A place that felt peaceful, and the energy wasn't negative, wasn't from bad karma, it was death. Something just that little bit different, even if she could never describe why or how.

After settling into their room for a while, where she decided everything was awesome, a walk was suggested, and she was happy to take it. She was aware that they needed to talk, but they could go for a walk first. He'd done this with her, it was all set up--they would get to it.
She trusted that he wouldn't put her off again. So, no, a walk wasn't going to hurt anything. "It's really pretty here." she said, hand in his as she let him lead them wherever. "I like it better than the city." she added, giving him a little half smile as she watched him out of the corner of her eye. "Guess I'm a middle-of-nowhere girl at heart."

"Guess so," Dean agreed as they walked along the lane, just ambling along, not in any great rush to go anywhere. It was peaceful here, and god - it was so nice that it was quiet as well. Dean could just feel himself relaxing, which was good. Maybe it would help. "I - I thought that maybe here would be good for you. With its history and everything. I wasn't sure if it would have been too long ago, but..." he trailed off, looking at her.

"It is." she said, and she gave his hand a squeeze. That, before she actually took a second to kiss his cheek, because she reminded herself that she could do that kind of thing now any time she wanted. "I appreciate that. Thank you for thinking of it. But...yeah, it's kind of all over?" she suggested. "But it's not like the orphanage. It's different energy. Death energy, where the orphanage is more like...massive bad karma on an explosive scale. This feels a lot more like the cemetery does, and maybe it's just the pretty around here and everything, but it feels more peaceful." she explained to him.

"I realise it's not castles, but I thought we could do castles on the way home - I'm sure we can, like, divert to one or something. I just... I don't actually know that many places where we could get to and that there wouldn't be loads of people. And they make us learn about this place at school. And I thought it would be good for you, and it's famous for being in the middle of bloody nowhere and... Yeah, so - here. And yeah, it feels peaceful," he agreed.

"We can do castles at some other point, I'm happy here right now." Lullaby said genuinely, looking around again as they walked. "The little stone walls are really cute." she added, grinning just a moment because she imagined he was tired by now of hearing her call everything in his country 'cute'. "Can we look at the cemetery later?" she asked, glancing back over her shoulder where she'd caught some stones, and a big looking cross. She really wanted to get a look at the cross, it looked beautiful.

"We can look at whatever you want whenever you want," Dean assured her - he wasn't in any hurry to do anything, though he knew that everything was just distracting from the reason that they were really here. He just couldn't rush that, didn't want to rush it. He'd woken up early this mornig, even though they'd been out late last night, aware of the fact that this was looming. It had to be done and he just had to face that fact. He didn't know how, but he was going to. In the meantime, he was just going to take in the peace and tranquility of this place.

She laughed a little. "Take me to sheep first." she said. Sheep that she thought she could see down in the little odd shapes in between the stone walls. She was looking out over it and she had to pause a moment, pulling to a stop as she looked around in all directions, then back towards the open fields. "...I think this is the most open area I've ever been in." she said after a moment, a little wonder in her tone. "In the u.p., it's all woods, there's nowhere without thick forest and everything, that's the most open expanse I've ever looked at."

They were standing on the edge of the village now, looking out over the sole road which headed out towards the hills, the land slowly rising in a patchwork of pastoral fields, the gradient slowly getting steeper and steeper. "Well, the trees kinda all went away centuries ago, I guess - farmers and firewood. But I like the trees back there - I always wished there were more around. You can get properly lost in trees. Course, here - the view up the top is great," he promised her, pulling her down the road, towards the hills.

"I'm sure it is." she said, happily letting him lead on. "Seeing this wide open an area, it makes me feel weirdly exposed." she admitted, even if she didn't sound like it was a bad thing, just an observation of a weird reaction she was having. She'd deal with it fine. "I like the woods, I like wandering trails there. Which reminds me, I still have some I want to take you on, even if it's not going to be doable til spring. I'm betting by the time we get back there'll be snow." she said. "Unless, of course, we both want to get really crazy, and take up snowshoeing." she added. Then she was just looking at the fields. "So are those all just different people's properties?" she asked. "Or are the walls there just so people don't go stealing other people's sheep?" she asked with a little smile.

Dean shrugged. "You know, I have no idea. But, I think no - I think farmers just have lots of fields," he suggested. "And the walls - well, they've been there for centuries. Like... over a thousand years centuries? I don't know much about farming," he admitted. "Or snowshoeing - so that would probably not be a good thing to get me doing. I'd probably go arse over tit into a snowbank or something. And you'd laugh."

She grinned at him. "Yeah, but see that'd be right before I fell over into the snowbank right next to you, because I have never been snowshoeing. And I'm positive it's harder than it looks." she told him. "And alright...so cool stone walls that've been there for freaking ever, and at this point you're not sure why. well, it looks neat, anyways." she told him. "I can appreciate an interesting view. About the only things we have that are old-old-old in a 'hey guys claiming to know this stuff who have clip boards and official titles say so' way is the rock cut? It's going through Negaunee. I guess it's supposedly some of the oldest rocks in the world or something." She shrugged one shoulder. "So we're awesome. We have old rock. How cool are we?"

"Well, get you, with your old rocks," Dean teased, stepping in front of her and taking both her hands as he walked backwards up the incline towards the hills. "And here I was thinking that here was where the history came from..."

She smiled at him, liking that little move of his, and she gave him a playful little pull on his hands. "Hey, just because you had people writing things down the whole time and building silly little lasting structures before we did, doesn't mean we don't have history or didn't exist! Our rocks are special, damnit! Acknowledge our superior rock-aging prowess!" she said in return, bouncing a little as she headed up the hill with him.

Dean nodded mock-condescendingly. "Of course, dear - whatever you say," he teased dropping one of her hands and leading her off the road where a footpath sign pointed over a style built over the wall and across a field scattered with sheep. "Come on, we'll go this way," he said, indicating she should go first.

Lullaby laughed, then poked him in the side, tickling a little. "Brat!" she accused. Then she looked at the strange ladder over the wall thingy. Walking up, she looked back at him. "What the heck is this thing?" she asked. "Why not put a gate or something?" she asked, climbing up, though when she got to the top, she looked down at him, holding onto one of the wooden posts. "This makes me wanna play forts and things, you know." she told him.

Dean stepped up onto the bottom rung of the ladder over the wall and looked up at her. "You always want to play forts," he joked. "As for the style, I figure this is easier than gates. Leaves the wall intact, stronger, less likely to fall down. And it's less likely that anything will be able to get at the sheep in the field. Gates have holes in them, dogs can get through. Or sheep can get out. There'll be a big gate somewhere, but that'll be it, unless the wall falls down. You get all sorts though - some of them are just more stones jutting out of the wall to make a ladder up the side. They were always my favourite, because they're so simple, really clever. I'd love to know how they make these walls, because they're just stone - nothing else, no concrete or mortar or anything, but they stay up year after year and they're solid as anything," he explained with his usual passion for knowing how things worked.

She listened to him, and she smiled, a genuine smile as she read all the words on his lips. She liked when he did this. It was like why she enjoyed asking about words she didn't know when he said them. He liked to explain things, and it was always something for her to know that he did in fact, pay attention to some things. Sure, he didn't care about school so much, but he was far from uneducated, and it was always something interesting to hear someone talk about something they had genuine interest in. Plus, of course he would know about this, it had to do with building things. "Well, maybe if you played with me some time, you'd understand why, and appreciate and adopt my passion for wanting to play forts." she said to him, not actually moving back that far, so he'd have to step into her space when he got to the top. "So the secret to impervious walls--be bipedal and have opposable thumbs. Check. I think it mostly adds up to 'be smarter than the wall'." she added, giving him an impish grin. "Maybe we'll find the stone-steps kind around, I'd love to see that." she added genuinely. "I swear if I'd been able to visit this place when I was little, and could y'know...get away with playing forts whenever I wanted, and all sorts of other pretendy big imagination games? I would have loved it." she told him. "'Course, if I was with you, I'd probably want to build stuff with you like find a creek somewhere and build a dam, and knowing you, it would have worked, and we would have got into big trouble."

"Stream," Dean corrected as he duly stepped up into her personal space. "We don't have creeks - y'gotta get with the lingo," he teased, brushing a kiss across her lips as he drew level with her height, for no other reason than because he could and because being out here, alone, with her had left him in a stunning mood.

She grinned, and she added another kiss on top of that, drawing it out just a little. "See we've got creeks, and cricks, and streams and rivers and basins and lakes and quarrys and bogs and waterfalls and just about any type of body of water you can possibly imagine, because we are land-of-water-everywhere. But fine, since I'm in England and all...stream, then." she said. "Either way, I'm positive that would have happened and we both would have gotten into big trouble." she said with a firm nod. "But I also think it would have been worth it because you would have been very proud of yourself. And it would just have been very cool in general. Plus--who doesn't like playing around in the water?"

"I could offer you 'brook' if you wanted something that wasn't 'stream'," Dean suggested. "But yes, dams I built as a kid did tend to work - but I was always good and they always got taken down afterwards," he told her.

"I knew I forgot one!" Lullaby said, backing up to make room for him, but she didn't actually hop down on the other side yet. "And that doesn't surprise me at all." she said. "I'd have been disappointed if you'd told me different." she said. She was smiling at him, an affectionate sort of expression. "I would have loved to have see that. Helped you out or something. Bet you were just adorable when you were working on one." she added, grinning now as she took hold of the posts and leaned back, swaying side to side a little as she eyed him. "Because you'd be all cute, and all serious and focused, and organized. And okay, you were good and took them down, I would have been the bad influence that got us in trouble because I would have wanted to see what happened if it was left up."

Dean sat down on the top of the style, hanging his legs down her side. "You're a smart girl - you already know what happens if you leave a damn up. Anyway, they'd just be a sticks and mud thing - what would have actually happened is that the water pressure would have built up behind it, then cracks would appear, and the water level would rise until it cascaded over the top. I was a little young to work out about variable levels and sluice ways," he shrugged. "Anyway, the only reason you build those things is to knock them down, isn't it?" he added - though he'd always been disappointed when it came to that part. It always seemed a shame to spend hours on something, making it work, making it perfect, to then just destroy it. But that was the way it had to be, right?

Again, she smiled as he went into the technicals of it, probably not at all realizing that most people wouldn't sit there and think about that, and definitely kids wouldn't. But he probably had. She planted her feet between his knees, then crouched down, holding herself up from falling by the posts as she got on eye level with him again. "Yeah, but the fun part would be seeing the water build up, and seeing how long it lasted, all that. I used to play in puddles all the time when I was little, and I used to make paths for the water to other places, making puddles somewhere else, or joining up littler ones to make bigger ones to play in. Make little boats out of anything around to send down that little diverted stream. It was a whole lot of getting muddy and playing with sticks, dragging them through the mud to get the water going." she said. "And I dunno...when I would build little things--probably not anywhere near the standards you had--I built them to come back to them later. Guess I never saw the fun in breaking things I built, if it's just getting broken, why build it in the first place?" she asked. "You fixed Henna's castle. Her kingdom will never forget it." she reminded him. In fact, he'd obsessed about fixing Henna's castle, though that had been in response to something else entirely.

"The challenge of creating something," Dean told her, answering without needing pause for thought. "Because you can, because it's there, because it needs figuring out, or because someone said it couldn't be done and you knew they were wrong." Dean had always loved building things, working out how things went together, working out what made things tick, or their structure. "And, you know, I can just imagine you playing in the mud," he said, though he left the comment at that. He always hesitated about talking about her past, afraid that he'd step on a nerve. She couldn't go back, after all.

She watched his eyes when he talked about creating things. "Sometime," she said. "I want you to build something for me. Doesn't matter what it is, I just want you to. But, the only condition? Is I get to be moral support, and do things like get you sandpaper, or glue, or something to drink or something." she told him. "And yes, I was always playing in the mud. Mud, and with rocks, and all sorts of things. I liked crushing up rocks and mixing it with puddle water to make paint. And once I was playing in a huge puddle around the water spout at one of the playgrounds after we'd had a lot of rain...so y'know, you could keep adding to the puddle. And it had these great colors in it. Well, turns out the colors were paint, and my dad had to sit me on the kitchen counter and clean me up for what felt like forever with turpentine in the sink." She grinned, that mischievous spark in her eyes. "He wasn't very happy with me that day but I had a great time."

Dean looked at her, quietly for a moment, before he knew that he had to clarify that, even if he'd prefer not to, really. "Step-dad?" he asked her.

She blinked, then nodded. "Yeah. Sorry, I...my mom married him when I was still pretty little, I just...he was my stepdad but I never really thought of him like that. He was just my dad. Gary, the guy who raised me. I just called him dad. They were my parents." And as she said that she realized that she used the past tense. It flickered a little shadow behind her eyes, even if she glanced away to cover it. "I didn't mean to bring up anything bad." she said, voice quieter than it had been as she looked back at him. "I'm sorry."

Dean shrugged a shoulder. "It's okay," he said, but he stood, silently encouraging her to let him down now, though he didn't try and actually push her out of the way. "'m sorry too," he added. Him and his brain, he couldn't just let it lie, could he?

She didn't say anything, she just went with the encouragement and pulled herself up, jumping down off the other side and walking away a few paces, looking around at the terrain, instead of back at him. This was part of it, of course. The need to get things talked about. So that they didn't hit snags like this. Or, who knew. Maybe even after they'd talked about everything they'd always be there, and she was going to have to just...not talk about things. It wasn't like he ever asked her about her past anyhow. She tended to want to know all about the things he'd done in his life, but he seemed to have a lack of interest. Maybe he just didn't want to know, like it wasn't important to him. She didn't know. But she supposed either way it saved on little moments like those, where she had to clarify if it was the man he'd killed for her, or the one who he'd probably seen at her funeral.

Dean jumped down off the style and caught up with her, gently taking her hand and stepping in beside her. "Sorry," he repeated again as they headed off over the field. "I, just - yeah. I... Sorry." Did it really matter? Had the question really been that important? That he had to bring that up right then? Had to make her talk like that - that obvious reminder that she didn't have that anymore? He was an idiot, he really was.

"It's okay, Dean." she said softly, gently, squeezing his hand reassuringly. It wouldn't have been him. I never met my dad til this year, when basically it appears he was stalking me. He met me when I was out for a walk, I think I was upset at the time, and I don't remember why. But there was a man who was following me, and he ran him off. And I think that was a set up. Had to be. Just...something to get me to trust him. I have no idea why I even wanted to, when he was following me after dark in the first place. ...god, you killed him on that same beach. Guess everything goes full circle, doesn't it? she thought, but didn't say. Because right now, she couldn't talk about any of that. Right now, she was being strong for him, and he still couldn't talk about any of it. So...she just bit it back. Let her mind have a moment to have it's little process, and then she shoved it right back down where it came from, with everything else she wasn't looking at right now. It was his turn to be fragile, so...it was her turn to be the unwavering foundation.

Dean walked a few more steps in silence, looking around, before he turned back to her a little. "But, see - sheep," he offered, though they were all hail and healthy and very much alive. It was a lame offering anyway, he knew that.

Lame or not, Lullaby took it. She needed the out for her mind as much as he wanted it too. They'd get to it all, they would. They would go back to their room and they would talk, and it would get done. Just...later. Not this very second. And either way, they were talking because he needed to talk, not her. She smiled, looking over at them. "Sheep!" she said, walking a little ahead though she didn't let go of his hand, so she could get closer. Or try to, she was willing to bet that they weren't going to be overwhelmingly interested to see her and make new best friends or anything. "What are these ones mostly around for?" she asked. "Wool? Food? Both?"

"Food, I think - don't think wool's really worth much these days," Dean shrugged, engaging in the information-giving again, thankful for the out, though the edge had been dulled for him and he was still brooding on his own stupidity. The sheep themselves turned and looked at the pair with dull eyes before moving a little way off and resuming the constant munch of grass.

"You never know. There could be wool socks out there and sweater vests aplenty with these guys to thank." Lullaby said, starting to follow them a little, at a slow pace. "I know how much you love sweater vests." she added with a little quirked half smile at him over her shoulder, and she poked him in the stomach while she was at it. "Stop brooding." she told him. "Where's this view you were telling me about?"

"I'll have you know that I don't even know what sweater vests are," Dean told her as they neared the other side of the field. "And the view is up there, so about a mile away," he added, pointing to the top of the hill they were currently near the bottom of. A mile and a good couple of fields, but you could just about make out the slightly darker green where the footpath led to the top, nothing more than a slightly worn indent in the field leading from style to style. "You good for a bit of a climb? And, yeah - I just... I am sorry, you know. I mean - I... Didn't need to bring that up," he told her, not denying that he was brooding.

"'Course I'm good for a climb." Lullaby told him, looking up to where he indicated. Yep, that was going to be a trek but she was good for it. At least they felt alone out here. That, she appreciated a lot, and she was starting to get more used to that exposed feeling from being out in the wide open. The wall helped. She didn't say anything for a few moments after he apologized again, thinking over what she was going to say. "I know you're sorry. And it's not really that you didn't need to bring it up that bothers me. It's that I couldn't talk about something normal without it hitting you like that. But--that's what we're here for. So, don't worry about it. I'm not upset, or anything. We'll talk about it when it's time, but right now, we're out for a walk, and looking at sheep, and you're giving me lessons in random British stuff. "I'm listening to you tell me about building stuff, because I like listening to you talk about that. And we're sharing little random 'when I was a kid' stories. That's what we're doing right now." she told him. "...so don't worry about it, okay? Unless you want us to start talking about that right now...let it go. We'll talk about it in a while." She gave his hand a squeeze. "At least give us to the top of the hill there. Then we'd be in the middle of nowhere, where we'd be able to see if anyone was around, we'd be absolutely, positively alone except for possibly some sheep, and we could sit down and have a pretty view for it."

Dean shook his head. "No, I - I didn't mean it like that," he told her. He would have let it drop, apart from her saying they were swapping childhood stories. And he didn't know where he stood there. "I - I don't want to. I mean, that is... I never know... You. Growing up. I - I... I don't want to hit anything painful. I mean, your parents, your mum and step-dad, your family. I... Kinda... I know you can't go back and I don't know - whether it's painful for you to talk about what was. Y'know, because... You can't. Anymore," he rambled, wondering if he was just making things worse by bringing that aspect of things into the limelight.

Lullaby slowed a little bit, and looked at him thoughtfully for a long moment before she spoke. "Is that why you never ask me anything?" she asked. "I sort of thought you just...didn't care." she admitted. "I mean, I want to know everything about you, but it seems like you don't want to know these things about me. If that's why..." she paused again, trying to figure out how to word it properly. "Dean, I had a good life. I was a happy kid, I had a good family, and talking about it...I get to remember the good times. I mean, I suppose I could fixate, and get upset and just mourn what I can't go back to, or have again, but that...it would be like cheating out what I did have? Why look at it so harshly, I'd rather look back and appreciate what I had while it lasted. Like that memory of Gary having to clean all the paint off of me? That's a good memory. I know a lot of people would probably just want to shy back away from it all, concentrate on the negative, but I just don't want to. And...I'd like to share those things with you, because y'know...you came into my life when everything was crashing down. And I know we have a good time a lot of the time, and we laugh, and forget all the heavy stuff, but there wasn't always times in my life where I even had heavy things to deal with. So it's kinda nice to look back and think about when I was a kid, and the silly things I'd do, or what I had fun with. It's what made me who I was when you met me." She paused, and smiled. "...y'know, the girl you fell for?" she added. "And part of me is gone, but not all. And it still played into who I am now."

Dean frowned, taking all of that in, but sticking on one point. "Did - did you really think I just didn't care?" he asked her, hurt by that, that she would think of him like that, that she would think that he was that kind of a person. It was different to her not thinking he fancied her - there at least she knew he was her best friend, but if she honestly thought he just hadn't cared at all, it left him feeling like he'd missed a step on the way down.

"Dean, I'm not a mind reader." Lullaby told him, looking at him. Seeing the lines, and the frown. "If you never ask about anything, or show any interest, what am I supposed to think? And it's not like we haven't had conversations before where you'd have had opportunity, because I ask you about your life all the time." she said, voice not pointed, not accusing at all, just presenting her point. "And I went and got the pictures a while back for my room, but you just..." she trailed off, not needing to put the fine point on it because he would know, wouldn't he?

"You might have thought there was a reason I didn't ask - rather than just assuming that I didn't give a damn," Dean told her, looking down at the ground. "I - I always push about everything else, didn't you think that - I mean. You just assumed that I didn't care? Is that really what you think of me? That I'm - that I'm that kind of a person who'd just... be completely uninterested in such a huge part of your life?" he added, sounding a little sad about that.

Lullaby sighed, and scrubbed her hands over her face for a moment, trying to organize her thoughts before she spoke. "You're right, you always push about everything else. So, why would I assume that you weren't on that for some reason? Why should I magically know that it's different? I know you really well, I don't know everything, and if you don't tell me, then...you're a lot better at hiding things than I think you know, and I think sometimes you think I should automatically know things even if I've got no way to." she said. "Which isn't fair. I still don't know what it is you expected me to think on that. Everything else you'd ask about, or...or even if you weren't sure? You could have asked me, but you didn't, you never let on that you even kinda wanted to know and were nervous to ask or anything." she pointed out. "And it's not about what kind of person you are--different things are important to different people. Knowing about what happened in your life before I met you is really important to me, and I've kind of let you know that by asking a lot, and the other night, telling you. It'd be a little bad of me to assume that just because something's important to me that it would be to you." She was quiet for a second, glancing away. "It's good for me to know you do want to know, it hurt thinking you didn't. But again...if you don't tell me something, Dean, there's no way for me to know about it."

But you just went ahead and assumed the worst about me, Dean thought, but he didn't want to argue about this, so he walked a few steps more in silence. The urge to say it didn't go away though, and - it wasn't them to avoid things. "I - I just... Sometimes it feels like whenever I don't spell something out for you, you assume the worst possible thing. And, I know - I... I'll try and remember that, I'll try and be better about telling you stuff, or asking, but... It hurts that you've been hurt by assuming something about me and not saying anything to check whether that was right or not, y'know? But, I do care, I mean - I just... I didn't want to upset you or anything. That's all." He stopped as they reached the next style and turned to her, lookng at her again. "I'm sorry."

She looked at him, and tried not to feel frustrated, but there was a twinge of it there. "...Dean.." she started, and stopped, arms hugging around herself for a moment as she looked at the base of the next wall for a long moment, trying to compose herself and her thoughts. God, did she not want to have an argument with him right now. not when they had a huge big awful thing to discuss later, too. But, they were talking about it now, and so...she wasn't going to repress. That just didn't mean that she had to say things off the top of her head, she needed to come up with a productive way of putting it. "It kind of hurts that you said it like that. 'Spell it out' for me. I think sometimes that you just...y'know, what's really really obvious to you? Isn't to me. And it isn't like I'm talking about an issue that you gave me anything to go on here, in which case, I'd be with you on being mad about it. But with this? You've never asked. Or hinted you wanted to know. There's been nothing from you on that end. So it's not like I've even gotten hints that I should have picked up on. So...yeah, when I tell the occasional story about me when I was little and you listen but don't ask for details or ever ask me to expand, that comes off as disinterest. Even if that's not what you meant, that's what it feels like from here, and...I'm not..." she broke off, exhaling in a rush, as she tried to pick her thread back up. "I don't mean to assume the worst about you, and I didn't think about it that way, I just thought it wasn't important to you. Like I said, different people have different priorities. It could have been that you were just different from me, not necessarily bad." She was quiet for a moment. "When else have I assumed the worst?" she asked, voice quieter.

"Thia - we had a whole conversation a while back about how I... I don't always say things. About... What you were saying again. Things that are obvious to me, the way I am, what I think - I know what you're not a mindreader, but sometimes I just... I don't see that people would see it any other way. And I just - we talked about it and how if there was anything ever that I wasn't saying that you were unsure about how I felt on, that you should ask me, or that - that it wasn't going to... That if there was a choice between a negative way of looking at it and a good way, then it was probably going to be the good way. And I'm trying to change that - I am, and I want to work on it and I don't want to be like that, but... It's not something I can do overnight, because I don't know I do it and I was honestly trying to do the right thing here and I know that I'm standing here saying that you should have asked when I should have asked as well and we should have discussed that and I'm sorry, okay," Dean said, descending into full on ramble.

The frustration she felt ebbed away as he rambled, and she walked up to him, and took his hands. "I didn't ask you to change overnight." she said. "I didn't ask you to change at all. I just...was trying to tell you how things are from here, and I guess...we did have that conversation, I remember it and all, just...I guess by then I already thought this, and it's not like it comes up a whole lot. So...I guess it's not like you told me that and I sat back and thought 'okay, well, what's everything I don't know about because he hasn't said' or anything." she explained. "Don't be sorry. I'm sorry if you thought I thought you were a bad person or something...but I didn't. Like I said, I figured...different priorities. Like...Joshua never asked either. And I don't have a lot of experience, so...for all I knew, maybe it was just a guy-thing."

Dean shook his head. "It's not - I.. Okay," he said, taking that, reaching for her hand, wanting that contact right now, feeling like he'd just massively overreacted or something, feeling bad for that. Had he? He didn't know, it just felt like he'd been in a great mood, then just one tiny little insignificant thing had knocked him off that. It shouldn't work like that, he knew.

She squeezed his hand, and pushed herself up on her toes to give him a light kiss. "I'm sorry if I upset you." she said, because she was, so it was genuine in her voice. "And if you want to know anything, just ask. Or, since I know now, I'll just...tell you if something occurrs. Which won't be different than what I did anyways, most of the time."

Dean nodded, not returning the kiss, though that was because he felt a little foolish right now, and guilty - he'd made everything crash there for a moment. He'd overreacted. There'd been no need for that, it had just come out of nowhere. "We should get to the top of the hill," he offered, his voice muted, yet audible.

She looked up at him, watched the sophie-lines coming up from him, and gave him a hug. She didn't say anything for now, just hugged him, because he looked like he needed it, and it was purely a comforting gesture, the kind she would have given him at any point in their relationship. They could get going in a second--this seemed more important first.

Dean returned the hug, then pulled back, giving her the ghost of a lopsided smile. "You think I'm gonna start asking right now - you can't put a guy on the spot like that," he admonished, trying to make a joke. He tugged her towards the style. "Come on, let's go."

"I wouldn't do that." Lullaby teased lightly, giving him a smile, poking him in the stomach as they headed towards the neat ladder thingy. "If I was going to put you on the spot, I would saaaayyyy..." she paused, climbing up. "Did you ever used to dream about me?" she asked, looking back down at him. "Now that would be putting you on the spot."

Dean actually laughed a little at that, rolling his eyes at her - she was good at being able to bring him out of a funk. "And I would saaaaaayyyyy - you know I never remember my dreams." he paused. "Or, if you didn't know that, then - Thia. I never remember my dreams," he informed her, quasi-formally. Then again, he was sure that he did dream about her. He just couldn't remember exactly what was involved.

"You never remember?" she asked, surprised as she hopped down on the other side. "Really? I do sometimes. I mean...a lot of times I wish I didn't because I have bad ones still, but I have neat ones too now and again. But really you never remember?" Point in fact she knew that Dean dreamed about her. Billy had told her that a long time ago. It was why he behaved as if he knew her, because...well, he'd kinda met her before he met her. Or experienced the impression of her through Dean. Which...now that she was thinking about it...my my. Billy had known for a long time then, hadn't he? "I was dreaming about a faire the other night. Like a carnival thing? I was looking for you."

And that answered what was going to be his next question - did she dream about him. "You were looking for me? And what were you doing at a carnival?" he asked her, making himself ask the question. He normally would have shied away from it because she'd died at the fair, but that had just got him into trouble, hadn't it? So - witness him acting, learning from his mistakes.

"Wandering around, looking for you." Lullaby told him. "I had this teddybear thing I think. And everything was really big. I found you eventually." she added, smiling at him. Of course, Oz and Billy had dropped in as well, but she didn't remember it all perfectly. But then...she could tell him some of it, couldn't she? "Billy and Oz came in...kinda checking in." she added. "Y'know, for not being that much older than us, they sure do act like parents a lot."

"They came checking in? You mean Billy... He brought Oz with him? They can do that?" he asked, surprised by that. Had they visited him as well? Nobody had mentioned anything to him, but then again he'd only called Sophie recently, and then it was just a checking in habitual phonecall with him getting off the line as quickly as possible - he just needed to know that they were okay and tell her that he and Thia were fine, that was all.

"Yeah, I guess so." Lullaby said. "And yeah, just checking in. Billy asked if he was allowed before I came here...he was waiting with me and Oz at the orphanage for your call. Did I tell you he put up a mirror in there for me? And I know you know about the cabinet. But yeah, he just came by. hung out for a while, Oz too. In...crazy me-brain carnival land."

"Well, we'd talked about the mirror thing," Dean said, trying to remember whether she'd specifically told him about Billy's involvement. Maybe, maybe not - he felt like he wasn't remembering everything these days. Like there were random moments just... missing. "So, was hanging out in your brain fun?" he asked her.

Walking along, clasping his hand again, she shrugged one shoulder. "I guess so. I mean, I don't remember everything perfectly. I know they were there, and I know that we talked for a while, and that they were checking in, but I don't have like...perfect recall of what we talked about. And then they left, and I found you." she said. She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye. "Things might've gotten friendly after that." she admitted.

Dean glanced at her and smirked a little, arching a brow. "Yeah? How friendly?" he asked, because he was curious and, yeah, there was something about hearing that she dreamed about him. He wondered where this had been in relation to them getting together - 'the other night' could take it either way and... God! Had Oz and Billy been in her dreams that first night after they.... There was something vaguely uncomfortable about that thought. Had they been in his as well? God! What had he dreamed about? What had they seen? he kne where his mind had been when he drifted off and...

She blushed a little bit, and gave him a sly little smirk. "Friendly." she answered, totally not fully clarifying. Mostly on purpose, just so he could wonder. "I'm sure you can use your imagination." she added helpfully, nodding and winking at him. But then she did know she had friendly dreams about him. She also had a lot of dreams where he was blaming her for things, and she couldn't find him, but she knew those were anxiety nightmares. He didn't really need to know about those.

Dean calmed himself down by focusing on her - what was done was done, right? He'd just... yeah, never be able to look Oz in the eye ever again. "I've got a very good imagination - but it's more fun if you tell me," he argued, though he wasn't going to push it if she wanted to leave it hanging. Well, at least, not right here and now. He'd leave that until they got back to their room and he could, maybe, suggest they act out her nicely 'friendly' dream. yeah, he liked that idea. Didn't know if he'd have the nerve to suggest it, but he liked that idea.

She laughed. "See that's highly unfair. If you never remember yours, then you don't know if you ever dream about me. But I'm supposed to tell you the passionate details of mine?" she asked, dropping that word in there just to tease a bit. She stuck her tongue out at him. "Noo faaai-iiiir."

She got another smirk with that, one that segued into more of a smile. "I'm fairly sure that I dream about you," he confided in her. "Could almost guarantee it. Would be disappointed if it was proved that I didn't. And, right, see - passionate. That's a big step up from 'friendly'," he grinned.

"I hope you dream about me." she told him. "And yes, passionate. Passionate, friendly things involving you and I. I think the carnival went away at some point, or maybe we just found a tent to hide in." she added, making a show of thinking about it. "Or maybe there was the carosel...where everything goes around and around and up and down and everything. But it's a bit fuzzy...I was a little more distracted by you in the dream's focus than location."

Dean took the next style first, swinging himself up the ladder and turning as he went to descend the other side, looking back at her. "Have to admit, I'm not to fussed about the location either - hearing about it, I mean. Carnivals aren't important," he joked, before he disappeared behind the wall.

She laughed, climbing up to hop down on the other side herself, though she held her hand down to Dean as she did so. "Yeah, somehow that doesn't at all surprise me, you not really caring about the location." she said. "Funnily enough, we're right on the same level there." she continued. "There might have been a table involved or something." she said, thinking about it.

"Really?" Dean asked, a little surprised at that - at least, if his mind was going in the right direction. she definitely had his attention now, he didn't even notice as the land started to really rise as they headed up the steepest part of the hill towards the top of the valley.

"I think so." Lullaby said, trying to remember. So she took a few moments, blushing the whole time, and really kinda wondering why it was she was embarrassing herself like this. but then, she kinda knew why. She'd pulled him a little farther out of his bad mood, and that was a must right now. "There wasn't a bed or anything. But a flat surface." she recalled. "Could have been a counter or something. But one was involved."

Dean eyed her. "I ever told you that you're adorable when you blush?" he asked, wondering if he'd mentioned that in the last couple of days. "And, okay - a flat surface, I..." He bit his lip a little and gave her what he hoped and what was meant to be an evil-type look, but in a suggestive-type way. Hopefully. or, he might just be looking like an idiot pulling a face - who knew?

Lullaby blushed darker. "No, you haven't told me that, and I see that look." she said, unable to keep the kind of evilish grin off of her own features. She knocked into him playfully. "And you what?" she asked. "Go on, finish your thought, mister 'I've got an interesting idea now about this whole flat surface thing you mentioned'."

Dean's lips twitched and he pulled her closer to him. "You know me - I'm not good with words," he reminded her, bending to brush a kiss across her lips. He moved his mouth up to her ear and smiled against the skin. "Maybe it'd be better to demonstrate later," he suggested to her, before kissing her earlobe and drawing back again.

She made an appreciative hum and drifted in after him when he drew back. She looked up at him. "You'll have to do that." she said. "Because we wouldn't want anything lost in the translation, now would we?" she asked, smirking at him and she grabbed the front of his shirt, pulling him back for a moment to give him a proper kiss, one that wasn't as in depth as she maybe would have liked, but was more substantial than the previous one.

Dean took a step down the hill as she pulled him back, so that when she kissed him, the angle was all different - with her more on a level with him than they usually got as he didn't pull back at all from the kiss, slipping his arms around her and ignoring the odd baaa of the sheep, which was the only real sound other than the faint hum of a car driving down the round near the bottom of the valley.

She put her arms around his neck, and pressed herself lightly against him, drawing it out, kind of liking the different angle thing as well. Because yes, she was a hell of a lot shorter than he was. Whenever they switched up height angles, she liked it, she was discovering. Like on the stairs, and she'd liked looking down at him when they'd been climbing the styles...and this hill thing was nice. That was probably strange of her, but of things that were weird about her? That was pretty tame.

Dean drew back and looked at her, weighing up whether he really wanted to go to the top of this hill, or whether turning round and going straight back to their room was a plan right now. It was tempting, it was really, really tempting, but he also wondered whether one of the attractions of spending the rest of the day in bed with her wasn't that they wouldn't be able to talk. Was he just still avoiding? He wasn't sure. But, just in case, he shouldn't do that. It was bad. Unless, of course, she dragged him back - that was something else entirely.

She drew the kiss out until she had to pull back to breathe, and she scraped her teeth over his bottom lip when she did so. When she pulled back she just grinned at him, an expression that articulated her appreciation. "We were walking....or something." she said, but didn't actually move, or, say, let go just yet.

"Yeah, we were," he agreed, a little reluctantly, knowing he was slightly disappointed not to be dragged. But, she was right - they'd been walking. So, he stepped around her, took her hand, and started to lead her back up the hill - they didn't have far to go now and as they emerged out onto the top, the wind hit them - not overly strong, but definitely cold.

Letting him lead, she looked around as they walked. Well, at least he seemed in a better frame of mind now. ...not that she'd kissed him for that reason, that was purely desire on her part. And she was still a little giddy with the idea that she was just allowed to do that sort of thing now. Just whenever she wanted, it was acceptable and everything. The wind was in fact, cold, and she stepped closer to Dean, though she smiled. "Oh wow." she said, looking at the view. It was clear she wasn't disappointed by it in the slightest.

The view out over the valley was really quite something. There were no roads up here and it was one of the highest places for several miles. The Hope Valley was spread out below them, stretching away in a green carpet of patchwork fields and small areas of woodland until it rose again. Further in the distance, the hills, moors and downs of the Peak District could be seen below the cloudy sky. It was lovely and Dean could appreciate it in all it's peaceful solitude. "Nice, isn't it? I've missed this," he admitted to her. "I mean, the area round Marquette is pretty and everything, but in a completely different kind of a way. I mean, I dunno - I could live without the city, but I like this kind of thing. It's peaceful," he told her, looking across.

"It's beautiful." Lullaby said, nodding then looking back at him with a smile. "And you're right...there isn't anyplace like this in Marquette. Nowhere this wide open or anything. And with all the fields and everything, it's just...I like it." she told him firmly. She was looking around again, thinking they should have brought his camera with them. She knew it was back in the room, but she would have liked it with them now. Unless he'd taken it with, but she didn't know if he'd remembered.

Dean stepped behind her, putting his arms loosely around her waist and propping his chin on her head lightly. "Sometimes I miss wide and open - though there's the lake. Looking out over that's... Okay, it's not the same, but you get that same feeling that everything's much bigger than you. Stops it all getting too much sometimes, knowing that it's not that important, that there's this whole world out there that doesn't give a damn about you or anything you do," he said, his voice just loud enough for her to hear.

She leaned back lightly against him, a comfortable position. She put her arms over his, and mused over what he said. It was a thoughtful sort of statement. Telling about Dean as a person, not something that really surprised her at all. "Need the reminder sometimes that everything that happens to you or around you is just one thread in a whole world full of them?" she asked. "It's a gorgeous perspective point." she agreed. And reminded her that she had to take him to sugarloaf mountain, so they could look out over all of the forests. The sea of different colored leaves, beyond that, the lake.

"It helps, sometimes," Dean said. At least, it was helping right now, though he didn't know how long that would last. He didn't exactly regard himself as entirely stable right now - his little outburst earlier on proved that.

Tracing her fingertips lightly back and forth across the back of her hand, she smiled, and just looked out at the world. "Kinda seems like a place where everything would be peaceful." she said. "Quiet...distant." She trailed off, more on her mind, but it was along a sad bent, and she didn't want to bring that into the conversation. That she used to be such a socially geared person in general, and since her death, she really wasn't. But standing here, on the hill with him, she could imagine living someplace like this. In the middle of nowhere, where things felt like this all the time. Marquette had the houses out away from everyone else, but there was always the hovering threat of whatever was going to go wrong next.

Dean closed his eyes and breathed in the cold air, crisp and clear, fresh. he didn't say anything for the longest time, just being still and being there, feeling her against him, feeling everything around them. They were alone, they were completely alone, just the two of them and they could see for miles. "I still don't know whether I just didn't hear him. Or whether I couldn't," he said, eventually, seemingly at random.

She was silent for a while after he said it, it not taking her that long to latch onto what he meant. So, she didn't ask anything silly like 'who, my dad?'. Instead, she thought it over. "With the kind of magic he probably knew...I'm thinking it wouldn't be far fetched to think that he had cloaked himself somehow. And he wanted the drop on us. So...he probably did." Tactically speaking, which she tended to think, it would have been smartest.

"I don't know - I... I was so wrapped up in you that night that I... he could have been a herd of elephants and I wouldn't have heard them coming," he told her, not blaming her at all for that, not sounding as if he were. She'd been a distraction, but that wasn't her fault - it was his, he'd allowed himself to be distracted, he'd dropped his guard. So many times, he'd dropped his guard.

Lullaby shook her head. "No." she said. "You would have heard." she told him, and there was conviction in her tone. "Wrapped up in me or not? You were..." she paused, thinking of how to word it. "When the thing happened with Gabe, you were over in a heartbeat. And you were on top of that situation immediately. I don't think even if you were letting yourself go a little as we were going for our walk that you really wouldn't have been paying any attention, and I think if you would have heard something, the first thing you would have done was turn around and...well..step in front of me. Because that's how you are. Besides. Tactically speaking, it wouldn't have served his purposes to let either of us know of his presence until he dictated he wanted us to. I don't think he would have wanted any part of that situation to happen without his control." An edge crept into her tone at the last bit. "He liked control."

"When there was the situation with Gabe, I wasn't busy trying to decide whether it would be okay if I kissed you or not," Dean pointed out, though he took on board what she was saying. "But, yeah - I get what you mean about some kind of stealth thing. I guess - he'd have the magic for it, I know that. I just... It.. Not knowing whether I missed it or not."

A ghost of a smile lit her lips for a moment. "I was trying to decide the same thing." she told him. "But I still think you would have heard. I don't think, with as protective as you are of me, that you would have let anything slip past your attention, especially when we were out in the open, in town. I know you. It wouldn't have happened. If you'd have heard anything, the first thing you would have done was look. No...he did something so that we didn't know he was there until he wanted us to."

Dean nodded, though he was still standing behind her, so he realised she couldn't see that. "Right," he agreed, before falling silent again, not knowing what else to say. It had been one of the things on his mind, but he had lots on his mind and the pieces didn't entirely match up. The piece didn't smoothly lead on to another, it had just been one of the peripheral issues, something easier to deal with than some of the things that screamed at him in quiet moments.

She tilted her head back a little, looking up at him, and she gave his hand a squeeze. Then she pulled back, just a little, but it was more to tug him down, so they could sit at the top of the hill here and stay for a while. It was cold, but that was what warm blankets were for. It was nice here, and he was talking, at least a little. She wanted to give him opportunity to continue. It was better than having to drag it out of him.

He sat, still behind her, leaning her back against him, like they did in the closet back home, her back against his chest, his arms around her. Only this time they didn't have the darkness, they had wide open spaces. But still, it was just them. "I didn't even hesitate," he told her, eventually. "I - I knew what I was going to do long before I did it, I was just - I needed to wait for my moment, but I knew." Of course, the definition of 'long' wasn't exactly accurate - time had been strange, moving much slower than it seemed in retrospect, the whole thing over in a matter of minutes. Yet it felt like a lifetime to Dean.

She leaned back, head against his collarbone as she listened to him. That didn't surprise her. Dean did that. He focused in, and acted accordingly. And in that situation, he was left with no alternative. "You waited for the right moment. He didn't even see you as a threat. Not really. I'm pretty sure he just saw you as a tool to use against me." She was quiet for a moment. "...it probably would have worked in the end." Or not probably. Anything to keep Dean alive.

"I - I know he didn't see me as a threat. I was just some stupid teenaged boy and I..." Dean closed his eyes and leaned his cheek against the top of her head. "I - I needed him to think that. I remember going through that, knowing that he needed to think I was harmless, that he didn't need to... That he could ignore me. I knew what I was going to do and I had it all - I could see it in my head. I couldn't let him take you," he told her. Because he'd known she would have gone, if it came down to it.

She went back to tracing her fingertips over the back of his hand, eyes out on the landscape, though her mind was back on that night. On his words, and she could imagine it all. "It worked. He saw what you wanted him to see." she said, voice soft. She never saw him like that, but...well. After being around his friends? Other people had, and apparently his whole life. She was willing to bet if they ever saw the him she knew, they'd be stunned.

"I know he did," Dean said, his voice empty. He opened his eyes and looked out over the landscape, feeling that lost sensation rising up once more, that empty hole, edged with fear that he felt like sooner or later he'd fall into.

Quiet for a few long moments, she shifted slightly so she could look back at him. "What bothers you about that?" she asked, voice soft, just for him. Even if they were utterly alone, it was still just for him. She heard the tone in his voice there, so it was a point that she thought needed expanding on, for him to talk through how he felt.

Dean snorted a humourless laugh. "What? About the fact that I knew I was going to kill someone, that I thought it through and planned it and that I didn't even have a moment where I didn't know if I'd be able to pull the trigger?" he asked, a clearly rhetorical question. "It's... It's knowing for a fact what I'm capable of. I think - I think the only reason that I haven't lost it completely is because I know it had to be done. It wasn't - there wasn't any other way out of it, but still, I... God, Thia - I killed someone," he said, his voice cracking slightly.

She heard it, and she shifted around. She put her arms around him, and pulled him to her, just wanting to hold him for now, a tight embrace so he'd know she was there. Know for certain, have no doubts. So he didn't have to hold everything up on his own. Or at all right now. She didn't know what to say to him. Or, more, she did know what to say to him, she just didn't want to cut into anything he had to say. The best thing for him to do would be to get it all out. Then she could damage control it, but she didn't want to cut him off from the expulsion of everything he'd been building up. So, she gave him the room to do that.

He clung to her then, burying his head in her shoulder and just clinging, not trying to speak. He could feel it, all there, he just didn't know how to deal with it, didn't know how to make it make sense. he hadn't wanted this, he'd never wanted this. He'd worked so hard at controlling himself, at not going there, at not going to the levels he knew that someone like him could do, but it had happened anyway. "I keep thinking - I... Whether, now - will it be easier next time?" he asked, though it wasn't to her, it was just that question. He hated the fact that he was contemplating the possibility of a 'next time', but that was Marquette, that was the world they lived in.

Next time. And she would try to tell him that there wouldn't be one, if she thought for even a moment that there might not be. But, she was a realist. And the reality of the situation was that she knew that there would be. It was just their lives. It was how it was, and there wasn't anything that was going to make that go away. The world wasn't going to suddenly stop sucking. It wasn't going to magically get safer. And the enemies in the dark weren't all clear cut monsters, some of them were human. The world they lived in wasn't a nice place anymore. So, she didn't even try to lie. It wasn't her it wasn't them. He wouldn't appreciate it anyhow. Not really. Her answer for that question was no. It hadn't been easy this time. It had caused him massive instability, was always going to mark him. "I don't think it will be, Dean." she said, voice barely above a whisper. "Not for you. Never for you." It was fucking him up badly enough right now. It wasn't anything he'd brush off. she knew that. Not ever, and if he started to? She would be there to make sure that stopped. She'd promised him.

"That's the thing - there's going to be a next time," Dean agreed. They both knew it, sooner or later something would happen. "It's - it's not who I want to be, Thia. I just - I don't want to become that bloke." She knew that, they'd talked about that - what he feared for himself, the things he didn't want out of life. She'd understand that, he hoped. "I - I don't want it to get easier," he added, after a moment. "But, if it doesn't - is it... I can't always run away, Thi. I - I can't always feel like this. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this."

She did understand, and she could see the dilemma. It was a big one, and one that didn't have any clear answers, either. She was silent for a long few minutes as she tried to think things over, fingers threading through his hair, then she drifted them down his back, only to repeat the motion again. "What's the source of this?" she asked. "What is it that's had you run in the first place? What's the root of it all? Is it you being afraid of becoming someone you don't want to be? Is it that you did it at all, or had to in the first place? Or are you running from having to do it again?" she asked. "Or something else, if it's something I'm not hitting on here, say." she said, mind obviously ticking along on things.

"I don't know," Dean told her, reflexively. He was avoiding - he didn't want to know, he hadn't allowed himself to think about it. 'Don't know' as a blanket, keeping him all safe and warm and protected. It was a false illusion, it provided him no real protection at all, but the words were there, automatically.

"I know you don't, because you haven't let yourself think about it." Lullaby said lightly, unwittingly echoing his mindset. "It's time you think about it. We can't work past this unless we know what it is your issues really are. Once we do...then we can work on things. So...take your time, and think about it." she urged him. "Talk it out if you have to, do whatever you need to that helps."

"I don't kn..." Dean stopped himself and took a breath, swallowing down the denial. He shook his head and extricated himself from her a little, bringing his knees up and resting his arms on them. "I... It's... everything. It's... Everything's been happening so fast - from the moment Oz gave me that gun, it's... It's been one thing after another and things keep coming and I'm afraid that - I don't want to lose control," he told her.

She let him go even if she didn't especially want to, much more interested in catering to whatever he needed right then. So, she stayed close, but as far as he'd put himself. Control. Things so often in Dean's world were about that concept. All the rules he lived by, the ones he expected from others, his own forceful personality when it came to certain things, his continual insistence of taking blame for everything... Control was a huge theme in his world. She listened, eyes on him the entire time. "What would losing control entail to you?" she asked.

"Just like this - I mean, not this-this, but this whole, I..." He stopped and made himself think, trying to put his words together in some kind of a constructive way. "I don't want everything to run away with me. I don't want to wake up one morning in five years time and find out I'm someone else. That's losing control," he told her.

Quiet again for a few long moments, she watched him. "Everyone evolves, Dean." she said. "Let me ask you a question. You said here just a few minutes ago that it started when you were given the gun, and everything's gone from there. Are you not okay with where you've gone from then to now?" she asked.

"That's the thing, I don't k..." He stopped and started again. "I don't like how easy it is for me. I don't want... You know, people tell me... Look, I'm... I'm good at this and it's just - it's... It shouldn't..." He stopped again and gave himself a minute. "It feels natural, or it did. It doesn't take any effort, y'know? I just - you just aim and pull the trigger and apparently I'm good at the aiming part. And, y'know, I got used to carrying it, even when I didn't have to. Hell, we're here and we had to have the discussion about whether I'd need it or not. I just... I'm a guy who carries a gun. It's like - what the fuck? When did that happen? Only more than that, because I use the fucking thing. And I'm used to it. It's - it feels like the beginning and the only way I can see is down."

She watched him as he spoke, hugging one knee to her chest, and she rested her chin on her knee as he spoke. Her mind was a little all over as this conversation went on, but none of that was visible. All she did was keep quiet, keep her eyes on him, and listen to everything he had to say. She watched the lines around him, watched for when they spiked, because that helped too. "I don't think the only way to go is down." she said, voice careful. "But if that's what you see, and if you see in yourself the idea that you've gone down already, then it's time you gave the gun back to Oz. Or left it locked up where it is. We're the only ones who know where it is anyhow. I'm the only one with the key." she added. "...If this is something you see as destroying you--then there's only one real answer. You don't do it anymore." She was quiet for a moment, before she continued. "What happens in your life, what you do, where you go, it's up to you. It's your choice. You can stay here. It seems safe here. And I know the transition would be difficult for you, but if that's what you had to do? Then that's what you do. It all comes down to choice." she said. "Choice, and what's best for you. What you can handle, and what you can't. If you're saying all of this falls under that 'can't' heading? Then you can't continue on that way."

Dean looked at her, knowing instantly what was missing from all of that, but not wanting to bring that up. If that was how she saw it, then he simply had to accept that and make his decisions accordingly. Still, it hurt - there was just no way that he was going to bring into it the fact that what that sounded like was very much that if he made the decision that he wanted to be staying here, he'd be staying here alone. To do anything else, to bring that into it right now, that would be tantamount to emotional blackmail in his eyes - if he decided that he would return to Marquette just to be with her then - he knew Thia. He refused to put her in that situation. And it wasn't fair to either of them. No, he needed to face this alone - he couldn't continue to cling to her forever. "You said you didn't think the only way was down - what else do you see?" he asked.

It took her a good minute or so to come up with how to word everything, and when she started speaking, it was with a soft voice, but there was a strength beneath it. Conviction, without being overwhelming. "I think that night, you didn't kill someone." she said. "I think you saved my life." she told him. "I think you saved your own. And the only way to do it was exactly what you did. You didn't do it with malice, you didn't murder him. You did what you had to do, and you happen to be smart enough to think on your feet. I don't think it came from someplace dark in you, Dean. I think it came from the fact that you love the people around you, that you care about them, and that you can assess the situations around you accurately. So you do that, you think fast, and you act, because that's what you feel like you have to do. Not because you want to, or there's any part of you that does. But because that's what you have to do to keep your loved ones safe. What you're worried about is some downward spiral, where this dark thing rises up and drowns you out, right? Or something like that? But if that's not even where it's coming from, then I don't think that's what'll happen at all. I think it'll be difficult for you any time it happens--if it does--but it isn't going to be something that's going to change who you are as a person. It's not going to make you spiral down. I know I keep telling you that I'd be there to keep you from falling--I plan to keep my promise, no matter what that entails. If I ever thought you were behaving rashly, or wrongly? You know I'd say something right away--try to stop you if I could. But even if something like that came about, it wouldn't be overnight. It'd be something we both saw on the horizon. And we'd be able to act accordingly to avoid it." She drew in a breath, and let it out slowly. "It comes down to perspective on some of this, Dean. How things are viewed. And even in the world who doesn't know about scary monsters and everything that goes with that--self defense is self defense. You just know how to do it better than most people do. That doesn't make it bad, or dark, or anything."

Dean didn't say anything at first as he listened to her. He wanted to believe her, he wanted her to be right. He didn't disbelieve her, it was simply that he didn't know. Had it even really been self-defense? He'd killed for her, hadn't he? And that part, he didn't regret. He didn't regret that at all. "I... I don't regret killing him," he admitted to her. "I feel like I should. I feel guilty and bad and... But about different stuff. But, I don't regret actually killing him. I - that's bad, isn't it?"

"No." Lullaby answered. "But I might not be the best judge. You can decide if you trust my opinion or not. If I would have been able to do it myself...I would have." she told him, something she didn't know if she'd said aloud, even when they'd talked about the situation, when she'd wanted to leave, to save everyone the grief. "I think you don't regret it because you didn't do anything wrong--which is what I was talking about. It was justified, not malicious. If it had been malicious, then yes, you should feel bad, and it would be wrong of you not to. But because everything behind it is different, I believe that makes all the difference in the world. I understand why you're worrying about not regretting it. But I think you're missing the point there. That really the only reason to regret something is if you really feel like you did the wrong thing. You didn't." she said. "What do you feel guilty and bad about?"

Dean shrugged and looked down. "God, I..." There seemed to be so much, though he'd not sat down and catalogued it as such - there was just that feeling of pressure there. "I - Well, about the fact that I don't feel guilty about that and I think I really should. I mean, i get what you're saying and I kind of know that, sometimes, it's - I mean, there wasn't any other way, but - there's the issue of... If I was in that situation again, I'd do the exact same thing. That bothers me as well, because, god, I mean, yeah."

"If we were in that situation again, you'd need to again." Lullaby said. "That still isn't cause for you to need to feel guilty, because it wouldn't be wrong then either. I--" she paused, drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "I trust you. I think you've got one of the best hearts I've ever come across in my life. I know I've told you this before, and you never listen, but that's how I feel. And I don't think that's going to change. And the reason that you did it the first time, and you'd do it again, is because of requirement. Again...not desire, not anything else, but because you would have to. So...unless what you're really feel bad about is saving you and me? You don't have to feel bad about any of it. If you did what you had to do, then there wasn't a choice. If you didn't have a choice..and if there had been a better one, you would have taken it, then there's not fault, no blame. ...I get why it bothers you, I just think you need to really accept that what you did...it wasn't a terrible thing. It was a necessary one."

"Remember the other day, on that tree, when we were talking? And I was talking about justification and the fact that sometimes I doubt whether I know what's right and what's wrong and I find myself trying to figure it out and think it through and that I justify things?" Dean asked. "Well, what if it gets like that? With - with some things I found myself knowing what I wanted and knowing it wasn't necessarily kosher, but figuring out ways it would be alright. Like - it was like knowing the way I was and then finding, like, loopholes in that. And if I've done that kind of thing before, then - I don't want - that's what I mean, I know what I'm like, I know how I get and I just... I'm afraid I'll start doing that."

"Dean, there's an enormous difference between 'hey, should I be petty because I can' and 'I think today's a good day to kill someone, just because'." Lullaby said. "There's a huge sliding scale here of things, and I think you're missing the part where if you started slipping on the little things--we'd both notice. You check yourself more than anyone I've ever met. You hold yourself accountable for your own actions...and, well, pretty much everyone else's too. That's what you're like. And just because you can find little things to justify to yourself, doesn't mean all of that was bad either, and we already talked about a lot of that and how to balance it out. This is a lot bigger, and I just...I can't see you getting there. And even if you started heading in that direction, we could do something about it before you ever got near what you're talking about, what you're afraid of."

And the 'we' was back, he noticed that and had to bite his tongue about bringing it up. Would she be there? He had no right to expect her to be. And it wasn't her job to look after him. He wouldn't get into that situation where she felt she had to look after him. "It still bothers me, though. That thought. I... I feel like I'm in limbo," he told her, deciding to take another tack altogether. "I - I don't belong here anymore. I just don't. We both know that. But - I just... The idea of going back there just brings everything up again. This and everything else and, right now, I don't know if I can cope with that. I don't know if I'm strong enough to do it, but if I say that to anyone, all I get is people telling me that of course I am, but it doesn't feel like that and I don't know if... People see how I get, y'know? It's like, something comes up, there's something that needs doing and, for me, everything else goes away. And that's all there is for a while. And people see that and they think that means I can cope. But - it's all the time in between. I can't reproduce that coping thing then. And it's just, like, I don't know," he told her, knowing he was doing a bad job of explaining.

"I know." Lullaby said. "I'm the one who makes you stop, remember? Who makes you take the time outs sometimes, because you focus in, and don't let yourself deal at all...so I kinda just...sit you down, have you take your time, and then you can go back to whatever, just so long as you've taken the time in between. She was quiet for a moment. "There's the option of going back but not picking up the gun again, if that's your main focal point of badness." she said. "Just because you have the ability to do something doesn't mean you have to. You can still decide not to do that." she said. It wasn't practical, but it was an option. "You say 'this and everything else'." she said. "What's everything else?"

"Thia - if I do that... It's not going to stop the crap coming. Just because I say 'no' doesn't mean the world will listen and fall into line. We both know it doesn't work like that. I'd be a liability to all of you," he said, seriously. He wouldn't be a liability - better they do without him than that. He shook it off a little. "Everything else is the vampires and the shadows. And the situation with Gabe. All the little shit and - just everything." But it was mostly those first three there, the two that came hot on each others heels, then the final straw.

"No, the world won't change. Our situation wouldn't, but I just...it's still a choice." she told him. "You can still do what you want." She was quiet for a few long moments, eyes still on him. "Things are quieter here. You still have an option to be here, too. Where it's quieter, and there aren't vampires and shadows and girlfriends to hide from the world. I mean...here, I can go with you anywhere and no one's the wiser. There isn't any real worry that someone's going to find out. I guess...I want you to know that your life...it is in your control. You can do with it what you want, you can go with it where you want to go. It's all up to you. And whatever you decide...I'll support you in it." she promised.

He looked at her then, wondering at the way she said that, if she was saying she'd stay with him if here was where he chose. That confused him, because earlier on she'd sounded so much like she wouldn't. But, either way, he knew he couldn't make this about her, because right now he had a tendency to do that. He'd been clinging to her recently, he'd been making things about her and he didn't know how much he'd been doing that, so, he had to take her out of it entirely to make sure that he wasn't doing that. He had to be sure that he wasn't making a decision based on her. "I... You're right, I have a choice," he said, eventually. "I just - I'm not ready to make it yet, but you're right."

"You don't have to decide anything right now." she said. "You've got time. And we can talk everything over if you want a sounding board, or just want to talk options, or anything you want. You know me, I'm one for talking out scenarios." she said, with a light little ghost of a smile that didn't last long. "And again...anything you decide...I'll back you up on it." Because that was something she was unfalteringly going to be able to do. Support him in whatever he was deciding. That was the easy part.

He was quiet for a long time again, not feeling the need to actually respond directly to that, taking the sentiment as it was meant. He did, however, start talking again, after a while. "I feel bad, running away like this. I always said I wouldn't do it and then - I was the first one out of there, y'know? Everyone else stuck at it. I mean, hell, I just dumped a body on Caleb and I haven't even - I just assumed he'd deal and he did and... I feel like I've been all about me in this and I really shouldn't, but I just - my head's all over the place, y'know?" he tried to explain, realising he was rambling across topics somewhat.

She didn't mind if he was rambling, it was still on the basic topic, so she wanted it talked over. She nodded, understanding what he meant. "Yeah, I get what you mean. I don't think you should feel bad though. I think something major happened, and you needed time. Still do. So you took it. That's more just intelligent and knowing yourself well enough than anything else. And unless Caleb's complained about anything, then I think it's okay. I mean...I still don't know what was kinda wrong with him that night, I just know something was. But...I don't know. I don't think it had anything to do with the body-removal. His lines didn't turn into black cloud til later." Then she looked at him and quirked another faint smile that didn't last. "Dean if you weren't all over the place right now I'd be a lot more worried." she said. "You're dealing with something huge and pretty life-altering. I mean...remember how I was the first few weeks after I was back? I'd be perfectly fine and everything and then randomly in tears. It's...well, it sucks but I'm pretty sure it's normal."

"See, I haven't - I never even asked about that. It..." Dean paused, then made himself go on. "It's not even really occurred to me to ask. I just - at times I feel like I've let everyone down. And then, at other times, I feel like I really needed to get the fuck out of there and that people would understand, but I just... It goes round and round like this," he told her with a grimace, knowing there was no answer to that. If he accepted that he needed his time, he felt guilty about being selfish, but suggesting that everyone needed him was selling himself up more than he'd actively let himself do and putting his friends down by saying they didn't care about his emotional wellbeing - there wasn't a win in this situation in Dean's overly analytical brain.

"People understand." Lullaby told him. That was another point that she figured was something she didn't at all have to think about, she'd just know. She didn't need the confirmation. "No one who really cares about you is going to hold this against you. You're doing what you need to do. So...don't worry about that right now. That part will be okay. Everyone'll understand, and it's fine. You wouldn't be mad at someone you cared about if they did the same."

"I know - and then I feel guilty about thinking things about that about people when I know that they wouldn't ever hold it against me, so..." He looked over at her, laying the side of his head on his knees as he looked over at her. "I'm a nightmare, aren't I?"

She reached out, and threaded her fingers through his hair, letting the go down his back a little, where she drifted them back and forth soothingly between his shoulderblades. "You're not a nightmare. You're emotionally messy. There's a difference. It...it gets better." she told him. "I mean...like I said before, you remember, when I was really unstable, and things would go from fine to tears in about point two seconds. But you helped me through that. Weathered the storms as it were. And I'll do that for you. Just know that nothing gets better overnight, and you're allowed to be feeling the way you do. Eventually it's not going to rain down so often. You just need to give yourself the time to do it, and try and stop repressing."

"Repressing?" Dean asked, leaning into her touch a little, reaching out to snag her free hand in his.

She shifted closer, to keep up what she was doing, more than happy to let him have her free hand. "Yeah...repressing." she said. "You...You've been shoving it all down. Pushing it back, not dealing with it. And I think you have a tendency towards it anyways. You seem to spend a lot of time taking whatever you're feeling, and pushing it away in one form or another. In this case it's really obvious, because you've flat out said you aren't talking about it any time it's come up. But...that kinda just makes things remain where they are, under the surface. So..." she paused, biting at her lower lip a moment. "We were walking up here, and there was that little snag we hit. If you weren't repressing things as much as you do it probably wouldn't have come out like that. As far as I can tell, from my own experience with it, is sort of...it's got to go somewhere. So, if you push it back, and push it back, it sort of comes out when you don't want it to, for reasons that aren't even related, because it's not like it just ceases to exist. Like a pressure builds up and finds the cracks...if that made any sense at all."

Dean considered this, lifting his head and shifting round so that he was facing her more. "I guess," he said, after a moment or two. "I just never really thought about it like that. It's just, how I am, I suppose. I mean, nobody shares everything with the world, right? There's stuff that you do and don't do, right?" he asked, clearly willing to discuss that and wanting her opinion on it.

Lullaby thought about that, pondering it over before she answered. "No, nobody shares absolutely everything that goes through their mind. But I still think you have a tendency to do it almost across the board as a default. Like...okay, let's just take your feelings for me. We just got to that. Even if your initial reason for not saying anything was that I had a boyfriend and all, I haven't had one for a while. You could have said something, and things were really pretty complicated for a while. Neither one of us was being open there, and repressing. For me, I would just...god, sometimes it was just so hard to deal with things. And I know sometimes I would take things really wrong, or really personally, and it was probably not nearly as big as it felt, but because I was making sure that I wasn't dealing with my feelings for you, that's how it looked to me." She paused, watching his eyes. "Explain your point of view on 'stuff you do and don't do'." she requested.

"Well, I just - sometimes you react to things and you know that the way you're reacting? Is bollocks. You know that people would look at you funny, right? So, you just... deal with it. You swallow it and don't say anything and you just deal with it. With me, I just... It's like I either know that something has to be done right there and then and I kinda... I have a tendency to flip out, overreact. And I - if I don't then, yeah, I mean, I can just deal with it, or that's how I usually go," Dean told her.

Biting at her lower lip, Thia watched him for a moment, something about that sticking out to her like skywriting. "...you know people would look at you funny?" she asked. That to her said a lot. And really she couldn't quite blame him, she'd seen him, seen his friends, and got the impression from a lot of it that Dean's life had been spent doing a lot of following the status quo. His own phrase about it--'also ran', that said everything. So she wondered just how much of his repressive tendencies came just from the fact that he was probably smarter than everyone around him, a shit ton more creative, and had a mind of his own he'd been pushing aside for years so he didn't stand out in the crowd.

Dean shrugged. "Sometimes, yeah. I - I know what I'm like. I don't react well to some things. I don't want to alienate everyone around me," he told her. Especially not when it was completely uncalled for. His initial reactions to situations were often less than fair, or at times stunningly inappropriate, and when it was his friends involved, it was better that he stepped on that than let it out. He didn't want to lose anyone.

"Why would not reacting well to something alienate people?" she asked. She was still thinking this here was a major, major thing. A revelation to her about him as a person and his life and tendencies. She was thinking back to the other night about it all. How the conversation had gone, how he reacted to it. Yeah, it all made sense, put together, it just wasn't terribly healthy. "A reaction is a reaction. You're you. How you react to things is every bit as valid as how anyone else would." she said.

Dean laughed a little and shook his head. "Not if it's kinda pissy when it shouldn't be. I mean, okay - like back there? Before? Down the hill - I know that was me overreacting. And I do that a lot. Just, usually - you don't get to see it. And you shouldn't have to see it, because when I've been given time to sit on it, my reaction's very different. I just - I overreact to things, so, yeah. You wouldn't be my friend, let alone my girlfriend, if I was a pissy bloody bitch all the time."

"Yeah, and that was a reaction that was overblown because you've been repressing dealing with what happened back home." Lullaby said. "Not any other reason. Give me an example of you overreacting to something. And I just...I know you. Don't tell me that I really don't, and all of this between us has been pretend, because you won't go with a gut instinct ever, and really you are just a pissy bitch. I don't believe that about you." she added. "I don't believe I get an edited version of who you are."

"You never knew how I felt about you," Dean reminded her. That had been a pretty big edit. "As for the rest, I mean - some times you see it. Like with Herbert and stuff. I was so pissed about what he said about you. And like - well, you've seen me when I come home with bruises. I just - I could have handled the stuff with Gabe better if I'd used my nonce more. I overreacted there. But no, with you - it's different. It's always been different." He didn't have that same feeling that she wouldn't accept him just the way he was with her. Course, as a result, she'd seen him overreact more than most people had.

"What happened with Herbert was a normal reaction, because you're my friend. And most friends get pissed at people, when someone takes a shot at them where it hurts most. Tha'ts not an overreaction, that's a human one." Lullaby said first. "And with what happened with Gabe...he was an asshole about everything. He told someone, didn't even try to call you, and you told me that he threatened me. So honestly, if you hadn't had the reaction you did there, I'd start wondering just how important I was. So that I think was justified as well." she added. "And okay, with me it's different..." she drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly, centering herself a touch. "I love you." she told him, something he'd heard a lot in the last day or so. But in this case, it was part of a point. "You know what I think about you as a person. Why do you feel like you need to do the..." she made a vague gesture. "The editing thing with them? That's..." she shook her head. "It's not good." she finished.

Dean shrugged. "That's just the way it is," he told her, not having any other answer to that. "Everyone does it," he added, certain of that point. It was just the way of the world - it was how you fit in, after all. It was what society was all about.

She stared at him for a long moment. "I don't." she said. "And...I really don't think you should either. If you want my honest opinion...I think maybe this is kinda...well...the root of the problem. With the repression thing. I mean...you even did it the other night. When we were out, you were upset, because I was starting to talk about certain things, and...it makes a whole lot more sense right now why you did that. Have you just done this, your whole life?" she asked. "Just kinda...cut out the best parts of you, so you'd...so no one would look at you like you were any different?"

Dean raised an eyebrow. "Talking about zombies is the best part of me?" he asked her, wondering if that's what she really thought of him and their relationship. Surely that wasn't actually what she meant.

"Of course not. Don't--that's very literal of you. Think bigger than that. You, being a creative mind. Having imagination and fun, and being able to intellectually discuss something bizarre, because you can suspend disbelief for a while. Not taking yourself so seriously, or worrying about what other people might think because they can't appreciate you for who you actually are, then they're..." she sighed and dragged her fingers through her hair, looking away for a moment. She knew if he could see lines, he'd be seeing them now. This was bothering her. On a pretty large scale. It just seemed offensive. That he'd existed in a world where he'd decided to cut himself down to the basics, where his friends didn't really know him at all, and he did it on purpose. So it took her a second before she could finish what she was trying to get at. "You've told me before that you were an also ran. You're not. and I don't think you ever have been. I think you just...made yourself and everyone else think you were, and for the life of me I can't understand why."

Dean frowned watching her, taking her in. He waited until she stopped speaking then he shifted himself round, putting an arm round her. "Thia, it's okay," he said, reassuringly, not really getting why she was getting all worked up about this. "I was always happy just being one of the crowd, really, I was. It never bothered me. And it wasn't like I could tell anyone everything about me anyhow - not with what I can do. I guess editing just became a habit," he shrugged, clearly fine with this.

Lullaby didn't say anything for a few long minutes. Mostly because she was busy trying to repress herself, because they were off topic here, and he needed to not be comforting her. This wasn't about her, this was about him. So, she tried very hard to swallow it all down as far as she could, even if she knew it wasn't the best thing to do in the first place. Her jaw was set, she was very tense, and she couldn't quite relax against him like she normally did any time he put his arm around her like that. "What you can do, and who you are as a person are different things." she said, voice softer. Subdued. "And maybe you were happy and maybe you're just fine with it all but I think what it taught you was to shove who you are in a box, and that for some reason you think you're wrong." she said, voice so carefully even. She also wasn't looking at him, she was looking down the hill at the spectacular view--even if she wasn't paying the slightest bit of attention to it. "And I think that's affected every aspect of your life. You know how you don't trust yourself? How you wonder if you know what's right and what's wrong and everything else? How you're convinced that you're going to fuck that up someday? That's just a bigger version of this. Because somewhere along the line you decided what happens in your head, the parts of you that don't necessarily match up with every one else, that apparently, that means they aren't right, or need to be hidden, or whatever the hell justification that you've told yourself." She stopped there for another moment, getting that neutrality back to her tone. It was difficult. "And I think it's all twisted in on itself. And you just kept doing it, and repressing everything and pretty soon it was across the board, and everything else and--" she stopped entirely. "I'm finished." she told him, so he wasn't waiting for her to finish her sentence.

And if I am wrong? Dean thought to himself, but he didn't say anything. He wasn't sure what he should say to any of that. He was who he was, there was nothing he could do about that. Sure, he could see some places where he could try and change things, to make himself better, to correct faults but the past was the past, he couldn't change that - he'd just been trying to tell her that it wasn't like things were bad, that nobody had forced him to do anything. It had just been the way things were - but trying to reassure her of that just seemed to have made things worse, so he wasn't sure where to go from there.

She wanted to go for a walk. She really, really did, but knew again that now wasn't the time, and she wasn't really allowed time for herself right now. They were here for him, right now this was all for him, and she could...deal later. She just knew it left her feeling awful. Terrible about everything, and like he just...didn't get it. didn't get it, didn't think it was important and all the things he did that perpetuated the cycle, he was still going to do. Because he didn't even see it as being a bad thing, didn't see the validity of it. For the first time in a long time, she felt almost hopeless. What was the bad thing about this case was it wasn't hopeless for herself. If it was about her, then it would be easier to take. But for him? that impacted her like a wrecking ball. She hugged her knees to her chest more, and rested her chin on them, trying to think of what to say. That, before she just said something else. "....we're off topic, I think." she said quietly, considering he'd said nothing to her.

"I'm okay about it, Thia, really," Dean said, not going with her effort to change the subject. "What's in the past is in the past. But looking back, it's okay. And I - I've been doing it less since I - in Marquette, I was doing it less. Long as you don't count the whole me and you thing, but that's - that was different. But - and here, it's just... Look, I know I don't fit in here. I used to, but I feel like I've really changed since this summer and even if I wanted to now? I wouldn't. I just don't want to upset my friends, okay? But - I don't want to upset you either," he told her, feeling like that's exactly what he'd done here.

She didn't say anything for a while again, biting back what she'd wanted to say. Biting that back, doing exactly what she was telling him not to. But she as a general rule didn't do that. Just when it actually was necessary, and it seemed like to her, he'd made a career of doing the exact opposite. Eventually, all she could say was something small. "I think you're missing my point entirely." she said, voice back to subdued. "And, I don't think you think anything I'm saying here is valid, either."

"No, I get your point, I just don't think that - look, it's the past, there's nothing we can do about that, I just..." He broke off, looking back out over the valley again. He wondered if he did actually get her point as another thought occurred to him, but he didn't want to think that one and pushed it away.

"I understand that." she said. "I know it's the past and everything, I know there's nothing that can be done about it, and you're fine with it and everything." she said. Which she still thought wasn't good, but that was just the way he was going to be on it, and she wasn't going to try anything there. "I just--" she broke off, drew in a deep breath, and let it out slowly. "What were you going to say?" she asked, since he'd done exactly what she'd just done and broke off without finishing his thought. In the same words, even.

Dean shook his head and looked down. "I don't know," he told her, but that left the words ringing in his head in an unpleasant way. "I - I feel right now like no matter what, I'm wrong, that's all," he admitted. "It's... yeah, I just. That's all," he told her, his voice falling quiet at the end. And he didn't mean wrong as in incorrect right now, he mean it in the wider sense. The sense she'd referred to earlier, the sense he'd always worried about.

That made her feel bad, and she let go some of her own internal flailings on it all. For the moment, at least. "I'm sorry." she said. "That's not--" she started, then tried to think more about how to word things. "I think you as a person, everything about you--the you I know. I think that you're on the level. I think that you've got good instincts, and everything else, and basically know what you're doing and you have a great sense of right and wrong. I think that the repressing thing you've done for so long...I think that just kinda...trips you up." she said. "So you want to second guess yourself, because you're used to it, and I think it's kinda got...bigger. So it's not just like...little things that you'd think would get you looked at weird?" she suggested, hoping she was actually making sense. "It's just hard for me to see you kind of hamstringing yourself, when I think you could just listen to your heart, or go with your gut, and you'd be absolutely fine." she said. "It's hard thinking about you feeling so lost, when I think if you'd let go of the way you did things before, that you'd know exactly where things were...or at least you'd have a pretty good idea."

Dean quirked a small smile as he looked over at her. "I - You know, you make it sound like it's just that easy," he shrugged, wishing it was - that he could just fix himself and be okay. She always had this massive amount of faith in him and he trusted her enough to want to believe in that, but he didn't have her inner confidence. He just didn't know how.

"I know it won't be easy." she said. "Just...keep it in mind?" she said. "I know you said you'd try to. I guess I'd just feel better if I thought you even thought I had a point." she admitted. "Cuz it kind of...just seems like you didn't." she finished. "Just know that I think your gut is right, and you shouldn't second guess. I think if you can work on that and get better about not thinking you might be wrong on things...eventually you'll feel a lot better, and you'll be happier in general." She attempted a half smile. "At least less stressed out."

Dean nodded then bit his bottom lip a little as he thought. He let it go, pausing for another moment, before he spoke. "I trust you," he told her, opening with that. "And - you know I don't always trust me. So... Maybe I could run things past you? Sometimes? Just, y'know, I mean... Not always, but just, yeah." Was that putting too much pressure on her? He didn't want to do that. But it would be good to have a second opinion on working things out if she thought he should go with an instinct he didn't always feel he could trust to be right.

"You can always run anything by me you want to." she said immediately, because that was something she could very easily say and mean. "So...whenever you want to, do that. You know I'll always tell you what I think." And actually, if he did start doing that, and she confirmed for him that he was right on things the first time, maybe it would be tangible proof for him that he knew what he was doing. That would be something that would hopefully go a long way towards getting him to stop repressing. Just the ingrained idea that he wasn't wrong. That he was trustworthy.

"Okay," Dean agreed. "And - in the meantime. My friends. I - I don't want to... Things have always been this way. I just... Sometimes they just don't get it. It's not - that's not their fault and - I don't want to upset things, okay?" he asked her, hoping she'd get that. He really didn't want to upset the status quo there.

She didn't like that, she still thought it was cheating. Like the person that they knew wasn't the person he was, and his point of view on the matter meant that they were denied him, and they weren't given the chance to accept him, but it wasn't her life, here. They weren't her friends. Or...not like they were his. So, she nodded, and glanced down. "Okay." she answered him, so he'd know that she wasn't going to push there anymore. Her own worries just pushed up, and she didn't know how to vocalize them, or even if she should. It wasn't really his problem, she supposed. It was hers now.

"Thank you," he said, butting his shoulder against hers a little, but not going for anything closer. He knew she wouldn't be happy with that - he could tell that simply from her response, but he didn't want to upset things with his friends. He didn't know what he wanted to do, but he knew enough to realise that he couldn't stay here long term - he'd accepted that much. Maybe it would be different if he thought he would, but why upset people and then leave?

She nodded. She was still quiet for a few long moments, trying to figure out how to ask what she wanted to, or say what she wanted to. They'd run into it the other night, she knew that, and...that was just her. She didn't now how to do things the way he did. She'd never been the type. She just...was unapologetically her, and if people didn't like it, then she just didn't spend time with those people. But, if what he was saying was how things were going to be, and she could respect that...did that mean she needed to fade into the background? Find things to do when he was going to be out with his friends, so she didn't wind up saying the wrong thing? She didn't want to put him in that position again, even if they'd worked it out the first time. If what he thought was that he as a baseline person wasn't acceptable to his friends...then she must really be beyond unacceptable.

Dean watched her, looking sideways at her, not saying anything, quiet whilst she was quiet, in case there was anything else she wanted to add, giving her that time to be not happy with things and decide whether she could live with that or not, understanding that she wasn't going to be over the moon with this or anything. He didn't expect her to be, so, he gave her to time to figure that out.

She let her mind go over everything, and looked down at the view, wishing he would say something. Move them forward, or...whatever. Why wasn't he? It was just letting her spin her wheels on all of this and she still didn't know what to do. In the end, she figured she better ask now. Might save on awkwardness later or...she didn't know. Something. "...when you're going out with your friends...do you want me to stay behind?" she asked, voice very quiet, and she didn't look at him either. Really, she didn't want to see what might be going on in his eyes or anything when she asked.

"What? God no," Dean told her, honestly horrified by that thought. "Thia, no - and... If it comes to that then let's just not go out with them at all. I'm not... No. Okay?"

His tone had her looking over at him, though her posture didn't change at all, she was still hugging her knees, and she just rested her cheek on them. She tried to organize her thoughts before she said anything, not that that worked fantastically well for her. Her thoughts were never that terribly organized. "I don't know how to do what you do." she admitted. "I don't...I'm just me, and...what you're saying, what you're getting at here, with...with you, and your friends, and...it happened the other night, even, you got upset because of things I had brought up and I just...don't know how to do this." she continued. "So if you don't think they'd accept things from you, they're definitely not going to from me. And I don't want you to be in...I just...sorry." she said, and looked away again. "So maybe it'd just be easier if I wasn't there, I don't want to mess anything up for you. I understand why you don't want to." She didn't agree with it, but...not her call.

He wanted to pull her onto his lap, but with her in that position he couldn't do that easily, so instead he moved round her, scooting round her back and settling himself down so that his knees were either side of her and just put his arms around her, leaning forward into her gently. "You won't mess anything up, Thi," he told her, trying to sound reassuring. "I just - I'm not saying you can't be yourself. I wouldn't want that. I just mean - just don't blame me for not pushing who I am on them, okay?" He paused and rested his head against hers a little. "...And remember that they're not geeks. They're really, really not. Even that, it's like... a whole other world. They just don't get it."

She wasn't sure she got it. Or where there was a difference. "I just feel like I'm going to say the wrong things again, and that's just going to make things harder on you." she said. "Because I'm just--I'm not like that, I don't know if I can do it. And if I try then I'll probably just...get really quiet and self conscious, and I'll second..." Guess. And basically do everything you just told me you do on a regular basis as a matter of course, and just thinking about it makes me feel like I'm suffocating. "And if I don't, then if they do get you alone, then I'm sure you'd have to answer a lot of questions about why it is you're giving someone as strange as me the time of day." she added, figuring that was a facet as well. And if he was worried about being accepted, then--that wasn't the way to go about it.

"Then - I take it back, don't... Just be yourself. I don't want you to feel uncomfortable, Thia. I really don't. So, if this isn't doable for you, then it's not doable and just - be yourself," he told her. She was more important to him. Right now, she was the most important thing to him and he wouldn't risk that, or her.

She was quiet for a long moment, feeling bad all around, even if she couldn't even say which directions it was all coming from anymore. "What is it you want me to do? Or...how you want me to behave, or...you said you take it back, but...I don't know if you asked me to do anything, and I just...just tell me what you want." she tried.

"I must have asked you to do something if you're telling me you can't do it," Dean pointed out to her. He hadn't thought he was asking much, but clearly what he'd said was more than he'd thought for her. "I just... They've always had this picture of me and that's always been okay. There's no point disturbing that now. It's not like I'm going to be here forever, Thia and I don't want to have to deal with losing the friends I've had since I was a kid. Look - who I am now? I don't fit," he told her, reluctantly almost. He hadn't wanted to think about this, really hadn't.

"I know, I understand what you told me." she said. "I...I don't agree, but I'm of a mind that if they can't accept who you actually are then they aren't actually friends. But that's far easier for me to say when it's not my friends on the line. And I know what it's like to lose them all in one shot." she told him, tensing again, even if she wasn't trying to. "I'm just...with the way you're talking, and everything else, then...I am not a fitting piece for this picture. And you can do it easy, I guess. Just...do what you've always done, and that's okay for you but I'm not the kind of person who does, and...I'm going to reflect on you. I hadn't really thought about it before, but if you're right? If they really aren't accepting people, and everything that goes along with that...then me being me isn't..." normal enough. Good enough. There's a few picks here that would apply. "And I don't want to...disturb the picture." she said, going with his wording.

"It's a risk I'll take," Dean told her. "I want you with me, and if they can't deal with that then fuck em, but we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. But I want you with me. Now I've finally got you? I'm not going to just - no. Just no," he said, hugging her more tightly to him.

She finally relaxed a little back into him, uncurling a touch. It was nice to hear that he valued her as much as he did and all, but she didn't want things to go there. To wind up in anything even resembling a them-or-me situation. That...wasn't acceptable to her. Completely beyond any feelings she had on them, acceptance, him, repression--any of that, it didn't matter because at the end of the day she never wanted to put him into that kind of a scenario. Never-ever. "Do you want me to try?" she asked him, voice light.

Yes. "I'm not going to ask you to do anything you're not comfortable with," Dean told her. Both the thought and the words were how he felt - he just wished that they weren't potentially contradictory.

Lullaby didn't say anything for a moment, before she shifted, looking back at him. "That's not an answer." she said, finally making the eye contact, and managing to hold it too. She could feel it, issues rising up in the back of her mind, ones she hadn't actually battled a lot in her life. The question of being good enough, or if she was a strange girl. If she was stranger now than before she'd died. If he thought that she was wrong because of it. All kinds of insecurities were blindsiding her, and she wanted to shut them all out, but that was difficult.

Dean shrugged and met her eyes. "Maybe we could just avoid talking about, like, zombies," he suggested. It was already the case that they had to avoid talking about so much of their lives though, they'd end up with nothing to say. Then again, that was him all over, wasn't it? He'd always just kept his mouth shut and kept quiet. But he didn't want that for Thia, it might have been who he was, but it had never been her, it wasn't her at all. "No," he said, after a moment. "No, I don't want you to try - you wouldn't be being you. I want you to be you."

Some bit of relief flooded her, but it didn't actually make everything better. It didn't take away her worries, it didn't made her stop wondering. She also wasn't entirely sure if she believed him or not. "But what if--" she started, but didn't finish the thought, since she didn't really want to start going through a scenario. Or, say, unleash the flood of insecurities onto him.

"Let me worry about 'what if', okay?" he told her, leaning forward to brush a kiss across her lips. No, he couldn't expect her to do the things he did, it wouldn't be fair. For all she talked the other day of him treating her the same way, it still wouldn't be fair. And this was just short term, whilst they were here. Things would get worked out and then it would be over. He just... Had to get his head sorted out.

She kissed him back, and tried very hard to push everything back down again. That same thing she knew he shouldn't be doing. Now just wasn't the time. Not for her, or anything with her, if it got kicked up or not. She needed to refocus. She felt a little like crying, though she didn't get anywhere near it. Vaguely, she wondered if it was her own issues finding a way out of her system because she'd had them on ignore. Stood to reason. "I'm sorry." she said quietly.

Dean frowned, resting his forehead against hers. "What for?" he asked. As far as he was concerned, she had nothing to be sorry for. Apart from the fact she had a boyfriend with major Issues.

"We're...off track." she said. "We're meant to be talking about everything that happened, and working through all that, and I feel like we make progress on it and everything, but...I'm sorry." she repeated. "How do you feel on that?" she asked.

"On what?" Dean asked, trying to keep up as he realised she wasn't apologising for what they were talking about, but for the fact that they were talking about what they were talking about. "Erm - about what happened? About progress? Or about the fact you're sorry?"

"About progress." Lullaby clarified. "Do you feel at all like you've gotten anywhere?" she asked. "Like this has helped at all? Is there more that you want to talk about on it, or..." she trailed off, wanting to know if this had in any way done anything. She knew he was still needing to make a decision but that was something he'd do in time, so she wasn't asking about that in the slightest. Just about things in general.

"No, I - there's progress. I - I don't know how much. I mean there's no miraculous answers appearing or anything, but... I have things to think about now," he told her. Which was a step up, because it meant that he would actually think about them now. That in itself was progress.

She definitely caught the change there. Because before he was so adamant about not talking about it, not thinking about it, not even being okay with mentions of Marquette...so having things to think about, that was in fact, a step in the right direction. "That's all I wanted to hear." she said. "If there's a start, then...then that's something." She'd take it, and she knew full well that when there was something so huge it threatened to blot out the world then time was a huge factor in it. It had taken her time to work past things. "And you know I'm here..." she said. "Any time you want anything...I'll be here."

"I know and you can't appreciate just how much that means to me," Dean told her, knowing that one of the reasons she'd never be able to appreciate that was because he wouldn't put on her the burden of knowing just how much he needed her right now. He wouldn't put that much pressure on her, it wouldn't be fair. She was there for him anyway, she was always there, she didn't need him telling her that, not when she gave it anyway.

She gave a light smile, and kissed him again. She let it linger, but didn't deepen it. Just...let it draw out a little. "You were always there for me." she said. "Always. Ever since you found me? I've never really felt...well. Alone." Or, when she had, it wasn't for long. It was something that got dispelled pretty quickly as well. "I don't want you to feel that way either. And I just...I'm glad you know I'm here." she finished, tone genuine, because she was. It was a very good thing for him to understand, and he did. It made her feel better.

"I do - thank you," he said, giving her a hug, holding her close and whilst he made no attept to let her go, it was a gentle hold. He wouldn't put pressure on her, he just wouldn't. "So - you wanna head back?" he asked her.

She didn't answer right away, just leaning back against him and she hugged her arms around his for a moment. "So we can see the cemetery, and put serious thought into tables?" she asked, teasking very lightly. She leaned her head back against his collarbone, tilting it towards him. It was cold, that was one thing. So warmth and being inside sounded good.

"As long as we're not putting serious thought into tables in the cemetery, yes," he agreed, smirking slightly. "Our room has that dressing table, right? Think that would do?" he asked her, being a good boy and not suggesting that they skipped the graveyard.

She laughed a light bit, and brushed a kiss beneath his jaw. "No tables in the cemetery." she agreed. "Annnnd....hmm....I think it would do." she decided. And heat flooded her cheeks, because she wasn't used to the idea of just...discussing something like that, but there they were. Of course it was her own fault for sharing the details of the dream in the first place...and hey it could in fact, pay off. She was more than happy to find out, anyways.

He caught the blush and kissed her soundly, simply on the basis that that was a damn good look on her. Drawing back, he pulled her to her feet, smoothly, before kissing her again, just for good measure. "So - the graveyard then?" he suggested, slightly breathlessly. Yup, he was being a good boy.

He could keep kissing her like that. Really he could, she didn't mind. She kissed him back and was just the tiniest disappointed when he pulled back to speak and such. She bit at her lower lip as she looked up at him, and smirked a touch. "...It'll still be there later...right?" she asked. "Not going to evaporate or anything...I mean, we've been outside for a while now and it's been cold, and I really wouldn't want you to get sick or anything so maybe we should just get you warm." she suggested, totally not behaving like a good girl. That was helped with the fact that she grabbed the front of his shirt to pull him down to kiss him again.

Dean wondered if it was possible to get down a hill whilst not stopping kissing someone. Cos, well, yeah - that was... There as really something about being forcefully kissed like that that he wanted to get more of. "If that's what you want..." he said, toning it so it was her decision - as if it wasn't completely what he wanted. Like she had to twist his arm. yeah, right.

Kissing him again, and making sure it was a substantial one, one that was going to give him ideas--or at least, that was her goal--she didn't answer til breathing was necessary again. Then she looked up at him, letting her eyes open slowly, letting him see desire there. "...you were asking me what I wanted?" she asked him. They'd done what they had come here to do. They'd talked about things, and he said there was progress. Which meant that things felt at least a little less heavy. Which meant she could do this. Look at him like this, let other things fall away for a while. Plus--she wanted to. It wasn't just a question of being able.

"Let's go," Dean said, grabbing her by the hand and pulling her down the side of the hill, not needing to be looked at like that twice. Because right now, that room seemed almost too far away, especially when she was looking at him like that.

Lullaby laughed, a genuine sound, pleased as he did that, and she went with. She even started tugging them faster, just fine with leaving the view behind for other things. Plus she wanted to push him back against one of the styles and kiss him again, just to distract for a moment. That and earlier when they'd been going over them in the first place she'd had that bit of an urge. They were young, and in love, even. They were allowed to do that kind of thing. Really, if more people indulged, maybe the world would be a slightly less horrifying place.