Text Message

To: Jordan
From: Chance
When: 11:00pm

Jac - where've you been? you okay? if you're awake, can I sneak over for a bit? need someone to talk too and I can't sleep...but if you're asleep...that's okay too. just let me know everything is okay with you? okay? - chance (sorry for all the okays)

~*~*~*~

11:15pm

Watching tv at super low volumes. almost didn't hear phone it was on vibrate. sure come over. okay. - Jac

~*~*~*~

Chance received Jordan's message and didn't bother replying before he was out the door. Quietly of course, since he wasn't really suppose to be gone and he hadn't told his mother he would be.

He took his skateboard instead of the car and arrived at Jordan's a bit later, and pulled out his phone again while he stood on her porch and texted her, not wanting to knock on the door since he wasn't sure she'd even be allowed to have him over.

On your porch...

Jordan snatched her phone as it fell off her leg (she put it somewhere she'd be sure to notice when it went off again) and looked at the text. With a small roll of her eyes she slid quietly off her bed and padded over to the window to peek down to the porch. Sure enough there was Chance. Quickly she pulled her robe over her pj's, and slowly crept downstairs. Her parents were probably asleep and she didn't want to wake them.

Doing her best to not make too much noise she unlocked the front door and pulled it open. She gave a little 'hello' wave to Chance and slipped outside, closing the door carefully behind her.

He slid his phone back into his pocket when she stepped out onto the porch and he resisted hugging her, because well...for obvious reasons. Chance bit at his thumbnail anxiously and shifted from one foot to the other. "I didn't mean to text you so late. I won't get you in trouble, will I?"

She shook her head, and realized she left her notepad inside. Pointing into the house she placed her hands on the side of her face, mimicing her parents sleeping. After that she gestured to the bench on the porch, not knowing if he wanted to sit or not.

He didn't really want to sit, but he did so anyway, his knee immediately starting to bounce in his usual restless tic. He leaned forward and rested his elbows on his knees to stop it while clasping his hands loosely. "You're not mad at me are you?" he asked, glancing briefly at her. Something felt off, but maybe it was just the mood he was in.

Jordan furrowed her brow and shook her head. What made him think that? 'Not mad' she signed, having to spell out 'not'. 'What's wrong?' She -had- been busy with work, getting in a few full weeks before school started... she felt that it looked better since she had put in her notice. Thank god for her parents not insiting she work while she went too school... that with learning a new language would have killed her.

He was relieved that she wasn't mad, though he wasn't quite sure why he would assume she might be. He hadn't heard from her in a few days, but then again, she hadn't heard from either. "Nothing," he said in response to her question, though he knew it sort of contradicted his initial text saying he needed someone to talk too. But even as the lie came out of his mouth, the truth pushed forward and he kept talking. "I just...everything feels fucked up right now. But the stupid thing is, it didn't yesterday. I was okay yesterday. And today I'm fucking pissed off."

'Want a drink?' She asked, ready to listen to him with whatever he wanted to talk about. Jordan wanted him to feel comfortable though, maybe he'd be more inclined to open upto her like he had with Devon. She knew they had a close relationship and while Jordan knew she could never replace Devon, but hoped she could be as good of a friend.

He sort of did, though he knew she wasn't offering the kind of drink he wanted. So he shook his head and ran a hand through his hair before sitting back against the bench. "I don't want to go back to school if Devon's not there. I mean, I know I have too. But I really don't fucking want too." He motioned with his hands, as if they could express things better than his words could. "I just have a bad feeling about everything right now because everything's different and it's going to get worse."

Jordan lowered her head and stared at the floor. Nodding slowly she pulled her robe around her, hugging herself slightly. She knew how he felt, she wanted Devon back just as much. Although Chance had known him longer, she still felt that they had a connection. Things were different, they both were... and she knew that if Devon was there that everything would be ok. At least it wouldn't seem as bad. God how stupid could she have really been to have cause this? She nodded again and glance at him from the corner of her eye, things always got worse... and if next year wasn't going to be bad enough, the year after that Jordan would be all alone. But enough with the self pity, it was Chance who needed to vent right now. Slowly she placed a hand on his knee, hoping to show some support- even though she didn't feel really supportive.

It wasn't that Chance blamed Jordan for what happened. She had enough guilt of her own, he was sure, that she didn't need to add his to the pile. But sometimes, when he couldn't really control his thoughts, he wished he'd never introduced them. Though those thoughts were always fleeting, and he always felt his own sense of guilt afterward.

But that wasn't what any of this was about. Not really. Devon had been his best friend, and quite simply, had been one of the biggest reasons why Chance hadn't gotten in more trouble than what was the norm.

"I don't feel in control of anything," he muttered, eyes glancing to her hand on his knee. "And I did yesterday, you know? I felt fine yesterday. I don't like who I am today, and I feel like I've become some big fucking pussy, whose just around now to play some phony part to prove I'm capable of good behavior." He was growing more agitated as he spoke and his knee started bouncing again as he bit at the pad of his thumb absently. He might have punched something. If there had been anything around to punch.

Jordan looked up at him and shook her head. God how much she wished she could communicate easier with him. She wanted to tell him he was full of shit, and that he'd never been a pussy much less a big fucking one. The truth was she had no idea how to help him. She wished she did, she'd know what to say to make him feel more at ease. She'd be able to make him laugh at how much of an idiot he'd been for thinking the way he'd been thinking. 'Just because you don't fit in, doesn't mean you're not good.' She tried to sign, she knew most of the words, but not how they fit together smoothly, so she found herself spelling most of them out. God she felt like the worst kind of friend... one who didn't know that they can't help the situation so they try, only to make things worse.

He had a hard time following her signing, but he realized what she was saying. He wanted it to be as easy as that. To have a friend reassure you that you weren't a bad person, or insane for that matter, but Chance wasn't feeling it, and that only irritated him further that it couldn't be as simple as he wanted it to be.

"It's not just about fitting in, you know? I don't give a shit if I don't fit in. I've never fit in. But this normality I'm pretending to live in isn't working. It's all a bunch of bullshit. My best friend's in a coma, I hate my fucking mom, the girl I'm in love with makes me feel like the biggest dumb ass sometimes, and I can't..." He raked his fingers painfully through his hair, brushing over the scarred flesh slightly behind his ear from the gunshot wound. "I can't..." He was ridiculously close to tears which made him feel like that gigantic pussy he'd mentioned being a few moments ago. What the fuck was wrong with him? "I don't know anymore. I'm sorry," he said, not meeting her eyes. "I shouldn't have come over."

She wanted to yell at him for being such an idiot. Life sucked... especially hard when you weren't normal. And so what if he wasn't? Why did he even want to pretend to be? She wanted to smack some sense into him, but she couldn't find it in herself to actually smack him. She punched him in the arm instead. 'Why normal?' She signed, trying to keep things simple. Hell if it got the point across she'd 'ugh me caveman' if she had to.

"Because if I don't pretend like I'm normal, then where does that leave me?" he asked, finding himself relaxing back against the bench again. His gaze shifted to stare out into the dark. "You know I always hear that people see things differently, and try to change their lives for the better after reaching the lowest point they possibly can. But how many try to change things and find it's worse, and just want to go back to how things were before?" Whether or not he was making any sense at this point was beyond him.

Jordan frowned. 'No worse place.' She tried to convince him. 'Still have friends. Life sucks. You're stronger.' And knowing she 'sounds' like a complete idiot with her simple scentences she's more than tempted to add in: Do, or do not. There is no try.

"I want to be," Chance said, once she was finished. He did want to be stronger. He was trying really hard to be. He didn't like feeling weak, whatsoever. It pissed him off when he felt weak and things got messy when he was pissed off. Reaching out, he took her hand in his and held it tightly because he knew the contact would help. She was real and solid and he wanted that at the moment.

Jordan fought the creepy crawly feeling spreading across her skin and left him hold her hand. She knew it's what he needed. A good friend knew he needed more than just silent word comfort, and it took a lot of effort, but she did it. She slowly pulled her hand free and slipped her arms around him, she was never much for hugging before Devon, and not since... but she was warm and cared for her friend, so she'd get over herself.

He knew it took effort on her part to actually hug him, and he acknowledged it in the back of his mind before he wrapped his arms around her. Burying his face in the crook of her neck, he simply accepted the gesture because all of the sudden, it felt as if it was what he needed. She wasn't pushing him away, or calling him a freak, or insane. She was simply there for him. His arms tightened and he breathed in, letting everything else go. At least for now.