the worst part

who: Caleb
where: various places
when: most of the night

After hanging up with Mathias a few hours earlier, Caleb had wandered. He'd kept wandering, not more or less too deep in his own head to pay too much attention to his surroundings. By the time it was after midnight and heading on towards three in the morning, he'd accomplished a few tasks.

He'd bought a lot of bags of foil confetti, bright, shiny and colorful bits of it, and he'd sprinkled them down into the water all around blackrocks, to decorate the bottom for Melia. Then he'd thrown a whole box of bangles into the water at various places around the island as well, finishing off the ones he'd bought for her in the first place.

Later, after dark, he'd gone to the orphanage and wandered around there for a while. He wound up in the auditorium, where he drew Leija's shadow on the wall. All black, done with charcoal, but it was her in his head. Her and the shadow of her wings. Why he had wanted to do it, he didn't know--really, with the nature of her wings, they wouldn't cast much of a shadow, along with the rest of her because she was the light source. Her shadow would always be beneath her, to some extent. But she had a shadow now, something he made larger than life, standing up on some of the prayer chairs and an old desk he found to finish the job. That was time consuming, taking him til after midnight.

He stayed there for a while, silent. Hell. He hadn't even listened to his mp3 player all day. His thoughts were too messy, too much of an unstructured discontent storm of badness that he wouldn't have been able to concentrate on it, let alone derive enjoyment from it.

Caleb thought about everything. The females in his life--all of which were now off limits in some capacity or another. His mother he never even considered. No one knew where the fuck she was anyways--though with the way he was feeling now he thought both of his brothers could know and they were just keeping it from him. They were both apparently really good at that. Didn't matter that he wouldn't have tried talking to Ten again if he had the opportunity, he still felt like he couldn't see her soon because he didn't know what to say. Jamie had skipped town entirely and he hadn't heard from her. He wouldn't have called her, even if he had a contact number. Not now. He wouldn't know what to say, and in his current frame of mind, he would likely be short with her in the first place. It wouldn't be fair, and he knew it would only make him feel worse. Melia was just Melia, and wouldn't understand anything he was talking about in the first place, so...no. Leija he probably would have gone to see, but well. That whole angel thing was throwing him for such a hard loop he knew he wouldn't be able to without discussing that. He soooo didn't want to and couldn't explain why the concept bothered him in the first place.

Then there was the question of his brothers. He didn't want to see either of them. As far as he was concerned, he'd thought things were okay, not perfect but far better than he'd have thought a few months ago--and he'd just found out that both of them were keeping things he thought were pretty fucking important from him. He couldn't decide if it was because they were treating him like a kid, or what. Maybe it was some other reason. Maybe he just wasn't trustworthy. However, the reason didn't really matter to him. Why didn't matter to him then, it was the principal of the thing. It was that huge, massive Things in his life they knew, and just...hadn't mentioned. Omission wasn't a good thing, even if they hadn't outright lied.

All in all, Caleb couldn't think of a single thing in his life that was even remotely working out. He had one friend who wasn't tied to something fucked up, and that was Journey and they weren't even that good of friends. At least, not as far as he knew. Besides. As much as he liked the guy, he was still kind of a ditz. Definitely not someone he was going to bring this sort of shit to. He couldn't even if he wanted to, not without explaining the situation. Really though, it was the emotional gutting that was really getting to him.

Caleb really wanted to go back to how things were before he'd got to this stupid town. Why the fuck couldn't he just be angry like he usually was? Anger worked for him, it wasn't something he was happy for, but it was much better on him than this. It was easier on him, and while he might be dead by now if he'd never left New Orleans, at current he considered that a better alternative. Better than sitting in the dark feeling like it was possible he was worth even less than he'd initially thought. Anger would have been good. This shit was so much worse. So very much worse. That wasn't all of it, though.

It was the fact that he felt so fucking vulnerable and utterly alone, after finding out he actually needed people around.

That was the worst part.